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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP telling off DC....

12 replies

PollyHotDog · 23/04/2016 13:33

DP and I live together with my 3 DC.

DC spend a fair amount of time at their father's house.

DP and I have been together for two years.

DP doesn't really get involved if I need to discipline DC. If they are really misbehaving (not often) and are not listening to me he may step in and raise his voice at them.

If they are being unkind to each other and I'm in another room he will step in and stop the fracas.

DD (10) has told ex she doesn't like it when DP tells them off. Ex has told her to let him know if he does it and he will 'punch his face in...'

Aibu to think that DP does have a right to discipline to a certain extent as we all live together?

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 23/04/2016 13:37

Mmmm! Your ex sounds like a twat! Did he think that was going to help your DD in any way?

If your DP lives with you then yes, he has a right to be treated like an adult in what is, after all, his home too. So your DD may not like it but, as long as your DP acts with your blessing, she can put that down to being a kid and having to behave respectfully - something your ex could learn, I think!

Talk to your DD and spell it out to her... DP only tells them off if they are XXXXX, just as any adult would.

NoCapes · 23/04/2016 13:43

Kids don't like it when anyone tell them off surely? That's the whole point of being told off

Your ex sounds like a twat though
I'd be more worried about his casual use of threats of violence around my children tbh

NeedACLeverNN · 23/04/2016 13:51

As long as you both agree on what to discipline then yes of course your dp should be telling off your children.

Your ex sounds delightful btw

lalalalyra · 23/04/2016 15:13

Your ex sounds like a knob.

Your DP should be a part of family life since you all live together and that includes discipline.

The only thing I'd say is be careful of the If they are really misbehaving (not often) and are not listening to me he may step in and raise his voice at them because it may seem to the kids that he's getting more cross with them than you are if he's shouty. It could (and I stress could) make him seem like the shouty bad guy.

Topseyt · 23/04/2016 15:17

If you and your DP live together then it is fair enough that within agreed parameters he can tell your children off, even though he is not their father. You all have to live under the same roof and behaviour has to come up to certain expected standards.

Your ex sounds like an arse. He is also setting up a situation where your kids might feel encouraged to play you and your DP off against him. That will benefit no-one and may give them the message that threats such as these are acceptable. I would be having words with ex, and maybe withholding as much contact as possible.

corythatwas · 23/04/2016 15:49

At this point I think it is up to you to have a chat with your dd.

Point out that while he is not their father he is living in the same house and that gives him the same right to stop unacceptable behaviour as any other adult who was sharing a space with them, e.g. a teacher or a friend's parent in whose house they were playing.

But at the same time you need to make sure that your dh is not intervening in your disciplining and undermining you, any more than you should intervene with him unless you absolutely have to. You do not want him to be giving the message that mum can't do her own disciplining. I am a pretty good authoritarian if I need to, but I used to have endless trouble with my dad chiming in and trying to add his authority when I was telling my brood off: he couldn't see that he was taking away authority rather than adding it.

MadamDeathstare · 23/04/2016 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 23/04/2016 16:25

Dp should be acting under your authority and no one else's while children are in his/your/their home. Unless ex thug changes his attitude, you're in for a bumpy ride of I'm telling my dad, you can't do that to me. The father giving the daughter over your dp is the tail wagging the dog. Children need structure and discipline, they may push against it but they need it and if their father allowed a vacuum to be created, your children are in danger of going off the rails.

Ameliablue · 23/04/2016 16:41

Yanbu, I can see why he is an ex.

Original poster

PollyHotDog · 23/04/2016 22:41

Thanks all. Should I tell DP what was said?

OP posts:

Janecc · 24/04/2016 08:08

Yes definitely. Some good points have been raised. And if he genuinely is in danger of being hit then you should also consider whether you need to speak to the police.

Chattymummyhere · 24/04/2016 10:34

I think you need to speak to ex and check that it has been repeated correctly. She's 10 and not liking being told off by someone who she may feel is trying to step into her dads shoes. You also don't know what dd has told her df about your dp telling her off. A simple sometimes he raises his voice could of been made out to be worse.

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