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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother Yanked Her Toddler By His Hair - AIBU?

100 replies

JudgyBigGrannyPants · 22/04/2016 17:44

I was approaching the bottom of my street in the car and saw a mother, who I often stand near at the school gates (never spoken to her) and who's middle DC is in my DC's class, walking along the path at the bottom. I could see that she would be crossing the road in front of me so slowed down and motioned for her to cross as she had 3 DC with her, one about 2 years old on a toddler trike type thing.

As she the car, she grabbed her toddler by the hair at the back and yanked him back from the road (he was still on the path about a foot in front of her) as I think she thought he was going to cross without her. I did not register it straight away and was utterly shocked. I had stopped, there was no panic that I was going to hit him. She could have easily grabbed the back of his coat.

The poor kid screamed in pain while they passed in front of me. Her eldest child (about 8) sort of lagged behind whilst staring at me, obviously aware that I had seen her mother do that. The toddler then tried to punch his Mum. I had a good mind to jump out of the car and shout at the woman but thought better of it. By the time I'd driven slowly away the toddler had stopped crying and his older brother was pushing his trike and making him laugh.

WIBU to bring this incident to the school's attention on Monday as they will know the family and possibly they may have other concerns.

DH says to leave it as they are from a different culture and parent differently and how they do is their business.

Just seeing that tiny boy in pain like that really upset me.

WWYD?

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 22/04/2016 20:38

I grabbed a friend by her long hair once to stop her from being hit by a car; driver was on a mobile and I'd managed to clock that and grabbed the first thing I could reach. Happens. Better a bit of a sore head than a broken body potentially.

The mother may have just panicked.

MunchCrunch01 · 22/04/2016 20:53

on balance, while it would strike me as a bit off, I'd wait and see if I saw something more noteworthy before bringing the school or SS into someone's family. It could be that she's lost someone in a road accident and over-reacts a bit about that, or panicked, I'd see, if she's generally a bit rough, you'll see something else.

exLtEveDallas · 22/04/2016 20:56

I once grabbed DSD by her ponytail pulling her to the floor and grazing her knee. She ran into the road away from a bloody bee. The car swerved would have hit her if I hadn't managed to grab her - she smashed her knee on the kerb, but that is better than being run over.

I didn't comfort her either. I was in shock. I actually shouted at her. I was pushing DD (newborn) in a pram and had tipped it as I grabbed DSD. Thankfully the weight of the changing bag rocked it back flat, otherwise my 3 month old would have been in the road too.

I expect if someone else had been watching they'd have hoisted their judgy pants at me too. Although in my case it was pretty obvious she was nearly hit, I think.

Medusacascade · 22/04/2016 21:12

I didn't comfort my five year old at the time either. I was bloody livid with her behaviour. Later on I hugged her and we talked about it calmly. At the time emotions were too high.

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 22/04/2016 21:22

What minisoks said.

My pet hate is when a driver slows and waves you across the road when i'm with the dc. Even sometimes when we're at a crossing and waiting for the green man. Fuck off already, i'm teaching my kids to wait and watch.

Thisismyfirsttime · 22/04/2016 22:21

You don't stop and wave people across the road. If it's not a crossing you shouldn't stop unless pedestrians are on the road already and if it is you stop and let them decide when it's safe to cross. I have been both a driver who'd stopped for a zebra crossing and noticed a cyclist shooting up the inside so I bibbed (in a panic, to alert the woman crossing and the cyclist and the woman stopped to turn to me to say 'wtf?' but realised as the cyclist zoomed past a second later that would have been where she was.) and a pedestrian on a busy crossing with toddler dd when a driver stopped and waved me across in an impatient 'go, I've stopped' way and not crossed because I looked the other way at the last second before crossing and a car was coming up so fast it was clear it wasn't going to stop. And it didn't. I'm teaching dd road safety now and a big part of it is to ignore drivers who stop when not at a pedestrian crossing and to never rely on a driver waving her across. You should have slowed, maybe stopped depending on the circumstances but you should not have expected them to cross in front of you because you'd stopped.

LogicalThinking · 22/04/2016 22:46

I am visually impaired and I HATE it when people slow down and wave me across the road. I can't see the waving so I end up standing there waiting, trying to work out if the car is moving or not. When I had my kids with me it was even worse as I was trying to teach them to wait too.
I have grabbed my kids before - I had a runner, and I even got reported to my head because a passer-by had witnessed me man-handling my son who was trying to do a runner. Fortunately, my head was more than aware of my son's behaviour so it went no further.

Please keep out of this. You have made a judgment based on a tiny fragment of information that you have probably completely misinterpreted and it was made worse by your own actions.

elfycat · 22/04/2016 22:48

DD1 (then 6) was crossing the nearby railway line - it had just opened up after the train had been through. There are white lines to denote the 'pavement' bit from the road. She was messing about and stepped over the line - onto the road, in front of a bus.

I grabbed for her, really not caring which bit I got hold of. In that case I think it was her collar. So I dragged her by her neck out of the path of the bus.

No I didn't comfort her. I got her off the rail crossing and shouted at her. She hasn't stepped across that line again, and we cross it several times a week. She had been doing it 6 times a week (minimum) for 2 years by that point.

And for people who think that looking angry is a bad thing:

I guess I look angry rather than panicking. We lost DD2 at a theme park (bolter) and after a quick scoot round I went to report it to security. I then went for another look. 2 security guards came round a corner with DD2, took one look at me and said 'And you'll be Mum.' They said we come in 2 types; the tearful and panicky, and the boiling mad. I felt panicky but I don't DO panic, and what would that expression look like? I feel like my face is frozen, but I don't get to see it.

If you know nothing about this person then I would put any anger down to her perception of your actions, and frustration and fear for her child. If you do decide to go and talk to someone about her actions be sure to tell them about you not following the highway code and putting her on the spot, having to guess what your actions were in a split second.

ImNotThatGirl · 23/04/2016 00:08

When you're a pedestrian, it is not always easy to judge the distance of a car coming towards you. I'm better at this now I'm a more experienced driver but I spend part of my adult life not being able to drive and my ability to judge speed when I was crossing the road was poorer.

Years ago, I grabbed my DC by the hair when she rushed ahead to board a train. Once both safely on the train, I noticed that the gap was too small for her to ever fall down. However, at the time, all I could think was; "my child is going to fall between the train and the platform". I actually managed to yank a small clump of hair out but fortunately, she has very thick hair. I was furious with her for being careless. Later, we cuddled and I got her a toy that she had been coveting. At the time, fear and panic took over and it can manifest as anger if they're doing the one thing you constantly tell them not to do.

Clandestino · 23/04/2016 00:47

cultural thing. This is so PC it's racist.
From the description it was a knee-jerk reaction of a mother who saw a car coming and got scared.
Why would you want to report it?
You're BU. However, because I'm from another culture, it hopefully doesn't make me a moron. Just put it down to a different cultural experience.

TendonQueen · 23/04/2016 01:21

OP this has gone the way it always does on here. Snapshot, judgy, you're even worse, etc. And then people telling you that while you can't judge on that basis, they (who weren't even there) can, what with 'I guarantee you it was like this..' Mishap.said earlier that small incidents being reported can be telling in issues of protecting children. However, the prevailing feeling on here is that you always give the parent the benefit of the doubt and any possible risk to the child comes a long way second.

Mousefinkle · 23/04/2016 02:12

I grabbed my DD's ponytail when she ran out into a road. I prefer that scenario to her being crushed under a car. Yabu. Knee jerk reaction, kind of like when you hit your child's hand to get it away from a source of heat.

Furiosa · 23/04/2016 02:30

I think you can see most people think you were witness to a parenting mistake rather than an act of abuse.

Please enlighten us though:

What culture do think she is from?

Furiosa · 23/04/2016 02:33

TendonQueen -

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/04/2016 05:46

"Cultural thing" isnt so PC it's racist. It's just a bit racist.

Icecappedpinetrees · 23/04/2016 06:15

I'm with hedgehog and the others...

I don't like it when cars slow down and stop. It means my toddler sees me acknowledging a car and stepping out in front of it. Sometimes folk flap at you to cross like they're doing you a favour but I'd rather take my time and be able to stop, check and think. My DS could run in any direction at any time, when I step out I need to be 100% that I can keep him safe.

Cars that slow down and carefully travel past at a safe speed are very appreciated.

Agree about the hair grab sounding like a snap decision, although unpleasant for the child. Had you not seen her and stopped, her action might have saved that child.

NickyEds · 23/04/2016 06:32

I agree with icecapped, it's annoying when people slow to a stop to let you past. As a pedestrian you can't always tell why they're slowing, sometimes glare on the windscreen means that you can't see into the car and it set a bad example to kids.

amarmai · 23/04/2016 07:25

the reaction of the older child suggests this is not a 1 off. He was noting your shocked horror and made it his business to get the little one to laugh. I wd tell the school.

waitingforsomething · 23/04/2016 07:35

Sounds like an error as a result of panic. I think yabu, it's difficult to do the right thing in the spur of the moment like that sometimes

leelu66 · 23/04/2016 07:47

Funny how first post was "slowed down and motioned for her to cross" and now it's "stopped".

This. YABU for motioning people across a road when you haven't even stopped your car.

Maybe she didn't even see you motion, anyway. She stopped her child crossing a road where a car was still moving.

Well done for never having to grab your DCs by the hair to stop them crossing a road but not everyone is you.

And I do find the culture comment a bit insidious. It's 'othering' the woman instead of showing empathy with why she may have pulled her son back.

Pearlman · 24/04/2016 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

insancerre · 24/04/2016 07:46

If you see a child being abused ( though I agree it doesn't sound like abuse in this instance), then report it to the police, social services or the NSPCC
Don't report it to the school, they can't do anything with the information

KaosReigns · 24/04/2016 09:21

I once pushed a 3 year old over, the look of betrayal on his face will stay with me forever. We had just been walking along the beach having a nice conversation, as much as one can have a nice conversation with a 3 year old. Next thing he knows hes been shoved in to the sand.

He forgave me as soon as I pointed out the jellyfish that he had been about to step on. His foot was seconds from making contact and I didn't even have time to snatch him up so I just gave him a quick shove to safety. I was as shocked as he was to be honest, I'd reacted before I knew what was happening.

DP was walking ahead of us and turned when he heard the boys surprised shout to find a small child lying in the sand and me standing over him looking guilty. But he still proposed and intentionally impregnated me, so I can't be too evil right?

Whatthefoxgoingon · 24/04/2016 11:11

I have grabbed various parts of children to drag them out of danger's way, usually followed by a good bollocking.

What a horrible racist comment about that mother's culture. You basically said it was in her culture to abuse kids by pulling their hair.

LogicalThinking · 24/04/2016 11:58

That's not true insancerre. If you do witness genuine abuse, then it is perfectly acceptable to report it to the child's school. They CAN do something with that information and they can give it far more context.
Also, very often you might know the child's school, but not know their name or address, so reporting it directly to anyone else would be impossible.

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