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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry, and even a little bewildered on how to tackle this with the school?

545 replies

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 16:04

DS has SN.. he has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.... it makes for some very complex needs, a big one of which he CANNOT process emotion or self regulate and will go into a meltdown very suddenly.

One of the outcomes of him getting upset and frustrated and having a meltdown is that he lashes out during them, and can hurt the people near him. The school are aware of this, there are strategies in place to help him try to manage his feelings.

One of these strategies is the provision and freedom to go to a room called the Calm room, which is painted with calming colours and has cushions and bean bags...etc.

There was an incident today. Ds isnt having a good week and there is a piece of work he is flat refusing to do, and they keep trying to make him. Today they tried again and he began to get upset. The Learning Mentor tried to get him to go to her classroom to calm down, but his auditory processing issues meant he didn't understand and he thought she was going to try and make him do this work, and he lashed out.

He has been suspended, which i nominally support, even if i'm not happy, as in my eyes they're punishing him for part of his disability..

However, i asked DS why if he was getting angry, didn't he ask to use the Calm room (its right opposite his classroom) and he told me he wasnt allowed in there because some of the yr6 girls were using it as a PE changing room.

WTF?!?!

Now.. i appreciate at 10/11yo the girls may not wish to change in the classroom with the boys, and an alternative should be provided... but WHY THE FUCK are the school letting them use THE CALM ROOM which is there for children like my son to use as and when they need it?

I am so fucking angry... we spent AGES getting it through to him that he could remove himself from a situation and go to that room if he felt the need to help prevent him going into meltdown, and now, he has to check if its being used as a fucking changing room and isn't allowed in there if the girls belongings are... and has now ended up having a violent meltdown and hit a teacher and got suspended.

I just don't know how to tackle this or even where to start.

OP posts:
IfLovingYouIsWrong · 21/04/2016 04:49

Regarding the suspension, he did hit a teacher. Perhaps time at home to calm down is for the best; avoiding the stress of arguing over the suspension doesn't seem to be a valuable use of time or effort.

I didn't see any of the deleted posts before they were removed. It does seem that anyone with a different opinion is banned for voicing it.

Isn't there an argument here that the OP is taking the whats yours is mine and what's mine is mine also approach to the school? I've no doubt the school would be delighted to have the funds for a beautiful new changing room(s), but they have to make do with what's available and that means a balance ie. sharing spaces and resources.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I suspect that your son gets a disproportionately larger percentage of the teacher's time than the other children. His own room too at the expense of all the children who could be changing in there. It seems unfair that he isn't allowed in there whilst the girls belongings are there as, I assume, he isn't left alone when he's so agitated but for the sake of the 10 minutes it takes to get changed into PE kit, it seems like a calculated 'gamble' to try to benefit the largest number of students.

totalrecall1 · 21/04/2016 05:40

I agree with the above. Ultimately he hit a teacher, whatever happens violence is not acceptable and action has to be taken as a result.

Narp · 21/04/2016 05:57

IfLoving

Hmm. You didn't see the deleted posts. really? It seems you haven't read any of the remaining posts either

honkinghaddock · 21/04/2016 06:07

This "calculated gamble" has left a child so distressed he has lashed out at a teacher and has led to his suspension. Doesn't sound well calculated to me.
The alternative to having children with sen in mainstream is to have them all in specialist provisions. My son's placement costs around £70000 a year. How much extra in taxes do those begrudging children with sen being in mainstream, want to pay? There are very few schools for children with sen but no/mild learning difficulties so how many millions will it cost to build all these schools? All because some people begrudge children using an ex cupboard to calm down in.

LyndaNotLinda · 21/04/2016 06:07

The deleted posts were disablist, not a 'different point of view'. City's posts stand as testimony to it being possible to have a different take on things, even if they are misguided and just plain wrong.

HTH

GrimmauldPlace · 21/04/2016 06:23

The deleted posts were disablist, not a 'different point of view'. City's posts stand as testimony to it being possible to have a different take on things, even if they are misguided and just plain wrong.

Just want to point out that my deleted posts were most definitely not disablist. Not sure why they were deleted, I certainly don't think I personally attacked anyone either. Don't want anyone reading this thread to think I was a twat!

OP I hope you are able to have a discussion with the school today and things get sorted quickly for your DS. We're in the summer term now and I still haven't managed to get the school to do what they're supposed to be doing. But that's another thread.
Good luck Flowers

herecomethepotatoes · 21/04/2016 06:28

Narp I don't know what the sarcastic 'really' (I assume that's what's indicated by the italics) is for. I did read the whole thread.

honking

This "calculated gamble" has left a child so distressed he has lashed out at a teacher and has led to his suspension. Doesn't sound well calculated to me

That's where the gamble comes into it. For every time this child assaults a teacher, there are likely to be many, many other times that other children benefit from using the space to quickly change in with no negative consequences whatsoever.

My son's placement costs around £70000 a year. How much extra in taxes do those begrudging children with sen being in mainstream, want to pay?

None. He is already getting more than 3 times the amount spent on him that another child would and that's before you account for the extra teaching time he no doubt needs. I'd challenge the word 'begrudging' though as it's not something I said.

All because some people begrudge children using an ex cupboard to calm down in

Or, because some people begrudge some girls briefly using it to get changed before PE when they think it should be their child's special room for them and them only. As I wrote in my first post, but it was ignored,

"Isn't there an argument here that the OP is taking the whats yours is mine and what's mine is mine also approach to the school? I've no doubt the school would be delighted to have the funds for a beautiful new changing room(s), but they have to make do with what's available and that means a balance ie. sharing spaces and resources. Correct me if I'm wrong but I suspect that your son gets a disproportionately larger percentage of the teacher's time than the other children."

Narp · 21/04/2016 06:29

MrsFizzy

Sometimes posts are deleted because they quote deleted posts Smile

Narp · 21/04/2016 06:30

Ifloving/herecomes

You know your Name Change shows up, right?

It doesn't change that what you say is nonsense

Lordy me

hazeyjane · 21/04/2016 06:35

Gob well and truly smacked.

This thread should be enshrined to see the attitudes that parents of children with disabilities and the children themselves have to put up with.

This is my child should be changed to I Fear For My Child.

herecomethepotatoes · 21/04/2016 06:37

I think I have a different name on my iPad and on my work computer. I have nothing to hide.

I think one of the differences between you and me is I put thought into my posts, I respect those with a different opinion and try to engage directly. You don't actually address other's ideas, just resort to "what you say is nonsense" and "Lordy me." Think about it.

honkinghaddock · 21/04/2016 06:37

herecomethepotatoes - Name change mid thread has been noticed.

GrimmauldPlace · 21/04/2016 06:37

Thanks Narp that's probably why then. I do love a quote Grin

Narp · 21/04/2016 06:39

hazeyjane

I have been hoping this is all sock puppetry and goading, but I am beginning to wonder. It's so depressing.

To compare the brief privation of children having to (at worst) changing in a toilet to the provision this autistic child is entitled to and needs make me wonder where people's hearts are.

OP - good luck.

I am going to leave this thread now because so many of you are articulating so well and I'm in danger of swearing at someone.

VilootShesCute · 21/04/2016 06:47

Reading your initial post op my blood was boiling. You obviously have a lot more grace and patience than me because I'd be on the phone to the school having a strop straight away. Best be calm and have it all written down before you discuss with them and I wish you luck. And send you these Flowers

LyndaNotLinda · 21/04/2016 06:50

I suspect your point about the OP begrudging sharing her child's Calm room with kids getting changed was ignored because it was a bit silly.

A calm space to decompress is pointless if a child doesn't know if it's going to be available or not. It just becomes another point of stress and anxiety then.

honkinghaddock · 21/04/2016 07:00

herecomethepotatoes - I'm not talking about my son needing extra money. I'm talking about the thousands extra it will cost for every child with sen to leave mainstream. I'm not bothered about my son needing more money spent on him than others without disabilities. if that is what it costs to give him an adequate education, then that is what it costs. It also saves money in long run because it means it is likely less will need to spent on him as an adult.

herecomethepotatoes · 21/04/2016 07:00

"I suspect your point about the OP begrudging sharing her child's Calm room with kids getting changed was ignored because it was a bit silly. "

Ah, I see.

So, to use Narp's idea, it's entitlement. Yet entitled parenting gets blasted in general.

AugustaFinkNottle · 21/04/2016 07:01

IfLovingYou, it's not OP's child having a room at the expense of changing facilities. All the school has done is use money allocated to him to convert an old store cupboard which will also benefit other children with SEN. Given that the learning mentor's room was available, they could have put the girls in there to change.

And why are you and totalrecall unable to take in the fact that the meltdown and the teacher being hit wouldn't have happened but for a series of events when the school failed to take straightforward steps to meet the child's needs and stop the meltdown before it started?

AugustaFinkNottle · 21/04/2016 07:04

I think I have a different name on my iPad and on my work computer. I have nothing to hide.

That doesn't work. I have the same login details on every computer. You would have to have logged in under two separate identities, which is against MN rules.

merrymouse · 21/04/2016 07:05

potatoes, the LA have a duty to educate the OP's child. At the moment it may cost more to educate the OP's child than another child. We may all cost the state more or less money at different times or for our entire lives because of need. That is how a civilised society works.

In the OP's case, the calm room only has any point if it is available when the OP's son needs it. It won't become less necessary because somebody else is using it. If other strategies were effective the school would be able to use them all the time and wouldn't have bothered setting up the calm room.

cansu · 21/04/2016 07:07

If loving I think you also need to think about your assertion that the OP child has more of the teachers time. My dd is currently in mainstream. She actually has none of the teachers time or teaching as she is left to be taught by the TA who has few qualifications and is not paid to do this. When you know nothing about a subject it is probably best to stay quiet.

merrymouse · 21/04/2016 07:12

There may be very good reasons for the girls to need a changing room.

However, the calm room can either be a room that is free for the OP's son to use in an emergency or it can be a room that can be booked for exclusive use as a changing room. It can't be both.

This is not about one group being more important than another, it's about simple logic.

AugustaFinkNottle · 21/04/2016 07:12

Or, because some people begrudge some girls briefly using it to get changed before PE when they think it should be their child's special room for them and them only

herecome, for all your vaunted superiority of thinking you don't seem to have checked the facts. It is OP's child's special room: if it hadn't been converted using funding allocated to SEN, it would still be a store cupboard and therefore not available for changing in at all.

Can you stretch your imagination in the slightest to think what it is like for a child with autism? Sensory sensitivity means that things like noise sounds massively amplified so that it is actually painful, communication problems mean the child can't understand what is happening, and all sorts of other anxieties and stresses build up. The child gets close to boiling point, knows there is a room where he can escape and calm down, but suddenly he can't go there and he is being shepherded off and, as he thinks, will be made to do something he just can't do. Just by putting the girls in the learning mentor's room the school could have avoided a meltdown, the teacher being hit, and an already disadvantaged child missing out on his education. Do you seriously think that's an acceptable state of affairs?

merrymouse · 21/04/2016 07:13

I think that is very common cansu.