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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be upset by this...

94 replies

CycleNut · 28/04/2016 18:40

I've worked really hard for three years to do a phd. I've worked throughout this time, prioritised my two young children and my husband, and frankly pushed myself to the limit. I work solidly 2 hours every eve after children in bed and juggled it round my dcs. Dh has been superbly supportive. Today i arrived at my parents db and dm were inside talking. They know I'm just about to submit my thesis and this was the conversation.... db saying - 'we'll have to pretend to be happy for cycle I suppose'...' I think she's completely wasted her time, everyone will just think she's some weird nut job now'. I expected my mum to disagree but she just nodded and said 'I'm not sure what she was trying to prove...'
I'm so proud of myself and its secured me the job I really wanted and I'm proud of what I did with the research but now just feel utterly deflated. We're supposed to have a bbq when I submit next week but I really don't want to now.

OP posts:
GinaBambino · 28/04/2016 20:58

Well done you. I'm studying for a degree (and about to have a baby) so I can change career and people don't understand that! It's what you wanted to do and should be commended. They sound jealous and you don't need that when you should be so excited on your achievements. Congratulations!!

Original poster
CycleNut · 28/04/2016 21:36

I didn't say anything, I shouted for my son then went in kitchen. Said thanks to mum for having ds, said hi to db and left. I really do love them both and reflecting on it i think they'll be mortified if I tell them I heard that, but will approach it somehow, just not decided how yet!

OP posts:
A4Document · 28/04/2016 21:45

Congratulations!

They're jealous and trying to put you down. Your DB is wrong to think intelligence and common sense are mutually exclusive, and to think that work is about money alone.

SuckingEggs · 28/04/2016 21:45

Perhaps they need to be mortified...

Flowers
Meowlster · 28/04/2016 21:48

Well done, that's a huge achievement in so many levels. I dream of being where you're at.
Fwiw, have your BBQ, and invite them, but have lots of friends primed to tell them just how proud of you they must be. Because they should.

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 28/04/2016 21:48

Well done you on finishing your PhD!
Does your brother have a chip on his shoulder about your achievements?
When I told my family I had passed the viva and was now Dr Gently, my SIL sneered 'well you're not a 'real' doctor' Angry It was all insecurity from her side (hasn't been to university) and jealousy, I think. Rise above it and let your husband spoil you rotten!

Meowlster · 28/04/2016 21:48

on

Misnomer · 28/04/2016 22:54

Firstly, congratulations! It's an amazing achievement. I'm in awe (in the process of applying for a PhD and totally daunted).

Do you think it's possible that they are a bit intimidated by it? My mother was a bit like that. It's like they have to downplay it because they don't really understand it. She was a bit (lot) extreme in that she was quite obstructive to me going to university at all. I think she thought that it would mean that I would somehow outrank her and she was used to being at the top of the hierarchy.

Anyway, don't let it diminish all that you've achieved, Dr Cycle Smile

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/04/2016 09:05

allegretto Shock dropping him from the Acknowledgements?!

That's PhD fightin' talk!!

Delacroix · 29/04/2016 10:34

Ugh. Definitely confront them, watch them squirm. What ugly thinking - 'ew, smart people, what weirdos, all that hard work and learning. Creepy'.

It's not uncommon. There's a culture if your family is a bit low-aspirational that, if you work hard, you're 'getting above yourself' and 'forgetting your roots' and 'Oh, you're too good for us now, aren't you?' Then there's the misogyny angle, whereby anyone with kids and a husband to care for - who's going to cook his dinners and iron his shirts, hey? - can be seen by some folk to be a dangerous oddity if they do anything more strenuous than a monthly book club and perhaps a 'little job for pin money'.

But it's the kind of thing, like overt racism, that should be dying out by now. To see someone who's studied for a PHD as a 'nutjob' and that they have to 'pretend' to be happy actually strikes me as something you'd have to put a lot of effort into these days. How can you be SAD someone earned a PHD? Their views are really strange and old-fashioned, or very very low-aspirational, and I'd be fascinated to know why they thought those things.

Meh. Losers.

AvaLeStrange · 29/04/2016 10:41

Your brother sounds like a jealous, insecure fuckwit tbh.

You are awesome, I wish I had half your energy & 'oomph' to do so etching like that.

Even in you were 'just' doing it for fun, rather than career development it's still a massive achievement.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 10:41

The person who matters more has supported you on this, which is your DH.
So, I'd just leave it.

And congratulations. Getting a PhD full time is hard enough. With children and a job (?) is heroic. :)

I know other people who left highly paid jobs to do their PhDs or go back to Academia. Because money doesn't compensate for a job you don't like.

Invite them to the bbq and make a speech where you (or our OH) explain how important this PhD is for you, as is having this job. And how important it is to have people around you who support you in your decisions even if other people might not agree with them.
Have you had a proper conversation with any of them about this?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 29/04/2016 10:53

Congratulations!

Some people get pissed off when you do well for yourself, it exposes their insecurities. Have your bbq, complete with 'well done me' signs dotted all around the house, let them know how proud of yourself you are, make them call you Dr Cycle, go for the jugular.

shovetheholly · 29/04/2016 11:01

Congratulations on an amazing achievement!

So everyone will think you're a weird nut job now? Am I right in thinking there is a class thing going on here? If there is, check out Radio 4's book of the week, which is a wonderful read by Lynsey Hanley called Respectable. It tackles head-on some issues surrounding higher education and class, including exclusion and admissions, and the way that having a degree (or a higher degree) can cause problems for someone fitting in to a community where such things aren't seen as normal, but a bit suspect, even uppity. (It's also extremely good on the assumptions people make if you are working class yet academically/culturally successful, including absolute incredulity that you might have got there without going to grammar school!). Anyway, it's a great listen - find myself alternatively laughing and crying, and comforted to know I'm not the only one.

OzzieFem · 29/04/2016 13:07

Congratulations on getting so far in your professional life after working so hard. Star Your DB does sound jealous, but I think your mother was just trying to keep the peace, and really just doesn't understand why you gave up a better paid job, then studied so hard to get a lower paid one. Please give her some slack. Just curious, is DB older, younger, or married?

Remember she is a different generation, with different expectations. It wasn't that long ago since married women were expected and sometimes forced to give up their jobs when they married. Only WWWI & 2 really opened up the workforce for women. There are still professions where women are held back by "the old school".

Enjoy your barbeque, congratulations once again for your hard work finally paying off, and kudos to your husband for being so supportive. Halo

whois · 29/04/2016 13:11

How can you be SAD someone earned a PHD?

Exactly. There is clearly more to this, nad it is their issue not yours. You DH has supported you. You KNOW you should be proud.

MoonriseKingdom · 29/04/2016 14:05

A PhD is a wonderful achievement. My mum did her PhD part time while working as a teacher. I was a teenager at the time. It was a long and difficult slog but she got there in the end. She was a really good role model to me as I bet you are to your children. She had a really fulfilling career move as a consequence as well so it all paid off.

Don't let them rain on your parade! Wine

hettie · 29/04/2016 14:14

Shock I did what you are doing. 2_small kids, work and part time study for my doctorate.... If my family has spoken about me like that I'd find it hard to be in the same room as them tbh... And I'd defo have to say something...
Massive congratulations btw

amarmai · 29/04/2016 15:15

Congratulations ,op. You are amazing and good your dh is on your side. The saying about not choosing our family comes to mind.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/04/2016 15:21

Congratulations. It does sound like insecurity, don't get above yourself.

Just remind him that it is Dr Nutjob!

clippityclop · 29/04/2016 15:34

Well done, they probably haven't a clue what your achievement represents for you, your future career and therefore financial security. Rise above it and enjoy your celebrations.

zeezeek · 29/04/2016 15:44

Well done! I found mine hard enough to do pre-kids - no way could I do it now. That is some dedication.

Sometimes it is really more important to do something worthwhile with your life than just earn shed loads of money, but it also a very brave decision.

I was still getting a bit of a thrill when I wrote Dr.... until last year when I (finally) became a Prof - and yes, getting a MASSIVE thrill from that much to the disdain of my DH who has been a Prof for 20-odd years and is really not impressed anymore

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/04/2016 16:16

I found mine hard enough to do pre-kids - no way could I do it now.

I completely agree ! I can just about manage to feed myself and family now, never mind acquire a doctorate Confused

I like your attitude though Professor zezeek Wink, because my old advisor (who had recently been made Prof) said to me, just after my viva 'Well yes, you've got your PhD - anyone can do that.' Shock I was most indignant!

motherinferior · 29/04/2016 18:57

I'm sure lots of other people will be delighted to come to your bbq and celebrate your achievement. And I for one (I'm a journalist who specialises in health and social care) would love to talk to you about your work on vulnerable children. I'm so sorry your relatives don't appreciate you.

SabineUndine · 29/04/2016 21:30

Your DB is envious and your DM was agreeing with him for the sake of a quiet life is my guess.

Don't let them spoil this for you. It's a massive, massive achievement and you'll be writing Dr in front of your name from now on. Celebrate without them.