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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sad my Dad is facing a future with dementia [title edited by MNHQ]

87 replies

chickensaresafehere · 29/04/2016 08:39

Dad has dementia,it's fairly advanced. He was sent for a chest X-ray by gp ( but had no symptoms),then a CT scan which showed a mass in his left lung,he had a sample of fluid drained from his lung,to be tested to see if it was malignant.
Consultant said if it was it would not be treated due to his dementia. Mum & I were prepared for it being cancer & I would have preferred my Dad to die from lung cancer (obviously with nursing & pain relief) as opposed to everything shutting down & him being unable to move or swallow & dying an undignified,horrible death.
We went to see the consultant yesterday about his results & it turns out he hasn't got cancer,just infected fluid on his lungs.
I feel sad & cheated, that's shit isn't it I should be celebrating the fact that my Dad is cancer free ?

OP posts:

Figmentofmyimagination · 29/04/2016 09:08

It isn't necessarily true, sadly, that dementia patients don't know what is happening in the last stages. There are many types of dementia. My mum had vascular dementia. She knew who everyone one was until the day she died but she had a shorter short term memory than a goldfish, creating the very worst sort of hell. She did come to prefer the familiar environment of her nursing home though - she knew that she was somewhere where she felt secure. The day she died, terribly ravaged and finally blind, she still recognised familiar music and voices, including the panel voices on gardeners question time.

Creampastry · 29/04/2016 09:13

I think the OP thinks that with cancer there is an end date, whereas with dementia, that can last decades.

Dont give her a hard time.. whether it is cancer or dementia, its both bloody hard and shit for those suffering and those caring.

loosechange · 29/04/2016 09:18

You want his suffering to end, and can forsee and end point for him with cancer.

I get where you are coming from

Babyroobs · 29/04/2016 09:24

YABU. I have worked in Oncology and palliative care for 30 years and lung cancer is one of the most horrible ways to die even with good symptom control . There is nothng wrong with wishing for quick, painfree death and dementia is a truly awaful illness but to feel sad that your df does not have lung cancer is very unreasonable.

bewilderedfish · 29/04/2016 09:28

I also get where you are coming from. My MIL has end stage alzheimers with all the problems that goes with it - immobility, double incontinence, needs hand feeding with pureed food and thickened drinks. She has no cognition, little speech and spends her days laying half reclined on a pressure relieving chair staring into space. I often wish something would come along and quickly and peacefully take her from this world so I know where you are coming from. I guess you just feel that with a cancer there will be an end date rather than this hell that could go on and on for years.

MeMySonAndl · 29/04/2016 09:28

"But you don't get that from dementia either. Which one is the better of two evils?"

Dementia, cancer is NOT what you think it is. I agree with you, however, I really wouldn't like to be kept alive when there is no longer quality of life and I cannot even recognise my self.

I remember an article in The Guardian by a man who wanted to sign off before he got to that point. He said that the kinder way to go was not refuse antibiotics and be allowed to die of a good old almost painless flu in your sleep

Some way I agree with him

MeMySonAndl · 29/04/2016 09:29

Sorry, was to refuse antibiotics

WarmSound · 29/04/2016 09:29

I understand OP. My Dad took 10 years to die from diagnosis and it was the most terrible way to die and incredibly painful to watch, he would have hated to end up like that. It was a relief when he died and I wouldn't wish dementia on my worst enemy.

and hugs to you X

wheresthebeach · 29/04/2016 09:31

Sorry OP but cancer isn't a nice death and isn't pain free. My dad had dementia and it's awful. He also had lung issues and they warned us that they expected it to be cancer. It wasn't.

His kidneys gave out and that killed him. I can still remember every part of the telephone conference where I refused to let them do dialysis (4 hour round trip daily to hospital for 84 yr old man with dementia) because it seemed like we were just keeping him alive to let him die of something worse than kidney failure.

My mothers death from cancer was harrowing. Still gives me nightmares. Dad's death - was pain free. He slowed down and just died in his sleep. I wouldn't wisha cancer death on anyone.

MeMySonAndl · 29/04/2016 09:32

End date with cancer???? I know some one who had limphoma for 19 years! Even when the most optimist prognosis claims to be 12-14 years for that type of cancer if active.

eitak22 · 29/04/2016 09:33

Having watched my dad die from complications of cancer and Pneumonia i agree with others that there is no such thing as a dignified death. It was horrible to see it and nothing like tv or films. Some people get to fall asleep and never wake up but most struggle for their last breath.

I can however understand how horrible it is to see someone you love disappear before your eyes.

ReallyTired · 29/04/2016 09:35

My neighbour died from lung cancer and the end was pretty hideous. I assume that you have little experience of people with lung cancer. You are right that in someways it's a better death than dementia.

Theee are better ways to die than either dementia or lung cancer. My grandfather died of flu which lasted for about three days. He had a huge heart attack. Sometimes simpler ailments can carry off those who are at the end of their lives.

Helenluvsrob · 29/04/2016 09:37

Completely agree with you op. Much hugs. Mind you malignancy in the elderly can be so slow growing it's not what kills them ( especially breast or prostate ).

A slightly reassuring tale. My dad died very recently of dementia. He actually had a reasonable quality of life -went to a school concert early Feb, and ladt visit to the m&s prosecco bar mid Feb! He went " off his legs" to more or less chair bound and needing help to eat/ drink by mid March , bed bound just after Easter and died 3/4 after a couple of days not eating / drinking.

It was a " good death" . We had enough time to get our head round him deteriorating but he didn't linger. I know we are very fortunate.

WriteforFun · 29/04/2016 09:40

awful for you OP sorry. how old is your dad?

your post makes sense to me - I know some people think old age is better than not getting to experience it but looking at my family I rather hope to be gone much earlier. For many people old age is just shite and going in a way that involves copious amounts of illness is shite x 1000.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 29/04/2016 09:44

He's 75.

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 29/04/2016 09:46

A good death is going gently off in your sleep. It's what we would all wish for. It's a rare thing though.

These thoughts are what makes me support euthanasia in principle. Complicated at the issues are.

[flowers OP]

iGoogleSoYouDontHaveTo · 29/04/2016 09:47

OP - why not report your thread and ask for it to be deleted.

There is an elderly parents board on MN where you could get support.

WriteforFun · 29/04/2016 09:48

I just asked his age, OP, because my dad is a bit older than that but some people seem to be surprised by his health issues. I tend to think the opposite - his first heart attack was in his late 50s but he takes about a gazillion pills a day. These pills may keep people alive but increasingly I wonder what the point of that is.

sorry, I didn't mean to threadjack...as you were! and for you.

EponasWildDaughter · 29/04/2016 09:49

even!

Potatoface2 · 29/04/2016 09:51

people perception of death from illness.....whatever illness, is really misconstrued.....its far better to die suddenly in your sleep from a massive cardiac event....its will be devastating to your family and friends, but dying a long lingering death in pain is also devastating to watch and for the person suffering......i know how i would like to go.....but unfortunately we dont get a choice....i hope my children never have to watch me suffer like i watched my dear mum suffer over the last few months

MyLocal · 29/04/2016 09:53

Big hugs and YANBU, Ddad has Alzheimers, he is 84, he also has a myriad of other conditions, I pray for his heart to give up before his brain.

There is no easy way to go.
x

LuckyBitches · 29/04/2016 09:58

YANBU. My dad also has dementia (Parkinsons related) and the idea of this going on for another 10 years is really distressing. It's a miserable life for him, and the strain it puts on the entire family is overwhelming. I fantasise about him dying from something else. I never thought I'd say that.

On the other hand, my brother died from cancer, and I've seen how horrible it can really be at the end, and that oddly no-one ever seems to talk about that. All you ever hear about is 'they passed away peacefully after a brave battle'. That didn't fit what I've witnessed at all - my lovely younger brother helpless and afraid, going through painful treatments, hallucinating and distressed at the end, until thankfully the Drs gave him paliative sedation so he could die in his sleep. Basically death is often fucking shit, but we're largely oblivious to that, perhaps wilfully. I completely support voluntary euthanasia.

But OP, I completely sympathise. Dementia is so utterly awful, and no-one can judge you for wanting it to end

IndridCold · 29/04/2016 09:58

I do understand what you mean OP. My mum is completely incapacitated by dementia, she has been in a home for two years, she cannot talk, move or do anything at all for herself.

Two years ago she had an accident and ended up in hospital with broken limbs, she then contracted pneumonia. Although it was a shock at the time, I was praying for her just to slip away, but she pulled through. For what? She is very well looked after, but has no quality of life. I have told my DS that I would not want to continue living if I end up like my mum. Such a cruel disease .

KitKat1985 · 29/04/2016 09:58

I think your heart is in the right place with just wanting your Dad to have a quick and comfortable death, BUT as a nurse I work with a low of older people and to be honest dementia and cancer can both be pretty awful ways to die and involve quite a lot of suffering. So many relatives I've spoken to often speak of wishing that euthaniasia was legal in this country so that they can give their loved ones a peaceful death without weeks or months worth of suffering beforehand. It does amaze me that in this country if we left a dog or a cat to slowly starve to death whilst immobile and doubly incontinent it would be deemed an horrendous cruelty, but we deem it as acceptable for people.

MaddyHatter · 29/04/2016 09:59

I've lost my grandparents and in laws and dad. Dementia, lung cancer, sepsis, heart attack, choking.

I have to say my grandads heart attack was the 'kindest' because it happened in his sleep and he knew nothing about it.

I wouldn't have called any of the others nice, because they weren't. They were horrible, painful and heartbreaking.

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