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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed about wedding

99 replies

ClimbAnyMountainForYou · 01/05/2016 14:09

Family member has booked a wedding abroad (in Europe but still) next November. Wedding will take place on a Wednesday and they are having celebrations on Tuesday and Thursday too - essentially they are expecting people to take at least 3 full days off work (Tuesday-Thursday)?! Is this not incredibly entitled????

OP posts:
ShanghaiDiva · 01/05/2016 14:29

its not three days is it, its 5 days holiday entitlement out of 20, a quarter. Money for flights, food, hotel, wedding present, oh and also plus ones arent invited

then don't go

CalleighDoodle · 01/05/2016 14:30

nicknameused you might want to take that up with your employers as 5.6 weeks paid holiday, which includes bank holidays, is the legal minimum in the UK.

flossietoot · 01/05/2016 14:31

And you don't have to go for five days, you can go for three if it really is such a chore, and you don't just get twenty days as that is below the legal entitlement, plus you have your bank holidays, so stop being so dramatic. Or better still, just don't bloody well go. If the bride sees this she won't want you there anyway 😕

Paulat2112 · 01/05/2016 14:32

YABU just because you were asked to be a bridesmaid doesn't mean you have to go. Just politely decline. It's not that difficult

Original poster
ClimbAnyMountainForYou · 01/05/2016 14:33

ok fair enough. its my sils wedding who i dont know very well and im a teacher so finding it hard to get the time off work. i will suck it up

OP posts:
Sparklemummyx0x0x · 01/05/2016 14:33

I suppose they feel it's another 18months away, plenty of time to save money and annual leave. Are they paying for other people's flights or accommodation?
Personally I couldn't go abroad for my wedding for that reason.
A school mum I'm friendly with said she got married in Spain I think. Only her parents, sister and a couple of other family members went. Her husbands family didn't bother, not even his parents. I was a bit like Shock but she shrugged and said she wasn't surprised they don't have much interest in them anyway.

Onlyicanclean10 · 01/05/2016 14:34

Well say no then!

Original poster
ClimbAnyMountainForYou · 01/05/2016 14:35

No theyre not paying I don't think, the way they see it is that flights should only cost as much as train fare

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 01/05/2016 14:36

I had a wedding a few years ago like this. My mum gave the very good advice that I should make my decision and follow through with good grace- so if I declined, I should give them a lot of notice, explain my reasons, say I'm sorry I couldn't make it, and draw a line under it. But if I decided to go I needed to stop whining about it and support my friend.

If you do go, don't go begrudgingly.

PaulDacresMicroPenis · 01/05/2016 14:37

But if you're a teacher there is virtually no chance of you being allowed the time off anyway is there?

RaeSkywalker · 01/05/2016 14:37

This is sounding very like the reverse of a thread that was up this morning- bride upset because a teacher wouldn't attend a week day wedding abroad?

TutanKaDashian · 01/05/2016 14:37

Very annoying. I've got a Thursday one this year and even though it's in the UK, it's 2 days annual leave gone. Just like that. Can't even get out of it as DP is the best man. Yes I know that it's an invitation, not a summons, but in your case you really do have to go. Bad luck (sorry not helpful but I sympathise)

Original poster
ClimbAnyMountainForYou · 01/05/2016 14:38

oh right well its not a reverse as far as I know!! I was just told about the wedding earlier this week so has been playing on my mind.

OP posts:
MrsJamin · 01/05/2016 14:38

I can't imagine you'd be allowed to go in termtime if you're a teacher, for one day maybe but not three! Just waiting for someone to point out how much "holiday" you have anyway...

Xenadog · 01/05/2016 14:39

As a teacher at best you can expect to have unpaid leave but you may be told you can't go especially if you teach exam classes. I wouldn't be going as being a teacher you have so much holiday anyway and to take what will need up being the best part of a week off work for a not very close relative's wedding (even as a bridesmaid) is taking the proverbial. I say this as a fellow teacher BTW.

She INBU to have her wedding where and when she wants but she IBU if she expects others to attend desire the number of difficulties it can cause.

I would simply tell her the school won't allow it and then that's your issue solved.m

RaeSkywalker · 01/05/2016 14:39

My post about the reverse isn't accusatory by the way OP- just be careful, you don't know if the bride is on here too!

PaulDacresMicroPenis · 01/05/2016 14:39

Oh you're obviously not a teacher if you only get 20 days holiday a year,

GraysAnalogy · 01/05/2016 14:40

I really dislike it when people have weddings abroad and then go mad when you can't make it. It's their wedding and it's up to them where they have it - but dont get mad when people cant attend.

GinaBambino · 01/05/2016 14:41

Couldn't you make a nice holiday out of it rather than having a moan? SIL got married in Mexico last year, in the easter hols as she's a teacher. Yes it was bloody expensive and I didn't have to go; DP could have gone alone but we made it a 10 day holiday, did our own thing most of the time, went to the wedding and had a lovely holiday either side. Brides ask people to be bridesmaids because they want them to be involved in their special day! I'm sure you don't have to be with her for the full 3 days if you explain that money is tight and you want to do sightseeing/sleep by the pool/whatever whilst you have the opportunity

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 14:43

"By being negative about presumably a close friends wedding!!! You have been asked to be bridesmaid for gods sake- sure you should be happy and looking forward to a few days in the sun with your best friend. If you were my friend behaving like this about my wedding I would be deeply hurt."

I think you're being unfair here. The expense of going abroad for 5 days is a big ask and a massive imposition. I hope the bride(zilla) isn't expecting a wedding present as well.

CalleighDoodle I didn't include bank holidays. We get 23 days plus bank holidays.

Unless the wedding is at half term the OP won't be able to go anyway. Surely the bride knew this?

GinaBambino · 01/05/2016 14:44

Sorry just seen you're a teacher! Did she tell you when she asked you to be bridesmaid it would be midweek (ignore the abroad bit as she could well change her mind) if not remind her of your job and gently say you don't think you'd get the time off.

MissBattleaxe · 01/05/2016 14:47

By being negative about presumably a close friends wedding!!! You have been asked to be bridesmaid for gods sake- sure you should be happy and looking forward to a few days in the sun with your best friend. If you were my friend behaving like this about my wedding I would be deeply hurt.

I disagree. I would never want to put my friends out financially or from an annual leave angle. Getting married abroad is fine , as long as the couple fully suck up the number of "declines" without complaining.

Also, it does cheese me off when couples whine about how getting married is cheaper. It's cheaper for them, but the guests end up paying more to attend, which I think is a cheeky ask.

PamelaPatriciaYouCanCallMePam · 01/05/2016 14:50

Head teacher here. How do you only get 20 days off per year?? As there is a long time between now and the wedding I, personally, would grant a week of unpaid leave as it is close family (presuming you are a reliable staff member with a decent attendance record etc.) so it is certainly worth asking.

Original poster
ClimbAnyMountainForYou · 01/05/2016 14:52

I dont want to out myself but Im not a teacher at a UK state school. My job doesnt have typical terms. I only have 20 days fixed holiday a year. This is why it is so difficult.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 01/05/2016 15:13

I'd guess that someone who doesn't care too much about who else comes and/or is trying to shake off at least one potential bridesmaid. You cannot possibly be expected to go under these circumstances.
*
Absolutely* agree with PP saying decide, then either go wholeheartedly or don't go. But then don't whinge about your choice.

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