To wonder what the hell I do when I cannot physically MAKE dd go to school?

[neighbourhoodwoes]

Dd has additional needs and is currently on the waiting list for Camhs. Mid year seven she started to REALLY struggle. School stepped in and offered self esteem sessions and lowered homework. Actually the level of homework was so bad that it has been dramatically cut for ALL this years year sevens.

Now in year 8. Meltdowns have increased and become aggressive as she now lashes out and are basically morning and night during school term.

She is very overwhelmed at the moment due to masses of revision for end of year tests, staff telling them exams are harder this year, commenting people have failed due to spelling and grammar. (which she struggles with) add to this the teacher changed the entire classroom layout and has sat her next to the class clown when she has sensory issues and hates change. I know they can't help the classroom layout change but it has just added to the boiling pot for dd :(

She completely lost it this morning. Sat in the hall and screamed then trashed the house, when she realised she was going to be late (she has never had a late mark ever in school she lost it more. Completely hysterical. I rang school. No one was available to speak to me. I eventually got her in forty minutes late.

Shes 13 and as big as me. I cannot physically drag her to school but I don't know what the hell to do.

Please help.

Definitely don't try to force her into school. I was similar at 13, except that I internalised everything instead of having meltdowns. My parents tried the 'removal of privileges' thing with me, but my anxiety was so bad that I'd much rather have spent the whole day at home bored, or cleaning the house, than go to school. And eventually I got clever enough to pretend to go to school but spend the whole day at our local library instead. The guilt over lying to my parents (I was a generally good kid!) wasn't nearly as bad as the anxiety over the idea of school.

You've said home or online education isn't an option - what about having an LEA-funded tutor visit at home, or, as someone said further upthread, having her attend school but do her schoolwork in a separate room, without having to attend all the assemblies/other sessions that pile on the exam pressure. I never did any homework as I didn't see the point (although I was fine with GCSE coursework, as that was purposeful!) - if this is a big issue, why not talk to the school and see if they can lower the amount further for her, or cut it altogether. Lots of it really is busywork.

My general attitude is that if your teenager's mental state is such that if they were an adult they'd be signed off work with stress, pushing them back to school is the wrong idea. I still find it hard to believe that after I admitted to my parents that I was self-harming in the school toilets because I couldn't cope with being there all day, they still thought school was the right place for me. Yes, teenagers' concerns are mostly trivial compared with what they might have to cope with later in life, but it's the emotional intensity that makes it so difficult for them, and that's real.

I hope everything works out for you and your DD. It's a really difficult place to be in, but when she's older, she'll remember having your support even when she wasn't a very easy person to be around, and that matters.

Please look into Autism Spectrum Condition. It is usually hard for girls to get a diagnosis as they are better at mimicking their peers. This strategy gets them through to their teenage years when their social deficits become more noticeable as their peers mature at a rate they cannot keep up with. Sensory overload is a big issue for children on the spectrum.

I have an 8 year old son on the spectrum and was likely on the spectrum myself growing up. We home educate our son due to the horrendous levels of anxiety he had surrounding school and I can honestly say that it is the best thing we have ever done. Our son is finally happy and learning at home.

Holding out for camhs to help could be a disappointment. In my experience they aren't much good anyway!

Get the teacher to move her away from class clown

Could you look at private counselling for your DD, while you wait for the CAMHs appointment to come through ? It won't necessarily fix anything but might prevent it from escalating any further and give your DD an outlet to discuss her anxiety without the fear of upsetting anyone or seeming 'mad' . I was looking at counselling recently and there are quite a few who have worked in the CAMHs environment and who specialise in school refusing amongst other things . Will try to find a link to the website I looked on as it was really thorough and gave a lot of detail on individual counsellors and their membership to professional bodies etc .
You could ring and speak to them and see if they think they would be able to help in your situation ?

I got my ds referred to CAMHS with anhedonia, trouble sleeping, poor self esteem and suicidal thoughts. The GP letter was very well put together and presented a persuasive argument that he needed psychiatric evaluation and help. His referral was rejected. CAMHS are swamped.

It was counselling-directory.org.uk , might be worth a look

Hi OP. I hope this morning was less fraught

I have little experience of this kind of thing but even I know that Pearl's approach is a. likely to make things worse b. could be dangerous and c. doesn't solve your immediate problem of how to get her to school physically anyway

My DD gets very anxious about school in a similar way to your DD ie she responds to the "talks" about how important exams are by getting very stressed, even though I tell her that these talks are aimed at much less conscientious students than her and are designed to gee up less anxious pupils, not stress her out. Sometimes that helps, sometimes that doesn't. She is in the middle of GCSE stress at the moment and I am spending a lot of time talking her down. I wish the teachers would sometimes think about the effect of their words on the more anxious students.

Good luck anyway OP. I really hope you can get some help and support

MumOnTheRun, Cahms may be a bit of a postcode lottery, but they saved my dd's life and gave us a lot of support. I'd say it's worth trying any avenue because you don't know what's going to work in your area, for your child. After our ghastly experience of primary school I would have said school were the people least likely to help, yet her secondary turned out to play a massive part in getting her help and supporting her. I'd say go into any situation with your eyes open.

And OP Been there, know how hard it is. On the plus side, if you can support your dd through this you will have a bond that lasts forever. Now is the time to reassure her, to make her see that this is not the end of the world, that something will work out, and that nobody is angry with her.

Do not let your mind dwell on the time she is missing at school; this is a special case and you are going to help her through; that is all there is to it.

At the same time, talk to everybody: talk to the school, see if they can put pressure on CAHMS or if they know of any other more spectrum-related body that might be able to help her.

Right sorry I haven't come back sooner.

Yesterday the welfare attendance officer seems to have marked dd in so she didn't have the stress of having to go and sign in late and then spoke to senco. I had also left a message for senco.

Senco told dd to do a little bit of revision at a Tim and checked if she was on the sen exam list which she wasn't despite some diagnosed SEN already. DD had a psych ed report in primary and went up to secondary on school action plus. However because she has made progress and is in the middle sets mostly she was taken off school action plus.

She does use a nurture room at lunch time and breaks.

Her hatred of school seems mostly sensory and her intolerance of other kids.

She has been told by someone she needs to be in x set and not move down or she will be moved on to a pathway with no gcse choices and a day work experience a week and she I gutted about the thought of that.

I know lots of people are saying home educate etc and I'm not really disagreeing, just giving a different perspective.

I missed a lot of school due to a chronic pain/fatigue type thing, with probably some anxiety thrown in, at the same time as skipping a year to go into year 7. Missing school made everything so much worse. I was "unreliable" as a friend/someone to sit next to, "never there" etc, even though I was lucky to not have a problem on the academic side.

I also mentored a girl missing lots of school recently. The school was getting nowhere with a "punishment/threats about the future for missing school" type attitude. I focused on the social impact of missing school, getting left out of things etc and it really worked.

Obviously this is only my experience, so incredibly narrow and I'm not an expert. It was really horrible when people had to be told to be my friend and include me in things at first, but it ultimately worked. Can you focus on the benefits of being in school socially and get the school to back off on the stress about exams, sets etc. to say that performance In year 7 exams will determine your future is nuts!

Sorry I don't have any better advice, but wishing you and DD well.

God bless you all Op, I hope you can get the help you need soon for this situation. And for those going through the same.

These threads always get inundated with people suggesting home education as the answer to everything. I hope you haven't been made to feel guilty or selfish, OP

Being in middle sets is no reason to not get the support she needs. Progress for kids with SEN isn't only considered in academic terms. Her social, emotional and mental health states are equally important and, quite clearly, she is not doing well in any of these respects. Her needs are not being met.

Given that she's been struggling for a year now, I think it would be wise to apply for an EHCP. No need to ask the school to do it. You can do it yourself. It will, at the very least, force them to focus a bit, rather than fudge. IPSEA and SOSSEN are good ports of call if you need support with this.

Home educate. Mental health is WAY more important than qualifications. She can always catch up later in life.

RTFT Ripeberry.

Pearlman - school is optional. No child needs to be placed in a situation where they are suffering misery like these children - most have ups and downs at school, but this is in a different league. They need to change school or, where possible, be slotted into a home education system or a special unit. The state has no right to condemn these children to miserable lives.

When our children are suffering we cannot just shrug our shoulders and say it's the law - we have to do something.

One of my children was deeply unhappy at school and believe me the saying that a family is only as happy s its saddest member is 100% true.

Could she move down a year group to make her feel less behind

I'm so sorry you and your DD are having to go through this.

Could you try and have a calm talk with your DD about what would help her cope better? Get really specific about the parts of the school day that are causing the most stress - transitions between classes? Where she sits in class? Certain subject or teachers? What about them exactly? Try and really pin down the things that are causing her such anxiety.

Gather some evidence about her anxiety and the way the current situation is negatively impacting on her mental health (GP or private Psych report??)

Make a list of very specific 'demands' and take them to the SENCO and explain that this is what she needs in order to access her education.

You might be pleasantly surprised by the SENCO - sometimes if you are able to spell out very clear solutions that they can implement relatively easily they may be happy to just do it. If not you can consider legal routes etc but sometimes I believe the SENCO just doesn't know what to do. If you tell them what you need they may be better able to help.

Good luck.

God I wish the people who just come in and blithely say "home educate" would RTFT and stop and think what a glib suggestion that is for most people

Can't be much help, but did you know a 14 year old can attend an FE college?

Do you have one near enough to attend?

It's not a light option, most only do GCSE maths, English and single science so it does cut off some options but she could start on a Level 1 or 2 course.

Is there anything she is really interested in?

I have been told about that sashh but when I asked our local college who do 14 to 16 courses they said they only do the level one or two course at college then everything else in school as normal so I have struggled to find proper info on this.

HE is not the answer for everybody. Dd got a lot more anxious and depressed when she was out of school, and it harmed our relationship: she came to resent me because my presence was a reminder of what she felt she was missing.

It is going to be a case of the OP talking to her dd, talking to the school, talking to any part of the health service that will help her, to identify what is the best solution for her in their individual situation..

the sensory stuff is probably best handled by an OT. Is there any way you can get an OT referral for your DD? If not can you afford to go and get a private assessment done? Having done the latter for my DS I was able to use it to get the NHS one to concur with it and school made adjustments. They were small, like where in the class he sat, making sure he had movement breaks - ie he handed out text books, was sent on errands etc, and was allowed to wear sunglasses in class if it was sunny etc... These made a huge difference to how he viewed things. Perhaps your DD can explain which are the worst sensory issues and you can go to school to get them to make "reasonable adjustments". If she has a diagnosed SEN then quote disability disrimination at them - it does make them pay more attenttion.
Also OP consider having this moved to the SEN board as you may get more useful help there.

Ive just found out they are testing the year 8s using gcse exam papers. Theyve done this before I had forgotten as dd had a wobbler about getting a really low score last year and when the paper came home it was a gcse paper.

What a nightmare you're all having.

School was never meant to be like this. Wtf is going on.
Definitely go for he

Look for some local groups.

Three of my grandchildren are home ended and are lovely well rounded, bright and articulate kids.

Kids saying they wished they were dead. Dreadful. What sort of fuckwitrery is this.

Not allowed to talk to friends at break....has this school lost the plot.

They'll be fining you next. Get her out. Now.