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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what happens if you really can't leave a marriage

17 replies

ciceroscribe · 30/04/2016 14:21

(Not me but) if you really can't due to finances, do you know anyone who lives as sort of Friends rather than husband & wife?

OP posts:

MarthaCliffYouCunt · 30/04/2016 14:23

Depends on the couple. Too many possibilities (abuse/infidelity/indifference to name a few) to give an answer.

FayKorgasm · 30/04/2016 14:24

I knew someone who couldn't leave a marriage but they certainly were not living as friends.

VestalVirgin · 30/04/2016 14:36

If two decent individuals are stuck in a marriage but aren't in love anymore, I am sure they can figure something out. Such couples probably don't tell everyone that they don't have sex anymore.

However, I don't think many marriages fail because people just fell out of love.

There may be some percentage that fail because the couple has always been too different and this became a problem after the hormone rush of being in love ended.

And then there's the many couples where one partner is an asshole of some kind, and I don't think one can be happy living with a person who cheated, or did something even more harmful.

If you can't afford a divorce, you should think twice about marrying.

Original poster

ciceroscribe · 30/04/2016 14:38

TBF Vestal, things can change:)

OP posts:

NicknameUsed · 30/04/2016 14:41

An old school friend of mine ended up sharing the same house as her ex husband. It didn't end well.

VestalVirgin · 30/04/2016 14:49

Cicero, if by that you mean that a person could have been financially well off enough to get a divorce then they decided to marry, but not be anymore when the marriage falls apart ... well, you should have an emergency fund in place for that kind of thing? And also, of course, make sure that you keep your own money in a marriage.

At the very least, you have to have friends with whom you can live for a while if you need to get away.

Houses can be sold, so I am not sure what the problem would be - if you cannot afford your own apartment, you can share housing with other women, like university students tend to do.

Tax benefits for married couples discriminate against singles and shouldn't be a thing, but in the meantime, you should make sure that your financial situation doesn't entirely depend on it.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 30/04/2016 15:05

Such mumsnet answers!
If you can't afford to get divorced you shouldn't get married? What nonsense! Our parents paid for our wedding-not unusual surely. We didn't have a pot to piss in, and it didn't cross our minds to have savings in place in case we divorced when we were planning our wedding in which we promised to remain together for as long as we both shall live...I just find that comment
'Houses can be sold'. Indeed they can, if you own them.
Have emergency savings...will start them when we can afford ANY savings
I'm not sure what reasons you mean in your op. I guess if there is extreme violence they may be unable to find an opportunity to escape or somewhere else to go.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2016 15:09

Unfortunately, it is known that domestic violence increases when finances mean that people can't afford to divorce.

RosieTheCat · 30/04/2016 15:12

Yes my parents

My "D"M can't leave as she has always had part time low paid jobs to watch us as kids has no pension nothing
"D"F had a better job and has a pension

They can't sell the house as its mortgaged to the hilt and their current jobs are too closely joined to either one to be able to leave and not screw over the other and they have no savings as these got used when one of them was diagnosed with cancer, not that it was ever much in the first place

If they were both nicer people I could see it working very well but they aren't

NellysKnickers · 30/04/2016 15:19

Vesta Virginia are you for real??? What about if you rent? What about if no actually you don't have friends/family you can live with? As for an emergency fund, some of us live hand to mouth on a weekly basis. I actually hope your post was tongue in cheek...........

NellysKnickers · 30/04/2016 15:20

Sorry VestralVirgin - damn autocorrect strikes again!

GarlicShake · 30/04/2016 15:33

A few of the Mumsnetters who've posted in Relationships couldn't leave. Their threads were heartbreaking - and never resolved to my knowledge. It didn't help that new posters would keep coming onto their threads saying "Why don't you ...?" when the poor OPs had already exhausted all avenues.

This being the site it is, each one of those women was suffering quite severe abuse. Different combinations of circumstances - disability, poverty, living in countries with strict laws - rendered them literally unable to leave :(

Back on the 'normal' side of things, I have known couples to split their accommodation after ending the relationship. It requires quite a big house, and seems to fail after a few years anyway. It's one of those things that sounds OK in theory, but comes with hidden emotional costs of one type and another.

I think it's very common, though, for couple to continue in a surface marriage, while living totally separate lives in reality. All you need is a spare bedroom and a fake smile. The main problem with that is the restrictions it places on any chances of forming a better relationship with someone else: even if you're open with your spouse, conditions would force you to conduct the other relationship like an affair.

Original poster

ciceroscribe · 30/04/2016 16:48

I guess though that for some people, they might not be interested in a new relationship anyway.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 30/04/2016 16:59

I do know a couple who neither would agree to leave the house so now 6 years on they still live together in the house, as housemates. In the divorce they split all the savings etc in half and are both happy with the way they live.
They are both with new partners now me and dh went to a dinner party with them the other week and there set up works really well for them

GarlicShake · 30/04/2016 18:00

Wow, Pink, that's almost ideal for many! Unfortunately I married dishonest control freaks - but can remember wanting it to work out something like this. If you can keep the friendship and lose the acrimony, it'd make everything so much simpler. No chance of losing the power games if they were already there, though, sadly.

somewheresomehow · 30/04/2016 18:12

you put up with it until you win the lottery :(

dailyfailrag · 30/04/2016 18:45

Ex's parents were separated, yet his dad was a control freak and emotional abuser who wouldn't leave the house. Horrible situation. His mum had apparently slept on the couch for years as there was no spare room. She couldn't go anywhere as they lived in an expensive city and she'd given up her career for a part time job years before, then couldn't get back on the career ladder. They didn't even fight or argue, just kind of ignored each other and there was this horrible tension in the air. I didn't go round there much.

I guess if you were raising small kids, had a spare room, and neither of you were interested in dating then you might be able to make it work for a few years.

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