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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be angry, and even a little bewildered on how to tackle this with the school?

545 replies

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 16:04

DS has SN.. he has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.... it makes for some very complex needs, a big one of which he CANNOT process emotion or self regulate and will go into a meltdown very suddenly.

One of the outcomes of him getting upset and frustrated and having a meltdown is that he lashes out during them, and can hurt the people near him. The school are aware of this, there are strategies in place to help him try to manage his feelings.

One of these strategies is the provision and freedom to go to a room called the Calm room, which is painted with calming colours and has cushions and bean bags...etc.

There was an incident today. Ds isnt having a good week and there is a piece of work he is flat refusing to do, and they keep trying to make him. Today they tried again and he began to get upset. The Learning Mentor tried to get him to go to her classroom to calm down, but his auditory processing issues meant he didn't understand and he thought she was going to try and make him do this work, and he lashed out.

He has been suspended, which i nominally support, even if i'm not happy, as in my eyes they're punishing him for part of his disability..

However, i asked DS why if he was getting angry, didn't he ask to use the Calm room (its right opposite his classroom) and he told me he wasnt allowed in there because some of the yr6 girls were using it as a PE changing room.

WTF?!?!

Now.. i appreciate at 10/11yo the girls may not wish to change in the classroom with the boys, and an alternative should be provided... but WHY THE FUCK are the school letting them use THE CALM ROOM which is there for children like my son to use as and when they need it?

I am so fucking angry... we spent AGES getting it through to him that he could remove himself from a situation and go to that room if he felt the need to help prevent him going into meltdown, and now, he has to check if its being used as a fucking changing room and isn't allowed in there if the girls belongings are... and has now ended up having a violent meltdown and hit a teacher and got suspended.

I just don't know how to tackle this or even where to start.

OP posts:
Truffle40 · 20/04/2016 18:20

This reply has been deleted

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sleeponeday · 20/04/2016 18:21

Any post on this thread that has a different opinion is deleted. So much for free speech.

You know, Truffle, if posts saying disabled children could stop being disabled if their parents just tried harder, and why should non-disabled children not have all the money specifically dedicated to SEN spent on them instead, are deleted... perhaps you could engage whatever substance exists between your ears, and reflect on why?

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 18:21

Truffle, the yr6 girls not having an alternative changing room is NOT my Ds's problem, its the schools.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 20/04/2016 18:22

Truffle, do you think the other children would like to have the ds' ASD and the extreme anxiety which is part of it?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2016 18:23

truffle

Usually on these threads it's because the post is disablist or could constitute a hate crime.

I'm guessing your concern about tax payers money being spent on a disability adaptation because the poor girls shouldn't have to change in the girls bathroom it's that.

corythatwas · 20/04/2016 18:23

I only ever heard people envy dd her wheelchair as a kind of (not very funny) joke- but that is essentially what you are doing, Truffle.

Narp · 20/04/2016 18:24

Truffle40

NT children in mainstream schools get plenty of cushion, beanbags, paint and places to change. Don't worry

Original poster
MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 18:24

mm.. i'm sure they would cory!

OP posts:
corythatwas · 20/04/2016 18:26

I am now sincerely hoping that Truffle is Igottwo's sock puppet and that both of them hide the identity of dd's old HT. Otherwise that makes three of them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2016 18:27

cory one of my kids goes to a specialist centre that has a very high staff ratio and occasionally does decent activities, you would be surprised at how many other adults complain and come out with rubbish like "why can't my kid have that wahhhhh it's unfair"

I'm not sure if they think their perfectly able children actually need 3 people to manage them or if they just fancy it

hazeyjane · 20/04/2016 18:28

Gosh those 2 opinions are eye openers.

Fortunately the majority see sense.

Op - yadnbu.

Oh and I think it is good that threads like these are on the main boards - the occasional A-hat comes out, but discussions about disability shouldn't just be in the confines of the SN boards

bialystockandbloom · 20/04/2016 18:29

Truffle yes it's amazing what perks you get when you have a disability Hmm

would you also resent the cost of installing eg a lift for a pupil in a wheelchair?

Seriously, do some thinking before spouting such drivel.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 20/04/2016 18:29

Good evening everyone.
We have been trying to deal with this piecemeal to let the conversation flow but we can see that it is not working, and we apologise for any upset. We know that this has been posted on AIBU rather than the SN board (we will of course move the thread if that is requested) but if it remains on the general site would ask that posters bear in mind the lessons of the This is My Child Campaign and would remind everyone that Mumsnet is primarily a place of peer to peer support.

GrimmauldPlace · 20/04/2016 18:30

That doesn't mean i dont feel the need to tackle the failures of implementing the strategies that are supposed to be in place to prevent this

You sound very calm and measured when you speak about the school. You are obviously going to feel emotional about the situation and want to rant about it and that's completely understandable. The part of your post I've highlighted sounds like the right thing to be concentrating on. Whilst you understand the schools position and you are willing to work with them in whatever way you can, when your DS is in school all you can do is trust that they'll stick to the agreed arrangements.

sleeponeday · 20/04/2016 18:44

When my mum saw this, which was made by the National Autistic Society to show the sensory overload someone autistic may feel, she cried, because it's how my son can behave in a shopping centre and she'd never understood why until then. We'd told her he just couldn't cope, but at some level she never really got it before. And while we don't know (and never will) if it's how he sees the world, as autism is so many things and manifests itself so differently with different people, it's certainly how stressful he finds the world. So I am linking, in the hope that someone who thinks as the deleted posts do will take the time to watch, and consider... and wonder what they would rather: their child coped with that on a daily basis and had access to a quiet room, or had normal provision, because that was all they actually needed?

It's unfathomable that people can resent such a basic, simple adjustment. Try to understand. Try to educate yourself. Please, try to think.

LyndaNotLinda · 20/04/2016 18:46

How does one teach a child experiencing sensory overload to just let it roll over them? Seriously, I'd like to know. Because none of the professionals involved in DS's life have managed it.

Some of you should write a book! Hmm

Disabrie22 · 20/04/2016 18:52

Hi OP, I totally sympathise from a different perspective - I am a SEN TA and have supported many different children who have Autism. Oh the raging frustration I used to feel when time and time again the designated space was not available - cue huge meltdowns for the child involved as they were unable to cope with the change - and for me if often meant I was hit, kicked or had objects thrown at me as result - all of which could have been avoided or at least the aggression would have been minimised.
I honestly feel that ASD can be really helped by an environment that really supports that lack of overstimulation - especially schools that have a specially created base for children to move in and out of when it suits.

hazeyjane · 20/04/2016 18:57

Gosh that video made me cry. My nearly 6 yrar old ds hasn't got a diagnosis of autism, but when we are out he often puts his coat over his head, needs ear defenders or just gets overwhelmed by the noise and smells and crush of people.

We are having to fight for his place in a resource base tomorrow, as he is cognitively able enough to be in ms. SN provision is all over the place at the moment. It is no good to talk about inclusion and then resent the very things that enable children with additional needs to be able to access mainstream school.

Bookeatingboy · 20/04/2016 18:58

My son has some of the conditions that the OP's ds has.

I'm very pleased to say that his 8 year old brother is more capable of displaying empathy and understanding towards a child with disabilities than some grown adults on the thread.

I'm actually relieved that you don't have children with a disability because that would be a disaster for your children with attitudes like that.

MangoMoon · 20/04/2016 18:58

YANBU.
I hope this gets moved to SN just for your own sanity and peace of mind Maddy, and where people can give you proper advice (I'm sorry, I have none).

It's good for threads like this to be in the busiest places like AIBU so that people who don't have much experience of these things can have their eyes opened to other people's daily reality, but not when it's at the expense of people's feelings.

ThanksWineBrewCakeChocolate
For OP & everyone else who has to fight for their child's wellbeing on a daily basis.

Truffle40 · 20/04/2016 18:59

Don't threaten me just because you feel threatened by someone who thinks a group of girls have a right to use that room occasionally. Are there other Special needs children in the school? Can they use the room?

Truffle40 · 20/04/2016 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hazeyjane · 20/04/2016 19:03

No one has threatened you, Truffle.

It matters notbone jot whether other children can use the room (and the op has stated it benefits other children)

A reasonable adjustment is something that enables a child to access education - that might be a ramp, a disabled toilet, an iPad in the classroom, a calm down room or any number of adjustments. Does resenting something that enables a child to access education make you feel proud?!

MangoMoon · 20/04/2016 19:04

Who's threatened you Truffle?

Maybe it's time to take your tinfoil hat off?

IsItMeOr · 20/04/2016 19:05

Confused who threatened you Truffle?

What does it matter if whether or not anybody else can use the room? If an adapted toilet was needed for a single child, it would still be essential. This is like that.

At risk of elevating your blood pressure, DS has a large cupboard in his classroom allocated for his sole use. And his own special work space, as well as a space at one of the group tables. And yes, there is at least one other children with special educational needs in his class. I guess if they have a need for a quiet space it is met in another way, but I wouldn't know about that, because it is completely inappropriate for anybody else to know about an individual child's needs (I only know what their mum tells me).