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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In regards to the cat?

100 replies

CopyAndPasteCuntingJournos · 28/04/2016 17:12

My beautiful little cat was run over today and killed. I held her lifeless body and, after quite a few tears shed, I buried her in the garden.

Now it's not my dp's cat and he doesn't really like animals, fine I get this; however once he got back from work and told him he shrugged and said "it's just a cat, who cares". I'm livid. I get he doesn't like them much but anyone with an ounce of empathy would understand the sadness of losing something I've loved for 17 years. Right? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Acorn44 · 28/04/2016 19:43

Really feel for you OP.

I was devastated when my old boy died last year. My DP, who most certainly isnt an animal person (I had the cat before I met him) and who had showed no emotional connection with the cat ever, still shed tears with me. I think he hated seeing me so upset as much as he was - or was not - upset about the cat. He then gently took control, dug a hole in the garden and even took me to the garden centre to buy some special plants to put on his grave. I think your DP's reaction says a lot about him as a person, regardless of his views on your cat. Once you're feeling stronger, I think you will need to reflect on his behaviour today. If he is genuinely sorry, then he has a lot of ground to make up.

Thinking of you.

Sunflower1985 · 28/04/2016 19:44

that's so horrible

scatterolight · 28/04/2016 19:45

OP I'm so sorry about your cat. That's heartbreaking.

As for your DH... In my experience people who show such lack of empathy towards those grieving don't reserve this just for animals. If you don't LTB be prepared to have to go it alone when you're grieving for people you love. I hope he's worth it

cozietoesie · 28/04/2016 19:47

Do you have - or were you thinking of trying for - children with him, Copy?

Lilybensmum1 · 28/04/2016 19:47

Sorry to near about your cat! I would be gutted if that happened to mine. Sorry to say your dh is being horrible. Look after yourself.

FlowersAndShit · 28/04/2016 19:48

I couldn't even be friends with someone who showed such a profound lack of empathy. Even if he doesn't like cats, a normal person would still be sympathetic and understanding. Please don't have kids with this man, he doesn't sound like a very nice person.

IthinkIamsinking · 28/04/2016 19:56

Sorry but what an absolute fucking wanker. How can someone be so heartless. I feel so angry on your behalf
My cat died on Tuesday and my DH who rally isn't a cat person has been beyond wonderful simply because he knows how much I loved my boy.
Am so sorry for your loss OP

TheHauntedFishtank · 28/04/2016 20:00

We lost one of ours that way a few weeks ago. DH cried and grieved as much as I did and even if he hadn't would have comforted me.

CatchIt · 28/04/2016 20:03

I'm sorry about your cat, it's terribly painful and I feel for you. My darling horse was pts last week, he was only 5. If anyone dared say to me that he was 'just a horse' I will fucking throat punch them.

Animals are a part of our very fabric of our being. As much as I love my children, my animals hold a different place in my heart and no one is allowed to tell me otherwise.

I would be furious if I was you and and up being really spiteful and withholding sex then tell him 'it's just a shag'. Grr.

Original poster

CopyAndPasteCuntingJournos · 28/04/2016 20:07

Thanks narp

cozie yes, we do have a child together, a baby.

To be honest he's a little disengaged from us both recently. He isn't in a high stress job so it's not that, just odd in general. Then again I'm sitting here staring at my phone too so maybe I should down the phone, throw his out the window and try and work out if I want to send him flying after it.

OP posts:

murmuration · 28/04/2016 20:08

Sorry about your cat

And I also think he needs to do a lot more apologising, and come up with a reasonable explanation of how his intial reaction could be so heartless and blaming of you!

My DH, who struggles on the empathy front and didn't even like my dog, was kind if a bit befuddled when she passed away trying to comfort me in his clumsy way (he eventually hit upon dumping my cats in my lap that I could hug and pet).

sepa · 28/04/2016 20:10

This is reall sad. Happened to me when heavily pregnant and was really ill. It's heart breaking
Sorry for your loss

Penfold007 · 28/04/2016 20:28

YANBU we recently lost 17 year old Penboy to a short illness. He was 'my' cat but DH was beside himself with grief as is Pengirl. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

limitedperiodonly · 28/04/2016 20:36

It's not about being a cat person, it's about being a you person, and I'm thinking that he's not.

My English friend married a man from another country and lived with him and his extended family for a few years there.

In that country most people do not see the point of pets. They're not bad people; they just don't get it. But she had a cat and it lived with her and her husband in their part of the house. She said she had resolved to leave with her husband as soon as she could because it was clear they hated her and inflicted daily insults and humiliations while her DH tried to make it up to her and keep in with them.

What did it was the day she couldn't find the cat and asked: 'Where's Tiddles?' to be told: 'It was run over, so we threw it in the rubbish. Why are you crying? It was just a cat.'

Her husband, who didn't really like the cat either, went fucking mad because he finally faced that his family were cunts who hated his wife and clearly didn't think too much of him either for choosing her.

They live here now. They have had a succession of cats that he tolerates because he loves her.

SurroMummy13 · 28/04/2016 20:48

Original poster

CopyAndPasteCuntingJournos · 28/04/2016 20:54

I'm so sorry the hear so many of you have lost their little fluffy friends too; life gets back into its normal ebb (feed baby, bath baby etc) and then it just hits me square in the heart. She's gone and it's so fucking sad. I need her warm fuzzy cuddles

OP posts:

Original poster

CopyAndPasteCuntingJournos · 28/04/2016 20:55

*to hear

OP posts:

MabelFurball · 28/04/2016 21:04

So sorry to hear about your dear furry friend. What a miserable excuse of a human your DP is.

kali110 · 28/04/2016 21:05

Sorry op not a fucking chance would i forgive my dh if he was like this, ever.
That is beyond cruel and heartless.
You don't have to like animals to comfort someone who is grieving, especially when it's your partner!
My dh and i have 2 cats who are everything to me, us.
The last 2 years i have had they've given me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and keep going.
I will be heartbroken especially when the one goes.
Last year i lost a pet and i was devastated. I was inconsolable.
I can't imagine the pain if my dh had said that too me.
You deserve better.
I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Toffeecrispy · 28/04/2016 21:06

Yanbu
I had a cat get run over and i went with my friend to dinner to drown my sorrows, her friend came over and started laughing my cat died i wanted to punch him
Your dp is an arsehole no offence

ifcatscouldtalk · 28/04/2016 21:08

I am so sorry to hear about your cat, i'd be devastated. My dh always use to moan about our last cat but the day that cat was put to sleep he shed more than a few tears. Even if not an animal lover people with no empathy concern me.

ifcatscouldtalk · 28/04/2016 21:20

ifcatscouldtalk · 28/04/2016 21:26

My first double post! Oops

Wolfiefan · 28/04/2016 21:32

I am so sorry you have lost your cat in this horrid way. We lost boycat in the same way. We all cried. Yes. DH too.
He's the arse. Sorry but it is true. If I was crying over anything my DH would never call me names and ridicule my grief. You have lost a family member.
Never again allowing people to treat you badly would be a fitting way to remember your cat. (Cats take shit from no one!) And don't bury him next to your cat. He doesn't deserve to occupy such a special case.

Lunar1 · 28/04/2016 21:41

The point of a partner is that they make the hard times in life more bearable, not worse. I'd find this very hard to forgive. In the moment when you told him he should have stepped up and supported you no matter how he felt. Can you really see yourself facing life's challenges with him?

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