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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive ex

21 replies

Lostsoul62 · 27/04/2016 17:55

I would like to know if AIBU.

My abusive ex husband has been charged with vandalising my home on Saturday, while our baby girl (5) slept through (thankfully)
He has immediately asked for contact this week with her.
After his disgusting behaviour on the evening in question, I feel that supervised contact is best until he can prove that he can put our daughters interest and safety before his own selfish actions.

So my question, If this was your daughter would you allow unsupervised contact?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 27/04/2016 17:58

Hell no

Thanks
RaspberryOverload · 27/04/2016 18:46

Another no from me Thanks

Lulu1083 · 27/04/2016 18:50

No definitely not. I would be very concerned that he would do something awful or not return her as revenge

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2016 18:52

Absolutely not.

Friendlystories · 27/04/2016 19:12

I don't think I'd be facilitating contact at all let alone unsupervised. If he's prepared to risk scaring her (or even potentially injuring her dependant on what exactly happened on Saturday) I wouldn't think he was fit to be around her. Is contact court ordered OP?

starry0ne · 27/04/2016 19:14

YANBU.. I would go for supervised too.

dillydotty · 27/04/2016 19:18

Nope, not a hope in hell.

Topseyt · 27/04/2016 19:20

It would be no contact at all from me.

Were you out at the time and he was supposed to be minding her? Was he drunk? Come over to be violent towards you?

The answer would still be no contact. You are responsible for her safety, and it doesn't sound as though she would be safe with him.

icelollycraving · 27/04/2016 19:20

No. Hope you are ok Flowers

44PumpLane · 27/04/2016 19:22

Absolutely not!!!

I'd be reconsidering ANY contact in the short term but ONLY supervised!

RosaRosaRose · 27/04/2016 19:22

No. Hope you're ok

Original poster
Lostsoul62 · 27/04/2016 19:23

No court order in place. We have currently been separated for 6 months and he has been having her for one night per week since.
I cannot give much information as it will be a trial and my ex husband does snoop for me on this site.. (as well as everywhere else)
He basically lost his temper over something very small (he has anger problems only with me) and proceeded to smash my belongings and scare the shite out of me.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2016 19:25

Yanbu.
I would go for supervised access contact centre?

Hope your ok Flowers

Topseyt · 27/04/2016 19:30

Does he need to be at your place if you are separated and you know he is abusive?

He should be staying away, surely? You and your DD are not safe while he is around.

AliceInUnderpants · 27/04/2016 19:32

Hell no.

YorkieDorkie · 27/04/2016 20:07

Nooooo way. YANBU, not in a million years. If she'd woken up she'd have been traumatised. I'd be working towards ZERO contact after an act like that ThanksWine.

mrgrouper · 27/04/2016 20:23

Dear Abusive Ex

On [INSERT DATE] you were charged by [INSERT REGION] Police for an act of vandalism towards my home.

In the circumstances I would not be prepared to allow [CHILDS NAME] to attend the property due to fears with the appropriateness of your conduct.

I feel that the only way to ensure there is a safe environment for [CHILDS NAME] is for contact to take place at a supervised venue. I propose contact could take place monthly at [INSERT TOWN] Contact centre, [INSERT ADDRESS AND POSTCODE OF CENTRE]. This from my research is the closest supervised contact venue to your home address.

If you are in agreement to these proposals please inform me and I will make the appropriate referral to the contact centre.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

mrgrouper · 27/04/2016 20:25

send the above letter recorded delivery and keep proof of postage. You cannot stop access totally as he will then apply for a c100 for contact and the judge will not be happy that you have totally stopped contact.
Remember, judges and cafcass only award NO contact in very serious circumstances indeed.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2016 20:26

No I would not be allowing any contact, he sounds dangerous and violent, and showed great disregard for your dd safety and well being, he can go fish.

missymayhemsmum · 27/04/2016 20:27

Yup, contact centre only. And an injunction to him to keep away from you and your home.

mrgrouper · 27/04/2016 20:31

if you want to go for a non molestation order the NDV helpline will give you a template. However do NOT go for it ex parte unless there is serious risk to your life and limb by serving papers. Better to serve the papers and go for a with notice hearing.
Remember if this all ends up in court, the CA (1989) states that the welfare of the child is of paramount concern. Thus any abuse towards you will be seen as lower priority to the need of the child to have a relationship with father if there is an existing attachment between father and child.

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