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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unfair she's annoyed (wedding- sorry, I know)

85 replies

Leslieknope45 · 21/04/2016 20:24

So a good friend of mine is getting married in November. Back story, she came to my wedding and was brilliant and great fun and made a real fuss of me. I am going to her hen do in August.

So she is getting married abroad. My husband isn't invited (they aren't inviting any plus ones).

It's a four day event but I am a teacher so I couldn't get time off so I would have to just go Saturday to Sunday. There aren't any flights to the nearest airport so I would have to hire a car, which I am slightly nervous about. I would land at midday and then have to get to the wedding, then get up early to fly back the next day.

We have to pay to stay in the house they have rented out and the flights are quite expensive. It would be a bit of a stretch for me to afford and would definitely mean that my husband and I wouldn't be able to go on holiday this year.

I have said I'm sorry but I won't be able to come. She is now seriously annoyed at me.

They aren't even actually getting married abroad- they get married when they come back to the UK at a family only event, so I suggested I come to that instead but that was a terrible suggestion! I just don't think it's doable and if I could take a day's leave on the Friday or Monday I would definitely be more likely to go, or even a half day, but a wedding abroad for one night seems ridiculous to me. AIBU or should I put myself out for a good friend like she did for my wedding?

OP posts:
Esspee · 21/04/2016 20:55

You have not been invited to her wedding, that is going to be in the U.K. Frankly I think it a weird setup and totally unreasonable for your husband to be excluded from whatever the foreign event is supposed to be.
I would write explaining that unfortunately you cannot get the time off, would be uncomfortable being without your husband and that the expense is unaffordable at the present time.

Original poster
Leslieknope45 · 21/04/2016 20:57

I think there's a pool party on one of the days. There is a wedding ceremony on the day I could actually be there.
You're all right of course. It's too much of an ask to expect me to go and it's not unreasonable that I can't be there. So awkward though!

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 21/04/2016 20:58

Yanbu.

I got married abroad but paid for everybody's flights and accommodation - 24 people -I am on a nurses wage but tbh it cost no more than an average wedding this country.

She is being unreasonable.

AttitcusFinchIsMyFather · 21/04/2016 21:00

So she basically wants you to go on holiday to watch a practice wedding, for one day. Bollocks to that.

BertPuttocks · 21/04/2016 21:00

She hasn't invited you to the actual wedding, so she's essentially just inviting you on a very expensive holiday on dates that you can't get time off work for.

YANBU.

Charley50 · 21/04/2016 21:02

At least if your DH (and other's OHs) were invited you could think of it as a wedding/ holiday and it might have and something to look forward to together, but with your own lived not with you it just sounds like a chore. I'd actually say to her you find it a bit weird that at a wedding, people with partners are expected to go alone.

RaeSkywalker · 21/04/2016 21:03

She can't invite a teacher to a wedding that requires week day travel and then be surprised you can't make it! YANBU OP.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/04/2016 21:03

She hasn't thought this through at all, has she? She is BVVVVU to have the hump with you when clearly she just didn't think that there might be a problem with you getting time off and now it's too late.

Original poster
Leslieknope45 · 21/04/2016 21:14

I just think she didn't understand that teachers can't take days off! I did try to tell her months ago that if it was outside school holidays it would be unlikely, as you can't have 13 weeks off a year and still ask for more...
Have contacted her again to say I'm sorry she's disappointed and I am also disappointed to miss her special occasion, and I would be more than happy to come to her uk wedding service (and bugger off after the ceremony if she just wants family to celebrate with) but that I really can't afford it for less than 24 hours and I'm sure she understands.

I'm sure she doesn't understand but oh well!

OP posts:
ecuse · 21/04/2016 21:16

But.... It's not even actually her wedding?

maggiethemagpie · 21/04/2016 21:17

I can't believe she's asking you to do all that and NOT inviting your husband. What a prize twat.

AlpacaLypse · 21/04/2016 21:21

Surely everyone knows teachers just cannot take time off for holidays in term time? The only times my teaching professional friends and family have ever not gone to work are when they are ill or for bereavement.

FlyingScotsman · 21/04/2016 21:28

TBH, she should kake realised that being a teacher there is no way you could have taken some time out.

Spending that amount of money for 2 half days isn't worth it.

That's what happens whe you get married abroad. I know I did (Married in the UK but my family is in another country).
It never crossed my mind to be upset at anyone who said 'Sorry can't make it but I wish you all the best'

BillSykesDog · 21/04/2016 21:36

That's really rude. Not inviting spouses is incredibly rude. I could perhaps understand if she was forking out for the accommodation and flights, but when she's expecting you to pay and then saying no plus ones she can piss off.

She's emotionally blackmailing you. I suspect the situation is that she's had a lot of declines hence the tantrum.

I had a 'fake wedding' (well it was a religious one, after a civil one here) but that was done in my husband's home country so that his family didn't have to shell out loads to come here! And we didn't exclude UK based people from the overseas wedding and tell them they had to fork out to go to that! YADNBU

EweAreHere · 21/04/2016 21:37

YANBU.

She is.

Send your regrets. If she's truly your friend, she'll accept them gracefully.

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2016 21:41

Oh she's not that woman on here who was like that, is she? She'd had a wedding here but was having another one abroad and couldn't understand why people wouldn't come.

Your friend has an absolute nerve to come to your wedding then not to invite your husband now. Why would she do that? And of course you can't take time off work - surely she'd know that? Just say you're not going - she's losing control of herself.

Janeymoo50 · 21/04/2016 21:44

Utter madness. I feel a bit guilty some of my guests are paying £79 for a Premier Inn for one night! Do people think wedding guests are made of money!!

weirdsister · 21/04/2016 21:45

Presumably you'll also have a load of planning/marking to do over the weekend and will end up swamped.

ENormaSnob · 21/04/2016 21:47

She is an utter cock.

Lweji · 21/04/2016 21:50

It looks like she is not such a good friend.

Pipbin · 21/04/2016 21:52

I got married abroad. I made it an open invitation and anyone who wanted to turn up was welcome. Two of DH's siblings didn't come. We knew that was the deal.

She is being very self absorbed. Why should you have to spend so much money to see her pretend to get married?

Lindy2 · 21/04/2016 21:53

I wouldn't go abroad on my own for an event like that. I doubt you are the only one declining.

BabyBuzz · 21/04/2016 21:55

Is the wedding on in MAUI Grin
If so, you are definitely being unreasonable because who wouldn't want to go to Maui? Grin And we would want a live running commentary throughout for our own entertainment.

Sorry, I couldn't resist! Yadnbu, it is ridiculous for the bride to get annoyed at people who don't want to put their family under such a huge financial strain for someone else's wedding

Lweji · 21/04/2016 21:59

it is ridiculous for the bride to get annoyed at people who don't want to put their family under such a huge financial strain for someone else's wedding

In fact, for someone else's non-wedding!

LumelaMme · 21/04/2016 21:59

YANBU.
It's not fair to expect someone to take a day's leave and then sulk when they say they can't.
It's not fair to expect someone to shell out a small fortune and then sulk when they say they can't afford it.
It's not fair not to invite someone's spouse, and then sulk when they say they'd rather not come.

I don't what's happened to weddings over the last 20 years. It's stopped being about getting married, and become some huge elaborate palaver with elements of power play and control freakery.

We went to half a dozen weddings the year we got married. Only one was abroad, where the couple was living and has lived ever since, so we made that our annual holiday. Had they all been four-day fiestas overseas, we'd have missed most of them.