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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a birthday card from my kids?

22 replies

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/04/2016 08:50

I have two boys, aged 12 and 8. It's my birthday today and, as usual, neither of them has got me a card. Not even a home-made one. No presents. Not even a "happy birthday!" or a cup of tea or ANYTHING.

I feel a bit flat.

AIBU to be annoyed? I told my oldest DS, "Oh I see we're not doing cards or presents this year, then? I'll remember that on your birthday." (He'll be 13 in a few weeks.) I'll obviously not keep that threat! But it's the way he didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE it.

Am I expecting too much? Or am I raising selfish kids?

We don't live with their Dad so he's not here to remind them. But my DH is here and although he got me a card and gifts, the boys haven't done anything. I feel a bit taken for granted, TBH. AIBU?

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 27/04/2016 08:56

At their age I would not be laying this at their door. A verbal happy birthday is what I would expect but the responsibility in a practical sense would lay with dh.

Why didn't he give them cash to buy you a card?

araiba · 27/04/2016 08:57

did they know it was your birthday?

Cabrinha · 27/04/2016 09:02

Enough with the passive aggressive shit!
My mother drove me up the wall with her woe is me crap.

Sit them down and talk to them about it, how you like to celebrate birthdays, how they like to. Tell them how you feel directly, not in riddles and idle threats!

Do they need reminders of the date?
Do they have access to money to buy a card? (you can explain home made is fine)
Would they like their stepfather's help?

Sort it out properly, or you'll just be moaning next birthday too.

Original poster

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/04/2016 09:02

Why didn't he give them cash to buy you a card?

I don't know. He's really thoughtful usually.

did they know it was your birthday?

I think so! I haven't rammed it down their throats, though.

All I wanted was a scrap of paper with "Happy Birthday Mum!" on it. Maybe I'm a bad mother. At their age, I LOVED making my mum smile. But then, I was a girl and I also loved making and drawing stuff. Oh, I dunno.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 09:03

I think they need reminding at this age stepdad should have said to them its mums birthday on Wednesday we need to sort it out he is 12 and ime 12yrolds are a bit selfabsorbed have they got you cards in the past ? Yanbu to be upset though I would be but the dds had to be organised at 12

Cabrinha · 27/04/2016 09:04

Do they see their dad and do you help them with cards for him?
Don't forget that what you do there might also have a bearing on how important they see birthday acknowledgement as being to you.

Original poster

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/04/2016 09:04

Enough with the passive aggressive shit!
My mother drove me up the wall with her woe is me crap.

LOL! Thanks for this. I needed a slap. :) I'll talk to them later.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 09:06

A happy birthday wouldnt have killed them you are right its the acknowledgement (god spelling) thats nice

Cabrinha · 27/04/2016 09:06

for your birthday though!

Kids just don't think, generally - they're naturally pretty selfish! A bit of straight forward expectation setting and reminding is the way to go!

Marmalade85 · 27/04/2016 09:52

Their dad or step dad should have taken them to the shop to buy a card and some flowers or sat down with them to make a card.

BabyGanoush · 27/04/2016 10:00

Happy birthday!

Last week was mine, my boys are 11 and 13. After being forgotten on mothers day (for which I blame DP), I told DP that it is up to HIM to remind the boys, maybe even take them to town...

Also mentioned to the DC that I love getting books, and would love getting a new one by Anne Tyler or Kate Atkinson, but also flowers ir chocolate or cards. Just ONE of these things would be nice.

I must have beena bit direct in my approach as I got all those things.

I also spelled out that I will not be cooking on my birthday (DH and kids can cookor take me out). So we went out for a nice meal too.

I hope eventually they (DC but mainly DP) will do these things on auto pilot...

So talk to your DP. I did not blame my boys, as they just needed reminding by an adult still.

Just lay out your expectations.

Being "thoughtful" needs to be taught

No more passive aggressive sulking for me

Original poster

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/04/2016 10:16

The direct approach seems to be the secret! I honestly didn't realise - I thought every other Mum was showered with birthday love instinctively.

I'll spend the day creating a PP presentation. MUM'S BIRTHDAY: RIGHTS AND WRONGS. ;)

I'm having a lovely day really (back in bed eating croissants)... They're lovely kids. I just thought, if they have each experienced 12/8 years of us all making a fuss of THEIR birthday, wouldn't the message have sunk in...?

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 10:20

It depends how its been done its mummys birthday today lets make her tea or whatever from a young age and it sinks in my youngest Dd was more exited a kind about birthdays than her sister at that age

MiddleClassProblem · 27/04/2016 10:21

If ask DH if he could help them sort something out next year and say how you feel even if just for a bit of consoling. Surely he does Mother's Day bits?

MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 10:22

Aye being thoughtful needs to be taught I agree

Original poster

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/04/2016 10:24

Mothers Day didn't go brilliantly... I didn't get anything at all, then kicked off at about 6pm in a fit of furious resentment. DH ran to the shop with DS1 and came back with flowers and a card, which he got both kids to sign.

We haven't been married a year yet (poor bloke). I think he's finding his feet with the kids stuff...? Maybe he feels it's really the DC's Dad's job? Not sure.

DH is lovely, lovely, lovely on my birthday -- lunch, cards, flowers, presents. So he's not a mean man.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 27/04/2016 10:29

If he is just finding his feet give him a gentle poke just before the events it really is their dads job but if he is not bothering its really up to you and Dh to sort them drip feed next year its my birthday id live to do x y z you shouldnt be seething and blowing up its not fair on any of you.

Katedotness1963 · 27/04/2016 10:46

We have a calendar with the squares for writing on it. Everyone's birthday gets written on it and it's hung up where everyone can see it.

A couple of years ago I had a shit birthday, socks from husband, chocolate from one son and the other wandered into my bedroom at night and handed me an unwrapped paperback by an author I don't read, he didn't even wish me a happy birthday, just said "here", one card between the three of them. I'm not proud of it but I went ballistic. I do everything for their birthdays, decorate, get cards, buy a pile of presents, do the wrapping, bake or order a cake, book a restaurant for dinner and there's my thanks?!?

Mothers' day was a few weeks later and they went completely overboard, I actually felt uncomfortable about it. Long story short, mums birthday is recognised a bit better now.

Oldraver · 27/04/2016 10:59

Happy Birthday Whatsgoing,

It's my Birthday as well and there has been big lettered 'PORTANT DAY on the calendar for ages since I got it. Luckily DS is always very excited to give me a card and whatever pressie he has bought/made. Amongst others he made me a pipe cleaner bracelet

But...OH has in the past never been one for cards/pressies for any occasion, I had to make it clear that he needed to help DS while he was young and an acknowledgement at least would be appreciated.

I think you you may need to give you DH a nudge, though I would be disappointed your 12 year old couldn't at least say Happy Birthday. I dont think it was wrong to say what you did to your older DS. I think as 'how would you feel if we didnt bother with your Birthday' is in order actually

BillBrysonsBeard · 27/04/2016 11:28

I think kids definitely need it pointing out to them, it's just not on their radar so it's not personal. You sound really lucky to have a DH who spoils you though, from reading on here it's not very common! Well done for taking it on the chin Op and definitely try the direct approach for next year.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2016 11:29

^^ This.

dementedpixie · 27/04/2016 11:39

When it's our birthdays the other parent organises cards/presents so that the kids have something to give. I don't expect them to do it themselves (they are 9 and 12)

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