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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was very rude to this grandmother

78 replies

Valentine2 · 27/04/2016 10:49

At my local pharmacy, I came across this lady waiting for her prescription. She started talking to DS. It was obvious she was loving it and DS too. Then she told me she raised her grandchildren and great grandchildren abroad and had to come here to care for her father. It was obvious she was torn between the two and said it was very hard to see her grandchildren just once a year now and that she would love to have more children (vague but I took it that as in having children around her of course because obviously she can't have kids at this age).
So WIBU in failing to invite her for tea sometime and spend time with my DCs?
I have been cursing myself for being too damned slow. May be if I had taken that cup of coffee before leaving house, I would have asked her. Or is it ok and am I overthinking it? Please feel free to kick me because I am feeling I was being rude. Blush Sad

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 28/04/2016 12:01

If the OP keeps meeting this lady around the town, then it's 'meant' that she gets invited to meet the OP's family.

Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/04/2016 12:03

Leotwist
I am used to big cities and never been able to respond warmly to strangers generally. Always taught by my parents to mind my own business and do help others if you see any need of that but otherwise don't be nosey etc etc. But after having DCs it has changed somewhat specially seeing how grandparents can go nuts over them. No imagine having great grand children! That must hurt badly

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/04/2016 12:04

Ripeberry
I will probably take it that the universe wants to see us together then Grin

OP posts:
sarahtweak · 28/04/2016 12:05

If you are really worried you could go back to the pharmacy and see if they know her. They /probably/ shouldn't actually give you her name/address, but they might be able to pass on a written invite to tea to her next time she's in (and if it's her local pharmacy and her Father is in there's chance she'll be in frequently?). Obviously this plan might not work/you might get a complete random coming to tea if the pharmacy gets it wrong/the pharmacy might think you are a little odd (in a nice way...). Depends on how well you know the pharmacy really! You are being very kind thinking of inviting btw, don't beat yourself up!

blankmind · 28/04/2016 12:28

If you see her again and get chatting, perhaps invite her for a cuppa at a café.

I'd not invite her to my home though, or anyone else, because they may want to continue visiting or just drop in more frequently than you'd be comfortable with.

Iggi999 · 28/04/2016 13:18

55! Good grief. She probably has a better social life than a mother of young children. The people I know over 55 have careers, better holidays than me and are never in when I call.
If she's caring for her dad that might mean she's not working otherwise, but unlikely to be quite the sorry figure you're presenting!
That said I'd be quite happy if a stranger asked me to go along for a coffee with them, as long as they didn't call me elderly!

MsHoolie · 28/04/2016 13:49

You sound like a lovely person for even thinking of this.

I do a lot of voluntary work with the elderly and lonliness is ahuge issue. Makes me sosod (so Iset up a monthly tea party for them at church... we all adore it.
In school hols we bring (drag!) our kids along and the oldies just love that.

Scouts just took (dragged!) the troupe to an oldfolks home last week where the kids played board games with the oldies. My sullen 12 year old was like Satan in the way there, but was so happy when he got home...

It is really valuable to get kids to do stuff like this. Teaches them respect for the elderly and gives them a real boost/makes them feel good to do something good for others.

We are all going to grow old (hopefully), and, as a huge majority of kids now move away from the place they grew up, old age is an incredibly lonely experience for the majority of us. Very sad.

PS: the loneliest folk I work with are the ones still in their own home... I'd recommend moving into managed retirement developments... less lonely and a LOT safer!!
Need to persuade them to do this before they get too old to be able to cope with the idea of moving...)
Need to show elderly parents how lovely some of these places are... I think they carry the negative idea of 'old folks homes' in their heads... it is just not like that now.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 28/04/2016 14:04

I think you sound lovely 💐 Not unhinged 😁

No one can guess what the woman was thinking, so hopefully you'll see her again and invite her to go for a coffee with you. Hopefully all three of you will enjoy ☕️☕️🍼 And make a plan to meet again...and a new friendship will be created 🍷🍷🍭

KanyeWesticle · 28/04/2016 14:05

55 with great grandchildren means 3 generations of mothers in their teens, no?
(18 + 18 + 18) = 54, that's plausible I think. And she could easily at 55 have a father who needs care. None of that is too extraordinary.

What would be wierd is "adopting" her as a grandmother to your DC based on a 5 minute exchange in the pharmacy. I'm sure she wasn't expecting or asking for that - it was a casual chat while waiting for a prescription. When people see you with DC, it's an obvious topic for small talk.

If you meet her again, or regularly bump in to her and get to know her, perhaps she will naturally become a family friend and get to know your DC. I think this is something I would leave to fate, rather than engineer though.

Pinkheart5915 · 28/04/2016 15:02

You wasn't rude. Bless you for thinking you was.
If I invited every granny over for tea that thinks ds is cute I'd never get anything done.

proudmom135 · 28/04/2016 15:46

You're not being rude to the old lady given the fact that you let your child interact with her. She just missed her grandchildren while seeing your child. You can ask her out for a cup of coffee the next encounter.

HPsauciness · 28/04/2016 16:12

OP, I don't know if you are religious, but churches are often a good place for the generations to mix and socialize. Church-run playgroups, morning services, I love the fact that the church we used to go to til we moved was a real mix age-wise and a lot of the older people like to dote on the little ones.

Having said that, you do come across a tiny bit naive really, in that people aren't always lovely and good friends just because they are older and like children (agreed 55+ isn't old). Also, there's a huge difference between cuddling a baby or cooing over them, which I do myself from time to time, and wanting to take that further and become family friends. Part of that response is social politeness and I wouldn't personally go inviting anyone on the basis of a 5 minute chit chat and coo.

shonasybarbaric · 28/04/2016 16:54

If I was invited round to the home of every baby/child I had a little chat with, I'd never get anything else done :) Sweet thought, but you were NOT rude. And less of the old. I'm 55 (and a half!), and the last thing I think I am is old.

MrsFring · 28/04/2016 17:20

OP, you do sound like a really lovely person BUT fuck! This has depressed me, I'm 55 and my youngest hasn't even done her GCSEs yet!

Roussette · 28/04/2016 17:29

OP what a truly lovely person you sound. The woman isn't old though, I'm older than her and not old!

How nice that you are thinking of bumping into her again - far too often you get a fuck off expression for even daring to look at someone's baby so this thread is really refreshing.

TheGhostOfBarryFairbrother · 28/04/2016 17:41

Flowers How lovely to have even thought about it!

We need more people like you in the world.

Gwlondon · 28/04/2016 19:41

I think it's nice when different generations spend time with each other.

Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/04/2016 21:48

Thanks to everyone who took time to comment here. I am fully ashamed of my "elderly" comment and totally take it back. It's lovely to get the feedback like this. I think I will make sure DCs interact with the people from the generation before me regularly. It's a valuable experience that I missed out on. I didn't get any valuable time with any of my grandparents beyond childhood. I would have loved it in my teenage to have cool and adventorus granny/grandpa around but sadly they all were either very ill or had passed away by then.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 28/04/2016 22:21

I'd make friends with her before asking her anywhere, you have no idea of her background etc!

My mum made friends with an old woman in my street a few doors down when we were kids partly because I think they got chatting and partly maybe my mum helped her out and she listened to my mum (as a single parent with her own parents largely disinterested in us grandkids and my dads parents not allowed to be in touch (long story)).

I certainly don't think she'd have invited random people back to her house no matter how nice.

Member251061 · 28/04/2016 23:07

You sound like a lovely, caring lady & it would have been lovely to have invited her around for a drink. Perhaps if you bump into her again, you can do just that.
I wouldn't worry about not having asked her the other day though, as people often only think of ideas or things to say or do when the situation has passed.

WizardOfToss · 28/04/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roussette · 29/04/2016 07:15

Valentine I think your elderly comment came from you trying to illustrate in your OP that this woman was a different generation to you. I accept your apology Grin
because otherwise I'm a complete dinosaur being older than this woman an' all

Now just off to the gym for my circuit training even though I'm elderly Grin

Original poster
Valentine2 · 29/04/2016 12:57

Roussette
Yes that and also from the memory of her having absolutely white hair, I can't remember her having salt and pepper. I did need a strong coffee at the time Grin

OP posts:
mw63 · 30/04/2016 12:18

Haven't read full thread but no you were not rude, you sound like a lovely, caring person.
Maybe she is a bit lonely if her family are in another country and caring for an elderly parent can be quite isolating. I lost lots of my close friends when I was caring for mine but admit my life was sooo boring to theirs and it totally consumed me for over 7 years. I was 30 when dad died and 35 when mum left.
It would be lovely if you see her again to maybe go somewhere for a coffee and a chat but I don't think I would invite any complete stranger straight to my home.
I have an elderly neighbour (78) who I have always said a polite hello to, a couple of years ago she told me she had been very lonely since her DH passed (8 yrs). I told her she shouldn't be lonely and she could always pop in for a cuppa, she is never away and can be quite demanding and a right pain in the arse sometimes much to my DS annoyance....beware some well meaning kind acts bite you on the butt Wink

TattyDevine · 30/04/2016 12:35

Don't worry Valentine you were not rude.

I had the same thing once, I was in the queue at Boots and an old man got talking to me (his opener was that my car keys were hanging out my back pocket and that someone could nick them and nick my car!) and it was obvious he just needed the conversation and we were having a lovey conversation that got cut short when I was called to the til. Afterwards I thought, why the hell didn't I whisk him across to Costa for a cup of tea, he didn't appear to have anywhere to be and neither did I...