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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU fed up with getting the brunt of DH anger

26 replies

Ihaverunoutofideasforaname · 30/04/2016 12:03

My DMIL is at the end of her life. She has cancer and has for many years now. We knew she was going to leave us some time early this year. For the last few weeks I have been verbally and emotionally battered by my DH. I have a really stressful job and come home to anger and emotional blackmail nightly. I have had shingles as a result and I get eye spasms now because of the stress.
AIBU to say enough and stop taking it out on me, or do I have to take it until the end and beyond?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 12:06

You don't have to take abuse like that. Why on earth should you ?

Are you saying that the day his mother dies he will magically chane into a person who doesn't treat you like crap ?

Fuck that shit

Tell him today it stops or you/he is walking. It would make zero difference to me that his mother is dying. Have a think how making you feel bad could possibly make him feel better.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2016 12:10

Has he only behaved like this since his mother became ill? It sounds horrifically stressful for you. I note he hasn't got shingles - he's getting rid of all his frustration on you.

Was he a particularly loving son? A loving husband?

Do you have children living with you?

You need to protect yourself and if that means getting him to live elsewhere or living elsewhere yourself, that's what you'll have to do.

CruCru · 30/04/2016 12:10

That sounds awful. I agree with AnyFucker.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2016 12:11

And yes, what AF says - if he's like this now, what on earth is he going to be like when she dies?

magoria · 30/04/2016 12:11

You are NBU in the slightest to tell him to stop taking it out on you..

It won't magically stop when DMIL dies.

You have to look after your health.

Original poster

Ihaverunoutofideasforaname · 30/04/2016 12:24

Yes we have a DS who's 7. I constantly get accused of not helping enough (he doesn't work FT but he is doing flexible work) I try and work from home on Fridays but if I haven't done all the housework that he's left behind he's goes mad. He goes up to help with his mum so I wfh bit I have to do the school runs, the dinner, take DS to after school club. If he gets back in morning and he thinks I haven't done enough he goes mad.
No he isn't a loving caring husband, I often come last in his life. But it's just become worse because I can't fight back, because of his mum and because I've run out of steam.
We have a terrible relationship.
I made time last week for him to go up to his mums and offered to come back from work early but he chose to go to a football coaches meeting, that was called off last minute.
He puts what he has to do first and let's me take the slack. But I haven't the time to do all he hasn't time to do.

OP posts:

magoria · 30/04/2016 12:27

If your relationship is shit. Leave.

There is never a good time.

gamerchick · 30/04/2016 12:30

You are not a vessel for him to pour all his frustrations into, it'll make you poorly absorbing it all. Where is your blow hole, where do you vent it?

This isn't going to get better and it'll start to affect your child.

Tell him frankly to stop taking it out on you or the doors over there and he can fuck off.

wallywobbles · 30/04/2016 12:32

Just start planning to leave. And when you are ready go. There's never a good time to leave. But he is an arse and he ain't going to get better.

Topseyt · 30/04/2016 12:36

You don't have to put up with this.

Lay it on the line for him. His mother's illness, whilst obviously very sad, does not give him carte blanche to abuse you in any way.

Janecc · 30/04/2016 12:36

So you are working full time and are the main breadwinner. Is that correct? He really doesn't have the right to treat you this way op. I have a 7 yr old and things get pretty heated between dh and me. It's since I've become ill with chronic fatigue several years ago so I'm not well enough to cook lots of the time let alone work. My DD is learning everything she sees. It's still very loving between dh and me and it doesn't sound like it is with you and ur husband. Right now our children are learning all about how adults behave. Maybe I'm mistaken but it sounds as if you are teaching your son that men treat women like shit and women just take it and do most of the work inside and out of the home. Would your consider telling him to go and stay with his mother to give you both some space? I don't know how that would or could work with childcare because I can't imaging you would want your ds there as well.

EveryoneElsie · 30/04/2016 12:38

You are not his partner, you are his scapegoat and whipping boy. You will be so much better off without his BS. Contact Womens Aid and get help asap

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/04/2016 12:46

"If he gets back in morning and he thinks I haven't done enough he goes mad."

Oh really, and who decided he was going to be Chief of the Housework Police? Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

I don't care if his mother is terminally ill, he's an abusive cunt. Life's too short. Get rid of him.

Whocansay · 30/04/2016 13:03

When my MIL was dying, my husband was also very angry. But not with me. I remember a time he was driving dangerously because he was upset following a trip to the hospital. I told him to pull over because he was scaring me, which he did. I told him I loved him but was not prepared to die in a car because he was upset. He immediately apologised and never did anything like it again.

Your husband is an abusive arsehole. This has nothing to do with his mother. It's just a convenient excuse to behave like a cunt.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2016 13:25

I think he'll use the eventual death of his mum to treat you even worse than he does now. This won't improve. I'm really glad you're working full time. About the home - is it mortgaged or rented?

BirthdayBetty · 30/04/2016 13:29

Seriously LTB, he's an abusive bully

jay55 · 30/04/2016 13:35

Sounds like you put him first and he puts you last and thats pretty toxic for your child. Get out now.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/04/2016 13:46

"But it's just become worse because I can't fight back, because of his mum and because I've run out of steam."
Right,so his being an arsehole is nothing new, it's just come into focus because you are cutting him some slack during his mother's demise, and he is forcibly taking a mile from the inch you gave willingly.

Time to get your ducks in a row, i.e. prepare for the split. Think through your finances and investigate any benefits you might now qualify for such as single adult discount for council tax, tax credits etc., what support you might need with DS such as after-school club until you get home from work, take copies of important documents (bank statements and the like) and store them at your work. That's just off the top of my head, but it's a starting point.

Could you suggest he moves to his mother's house in the meantime, 'to offer her the most support you can'? The physical break from him might help you to recover your strength and take some of the stress off you?

But I would definitely be preparing to end this life with him. The damage it must be causing your son, living in this atmosphere, is very real.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 30/04/2016 14:02

You haven't got a terrible relationship due to his mother dying. You have a terrible relationship full stop. My dad died a couple of months ago. It was an awful time leading up to it, at the actual time and still is now. Didn't change my relationship with DH one jot. Take MiL out of the equation and get yourself ready to go. He sounds awful.

MarthaCliffYouCunt · 30/04/2016 14:04

Literally get up and walk out as soon as he starts. Say nothing. Explain nothing. Walk out. Everytime.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/04/2016 17:19

Please don't let your son grow up around this, he will think that all men behave like this towards women.

leelu66 · 30/04/2016 18:20

Would you treat him this way if your mum were dying? I doubt it.

Someone who is using his mum's illness as an excuse to treat you like badly does not deserve you as a wife and partner.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 18:32

it is op that is using the excuse of his mum dying to allow him to treat her like shit, not him

he is just carrying the same as usual

wake up, op

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2016 18:36

He is nasty abusive and controlling, and by what you are saying he is like this all the time, Please leave, its not going to get any better.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 30/04/2016 19:10

Why on Earth would you stay married to such a vile pig? Leave. As soon as possible. Or make him leave. Don't make your child grow up in that environment.

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