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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed about wedding

99 replies

ClimbAnyMountainForYou · 01/05/2016 14:09

Family member has booked a wedding abroad (in Europe but still) next November. Wedding will take place on a Wednesday and they are having celebrations on Tuesday and Thursday too - essentially they are expecting people to take at least 3 full days off work (Tuesday-Thursday)?! Is this not incredibly entitled????

OP posts:

NoMudNoLotus · 02/05/2016 02:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

meffhead · 02/05/2016 02:56

We got married in the Dominican Republic .... Neither me or DH are great at being the centre of attention so it worked really really well for us !!!!
Only people who actually gave a shit came ! We didn't have bridesmaids or a best man. E still had 12 people come and had a private meal in one of the restaurants afterwards!
Married on a beach ... It was amazing !

Oysterbabe · 02/05/2016 04:55

One of my best friends got married in Sri Lanka. I couldn't afford to go at that time, it wasn't that I didn't give a shit. Lots of other people who very much did give a shit couldn't go for various reasons like having children in school or not having 3k lying around.

itsbetterthanabox · 02/05/2016 05:53

Agreed op it's completely entitled.
If you are someone close to this person you feel you must go, and want to! But also if you said you can't they would be angry and upset.
When it's someone close its treated as an obligation. Many people do care a lot ie close family- parents, siblings, very close friends but it doesn't make it any less expensive, inconvenient and stressful for them.

SharingMichelle · 02/05/2016 05:54

I'm with you OP. I think it's appallingly crass to ask your friends and family to use up 1/4 of their holiday plus a substantial sum of money celebrating a wedding. And for everyone saying shrug shrug "just don't go" i think you're being disingenuous- is not as simple as that. There will be hard feelings.

albertcampionscat · 02/05/2016 07:23

Oh come on NoMudNoLotus, no-one gets to choose when they give birth or get ill. The couple here have chosen to have a wedding at an inconvenient time in an inconvenient place. Entirely their own fault if people are miffed.

Osolea · 02/05/2016 08:46

Having a wedding abroad, in the middle of term time, and having three days worth of celebrations isn't at all entitled.

Having a bad attitude to go with your plans, that assumes people shoudk take time of work and spend that amount of money is incredibly rude and entitled. Not inviting plus ones makes it significantly worse in my opinion. I think it's rude not to invite single guests to have a plus one at a UK wedding, let alone when you're expecting people to fly to another country and pay for accommodation.

NicknameUsed · 02/05/2016 08:52

"Only people who actually gave a shit came"

I would rephrase that as "only people who could afford the time off and the cost came"

ZanyMobster · 02/05/2016 09:01

I got married abroad. Anyone was invited but no one was expected. We discussed with close family first, they were all keen as it was in a popular tourist/holiday location (long haul but not Maui ) so they wanted the holiday too so booked for between a week and 2 weeks. There were 15 guests excl us/DCs.

I would be extremely hurt if anyone had accused us of being entitled but then we would never have booked without involving close family first.

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 09:04

I'm not one of the frothing anti wedding mumsnetters, I love weddings (and all parties!) and enjoy seeing loved ones tie and the knot.

But I agree with you OP - YANBU.

It is bloody entitled to have week day weddings.

'Oh I know let's book mid week, it'll save us a fortune, never mind that it heaps the costs on our guests as they have to take days off work/childcare'. Let alone having one abroad on a Wednesday! I can just about get down with a Friday wedding in home country but this, yes rude and thoughtless.

ClopySow · 02/05/2016 09:06

I'm also pretty confused by the SIL bit. So either it's your siblings wedding or it's your partners siblings wedding but your partner isn't invited.

Anyway. If i had the money and it was someone i was close to, i reckon a 5 day break with a big group with a wedding in the middle would be ace. If i didn't have the money and we weren't so close, i'd just decline.

ZanyMobster · 02/05/2016 09:07

Recently my brother has been invited by 2 of his closest friends to their weddings abroad, unfortunately they are both the same year so he can't afford it. He cannot choose between the 2 as they are both in the same friendship group and most of their friends are in the same position.

Rather than slag them off for being entitled he and his friends are planning a meal/party for both couples with a wedding cake etc so they can celebrate together. Surely that's how normal grown ups behave from both sides.

corgiology · 02/05/2016 09:12

Not everyone works 9-5 weekdays tbh.

I work weekends and it annoys me when people think my job isn't serious as I work the weekend!

ZanyMobster · 02/05/2016 09:15

Lemonade - surely it is only entitled if you expect people to come. I must say I was pissed off when a close friend booked a Friday wedding (my DH was best man but the date wasn't discussed previously). They are notoriously tight with money to the point of it being embarrassing.

There was a big issue as they started to get cross when close friends declined as even though most people were happy to take half a day off work, children weren't allowed to the ceremony so childcare during the week was really difficult for very little ones (most younger than preschool age).

We never thought of it as entitled, inconsiderate and ill thought out maybe. They hadn't considered the implications of it all and we're upset when people said no. They found a way round it eventually so all was OK.

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 09:15

Zany - so the group are split between actually going to the two weddings abroad? Some are going to one, some the other and have had to throw another party to appease both bride and grooms?

How is that a good solution? The B&Gs should have revised plans (or thrown a bloody UK party themselves!) when they realised their friends couldn't afford to go to both.

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 09:18

Crossed post. That's different as they realised they'd made a mistake and changed their plans.

We had no kids at our wedding - but it was an evening wedding in London where all our friends and family live. So we had what we wanted but made sure it was workable (also it was when few of our friends had children) for everyone. It was also on a Saturday, had a free bar and free lifts home if wanted (wedding present from amazing teetotal couple we know!).

rollonthesummer · 02/05/2016 09:25

Whose wedding is it?

If I could get time off (which I couldn't as a teacher) and could afford it, I would go but not without DH! Why are they saying no partners? Or are you not married or something?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/05/2016 09:25

They probably don't actually want you to come.

Everyone I know with close relatives who are teachers always takes the school holidays into account, unless they aren't bothered about them attending.

If you're the SIL the bridesmaid invite was probably a courtesy.

So don't worry about upsetting them, they aren't fussed about you being there. Suit yourself.

ZanyMobster · 02/05/2016 09:27

Basically a couple of people are going to both but the rest going to neither. The wedding couples both have really good reasons for getting married abroad so it's not just a beach wedding etc. They are throwing a proper UK party also but it's not the same.

They are all really close friends so my brother and the gang wanted to do something special with them(away from stag/hen as they are a mixed gender group of friends) so they don't feel obliged at all, they actually want to. There are less than 20 including partners in the group so will be low key etc, no more than a birthday meal other than they'll split the cost of 4 people's meals between the others. They definitely aren't appeasing the Brides and grooms, they are truly lovely people.

The other Friday wedding couple didn't change their plans really, just anyone who declined due to no childcare they spoke to and if they had spaces where others had declined due to other reasons they would include the children. It worked out well in the end.

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 09:34

Ah ok well glad all the sitches worked out for these weddings Zany

MissBattleaxe · 02/05/2016 11:37

Only people who actually gave a shit came !

I think that's very unfair. Many people cannot magic time off, large sums of money or childcare. It's nothing to do with how much they care. An overseas wedding isn't a test of who likes you enough to be able to go.

There have been a few weddings in the past where I haven't been able to afford to go. It was no reflection on how much I cared. It's not a nice feeling not to be able to go.

ChocolateStash · 02/05/2016 15:41

Bride's opinion: "Only people who actually gave a shit came!"
Everyone else's translation: Some people were happy to go, but for the majority who attended, it was because
People felt obliged and felt they couldn't decline
It was expensive so only some people could afford to go
Annual leave is limited so only some people could get the time off work and prioritised going to that wedding went.

No one wants to think, that anyone would view their wedding negatively, but if you have several weddings per year, it can be expensive and awkward, if you have to travel/stay over/arrange childcare, outfits hair, make-up, gifts, time off work etc.

IonaNE · 02/05/2016 16:20

YABU for calling them "entitled".
OP, if you don't want to take the time off, don't go. Nothing (not even having been asked to be a bridesmaid) obliges you to.

PlymouthMaid1 · 02/05/2016 21:29

Just posting to say that the OPs job sounds perfectly believable to me as I am also a teacher who only gets minimum annual leave and can choose very few days off outside of August. In her shoes I would not be going.

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