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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should be careful with your behaviour if you're a teacher out of hours and socialising with parents?

117 replies

SuperFlyHigh · 29/04/2016 06:53

I have a friend who's a contract supply teacher in a large town. She teaches primary - mostly I think all ages but currently with 9-10 year old mostly. She's been there about 3 years.

She spoke to me recently at first it was oh it'll be ok but now she thinks it could be more serious...

When they broke up for Easter holidays she and her colleagues went to a local pub near school, they go to this pub a fair bit, weed is consumed etc. sometimes some of the parents visit the same pub. Normally this isn't a problem but on this occasion a dad got into a row with my friend after he came onto her and she rebuffed him. When she said no, he drunkenly made a threat about reporting her to the school as she'd had weed and also she said a bit of speed too. He also said her son (who is 10) had seen her go into the park opposite the school and come back stoned at lunchtime. She does go into the park at lunch especially if weather is nice but she doesn't generally smoke (sometimes though with a drink) but certainly not weed at lunchtime.

Anyway the dad threatened to tell on her for both times.

Of course it's now after Easter and as far as she knows there has been no talk from the parent, she hasn't even seen the dad at pickup times (she is not generally around at pickup but sometimes bumps into parents near gates etc), she is employed by an agency so she's thinks they would be in touch, or headmaster.

I've said maybe she should not partake in illegal drugs after work at pub near school if parents could be present... Just in case.

So AIBU to advise her to be more careful in future near school?

OP posts:
DonutSpeakToMe · 29/04/2016 07:17

Iv'e seen most of dd's teachers out in all sorts of states here. I see it as up to them what they do.

Ditsy4 · 29/04/2016 07:19

Confused ...does she have a son or not. OP says "her son" then later on you say " She has no children..."

heron98 · 29/04/2016 07:19

I don't think you friend has done anything wrong.

If she is a professional at work and is a good teacher, what business is it of anyone's what she does in her spare time? I am sure there are countless lawyers and businesspeople who take drugs at the weekend, and no one thinks to criticise them.

Provided she is compos mentis in school hours, she is free to do what she wants.

DonutSpeakToMe · 29/04/2016 07:21

What proof have they got? I would just say I didn't do it and that the man came on to me.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 29/04/2016 07:24

'Confused ...does she have a son or not. OP says "her son" then later on you say " She has no children..."'

OP meant his son. The son of the randy arse who got pissed off when she turned him down. Bad to be a teacher and take drugs, perfectly fine to be a parent up for a shag with a teacher at his son's school and be spiteful and vindictive when turned down.
Socialising with parents is a very bad idea unless it's at a civil, acquaintance level.
Anything else is handing out free ammunition to those that may use it against you.

NicknameUsed · 29/04/2016 07:27

I think some people here are completely missing the point. Teachers are viewed as role models. If the children from the school they teach at see their teacher drunk or stoned it does have consequences. Anyone who doesn't understand that is being rather naive.

I agree that what teachers do in private should be of no concern to the school, but this wasn't in private was it.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 29/04/2016 07:30

''Teachers are viewed as role models. If the children from the school they teach at see their teacher drunk or stoned it does have consequences. '

Yes, but what about parents as role models? What consequences for them?
If teaching wants my life 24/7 then the pay should reflect that.

HeadTilt · 29/04/2016 07:30

Lots of identifying info about your friend here... Let's hope you don't undermine any denials she might need to make.

heron98 · 29/04/2016 07:31

They are not role models to adults though are they? I am sure other adults are capable of understanding that sometimes teachers like to let their hair down. Teachers are humans, not nuns.

Jaimx86 · 29/04/2016 07:33

TheSolitary - I agree! I've seen children from my school when I've been away on holiday Confused certainly wasn't going to change my behaviour for them.

DonutSpeakToMe · 29/04/2016 07:33

Where's the proof though? If I was the teacher I wouldn't worry about this. She would've heard something by now. I would just say I would never take speed. Have they any evidence she came in stoned/could smell it on her?

I used to work in roles with parents who used to make up and report allsorts of stuff about people. Nothing ever came of it, even when one of the staff actually did get pregnant by one of the dads 3 days after the parents broke up!

TheSolitaryBoojum · 29/04/2016 07:35

It's the thin end of the wedge though.
It leads into how should teachers dress when off duty, should they be seen at political events or campaigning for Greenpeace, or pro-life organisations, shopping for frillies and condoms?

TheSolitaryBoojum · 29/04/2016 07:37

'I've seen children from my school when I've been away on holiday'

Fuck yes. Sodding Isle of Wight, on a bloody bus in Paris, even in the fucking IWM.
Perhaps we should have agreed zones that don't overlap. You can't holiday in this county...Grin

ReginaBlitz · 29/04/2016 07:41

Your friend is a prize twat. Sorry but in or out of school she should still be setting an example she chose to be a teacher, drinking is fine but drugs is taking the piss she's shameless and I hope she gets the sack! Your area sounds lovely!

BillSykesDog · 29/04/2016 07:50

The father is a dick.

She's a fucking idiot. Is she smoking weed regularly? It sounds like it. The problem is if you're smoking it regularly it doesn't just affect you when you're stoned, it makes you dopey, spaced out and sometimes paranoid and moody the rest of the time too. My husband tries to smoke weed on the quiet sometimes and I can always tell, usually not from him actually being stoned (when he avoids me) but a progressive build up of doof behaviour in between times. I'm not mad keen on him looking after our one primary age child during those times due to a tendency not to be as alert around roads and other hazards but 30 kids she's supposed to be educating? Idiot.

And as far as taking speed goes she deserves to be sacked. That stuff is evil, can have absolutely appalling mental effects, a horrible effect on people's personalities, causes filthy comedowns and results that mean she won't be back to normal after a weekend. I'd go mental if I found out someone who had care of my child did speed at any time.

You'd get sacked on a building site if you got caught doing that, or an office or a hospital, even if it was out of hours.

TheNotoriousPMT · 29/04/2016 07:55

That man is a horrible blackmaily dickhead - it sounds like he'd have been fine with your friend's drug-taking if she'd slept with him.
But your friend is also a huge idiot. Smoking weed does not make someone 'cool', ffs. Is she 12?

Sunshowercap · 29/04/2016 07:56

I'm a bit Shock at the first few responses here. The parent basically sexually harassed your fried. He "came onto" her - she refused, he got angry. He's the entitled one - threatening your friend because his advances were not accepted. That's harassment in my book, and damn nasty sexist behaviour.

But she really shouldn't be leaving school premises to drink or smoke alcohol, nicotine, dope. That's just irresponsible behaviour.

However, that's got no connection with the parent in this case behaving badly. Your friend is not at fault - the man was harassing her.

Oakmaiden · 29/04/2016 07:56

Couldn't you get sacked from most jobs, if it was discovered you were taking illegal drugs at any time?

So this isn't so much about "teaching owning your life 24/7" and more about "don't indulge in illegal behaviour if you want to keep your job. And certainly not in public.

NicknameUsed · 29/04/2016 07:56

" I am sure other adults are capable of understanding that sometimes teachers like to let their hair down. Teachers are humans, not nuns."

I agree, but taking illegal drugs in public is not on.

Sunshowercap · 29/04/2016 07:59

And I agree with later posters on this thread saying a teacher's private life is her private life. Where & how she socialises is nobody's business but hers. She's taking a risk with illegal drugs - both her health & legality - but as long as she is not impaired in doing her day job, then that's her risk.

I think this "Teachers should set an example in their private life" is sexist rubbish. Another way to hold down a majority female profession, and turn them into moral handmaidens, rather than regarding them as qualified autonomous professionals. As long as a teacher's private life isn't brought into the school by the teacher then she is a private citizen.

PansOnFire · 29/04/2016 08:02

Two issues really - the father is an idiot, if he chooses to speak to the school then as long as the head teacher is reasonable, it shouldn't take too much to sort it out. She would just have to explain the situation herself and it'll come across as it really is, she turned him down and he's behaved like a knob because of it.

Second issue - drinking where she knows parents can be? Smoking weed in public? Taking speed? I'm all for live and let live but your friend is asking for trouble. A s a teacher it's important to give an impression of professionalism as far as reasonably possible. Your friend seems to have gone out of the way to do the opposite in an attempt to be the cool, hippy teacher that can have it all ways. If she wants to engage in behaviour like that then that's up to her, as long as it doesn't affect her teaching. The problem is that it does affect her teaching, parents seeing her behaving that way are likely to lose confidence in their trust for her and, rightly or wrongly, children are party to the conversations that go on at home.

I don't think she's professional enough to teach.

SoupDragon · 29/04/2016 08:08

had seen her go into the park opposite the school and come back stoned at lunchtime

How would a 10 year old know she was stoned?

NicknameUsed · 29/04/2016 08:12

I think you are overthinking the sexist stuff Sunshowercap. There are plenty of male teachers at DD's school.

I still maintain that your child's teacher taking illegal drugs in public is unprofessional and does change parents' perception of the teacher. More liberal minded individual posters might not think so, but in general most parents would be concerned. And our local paper would have a field day.

honkinghaddock · 29/04/2016 08:22

I taught secondary so if you went out and got drunk in your own town you may well be seen by pupils which could make your life difficult. If you did it elsewhere you still might be seen by parents or 6th formers but that was seen as OK because you had not done it on the schools doorstep.

Sunshowercap · 29/04/2016 08:24

OK, but the father still sexually harassed the teacher. He was an entitled sexist arse.

I still maintain that your child's teacher taking illegal drugs in public is unprofessional and does change parents' perception of the teacher
But really, until all parents lead absolutely blameless lives and never do anything illegal in public, they should back off & shut up.