To worry I might have offended my lovely friend?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I've just been away for a week and had considered cat sitters - however a very dear friend said she'd do it instead and I readily agreed (would much rather have someone I know coming in)

I said I'd give her the cash the sitter would have charged and she told me not to be so daft ... but when I returned I found she'd had an incident I know she'll need extra money for. So I gave her a nice bunch of flowers and discreetly left the money in an envelope, which she accepted reluctantly

I know it sounds silly but now I'm worried ... I'm lucky to be able to afford it and I know it will have been needed despite her protests, but I wouldn't offend her for the world. We help each other all the time, but somehow this felt different as it was an actual job and I really didn't want to take advantage

Am I being ridiculous?

I think it probably was a mistake to pay her TBH. She may now feel bad asking you to do anything similar for her without paying you.

I'm not sure what you can do about it though - maybe just chalk it up to experience and not pay her again if she obviously wants it to be a favour?

When you say an incident - was it cat-related or not? If she had to fork out extra cash for the cat, then def not U. Otherwise I think leaving the envelope was fine actually. She could have just left it herself. I don't think it's a big deal I know between my friends there's always a big to-do about money (ie everyone trying to pay more, cover each others drinks etc!) but no one is ever offended by the other person offering/insisting. It sounds fine.

I would imagine your friend is probably embarrassed as she knows she needs to accept the money due to the incident.

To be honest I think you were right to pay her as you don't want to take advantage and were happy to pay a professional.

Why not talk to your friend and ask if you have upset or offended her, you say you are very close so surely you can have this type of conversation?

No, her sudden need for money was nothing to do with the cat; it was something personal to her and completely unrelated

I honestly don't think this will affect future "favours" for each other either - we generally just do them almost without being asked and are just "there" for each other IYSWIM. The real difference here is that it was more like an actual job and I was going to pay someone else anyway, so it seemed silly for her not to have it

No-one here knows your friend so all anyone can say is, 'Yes you might have offended her', or 'No I doubt you've offended her'.

I think talking to her might be the way forward, rather than a whole thread of speculation IYSWIM?

If I feed my mate's cat she brings me back a souvenir, but that's just us. I can't speak for what others do.

Yes, you're all right about briefly mentioning it again, though I hope I covered any possible embarrassment at the time by making a joke about "I'm supposed to spending this blasted money, so please don't say no!!"

In case that sounds awful I should perhaps explain that we know each others' financial positions well and it's never made the least difference or caused any awkwardness, since the usual kind of things we do for each other go beyond money

As I say, I'm probably just being silly ...

She took the money didn't she! She's fine.

I think you've been lovely. She may have been fractionally embarrassed but ultimately will have been very grateful I would think. Recent I did a couple of official forms with a friend that would have been tricky for her to do without help, took few mins and we had a cup of tea then she gave me a thank you card as she was leaving which had a gift card in it. I was embarrassed as happy to do it but she said she wanted to as I'd really helped her and the next week I was thrilled when I used the voucher I have to say. Don't worry! You are kind and thoughtful and if anything this underlines that you don't want to use her for favours and she'll be grateful if she actually needed the money.

I had a similar incident. DS plays quite a lot with one of our neighbour's DS. The DM is a really nice lady and doesn't work and very kindly agreed to have DS for a few days over the summer holidays which was fantastic as DS is not a fan of the holiday club.

I wanted to thank her as I was incredibly grateful and didn't want her to feel I was taking advantage. I knew she wouldn't accept money so instead I got a gift voucher for the local restaurant. Although she said thanks, she then sent me a text saying that I shouldn't have done such a thing and she didn't expect to be paid. They never mentioned if they used the voucher or not.

Therefore I've not repeated the error, but we are able to do a bit of dog sitting and walking to return the favour and we never spoke of it again.

I wanted to thank her as I was incredibly grateful and didn't want her to feel I was taking advantage

Yes, that's exactly it

Perhaps I should have mentioned that my friend can sometimes be a little too kind for her own good - she constantly has folk asking her for favours without so much as a thank you, and since this was a bigger thing than most (8 days x 2 hours a day) I guess I didn't want to be one of them!!

It's so hard to know what to do in the circumstances puzzled. I guess maybe taking her out for a meal might have been ok?

I'm sure it will be fine. The only awkwardness would be if you typically do these sorts of favours for free for each other. If, as you say, it is a bigger job than normal and won't mean that she feels she has to give you money in the future then I would probably just forget about it unless you really feel the need to bring it up.

You are over thinking it. You sound like you're a great friend though.

Thanks very much indeed everyone - you've put my mind at rest

It's perfectly true that I insisted on paying mainly because is WAS a different sort of thing she did - more of a "job" really - so there really shouldn't be any awkwardness over the usual day-to-day favours we do each other

Yet another bit of angst solved with the help of Mumsnet!!

You did the right thing OP and I would have done the same. She will probably be a little embarrassed but very relieved she can solve her financial problem now Money is a weird thing sometimes.