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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's unfair she's annoyed (wedding- sorry, I know)

85 replies

Leslieknope45 · 21/04/2016 20:24

So a good friend of mine is getting married in November. Back story, she came to my wedding and was brilliant and great fun and made a real fuss of me. I am going to her hen do in August.

So she is getting married abroad. My husband isn't invited (they aren't inviting any plus ones).

It's a four day event but I am a teacher so I couldn't get time off so I would have to just go Saturday to Sunday. There aren't any flights to the nearest airport so I would have to hire a car, which I am slightly nervous about. I would land at midday and then have to get to the wedding, then get up early to fly back the next day.

We have to pay to stay in the house they have rented out and the flights are quite expensive. It would be a bit of a stretch for me to afford and would definitely mean that my husband and I wouldn't be able to go on holiday this year.

I have said I'm sorry but I won't be able to come. She is now seriously annoyed at me.

They aren't even actually getting married abroad- they get married when they come back to the UK at a family only event, so I suggested I come to that instead but that was a terrible suggestion! I just don't think it's doable and if I could take a day's leave on the Friday or Monday I would definitely be more likely to go, or even a half day, but a wedding abroad for one night seems ridiculous to me. AIBU or should I put myself out for a good friend like she did for my wedding?

OP posts:

LumelaMme · 21/04/2016 22:00

don't know what's happened

BeansMcCready · 21/04/2016 22:01

You are being a teensy bit u - it would be a great learning experience for you to hire a car and drive it yourself as you are an adult and I think it's important to make an effort for good friends and it would probably be fun! However, her being stroppy is not reasonable nor is expecting you to spend your holiday fund for this year on a holiday without your DH. Can you go back to her and let her know how tight for finances are so she knows what she is asking you to do? Maybe she will offer to pay if she feels that you want to be there as she is a good friend and has been supportive to you? (Probably wishful thinking....)

PurpleDaisies · 21/04/2016 22:03

BabyBuzz · 21/04/2016 22:04

I know a couple, who got married in a registry office in their home Country but months later, led everyone to believe they were getting married abroad, just because, they knew, if they told people they were already married, no one would have gone to the expense of going abroad for their "wedding". They put their family under a lot of financial pressure as well as emotional pressure to attend. Surely, if you get married abroad, you expect that people may not attend because it is costing too much and they can't afford it. Most people I know are just about able to make ends meet, without the added cost of a foreign holiday to attend someone else's wedding

PurpleDaisies · 21/04/2016 22:05

Posted too soon. The op doesn't want to spend a lot of money to visit a foreign country for less than 48 hours. I can't see anything wrong with that.

CodyKing · 21/04/2016 22:17

So you have to pay to go to a non wedding - but not the at home real wedding?

Is this really a new thing?? Weird

Original poster

Leslieknope45 · 21/04/2016 22:20

Beansmcready I think it would be really fun if I was even there for 2 nights or more but I'm not sure it really would be fun for about 24 hours in the actual country. I'm sure the time spent at the wedding would be lots of fun but I'm not certain it's outweighed by the stress of such a busy weekend!
Driving abroad also isn't fun! I've done it when I've lived abroad but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so in this country on my own, even if other people would.

I will send a lovely gift though! I think if it wasn't for the short time I would spend there and the fact I can't take time off work around it I would definitely go.

She has replied though to ask me to ask my headteacher for a day off. I might just pretend I've asked and she has said no!

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 21/04/2016 22:21

She has replied though to ask me to ask my headteacher for a day off. I might just pretend I've asked and she has said no!
No need to lie. Just tell her that's absolutely not how it works in teaching and she can confirm you're telling the truth with any other teacher in the whole country.

Pipbin · 21/04/2016 22:25

She has replied though to ask me to ask my headteacher for a day off. I might just pretend I've asked and she has said no!

Just tell her that you can't. You simply can't take time off. Why can she not understand that you simply cannot book leave. You don't have leave like other people do.

Tiggeryoubastard · 21/04/2016 22:25

So she wants you to spend all that money going to some crappy pretend wedding (wtf is that about? ) and you're not even invited to the wedding? I just can't get over the non wedding abroad. What a pathetic idea. Tell her to grow up and the to fuck off. Silly cow.

HappyFatty · 21/04/2016 22:30

I would be utterly blunt. i.e. "I'm really sorry but I am unable to financially afford the trip. I have discussed it with my husband and we are both agreed that taking such an exhausting whirlwind trip during term time could be detrimental to my mental health. You are such a good friend I know you wouldn't want that for me, of course I'll be thinking of you and your future husband on all of your special days." If she still gets shitty I would think that tells you how much you mean to her. Also from my experience people that are extremely helpful at weddings without being asked usually do so because they want to be so for their own reasons rather than because they're thinking of the brides special day ... Good look and stand firm xxx

Original poster

Leslieknope45 · 21/04/2016 22:30

I love mn. Gives me the back bone I don't have!

OP posts:

Pipbin · 21/04/2016 22:34

Not only does she not understand that teachers just can't take time off when they fancy but also you need to be ready to go Monday morning.
Not just in the sense of having your resources etc ready but you need to be mentally ready. You can't just phone it in for a day like you can in some jobs.

PigletJohn · 21/04/2016 22:39

It's not even a wedding.

It's a pre-wedding weekend away/house party without partners.

Sort of a hen outing.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 21/04/2016 22:43

She's bonkers!

ZenNudist · 21/04/2016 22:53

Crazy, not as good a friend as you thought eh OP?

Yeah if if makes you feel better just tell her you asked and it's been denied. I wouldn't go all out on a gift as I doubt you'll be friends for much longer.

I once attended a fake wedding blessing abroad. I was on holiday there at same time as colleague got married so she very kindly invited dh and I. No one knew it wasn't the proper wedding and that they'd actually got married in their home town registry office the day before they flew out. The same town many many guests had just flown out of. Then it went round the wedding party as a whispered rumour.

I get why she did it (wanted the shindig abroad to be remembered as the actual wedding) but there were more than a few discontented muttering a from her extended family as we waited in the heat for ages for the bride to arrive.

Madhouse05 · 21/04/2016 23:08

Yanbu - I've been asked to do this twice. First time I wrote a nice letter explaining that it was just unfeasable and friend wrote back to say she was disappointed but totally understood. Second time (diff friend obvs) the guilt got me and I felt I had to go - it was an exceptionally expensive mistake and if I could go back I would def reverse the decision. Tbh I don't even think she realised (or even does now) how big an ask/deal it was for us and to this day I really don't think our presence made that much difference to her 'big' day. Also turned out that she'd had a 'private' uk wedding with family and one other of our good friends on the quiet - nearly 4 yrs later and I am still CROSS! DO NOT put you/your dh's/your family's needs below hers FULL STOP. Really fed up of totally selfish whatsits who put their 'big day' above everything else. When I got married all I cared about was that DH turned up, looked me in the eyes and made those solemn promises to ME (it doesn't really f-ing matter who else hears 'em!!) Rant over, sorry!

MintyChops · 21/04/2016 23:11

YANBU but I get that it is awkward for you. Stand your ground!

LuckyTr33 · 21/04/2016 23:21

Due to the distance, cost and only 2 days there

I believe that you have the right to politely not attend

I would ask to see some photos and meet up at a later date for a coffee or a meal together

MissTurnstiles · 21/04/2016 23:29

Also worth pointing out that if your HT did grant permission for leave, it would be unpaid - so the trip would have the further cost of one or two days' pay.

GeezAJammyPeece · 21/04/2016 23:41

Nope! YANBU; Bridezilla is however BVVVVU!!

I'm not even going to list all her unreasonableness because you already know them.
Decline, politely; send nice card & good wishes; gift if you like, end of matter.
Do not get dragged into responding to her ever more outlandish demands (they will only get more ridiculous as she tries to convince you that you can't miss THE Event of the century )

At the time of my sister's wedding, my DCs were both at school; one had important exams during that time. I work in a school so couldn't request leave. DP & I were invited, it was a No Kids wedding. Flights & accommodation alone would have been more than we would have paid for a family holiday for all 4 of us. We couldn't afford a foreign holiday that year as it was. And certainly wouldn't have swanned off without being able to give the kids a holiday too. Neither of my other two sisters (both with kids) went either. My mum did go, and had a wonderful time.

I felt bad missing my sister's big day but

Couldn't get time off
Wouldn't leave my kids at a particularly important time educationally
Didn't want to be in the situation where it then meant even less chance of a family holiday
Couldn't really afford it

In 3 out of 4 of those, you are in exactly the same position.
Save the money and you & DH can go off somewhere in the summer hols! (Send her a postcard)

BerylStreep · 21/04/2016 23:41

When I was getting married I honestly wouldn't have cared one way or another if friends were able to share our day. If they could - great! If they couldn't - no big deal, and in fact it meant less pressure on numbers.

I really don't understand weddings these days.

Madhouse05 · 22/04/2016 00:04

Hahaha - I'd forgotten the 'kids free' wedding invites!! Bride "oh, can you really really not come?", me "I'm due to give birth 2 wks before your wedding & you say no babies/young children welcome..... Go figure. TOTAL IDIOTS.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 22/04/2016 00:19

Don't lie. Ask your head teacher. But put it like this "I don't like to tell fibs and my ridiculous friend wants me to take school days off to travel abroad for a pretend wedding? Can I say I asked and you laughed and said I would be in serious trouble?"

PurpleDaisies · 22/04/2016 00:25

dont ask your head teacher-it really isn't an appropriate request for term time time off unless you have a very very unusual school. Realistically you know they'll say no.

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