Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To wonder what the hell I do when I cannot physically MAKE dd go to school?

89 replies

neighbourhoodwoes · 27/04/2016 14:13

Dd has additional needs and is currently on the waiting list for Camhs. Mid year seven she started to REALLY struggle. School stepped in and offered self esteem sessions and lowered homework. Actually the level of homework was so bad that it has been dramatically cut for ALL this years year sevens.

Now in year 8. Meltdowns have increased and become aggressive as she now lashes out and are basically morning and night during school term.

She is very overwhelmed at the moment due to masses of revision for end of year tests, staff telling them exams are harder this year, commenting people have failed due to spelling and grammar. (which she struggles with) add to this the teacher changed the entire classroom layout and has sat her next to the class clown when she has sensory issues and hates change. I know they can't help the classroom layout change but it has just added to the boiling pot for dd :(

She completely lost it this morning. Sat in the hall and screamed then trashed the house, when she realised she was going to be late (she has never had a late mark ever in school she lost it more. Completely hysterical. I rang school. No one was available to speak to me. I eventually got her in forty minutes late.

Shes 13 and as big as me. I cannot physically drag her to school but I don't know what the hell to do.

Please help.

OP posts:

puzzledbyadream · 27/04/2016 15:20

My sister stopped going to school in year 8. She moved schools and it was worse, we couldn't physically drag her out of bed in the morning and when we got her into a PRU she didn't go there either.

Here is a lesson in what not to do: Don't have her arrested and press charges for assault. Don't chuck her out hoping she'll be put into care (my dad took her in). Don't presume she is just acting up and not in fact mentally ill.

My sister is 18 now. She's just received a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder but despite this is now on a level 2 Art course at college and doing well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. Sadly our parents are not as nice and understanding as you seem to be!

Mishaps · 27/04/2016 15:21

I have a lot of sympathy for this lass - being funneled through a system that clearly is not suitable for her needs must be a right royal P in the A.

Get her out from there! Educate her at home - anything, just anything, but subject her to this daily torture.

And as for the lass who says ""I wish I was dead right now" and is banned from talking to her friends - she simply must not go there - it is child abuse.

TigerLily666 · 27/04/2016 15:26

CAMHS services under pressure everywhere. Friend having similar difficulties. School didn't really take on board what parents were saying - until CAMHS person basically repeated what they said.

Is there SW involvement? First stage I would suggest is asking for multi-agency meeting between yourself / school / and social work - focus to be on solutions /finding ways to help your daughter cope! If you are getting nowhere with school speak to education authority - there will be someone senior there who should be overseeing children with special needs.

Also, get in touch with social work and ask for some support for yourself / make contact with any charities / vol orgs that could support you. If you are struggling to get your voice heard, get in touch with an organisation that provides advocacy -they can support you too. Maybe go with you to meet with headteacher?

Hope this helps. I live in Scotland so may be some variances re structures but general gist of post applies (I work in a local authority)

TigerLily666 · 27/04/2016 15:28

ps: And i would be insisting something be done about arbitrary classroom layout changes - sounds like your daughter needs stability. School is letting you down here

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2016 15:30

Why are people suggesting home education when the OP has said that she cannot do that?

QueenCarpetJewels · 27/04/2016 15:53

Sent you a private message OP

NewLife4Me · 27/04/2016 17:22

Imperial

I did, because I missed the post, not sure how though
But, unfortunately if all else fails the OP may not have any choice.
I hope it doesn't come to that and that intervention can be successful, but I've met a few reluctant H.edders who after trying all agencies had no choice.

corythatwas · 27/04/2016 17:35

SENCO is an idiot and an inexperienced idiot at that if she cannot recognise that this is exactly the kind of situation that could escalate into self harming or even suicide attempts

did for my dd (now ok, but after lots of CAHMS input)

Pearlman · 27/04/2016 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 27/04/2016 18:18

Can she work in a safe space within school that isn't her classroom? That way she's on site and doing the work but not facing such pressure.
School I used to work at had kids working in SEN department with TAs or off site at a local community centre.
They need to do everything in their power to ensure she is safe and learning. Forcing her into a situation that causes meltdowns is not going to help.
for both of you.

yorkshapudding · 27/04/2016 18:30

Get her out from there! Educate her at home - anything, just anything, but subject her to this daily torture

OP has already explained that Home Ed is not an option for her as she is a single parent and needs to work.

OP, I work in CAMHS. I agree that it sounds like an Ed Psych referral would be helpful if school have not already done this. They can observe your DD in school and assess her learning and emotional needs. It would also be very helpful for CAMHS in terms of their assessment if she has an Ed Psych report. In fact, some CAMHS services won't see young people with school based anxiety issues until the Ed psych has done an assessment. It may be worth ringing CAMHS and asking to speak to the Duty Worker, explain that you feel there has been a deterioration in your DD's mood and behaviour and that you're struggling to cope. They won't necessarily be able to see her any quicker but they can give you advice over the phone and signpost you to any local agencies who may be able to support you or DD in the meantime. You could also ask school to initiate a CAF, this means that they will be required to hold regular meetings along with any other agencies involved to discuss support for your DD and how she is progressing. In my experience it can help to improve communication by bridging the gap between home and school. Is there a school counselor available to your DD? They should be able to offer support with anxiety management strategies while she is waiting to be seen by CAMHS. It might also be worth speaking to your school nurse as they may be able to liase with the school on your behalf. All of the school Education Welfare Officers I know are very overstretched so can be really difficult to get hold of but once you do manage to get in touch they can be really helpful so, as frustrating as it is, do keep trying.

There are many options that don't involve pulling your DD out of school altogether. The EWO and senco may be able to agree a reduced timetable, or for your DD to complete her work in a Learning Support unit if the school has one, or they may be able to identify a Learning Mentor or other Pastoral Care staff to do some 1:1 work with her if she does not feel able to manage certain lessons.

corythatwas · 27/04/2016 18:55

Pearlman, that is an excellent suggestion if the OP's dd is strong enough to handle it.

What happened to my dd when pressure was put on her in a similar situation was that she tried to take her life. When she realised that something she felt she couldn't cope with wasn't going away, she felt the only solution was for her to go away.

It is a horrible business when you have to make a decision as a parent and make the wrong one.

The advice on accessing help is excellent. Never feel embarrassed to ask and insist. Any help given now may save massive problems later.

Pearlman · 27/04/2016 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witsender · 27/04/2016 19:50

Fuck that, no kids should be feeling that stressed and under pressure.

knitknack · 27/04/2016 19:54

She's in the wrong school (although you may well have no choice over that). Not all schools are like this! I'm a secondary teacher and DSL and I recognise none of the pressure etc - yes at year 11.... But not year 8!!!! We're a very small school though, so I know every single kid. Would moving school be an option at all?

Alexa444 · 27/04/2016 20:15

Poor little mare. No advice for you OP but didn't want to read and run. I hate that school is such a stressful experience for kids. 13 year old kids shouldn't be put under that kind of pressure. Learning should be an enjoyable experience or at worst, boring. Couldn't pay me enough to go back.

corythatwas · 27/04/2016 20:24

Pearlman, suicide attempts are not that rare among young people, and self-harming certainly isn't. And there is a long spectrum between a serious breakdown in mental health and a few tantrums.

Dd suffers from chronic anxiety: she is able, by using the techniques she has been taught, to live a normal life and hold down a job, but punishing her out of it is never going to be an option. It would be like trying to punish somebody out of a fear of heights.

Obviously neither you nor I can know where on the spectrum the OP's dd is. But my guess would be somewhere in between what you envisage and what happened to us. And what happened to us was definitely not the furthest end of the spectrum: there was, for instance, never any question of dd being admitted to a psychiatric ward, let alone sectioned.

Original poster

neighbourhoodwoes · 27/04/2016 20:24

Will go back and catch up with your posts now thanks everyone.

The welfare/attendance officer is really lovely to be fair.

Senco has been involved today and it would appear the attendance officer signed her in so she hasn't got the late mark.

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 27/04/2016 20:34

pearl this is way beyond not liking school and your approach would do more harm than good.

FlowersAndShit · 27/04/2016 22:53

I had undiagnosed autism which manifested in feeling overwhelmed and severe anxiety/panic attacks at secondary school. At 13 I took an overdose because I couldn't cope anymore and didn't understand what was wrong with me. I refused to go to school, but my mother and the welfare officer pressured me into going/threatened court/jail and I felt trapped. Every day was hell and I couldn't see a way out of it unless I killed myself. I took four overdoses over a 6 month period, and eventually was taken out of school and taught one to one at a learning centre. I'm still traumatised by it all at 25, and I don't think I can ever forgive my mother for putting me through that.

missymayhemsmum · 27/04/2016 22:59

Does she have a form tutor? A teacher she sees every day? If so you need to ask them to work in partnership with you and dd to make school more tolerable for her. I would be asking how best you and the form tutor can keep in contact to support dd, knowing that she has additional needs and is struggling.

ouryve · 27/04/2016 23:07

SENCO's comment about not self harming so not needing CAMHS would leave me wanting to slap them. Really bloody ignorant for someone in that position.

Definitely need to work with the attendance officer for leverage to secure and ed psych evaluation.

With your DD, rather than any "consequences" being imposed on her for having such heightened anxiety that se couldn't go to school, you need to reassure her that tomorrow is a new day ad that you will do everything within your power, so long as it is reasonable, to help make school a less daunting place for her.

ouryve · 27/04/2016 23:11

And ignore the "tough love" crap. Now is not the time to add to her anxiety unprompted.

If she asked what was the worst that could happen if she refused to go to school, by all means gently explain the law and the sort of trouble you could get into, but it's not something to just go out and scare her with for the hell of it.

shazzarooney99 · 27/04/2016 23:40

Ask school what they can do to help you xxx

TattyCat · 27/04/2016 23:44

Bloody hell. I can't offer any practical advice (or any at all, really - sorry) but I do get angry at the 'one size fits all' education system. It just doesn't suit every child and some struggle. I did for no reason other than I was an awkward child whose later school days were not joyous.

I haven't RTFT, I'm sorry (on way to bed) but if home schooling is an option then I'd consider it.

Flip

1 2 3 4