AIBU to be this upset about OH being so messy?

[MaximumHoldMousse]

I'm so frustrated by the mess my other half makes and I can actually see this causing the end of our relationship, as ridiculous as this sounds. I'm not the tidiest person by any stretch of the imagination but the amount of mess he makes, and then doesn't tidy up for days (if at all) is really getting me down. Our house is constantly messy, he never does anything without me asking him. I honestly think we might split up because of this. Has this happened to anyone else?

Need more info I think? Do you live together? Can you give some examples?

It is not ridiculous.

When he creates a mess and leaves it there, he is giving you 3 options. Each one is a variety of "fuck you, mousse"

1. Clean up my shit for me. I am above you.

1. Live in my shit until I choose to let you not live in my shit (or you go for option 1).

1. Nag me. Be the naggy wife until I do option 2. Go on, be the naggy old witch you never want to be.

Failure to tidy up or clean is an act of aggression because you leave the other person with only the 3 hideous options above.

I sympathise with you op I really do. I have the same problem. However, I dont agree with it being an act of aggression, some people really dont see the mess and it will not even enter their head to clean it until its pointed out to them. Its not a case of " I know I should pick that up but I dont give a stuff what dp thinks."

Try to find some creative solutions. My dp smokes roll ups and the biggest problem was the trail of tobacco and ash he left everywhere. I bought him a tray and now hes only allowed to roll on that. We have multiple laundry baskets around the house without tops because apparently lifting them to put dirty clothes is too much trouble. We also have a big plastic box of crap that random things he leaves round the house get thrown into.

I also have a childish method of dealing with huge messes such as crumbs and food over my desk or drawers emptied and left out. I collect it all and put it in his shoes/bag/coat pockets

I wouldnt recommend that method if it could piss of your dp though, mine finds it hilarious

OP, I think the daily stuff is really vital in relationships. I haven't been in your shoes but I've no tolerance for someone who won't do domestics - I don't have crazy high standards but I know I wouldn't put up with this.

It is often is the daily grind that breaks up relationships, let's face it!

I don't agree Runrun there is option 4 which is 'this is how i like to live and why should your desire/standard for tidiness be the 'right' way to live and my way be the wrong way?'

I have a messy DH and that's how he likes to live. At the beginning there was lots of nagging and arguing till he basically said this was how he was and was never going to change. Why did my yes trump his no? It was half his house too etc. So we had to make decisions and compromises if we were to stay together. Otherwise we would both be miserable forever.

I would say if you can't live with it end it. People don't really change that much. If you think it's worth more try to come up with compromises that you can both live with.

My DH never tidies up ever. He's also a hoarder, though better than he used to be. His biggest problem is leaving bags of stuff about the house which he keeps meaning to sort out.
I went through a phase of getting really worked up about it. Then a phase of just secretly binning things that had been lingering on the floor for ages.
Now I just do the tidying because I want a nice house. I don't care who made the mess any more. I don't expect him to do anything. And it's made me a much happier person. (I should say I never do any cooking so there is our trade off).

And any bags of random stuff left in the house are dealt with within a couple of days eg stuff put in the cupboards/ used/ thrown away, and DH knows this now so there are fewer confrontations

I totally agree with MrsKoala above

I think you can overcome it with communication and compromise but only if he's willing to buck his ideas up and you're willing to let a few things go.

Yes we live together with 2 kids. Example: if he has the youngest in the day (he works FT but funny hours so to have on childcare he has DD some weekdays) when I get in from work the house will be like a bomb's hit it. Toys everywhere, food everywhere, plates all over the kitchen. He wouldn't dream of putting on a load of laundry or washing up when DD is napping. It won't be done unless I make a really big fuss and I can't always be arsed to do this because I work v long hours in a busy job! So it'll be me tidying up the next day; and eating into my time spent with DD

I do feel that I nag him about this so much! And I hate myself for doing this! I used to to his laundry but I stopped doing that ages ago.
He says he can relax with the mess around him but I really can't - so we won't watch TV of an evening... he will and I'll be tidying up/cleaning :(

My DH likes mess. He says he can't relax in a clean and tidy place where he's not surrounded by his clutter possessions. I go out with the DC for 2 hours each weekend and he will maybe have filled the dishwasher in that time. If he goes out for that long I blitz the place!

I don't believe it is generally true that messy people find the absence of mess unpleasant. No-one goes into the kitchen and is revolted to find the surfaces not covered in crumbs and water. No-one feels uncomfortable going to bed in a room because there are no dirty clothes on the floor. No-one is distressed because the carpet has been recently vacuumed and lacks debris. No-one dislikes shitting in a toilet because they weren't greeted by the sight of someone else's shit-splatter when they entered.

In short, the idea that some people positively like mess is just bollocks. Maybe 1% of the time there's an argument for a small amount of clutter, but 99% of the time it is bollocks. (So, I believe those who say they feel uncomfortable in a too clean/tidy place, but at the same time, you could get rid of 95% of the mess without inducing nausea because they don't need every room to be a complete wreck all the time.)

The reason some people are untidy is because they don't suffer from the mess enough to make it worth tidying. Mess is neutral for them, not positive.

If mess were positive for them and negative for the tidy person, then their positions would be equal, and you could say why your way, rather than mine. But that's not the case, it's neutral that's opposed to negative, therefore the the tidy person is right.

My DH is messy too and also a hoarder. His man-cave study is a danger zone and has to be seen to be believed. It is fine as long as it doesn't start encroaching into the rest of the house. If it does then I act.

I am of the secretly and unobtrusively bin it persuasion and he almost never notices.

People are messy because they are lazy. They lack a sense of responsibility.
Both my DP and I are tidy but he is much tidier than I am.
If you live alone then its ok to be as messy as you like, but if you share a home with someone else it is plain ignorant to expect the other person to tolerate it or tidy up mess that you make.
When you are at opposite ends of the scale I think you have to compromise.One has to relax a bit and the other has to be less messy,
If you can't compromise...you should not really be together because it means one is happy at the expense of the other.

I think there does have to be compromise when two people differ on housework/standards, but that doesn't mean the tidier person's needs/desires are more important

So long as the place is hygienic and there aren't dust bunnies in every corner, crumbs on all the surfaces and piles of dirty clothes everywhere, I think a lot of it is preference.

DP and I have different standards. I would rather do things as they need doing so that I can spend my days off relaxing completely (no DC). DP would rather relax after work and do his chores on the weekend. So, I've learnt to either a) do things as they need doing, or b) let things go in the knowledge that DP will do them, just not necessarily straight away. The flat won't implode in a heap of filth if clothes are left on the airer for a couple of days, or if there are a few mugs in the sink.

It entirely depends on whether your DP just refuses to do any housework (problem) or whether he just does it on a different timetable to you. Only you know whether his habits are tolerable and something you can compromise on, or whether they're a dealbreaker.

They might be neutral about mess (altho dh like his stuff all over the floor because he says he can find it. He doesn't see the point of putting things away that just have to be removed again when needed) but they can be negative about cleaning. In that they hate doing it and would way rather live in mess than clean or tidy up. To other people mess bothers them enough that cleaning and tidying makes sense and life more pleasant. But if cleaning makes no difference to your life it does just seem like a total waste of time.

DH does no tidying or cleaning and never will. That's his position. When i met him he hadn't cleaned his bathroom for the 2 years he had lived there. He had no cleaning products at all in the flat.

You still married him? Wow.

As Judge Judy says there's a lid for every pot! There was enough reasons for this to not be a deal breaker. But if there wasn't then i wouldn't have. It's something i would advise people to consider carefully because there are days when it drives me mad.

I think I admire you more than I think you are mad MrsKoala

I agree with the approach of a previous poster: I just do all the tidying.

My DP says I am too tidy and why can't he leave things lying about? I actually can see his point - a bit of mess never killed anyone and life is too short to get worked up about it. It's just ME that wants things tidy so I do it quite willingly. It means the house is tidy, no one gets nagged and life is calm.

I couldn't live with a scruffy, dirty, lazy bastard. There's nothing more unattractive than a man who is a slob!

Seperate houses OP? He can be lazy all he wants then.

This is SO true in my and my OH's case. One of the reasons i hate mess (although i am messy!) is because I have various neuro conditions and have extremely poor short term memory, so if I put down the car keys for example, it is always really hard to find them and causes me so much stress. With OH though, he will remember that the car keys are on the table, next to a big pile of plates, and there is papers on top of them. I think that's another reason why I'm so upset really... it impacts me negatively more that it impacts him positively.

So, youre not putting the car keys away where they live then? Seems like that would be an easier solution.

I totally agree with the car keys maximum. I have a key rack in an unobtrusive place in the hall. We both put keys on the hook as we come through the door ( not visible or reachable from the letterbox) it makes life so much easier.

We do have a hook for the keys which I normally use but that was really just an example of how he is able to manage in mess better than me, because his memory is better than mine!