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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry, and even a little bewildered on how to tackle this with the school?

545 replies

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 16:04

DS has SN.. he has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.... it makes for some very complex needs, a big one of which he CANNOT process emotion or self regulate and will go into a meltdown very suddenly.

One of the outcomes of him getting upset and frustrated and having a meltdown is that he lashes out during them, and can hurt the people near him. The school are aware of this, there are strategies in place to help him try to manage his feelings.

One of these strategies is the provision and freedom to go to a room called the Calm room, which is painted with calming colours and has cushions and bean bags...etc.

There was an incident today. Ds isnt having a good week and there is a piece of work he is flat refusing to do, and they keep trying to make him. Today they tried again and he began to get upset. The Learning Mentor tried to get him to go to her classroom to calm down, but his auditory processing issues meant he didn't understand and he thought she was going to try and make him do this work, and he lashed out.

He has been suspended, which i nominally support, even if i'm not happy, as in my eyes they're punishing him for part of his disability..

However, i asked DS why if he was getting angry, didn't he ask to use the Calm room (its right opposite his classroom) and he told me he wasnt allowed in there because some of the yr6 girls were using it as a PE changing room.

WTF?!?!

Now.. i appreciate at 10/11yo the girls may not wish to change in the classroom with the boys, and an alternative should be provided... but WHY THE FUCK are the school letting them use THE CALM ROOM which is there for children like my son to use as and when they need it?

I am so fucking angry... we spent AGES getting it through to him that he could remove himself from a situation and go to that room if he felt the need to help prevent him going into meltdown, and now, he has to check if its being used as a fucking changing room and isn't allowed in there if the girls belongings are... and has now ended up having a violent meltdown and hit a teacher and got suspended.

I just don't know how to tackle this or even where to start.

OP posts:

MiffleTheIntrovert · 20/04/2016 17:13

Igottwo are you new to MN, or a Name changer?

Op don't let ignorant post/ers such as these derail your thread. I wouldn't even engage tbh.

Maybe get this moved to SN?

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/04/2016 17:13

For goodness sake, Igottwo, just STOP. You are showing absolutely massive depths of ignorance. Telling a child with ASD that he must just learn to stop having meltdowns really is on the same level as telling a child in a wheelchair that he must just learn to walk.

RatherBeRiding · 20/04/2016 17:13

Also reported Igottwo's post. Ignorant, disablist drivel.

The school needs to work harder to meet the needs of all pupils.

Narp · 20/04/2016 17:13

igottwo

you are quite right. there are, sadly, all too many clueless people.

can you perhaps read what people who have a clue have to say?

corythatwas · 20/04/2016 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 17:14

The school have a clue, but they are new to this and his needs, and all of this provision has been put in place since the new HT arrived 2 years ago, at the same time as the new SENCo, because these things need to be provided by the school because of the inclusion and disability discrimination laws.

They have the right idea, but they don't always get it right.. this is one of those times.

OP posts:

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/04/2016 17:14

My goodness, cory, words fail me. I hope you told your child's teachers to go off and look at the Equality Act?

GrimmauldPlace · 20/04/2016 17:14

Maddy my DS has the same diagnosis' as your DS. YANBU in the slightest.

Igottwo your post is ignorant at best and bloody offensive at worst. Do some research, try living with a SN child and see if your attitude changes. The school put in to place an action plan for when op's DS can't cope. They then changed this plan and made things worse. They are in the wrong 100%.

MiffleTheIntrovert · 20/04/2016 17:14

Please don't let knobs like this derail a thread which should be about support and help not condemnation and ignorance.

JustPoppingIn · 20/04/2016 17:15

YANBU -

Narp · 20/04/2016 17:15

Maddy

I think a calm reiteration of why he can't adapt to that is in order then. There must be somewhere else for the girls to change

SqueegyBeckinheim · 20/04/2016 17:15

The y6 girls needing a place to change is an entirely separate matter to the provision of the calm room. Both are clearly needed, but one need does not trump the other, and as the calm room has been provided for the use of the ops son to prevent a melt down, it stands to reason it bloody well should be free for him to use.

I'd be angry too in the ops position, as her son is now excluded because the school didn't provide something he needed.

Original poster

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 17:16

Maybe Igottwo likes to tell people with Epilepsy to stop having fits? Or maybe asthmatics should stop having asthma attacks? Diabetics should just learn to control those sugar hypos!

We would ALL be so much better if we just stopped being disabled!

OP posts:

AliceInUnderpants · 20/04/2016 17:16

Have also reported the GF

OP YANBU. If your son has been told he can use the room whenever he needs to, they need to make sure it is available. If they want to use the room at times for other reasons, they need to find a way to explain and have him understand that this may happen. If they'd done that in the first place, and the mentor had calming explained to him that the room was unavailable but her/his office was open for his use at that time, then this situation would likely never have happened.

YWNBU to have strong words with whoever is in charge of this, and suggest his suspension is lifted.

Igottwo · 20/04/2016 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pengweng · 20/04/2016 17:17

I'm sorry your son had to deal with that. It must have been really hard for him to have that space taken away from him.
I suggest speaking to his teacher and the senco and seeing what happened and how they will ensure it doesn't happen again. If they are aware of his additional needs and have a care plan in place it makes no sense to penalise him when they then take this away. HUGS x

donadumaurier · 20/04/2016 17:18

mrsmain absolutely, I agree with that. I think the issue here is the school need to decide what the room is primarily for. If the room is primarily for SEN children, they need to come up with an alternative changing arrangement for the year 6 girls which isn't the calm room. If the school have decided they want to use the room for all children who need a secluded place, including year 6 girls getting changed for PE, then they need to make clear to the SEN children who use the room that on Wednesday afternoons they go to the learning support teacher's classroom instead. I too would argue that relocating the year 6 girls is the more sensible alternative here, I've worked with children with autism so I do appreciate what it's like. What I tried to communicate in my post is that too many primary schools see the girls toilets as a suitable solution for year 6 girls when they really, really shouldn't. If I came across as pushing aside the needs of SEN children for them, then I apologise, that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to make the point that the whole PE changing thing can be hugely traumatic if periods start early and schools do need to make allowances, but I agree that the school in this instance could and should have gone about it better.

andintothefire · 20/04/2016 17:18

OP - the school (or whoever made that decision) probably just didn't think. It is very silly of them and it sounds as though they handled it really badly with your son. It is stressful enough for him having to deal with things without being told that he can't use the calm room, even temporarily. I would definitely raise it with them, but try to do so in a measured way. It seems unfair that he is being punished when he simply didn't have his normal means of coping with the situation.

I am sure you are well aware of the difficulties your son will face and the last thing you need is for posters who don't understand the situation to criticise you. I am so glad to hear that the school has in the past at least done all it can to make things easier for your son. It is so important that he is given support and coping mechanisms to keep him in main school education and to reduce his stress.

Narp · 20/04/2016 17:19

Alice

Yes.

miraclebabyplease · 20/04/2016 17:20

Igottwo you need to back off. The calm room has been provided while the boy works on his emotional intelligence. This will an ongoing target for him as it has been identified as a barrier to his learning. He cannot yet be asked to regulate that. Being given a safe place to go is a normal step in the whole process. The school needs to widen the range of safe places for him to go.

cricketballs · 20/04/2016 17:20

I know I'm going to get flammed but there are aspects of Igottwo's post that the op does need to think about.

DS2 is ASD and MLD and as his parents our main priorities is to enable him to live in a 'mainstream' society

Whilst I'm not going to comment on the rights/wrongs of the school I do think that what Igottow said needs thinking about it was though clumsily said

OneInEight · 20/04/2016 17:20

From bitter experience it is counter productive to exclude a child with an ASD for behaviour during a meltdown because it increases their anxiety levels and hence the likelihood of another meltdown when they return to school. If you want to stop the meltdowns the school has to be consistent with strategies to reduce anxiety like keep the calm down room available for use when needed.

corythatwas · 20/04/2016 17:20

Augusta, this was the HT who refused to allow me to refer to dd as disabled because she wasn't "registered disabled". He wouldn't believe me when I tried to explain that there is no such thing as a national register of all disabled people (dd didn't have a blue badge because we didn't have a car).

And the same man who, when the consultant wrote and explained about her frequent medical absences came out with the immortal lines "We do realise that Corydd is ill, Mrs Cory. But you can't expect us to be happy about it".

He retired before we could sue and it seemed unfair to dump it all on his successor- who actually did a lot to help.

Have you ever been a HT in a S/E primary school, Igottwo? I should hate to think there were two of you around.

Lookingagain · 20/04/2016 17:21

OP, I am wondering what the school's general attitude is? Is this typical for them, or just unfortunate?

It sounds like the school has more needs than resources and is struggling to juggle. Do you get the feeling that they think of themselves as hard done by to have your son there? Are they hinting that he would be better off somewhere else that could "better accommodate his needs" than them? I don't have DC with special needs, but this is what would be worrying me.

Narp · 20/04/2016 17:21

dnadumaurier

I our school, Y5 and Y6 boys and girls alternately change in the toilets or in the classroom.

Its just not a problem, AFAIK

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