Adult/working children living at home

[Cutecat78]

I think this has been done to death but I need a vent.

My 18 yr old son works full time and pays house keeping, he has two younger siblings and they are all expected to empty/load the dishwasher, fold and put away any clean laundry and I will let their rooms get to a certain point before I will ask them to clean them.

DS1 has the attic room which we have recently put a brand new en suite into.

When we have guests to stay they stay up there because of the en suite and it has a double futon. It's the nicest bedroom in the house (of the three kids rooms) and the pay off for that is it occasionally being used for guests.

Since DS1 has started his lastest job after a period of doing fuck all unemployment he seems to think he doesn't need to do anything around the house. He does work late in a bar and its FT (I also work FT) but he refuses to get up in the morning 15 minutes earlier than needed to empty the dishwasher etc. He will cook and not clean up after himself (I usually save him some dinner but he'll fry eggs/bacon in the day) leaves dirty crockery all over his room and his room is disgusting with litter, and dirty clothes stewn over it and the en suite (which needed doing but also with a view to having students in the future when he leaves which he says he wants to do) is getting trashed.

We have just had a row and he's sworn at me and said the reason he stays out all the time is so he doesn't have to come home and "do housework".

We have friends coming to stay in a few weeks and while I don't mind doing a tidy up and clean I do not expect to have to deep clean his room and chisel ten tonne of shit off a brand new toilet .

What do I do - charge him extra for cleaning as asking him and then it turning into a row is just getting me down - and spoiling my relationship with him. He seems to feel as he is 18 he no longer has to respect the house rules.

What do others expect from working children?

I agree with some of the other posts that you need to treat him like an adult - the idea of him having to give up his room for guests is something I wouldn't feel right telling an adult to do when they are paying rent. An 18 year olds bedroom is their sacred private space. At 18 / 19 there is absolutely no way whatsoever I would have wanted my elderly grandparents etc to stay in my bedroom for even once a year. I would not have wanted them poking about in my things.

I think if you go ahead on the basis that it is his space and he is being charged rent to behave like an adult then it is fine and right that he should be expected to chip in to the chores and clean his own space. I would say to him (as you would do a tenant) that he has a minimum commitment to keep the area clean and clean at least once a week and if this isn't being done then rent will go up to reflect the cost of a cleaner (and do actually get one so you're not giving yourself more work).

I understand money is tight, but you can't have it both ways.

He's either paying you rent, in which case it's his right to have his space how he wants so long as it's not causing a health hazard. It also means that he doesn't give up his space for guests. I think he's getting mixed messages - he pays you rent so he feels he has his own space, but you're then telling him how he can/can't keep it and that he has to give it up for his grandparents on your say-so. I don't think that's fair.

So if you can't afford to lose his rent as income (understandable if you've lost any child support), then you need to treat him as a tenant. You can't expect him to pay rent and then treat him like the other children who don't work or pay to live at home.

Or if you want a more steady stream of income (i.e from a permanently paying student or lodger) then you need to help him move out. But he won't get very far on a 0 hour contract.

He's behaving like a teenager, not an adult.

Could of options:
1 - switch one of your other children into the attic. He gets his 'own' room that he doesn;t have to give up for guests. However he looses some of his privacy as he no longer has the secluded attic or en-suite.
2 - charge him a market rent + extra for market rate cleaning and food. He keeps his room always, he doesn't have to do any cleaning.
3 - he moves out
4 - he stops acting like a selfish twat and realities that people in families need to pull together, and doing a bit of cleaning whilst paying a little big of money towards his living costs.

As I said in a PP - the guest thing has never been an issue for him.

He's a lovely, kind, funny boy and I adore him.

He's just a lazy little shit.

I understand money is tight, but you can't have it both ways

Yes you can, if a under 20 feels they want to not be in education unless their parents are willing to fund it completely they need to learn that they don't get to have a financial obligation free jolly at someone else's expense, it's part of growing up

He's either paying you rent, in which case it's his right to have his space how he wants so long as it's not causing a health hazard. It also means that he doesn't give up his space for guests. I think he's getting mixed messages - he pays you rent so he feels he has his own space, but you're then telling him how he can/can't keep it and that he has to give it up for his grandparents on your say-so. I don't think that's fair

Or he's paying housekeeping which is usually a % of earnt income that has almost no relation to what actual rent and bills would cost him and still provides a huge safety net in the event that something goes wrong or he does not earn very much.

NeedsAsickamnesty

Yes I actually agree.

When he was at school the rules about the guest room were there.

Just because he has dropped out of college because he can't be arsed because he doesn't know what he wants to do does not mean that I am changing the way we live our lives - he is not paying the going rate and if he wants to call the shots then yes he must move out, as while he is here he is still my son and still part of this family.

That includes mucking in.?

Of course it includes mucking in, if it does not you are fast on your way to house sharing with an adult who does not pay the going rate and learns that you are a servant who exists to do their bidding.

If he was paying actual rent along with his share of bills like a real proper grown up he would still need to muck in and clean up after himself, people can chuck out dirty gits who live in filth when they live in their family home and it happens lots, grotty lodgers are not desirable. the only thing that would be different if he was fully being a grown up would be the turfing him out of his room for guests

Tell him to pull his weight or his contribution needs to double. Give him a shock to the system.

I'd give him a bit of leeway to do chores in his own time over the week(though I appreciate dishwasher needs to be done when it's ready to be done) and if they don't get done tell him the next week has a higher charge.

If he's not doing his fair share housework wise then he needs to be looking for his own place or paying you market rent/bills. He can't be treated like an adult when it suits but then expect mummy and daddy to clean up after him!

I agree with Hermione.

And i understand why you need a certain type of bed if youve got a bad back but hes seen you buy fitted wardrobes but then tell him you cant afford to have him living there so thats another mixed message.

In 30 to 40 years time what happens if for some reason you need to go and live with him when you are old and infirm and he says he cant afford to have you living with him.

and then buys a new car

I have never said I can't afford for him to live with me.

I have said I expect him to pay his way.

He saw me live with shit falling apart bedroom furniture for 7 yrs while au brought them up alone. Th e kids always had decent furniture.

I then saved up my own money that I earnt and paid and with my partner have fitted wardrobes put in my bedroom.

I really really do not feel that has any relevance at all on him paying his way.

" So I said I was not prepared for him to live here and work and for me to take a financial hit."

Ah i see Fair enough. Furniture needs to be replaced.......it dosnt last forever.

If all he can get is zero hours though thats going to make it harder.

From the sound of it the issue is his laziness in looking after his room and his general attitude. You are subsidising him by only taking 1/3 of his wages rather than a set amount and actually I would be inclined to set a fixed amount as at the moment he has no incentive to go and look for a better paying job or go back to college to get qualified. If he then only has £10 spare then that is his problem.

Has he always been reluctant to help out at home or is this new? My adult daughters came back to live for short periods of time after university and were working but we got them to save for deposits rather than asking for housekeeping but we could afford to do that and they did help out with housework and did food shopping from time to time.

I would be tempted to give him a deadline and say he either needs to pull his weight or you will be renting his room out to students. He needs to grow up sometime.

Cornish the problem with that is that a LOT of employers are using zero hours contracts now especially with young people.

My 18 year old has told me she has dropped out of college instead she prefers to work at kfc ive told her that now she works will need her to contribute to the bills yesterday she got paid 385 pounds for the fortnight shes refuses to pay anything she has now stormed out and gone to her boyfriends I am not in a position to let her not contribute I have two other children to take care of wondering if I'm doing the right thing standing we ground last week I asked her to get loo roll and she wouldn't even get that