to be sad my Dad is facing a future with dementia [title edited by MNHQ]

[chickensaresafehere]

Dad has dementia,it's fairly advanced. He was sent for a chest X-ray by gp ( but had no symptoms),then a CT scan which showed a mass in his left lung,he had a sample of fluid drained from his lung,to be tested to see if it was malignant.
Consultant said if it was it would not be treated due to his dementia. Mum & I were prepared for it being cancer & I would have preferred my Dad to die from lung cancer (obviously with nursing & pain relief) as opposed to everything shutting down & him being unable to move or swallow & dying an undignified,horrible death.
We went to see the consultant yesterday about his results & it turns out he hasn't got cancer,just infected fluid on his lungs.
I feel sad & cheated, that's shit isn't it I should be celebrating the fact that my Dad is cancer free ?

i think what stands out to me is how everyone is different. In the nursing home where my father was there were people who were very old and just a bit forgetful. One lady was convinced she was 16 and my dp was her lover who she had sneaked off to visit. Bless her she was so funny and actually made the visits to my father bearable. My dad was literally in hell. it rips at my heart to think of it. I couldn't take my new dd to see him as it wasn't considered safe. He kept telling my eldest dd that she was dead. He slapped an old lady such was his distress. This was not my dad . not my lovely kind gentle father who everyone loved. There were brief glimpses of a humam being but it was truly the most traumatic thing to witness.

The cancer was diagnosed late and it was two weeks before he died. Thankfully and peaceful in his sleep (drug induced).

So my experience was that dementia was so much worse. Others have experienced differently.

The Op wants an end to her fathets suffering and i pray that this comes soon as i don't think I'll ever truly recover from watching my father disappear slowly from the mind out.

Fuck you dementia and fuck you cancer.

I get you OP. My dad died of lung cancer and it wasn't pain free or dignified, I wish it had ended much sooner for him... But it was still quick and he had his marbles. I can't imagine what dementia is like especially alongside other illnesses. YANBU. I really really wish it was easier to go calmly like at dignitas.

As someone who lost their dad to cancer, I am so sorry about your dad's dementia, but YABU - cancer is a painful, drawnout and undignified death and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I understand the OP given that I've experienced both with both my parents.

My mum died of lung cancer. We had four months with her between diagnosis and death. Her illness meant that all the 'bucket list' things were absolutely impossible - going on holiday or even going out of the house for a meal were never going to happen if she couldn't make it up the stairs. Her last week was incredibly traumatic, but her final days were managed with a lot of pain relief, and I knew it meant something to have her family with her. I hated the way it took her way too early, I hated the suddenness of it, I hated the way it made such a lively, energetic person completely helpless, and I was grateful to have the final moments with her.

A year later, my dad was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia. Thankfully, it's now (for the most part) controlled, but before diagnosis and during a lengthy period of hospitalisation it was easily the worst time I've experienced. He had absolutely no idea who I was or who anyone was, he had no idea where he was, had terrifying hallucinations and I never knew whether my being there with him was going to help (it rarely did except as an extra pair of hands), be fairly non-eventful for him (on a good day) or terrify the wits out of him (which happened a lot). He was very weak and close to death more than once. His suffering was magnified by the mental trauma he was experiencing.

So yeah, I get it. How I wish I didn't.

I have witnessed loved ones dying from both diseases, and cancer was quick but painful and dementia was slow but painless.

My fathers death from dementia took several years and it was horrible for me, but I don't think he suffered much. In the early stages he got very frustrated but later he was mostly calm and unaware, although he had random days of lucidity which were both wonderful and haunting. I think there are much worse ways to go, I am less afraid of such a death for myself now.

My grandad was in good health and active right up until the day he dropped dead of a heart attack aged 97. That's the best way to go I suppose, but sadly it's not that common

YANBU to hope for a peaceful end

I'm so sorry your father has dementia but YABU - death from cancer is not dignified or pain free, it is horrific. My beloved father died recently from pancreatic cancer, it was unspeakably cruel to watch.

Is your father in a good care home? Have they discussed end of life care with you? If he is settled in the home, don't wish a hospitalised death on him. The way my father suffered, I wouldn't have believed possible in a first world country, in this century, and in a modern hospital. In contrast, my nan died peacefully in her sleep. She had dementia and had been settled in her care home for a long time, the care home knew she was reaching the end of her life and just made her comfortable. If she had been hospitalised, she would have been scared and confused.

YANBU my dMiL is in her final days of alzheimers and we are in the god awful situation of wanting her to die as this disease has now claimed every last bit of her. It's shit and I feel for you and your Mum and the journey ahead 💐💐

I've only read the first page OP, but YANBU at all. We can't choose assists dying so you wanted the better of two awful options.

My DM died of cancer recently, aged 60, and although I can't say I'm glad she didn't live long enough to suffer dementia, she feared it and at least she doesn't have to face it.

I understand where you are coming from, but lung cancer is a horrible and painful death. A relative of mine died from it and it was not an 'easy' way to go - she was in pain right up until her last breath, despite being doped up on as much morphine as they could give her.

A huge stroke finally took my DM, who had vascular dementia. It was a blessed release for the poor woman, and for us her DC too. I get it, I think.

I can totally understand your feelings and because of the sensitive nature of this thread I'm not going to say YABU, totally understand where you're coming from. However, my Dad died an awful death with lung cancer which was partly to do with not being moved to a cancer ward and being kept on a normal ward which was short staffed, we were lucky to make it to his final minutes as we were never called. It's not a bed of roses either way and I totally sympathise.

Hope you've got lots of support, OP X

I have just recently lost my mum to lung cancer ages 51. This post has hit a nerve with me because cancer is a horrible thing and I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. My family and I nursed my mum through her chemo and treatment, watched her get so poorly and she did it all for us! We sat with her for four days straight watching her slowly die from This horrible horrible thing.