to be sad my Dad is facing a future with dementia [title edited by MNHQ]

[chickensaresafehere]

Dad has dementia,it's fairly advanced. He was sent for a chest X-ray by gp ( but had no symptoms),then a CT scan which showed a mass in his left lung,he had a sample of fluid drained from his lung,to be tested to see if it was malignant.
Consultant said if it was it would not be treated due to his dementia. Mum & I were prepared for it being cancer & I would have preferred my Dad to die from lung cancer (obviously with nursing & pain relief) as opposed to everything shutting down & him being unable to move or swallow & dying an undignified,horrible death.
We went to see the consultant yesterday about his results & it turns out he hasn't got cancer,just infected fluid on his lungs.
I feel sad & cheated, that's shit isn't it I should be celebrating the fact that my Dad is cancer free ?

Why do you think AIBU is the right place for this?

Since you asked, yes. You are being unreasonable.

Dying of cancer is very often neither dignified nor pain free, as others have pointed out. It can be long and agonising.

HTH

YABU but very, very understandably so. I'm so sorry about your Dad.

The anger is normal OP, it's borne partly from being so helpless. I still get so angry when I remember the 2 weeks it took my mum to die in a hospice. We wouldn't put an animal through what she was put through and it only reinforced in my mind that I will take matters into my own hands should I ever get a terminal diagnosis.

I forgot to say in my earlier post that my dad has terminal cancer. I'm dreading the 'last stage' because I've seen so many people go through it and I know what's going to happen.

YANBU to want a dignified, peaceful death for your dad, but lung cancer would most likely not give him that. I can understand how you feel though, and I wish you strength to get through the coming times

I also think as a society we need to discuss this topic more and possibly dare I say it reopen the conversation around euthanasia and assisted dying.

i really feel for you. i could have written your OP apart from the fact that my dad did have lung cancer. and for that reason i say hand on heart that YADNBU.

Alzheimers is a living hell and i cannot tell you the relief i felt when my father died.

In all fairness his passing was peaceful and he was pretty much unconscious for the last week of his life. I assume this was due to the high levels of morphine he was on.

It's not a competition about what is kinder because they are both evil diseases and i wouldn't wish cancer on anyone but i said a prayer of thanks that my father's suffering was brought to an end.

So so hard for you. They don't call it the long goodbye for nothing.

chickens
Having seen my parents die from cancer I don't think it would give your Dad the death you hope for. However, I see where you are coming from.

I read your post as "I wish my Dad could just die quietly and peacefully rather than dragging on deteriorating slowly with no hope of any improvement."

I felt the same about my Mum when she was dying of cancer, I am sorry you are going through this.

I'm so sorry about your Dad and I realise you must be going through hell

However, I absolutely can't think why you would choose to start a thread with a title like that, when you know how it's likely to make many others feel.

Like other Mumsnetters, I've lost family members who died in excruciating pain due to cancer, so I'm hiding this thread as it'd made me irrationally angry, despite knowing that things must be awful for you and your family right now.

Best of luck to you all, but you might want to ask MNHQ to amend the title

Cancer isn't an easy way to die at all. I lost my granddad 6 months ago and it was honestly the most awful thing I've ever seen in my life.

My granddad went from being an active man to being unable to get out of bed. He was in massive amounts of pain and discomfort and he spent the last couple days of his life sedated. He also lost a massive amount of weight and got to the point of not eating. It was in no way easy for him or dignified so YABU sorry :(

YANBU for thinking it. My mum has severe dementia, my dad has the early stages. Mum is scared of the world, doesn't know who or what anything is, but doesn't have the language to express it. Nothing brings her pleasure, and at 74 this could go on a very long time.

The elderly parents section on here is a source of great comfort and support to all of us struggling, and theres no judgement at all there.

My father is also suffering from the bastard disease dementia and although I honestly feel your pain - I would not wish cancer on anyone . I am praying that when his time comes he goes in his sleep or something . My FIL died from lung cancer - he too was on morphine at the end it was horrible.

Oh OP. With such an emotive and desperate subject as cancer, people will react to your question according to their own terrible and sad experiences. Which is right and understandable.

Of course yanbu. What you are saying is I wish I could save him the pain and indignity of this chronic, progressive disease. I wish there was some light or hope. I wish this didn't have to happen. Your heart hangs hope on any available light.

I'm so sorry. You must be in such pain. And grieving a man who is still alive while frightened for the future.

I am not new to Mumsnet, I totally understand what happens when you post in AIBU, but as I said in my earlier replies I needed people to come on here & tell me I was being unreasonable & their reasons why,so I could gain some perspective on my anger. I make no apologies for my title, I wanted people to read it & answer,& as I said I have recently lost my sister in law to cancer,so I have been 'down that road'.
It is agonising waiting for the day when your Dad does not know who you are,is bed bound,cannot speak or swallow & is in pain. I am just waiting for that to happen.
Cancer or dementia,it's all awful & my heart goes out to those who have had to endure it.

My poor dad died of lung cancer and the last 6 weeks were horrendous. I still have nightmares.

I can completely understand not want to watch them suffer, but please don't think lung cancer is a quick death and it isn't.

I hope your dad doesn't suffer either way. I really feel for you.

I have one close relative who has Alzheimer's and another who is in the final stages of cancer. Neither is an illness I would wish on my worst enemy.
Of course I understand the temptation to grasp at straws and hope for something (anything!) which will end the sheer unremitting awfulness of it.
My relative with Alzheimer's is remarkable and bears his illness very well, but I still secretly hope that he will get pneumonia (or something else which will mean a relatively peaceful death) and die peacefully before his dementia gets to the stage where there is nothing of him left.

And that was my initial thought when the consultant said it wasn't cancer & after reading all the posts I realise that disappointment was wrong.

My Mother has severe Dementia and was diagnosed with Inflammatory breast cancer a couple of months ago. My Brother had no experience of cancer and was trying to tell me it was good news. We'd gone through it with MIL so knew the reality .

I do understand where you are coming from. But the cancer presents new issues, ulcerated breast and issues with wound smelling. The oncologist helpfully told us sometimes flies lay eggs in these wounds (not uk). She can't really tell us if she's in pain as can hardly speak plus reverted a fair bit to her native language.

It's made it all a lot harder than just the Dementia so I think you've dodged a bullet.

I lost both grandparents to cancer, my Dad had dementia, and Mum suffered a sudden heart attack. I hated to see the pain my grandparents suffered and the way the Dad I knew disappeared, so of them all my mother's was the only peaceful one and she didn't suffer much. She was sentient just long enough for us to get to her to say our goodbyes which gave us comfort.

Christ, I thought I'd wait for your reply before hiding the thread and now I wish I hadn't bothered.

I make no apologies for my title, I wanted people to read it & answer,& as I said I have recently lost my sister in law to cancer,so I have been 'down that road'.

Well I'm afraid you definitely should make apologies for your thread title, or at least ask MNHQ to amend it.

I get that you're probably not thinking straight right now, but lots of people have been 'down that road' and not all roads are equal when it comes to cancer and people's experiences of it.

OP, what you needed to hear wasn't cancer
you are in the space where you need to know where the end is and you want hope that it's not going to drag on another 20 years.
I know what that's like but cancer surely isn't the answer!

Your explanation makes it sound like you planned an upsetting title on purpose to so that you'd get more clicks and then responses?

Being 'down that road' with your sister in law and having a father with dementia does not give you a get-out-of-jail-free card for human decency, you know.

Never wish cancer on anyone, OP.