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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother Yanked Her Toddler By His Hair - AIBU?

100 replies

JudgyBigGrannyPants · 22/04/2016 17:44

I was approaching the bottom of my street in the car and saw a mother, who I often stand near at the school gates (never spoken to her) and who's middle DC is in my DC's class, walking along the path at the bottom. I could see that she would be crossing the road in front of me so slowed down and motioned for her to cross as she had 3 DC with her, one about 2 years old on a toddler trike type thing.

As she the car, she grabbed her toddler by the hair at the back and yanked him back from the road (he was still on the path about a foot in front of her) as I think she thought he was going to cross without her. I did not register it straight away and was utterly shocked. I had stopped, there was no panic that I was going to hit him. She could have easily grabbed the back of his coat.

The poor kid screamed in pain while they passed in front of me. Her eldest child (about 8) sort of lagged behind whilst staring at me, obviously aware that I had seen her mother do that. The toddler then tried to punch his Mum. I had a good mind to jump out of the car and shout at the woman but thought better of it. By the time I'd driven slowly away the toddler had stopped crying and his older brother was pushing his trike and making him laugh.

WIBU to bring this incident to the school's attention on Monday as they will know the family and possibly they may have other concerns.

DH says to leave it as they are from a different culture and parent differently and how they do is their business.

Just seeing that tiny boy in pain like that really upset me.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Mishaps · 22/04/2016 19:23

Do you have any other reason to question this woman's mothering? As an isolated incident it is difficult to interpret. As others have said she may have been trying to stop him finishing up under a car.

However, as an ex-SW, I have to say that sometimes it is the aggregate of a number of small occurrences that eventually alert people to the fact that something is amiss. Each incident might seem trivial of itself, but put together, a pattern sometimes emerges that is more concerning. This need to report small things is brought out in nearly all the investigations into child abuse cases that have a tragic ending - it comes out that lots of people had individual concerns, but these were not put together.

I am not for a moment suggesting that this is a seriously abusive mother; just pointing out what has come from many serious case reviews.

GreatFuckability · 22/04/2016 19:24

I remember walking with a friend down some steps once and tripping, I grabbed hold of a handful of her hair as I went down. Reactions are not planned. Yabu.

LifesBeenaJourney · 22/04/2016 19:24

OP, I'm still interested to know what you expect the school to do?

roundaboutthetown · 22/04/2016 19:25

I was nearly run over as a child, because someone stopped for me to cross, but the person driving the other way didn't... I'd naively assumed the other car had stopped for me because the road was clear. I think it is quite possible, if the mother was busy with several children that she hadn't got round to judging the road for herself, yet, and didn't want the toddler ploughing across the road without her. The odd thing to me is the lack of comforting him, afterwards, if she hurt him when trying to stop him. However, on the back of one single incident like that, I don't think I would feel inclined to report the parent, because it was not obvious that her behaviour was deliberate, by the sound of things.

SurroMummy13 · 22/04/2016 19:26

It may be a reaction.

If it was a choice between my daughter legging it in front of a car, or my grabbing the first thing I could, to pull her back and try to prevent her being injured or killed, I'd go for the latter every single time.

Did she comfort him afterwards? If no, that could signal something.

thatsn0tmyname · 22/04/2016 19:27

I've grabbed both my children by the hair. When they run off you panic and grab the first part you can.

Janeymoo50 · 22/04/2016 19:27

What other "concerns do you think the school MAY have" by the way?

GreatFuckability · 22/04/2016 19:29

Panic often manifests as anger. It's an adrenaline thing.

IWantMyMumSheWouldBeProud · 22/04/2016 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kali110 · 22/04/2016 19:34

Moron because people have disagreed with you?Grin

round very good point. Sorry that happened to you though!
surro if it was dead child or pulling their hair i don't know a parent who wouldn't so it.

Pixienott0005 · 22/04/2016 19:38

If I thought my child would step on front of a moving vehicle I would grab him by the something, anything I could reach to make sure he didn't. I don't think this is a case of child abuse op.

LaurieMarlow · 22/04/2016 19:48

Throwing around the word moron is pretty rude. Hmm

The point of aibu is that you might be told yabu. There's such a thing as conceding gracefully.

I've still no idea what you thought the school was going to do about it.

Amy214 · 22/04/2016 19:54

I have pulled my daughters arm as i thought she was going to get run over, the driver of said car then stopped and gave me some amount of abuse and said to me 'stupid little bitch you couldve taken her arm off' she was crying as it was obviously sore but i got such a fright at the sight of a car coming towards her that i just reached out and pulled her back (even though it was probably moving slowly)

Mysteryfla · 22/04/2016 19:54

So because people on this forum are disagreeing with you they're "moron"s. The phrase that has the words pot and kettle comes to mind.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 22/04/2016 19:56

Firstly, I wouldn't thank you for slowing or stopping to allow us to cross. I'm teaching my DC to stop, look and listen. By you doing that they may miss seeing another car turning into the road or pulling out from a driveway which wouldn't necessarily have seen them. So unless you are at a red light or a pelican crossing where it would be reasonable to assume that every other road user would react the same, I'd guard against advising pedestrians to cross. Your view of the road may not be the same as theirs.

Secondly, it. May have been a knee-jerk reaction to stop her child crossing without waiting, either for her or to make sure it was safe. Maybe the trike was starting to run down a slope and she wanted to stop him. We don't know. We weren't there. We can only assume that it might have been a snap reaction rather than yet another similar occurrence of many. I have reached out and grabbed the nearest part of my children to stop them running into a road or doing something likely to risk life or limb. Certainly when you have more than one child to watch it is possible you are reaching for one while watching the other and hollering instructions at the same time.

But, if you feel there may be more to it then you would be wise to report it to the school. As others have said, this could be one small part of a very big jigsaw, without which a full picture cannot be gleaned. Again, only you have seen this parent interact with her child at any time. I'm sure in any given day as I'm chivvying the DC along the road or shouting at the one ahead to stop for the billionth time, anyone seeing that snapshot of my life could be rightly concerned.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2016 20:00

I think it's different when somebody reaches out and grabs whatever part of a child is there to pull them back.

If she'd pulled him back by his arm and THEN pulled his hair, like you might see somebody pull a child out of the road and then smack them, then I would be concerned but as a knee jerk reaction/mistake I think it could happen to anyone. I am not a driver and it's not always clear when a car has fully stopped. I think I pulled DS back by his hood once and he complained that I'd strangled him - obv I would never pull him around by his hood normally but I hadn't expected him to step into the road and it was an instinctive reaction.

But that said - you were there, if you are sufficiently concerned you could have a word if you want to.

Medusacascade · 22/04/2016 20:04

I grabbed my five year old by the hair last week. She's flighty and was about to do something dangerous. It was the first part of her my hand connected with because it's so long.

I'm sure I was judged for it but my job as a parent is to keep her safe.

It's hard herding children when one has autism and the other we're just finding out. I'm sick of being judged by people who have no idea how sometimes one cannot parent conventionally.

Use of moron is as offensive as regard. Hth.

SurroMummy13 · 22/04/2016 20:06

Just seen she didn't comfort him. Mention it to the school if are still concerned.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 22/04/2016 20:15

Peregrane

Imagine if you were that toddler would you want your mother stopping you from injuring or potentially killing yourself? I think yes.

Who is your imaginery "kind soul"? The headteacher? Who did not witness this incident and if the mother was questioned it would be Op's word against that mother's anyway?

OP saw an extraordinary action and assumed it to be ordinary. I think that is unfair to say the least.

Griphook · 22/04/2016 20:19

If it's inappropriate behaviour it's inappropriate regardless of culture. Culture isn't a shield for people to abuse children.
I not saying that's the case here, but please don't excuse behaviour towards a child on cultural grounds

IWantMyMumSheWouldBeProud · 22/04/2016 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 22/04/2016 20:27

Oh ffs so what if she didn't comfort him right away??
Was she supposed to performance parent for OP's sake and give him a big theatrical hug and freshly baked cookie pulled out of her apron pocket to win OP's approval?
How very dare anyone assume bad things of this person, based on what seems to be no more than a minute of an unfortunate encounter?

TwentyCupsOfTea · 22/04/2016 20:31

If I thought a toddler was going to run into the road Infront of a car I would sooner stick out my foot to trip them and make them stop than let it happen. If you witnessed that then i am sure you would think I was a monster!
You are bu - its coming from a good place I think, but you still are.

dementedma · 22/04/2016 20:32

My nephew was a terrible biter. Really deep, vicious bites and wouldn't let go. He went to bite my nieces arm once and my mother tried to grab him and got his hair. We then had a stand off which seemed to last for minutes ( but was only a few seconds) with every one frozen in position: dniece held by her arm by her raging brother, said brother held by his hair with his teeth inches away from his sister's arm, my mother at full stretch telling him to let go of his sister, nephes screeching like a banshee....
Mum didn't dare let go or he would have sunk his fangs into his sister......
He's now 21, 6 foot 2 and still has a gorgeous shock of red hair. He has also stopped biting people.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/04/2016 20:35

Agree it was a knee jerk reaction.

Bit Hmm at your DH saying it's a cultural issue.

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