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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was very rude to this grandmother

78 replies

Valentine2 · 27/04/2016 10:49

At my local pharmacy, I came across this lady waiting for her prescription. She started talking to DS. It was obvious she was loving it and DS too. Then she told me she raised her grandchildren and great grandchildren abroad and had to come here to care for her father. It was obvious she was torn between the two and said it was very hard to see her grandchildren just once a year now and that she would love to have more children (vague but I took it that as in having children around her of course because obviously she can't have kids at this age).
So WIBU in failing to invite her for tea sometime and spend time with my DCs?
I have been cursing myself for being too damned slow. May be if I had taken that cup of coffee before leaving house, I would have asked her. Or is it ok and am I overthinking it? Please feel free to kick me because I am feeling I was being rude. Blush Sad

OP posts:
Micah · 27/04/2016 12:29

Call me suspicious but I think you should be glad you didn't.

She's raised grandchildren and great grandchildren? And is caring for her elderly father? Did she not raise her own children? Where were all the parents of these children she "raised"?

How old is her father if he has great-great grandchildren.

plus the comment about wanting more children...

Odd.

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/04/2016 12:46

Because you can generally tell if someone is attracted to you.
I can't tell unless it's written on the sky Worra - and sometimes even then!!

So the rule is that you can invite someone into your life if they find you attractive (and presumably want to shag you, and it's mutual) but it's a bit weird if you both just want to chat?

WorraLiberty · 27/04/2016 13:02

There are no rules LaContessa

However, if you're going to invite every random person round for tea, just because you've struck up a conversation about grandchildren etc, you'd better order a lorry load of tea bags....

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/04/2016 13:27

I agree with you there Worra - it could get expensive!

Original poster
Valentine2 · 27/04/2016 13:30

micah
Ok you have freaked me out a bit. I think she looked like 55 may be so it's possible to have a father (he has dementia she said) and great grandchildren. ( I can't see my father talking about us to anyone if his grandchildren are the topic of discussion. It's almost as if we don't even exist Grin) I did want to ask about her children but I felt it might sound nosey and also I think it could be that she was helping her children because she looked in perfect health herself. To be fair, I should have asked her bit more may be. And the comment about children didn't sound suspicious to me because she did look like the kind of grandma who would love cuddles. My elderly neighbour is like that too. Once she actually asked to pick DS so she could have a cuddle.
Personally I think I should have spent more time with elderly women than my exes (before I came across Mumsnet of course). Grin

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 14:19

My Nana was a gt gran at 60 my mum was a Gran at 40 my own Dd couldbe on her 2nd baby like some of the girls she went to school with so it is perfectly reasonable this woman had great grand kids

pigsDOfly · 27/04/2016 14:21

Oh god Valentine, you're calling her elderly and now you say she looked about 55.

No one's elderly at 55. I was thinking you meant she was about 80/85 mark. To have great grand children at 55 she would have had to have been very young when she had her children but I suppose it's possible.

But people thinking a woman is elderly at 55? God, that's depressing.

MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 14:29

Kind of is depressing im nearly 45 and nowhere near my dotage Hmm

willconcern · 27/04/2016 14:37

I don't think you should invite her for a coffee, unless you bump into her again and get talking again, and you feel like it. I think if you sent her a card you would look unhinged, sorry.

55 is not elderly. My DP is 55, he's definitely not elderly, and would be really offended to be considered "elderly". He runs long distances, cycles even further and is more lively much of the time than me (I am a decade younger, and certainly not elderly, not even sure I am middle aged (that sounds dreadful too)). I thought you were talking about someone who was in their 80s at least! If she's only in her 50s then the remark about wishing she could have more children is less odd than I first thought - she may have only just gone through the menopause!

pigsDOfly · 27/04/2016 14:41

Well, according to the OP MrsJayy you've only got a maximum of another ten years before dotageness will be staring you in face, make the most of it :)

JessieMcJessie · 27/04/2016 15:19

OP do you come from a non- British culture? Your concerns about being hospitable don't accord with social norms in the UK. She really won't have given it a second thought and the pharmacy would think you were mental if you left a card there for her. They have plenty to do without passing notes.

DotForShort · 27/04/2016 15:45

She was about 55? And you say of her, "It's not easy to be that old and being the primary carer of an elderly parent." That old? You're kidding, right?

I'm not "that old" yet, but I certainly wouldn't call someone of 55 "elderly." Nor would I assume that she would be falling all over herself to join you for coffee. You make it sound as though your potential invitation would be received with pathetic gratitude. But maybe she would find such an invitation rather random and odd. Her life is probably as full as yours, with friends, family, work, etc.

JessieMcJessie · 27/04/2016 16:12

To put this in perspective for you OP, when I am 55 my son will be 12 and I certainly hope I will not be a granny by then, much less a great granny! Are you very young yourself?

MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 16:25

Tbf when im 55 my dd will be 33 and I might be a granny so i might seem old because I have grandchildren

Pixienott0005 · 27/04/2016 16:31

I think if we were all like you we'd live in a world that resembles Neighbours or Home and Away, where everyone knows each other and goes for coffee I think it's lovely how you care, but honestly I wouldn't get hung up on not inviting a total stranger who spent a few minutes telling you a fraction of her life story, back to your house. I think it'd be strange to do that. Also a bit weird to say hey lets go to the cafe. You don't know her and usually people need to know a bit more of people in order to make an informed decision on whether they actually want to spend time getting to know someone!

Original poster
Valentine2 · 27/04/2016 17:49

The word "elderly" was definitely wrong but I meant that it was at least 55 if not more. So I think it is possible to have great grandchildren for her? I am not old but I won't have grandchildren by then may be. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine2 · 27/04/2016 17:51

Pixie
Honestly, i wish I could have that kind of life where I could socialise more and meet new people and have chats. Specially with people who have great experiences to share.

OP posts:
timemaychangeme · 27/04/2016 18:06

It's not rude at all. I'm sure it was lovely for her to talk to your DS and brightened her day, which is a lovely thing to be part of. I miss my dgd and also talk to babies/toddlers because I love kids. I really enjoy having a little chat with them in a shop or wherever but no way would I want or expect an invite. If you see her again and would like to invite her for tea or whatever, that is totally fine, but don't feel you were wrong not to have asked.

woollytights · 27/04/2016 20:57

OP you were unspeakably rude, there's a special place in hell for people like you Wink

In seriousness though, I wouldn't give it another thought. Also, we have 5 generations alive and well in my family. I didn't think it was too unusual. My grandmother cares for her elderly father. She's in her 60s but looks much, much younger.

Pixienott0005 · 27/04/2016 21:10

Valentine - me too. If only people could me more like that but nope people are obsessed with Facebook and Twitter!

angielou123 · 28/04/2016 11:34

No of course not. This woman is effectively a stranger so it would have been weirder to have invited her round. If you see her about again, just make sure you take 5 mins to have a chat with her. She's obviously lonely.

Clandestino · 28/04/2016 11:41

I sincerely don't think she expected any kind of invitation. She was most probably simply talking about her situation.
My bet is, she loved the time in the pharmacy and the only person agonizing about it right now is you, instead of being happy that you brought joy to an old lady's day.

Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/04/2016 11:49

Gaffer reading all these responses here, I think I have decided what I will do the next time I see her: I will ask her to join me for a cup of tea in the cafe and see what she says to that. i think I will find out there and then. I don't need to invite her to my home because we have abundance of cafes around us.
pixie
See this is what I mean. And I hate DH disagrees with it sometimes. we belong to the generation of Facebook and Twitter and that fair enough but I feel I am missing out on something more intimate than Facbook ffs! Mumsnet/Facebook/Twitter/streetlife are lovely places to have a chat/rant/share but they don't come close to the feeling you get when you see the glint in the eyes of a grandma cuddling your baby IYSWIM? Plus sharing some food and a cup of tea for half an hour or so. I think I should include it in my helicopter parenting manual that DCs have to spend at least few hours everyday with elderly (both my and DH's family don't live close enough for us to visit regularly and we haven't got the money to go and see them regularly Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine2 · 28/04/2016 11:51

Not Everyday! I wanted to write every month. And what the hell is Gaffer? Urrghhh my typo is crap

OP posts:
leotwist · 28/04/2016 11:53

I love that you put this question out there, OP; it's just the kind of thing I'd agonise over too. Having said that, the extent to which you did (agonise) shows what a genuinely lovely person you are. If you lived in one of the little villages up this way (Scotland) or perhaps elsewhere too, there would be nothing unusual about inviting an old, local lady back to your for a cuppa & you'd probably know her anyway. Just part of community life in a village. Shame that, to do so now, would be something of a relic of former times. Ah, nostalgia...