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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult/working children living at home

91 replies

Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 16:59

I think this has been done to death but I need a vent.

My 18 yr old son works full time and pays house keeping, he has two younger siblings and they are all expected to empty/load the dishwasher, fold and put away any clean laundry and I will let their rooms get to a certain point before I will ask them to clean them.

DS1 has the attic room which we have recently put a brand new en suite into.

When we have guests to stay they stay up there because of the en suite and it has a double futon. It's the nicest bedroom in the house (of the three kids rooms) and the pay off for that is it occasionally being used for guests.

Since DS1 has started his lastest job after a period of doing fuck all unemployment he seems to think he doesn't need to do anything around the house. He does work late in a bar and its FT (I also work FT) but he refuses to get up in the morning 15 minutes earlier than needed to empty the dishwasher etc. He will cook and not clean up after himself (I usually save him some dinner but he'll fry eggs/bacon in the day) leaves dirty crockery all over his room and his room is disgusting with litter, and dirty clothes stewn over it and the en suite (which needed doing but also with a view to having students in the future when he leaves which he says he wants to do) is getting trashed.

We have just had a row and he's sworn at me and said the reason he stays out all the time is so he doesn't have to come home and "do housework".

We have friends coming to stay in a few weeks and while I don't mind doing a tidy up and clean I do not expect to have to deep clean his room and chisel ten tonne of shit off a brand new toilet Hmm.

What do I do - charge him extra for cleaning as asking him and then it turning into a row is just getting me down - and spoiling my relationship with him. He seems to feel as he is 18 he no longer has to respect the house rules.

What do others expect from working children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 18:32

I think it's matter of respect - it's probably 4 times a year tops and it's not killing him to allow guests (usually family and sometimes his elderly grandparents) to sleep in his room.

That's what families do surely and he chooses to still live in the family home for peanuts where he gets all his meals cooked.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 19/04/2016 18:37

If you invite guests then you sacrifice your bedroom. Charging him rent and then booting him out when visitors come is not on.

Give him a smaller bedroom without end suite and stop making him move out of it.

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 18:38

Agree with NeedaClever. You cant keep moving the goalposts to suit your agenda OP and treat him as an adult when it suits you and then flip back to treating him as a child when it suits you.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 19/04/2016 18:40

The aggression and unwillingness to compromise would bother me.
I have 2 adult children at home, DD pays rent and DS pays in kind as he currently has no income.
Your DS either
moves out asap (and he will find landlords expect a certain level of cleanliness and care to their property)
Renegotiates so that cleaning is part of his rent, and he has exclusive use of the room.
Swaps rooms with one or both of his siblings, and you get twinbeds instead of a double.
Takes his place on a cleaning rota for the house.
But you all needs to sit down calmly and lay down the rules. Maybe even write the agreement down. But it's not fair to any of you to have a pissed-off teen banging round the house feeling cheated and you feeling exploited.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 18:43

He doesn't care about giving up his room - it was agreed when we moved here and it's not the issue - at all.

His siblings have to give up their rooms once a month when we have step kids EOW.

It's not the issue at all.

OP posts:
MsMims · 19/04/2016 18:54

Give him an ultimatum, either he pitches in and keeps the house clean or moves out. Not living in squalor is such a basic life skill, if he doesn't master it now he risks always living like it. That's why I wouldn't offer increasing his rent to compensate for it - he needs to learn to be clean and tidy, not palm his mess off onto you/ future girlfriends.

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 19:03

His siblings arent paying anything for their rooms though are they? You cant have it both ways OP.

A lot of parents try this sort of thing with young adult children. Had a bit of a rough patch with my own parents when they deemed me old enough to get a job , pay poll tax (as it was then) pay my way but not old enough to go to nightclubs with friends.

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 19:04

He does need to tidy and clean up after himself though.

ComfortingKormaBalls · 19/04/2016 19:06

If he struggles to get up during the week to empty the dishwasher, are there any other jobs he could do at weekends - like cut the grass, clean the windows, wash the car, do the shopping (even just click and collect)?

Can I also ask, is his dad/your DH at home to help 'enforce' any rules?

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 19:09

What time does he finish work at night OP. Is he able to come home and relax and unwind for a bit BEFORE going to bed.

After all ppl dont come home after a day shift and go straight to bed do they? So why should night workers.

What time does he finish?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 19:15

No he doesn't see his dad very often at all and my OH is only here weekends and is away a lot as in the military (and can be far too harsh for my liking).

He sometimes finishes at 3pm sometimes at 10pm it's all different shifts.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 19:18

So hes on whats called second shift.

MatildaTheCat · 19/04/2016 19:22

I have 2 adult sons both of whom have lived here. One is fine, a bit untidy but basically clean and housetrained. The younger was a total nightmare. Sloppy, messy and prone to stealing taking our things without asking. He has very gradually got better but is now 24. He stays over sometimes if we are away to feed the cat and when we get home it's evident he's just done a big clear up!

So...I get it. I would definitely move him into a less nice room since he is actually damaging it and clearly can't be trusted to look after your investment. I would also insist that he does something around the house. Ask him what he suggests. If he utterly refuses then he does need to move out and smell the coffee.

It's a really tricky age, he feels adult haha but is acting worse than a naughty toddler. So do the whole toddler thing. Pick your battles, simplify tasks and wait because he will get better. Smile Flowers Wine

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 19:29

He also asks me to save ha m dinner (I I cook enough for him) then doesn't come home Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 19:29

Him sorry and I cook enough for him

OP posts:
Amy214 · 19/04/2016 19:40

Im sorry but i would pretty pissed if my mum kept asking me to give up my bed for guests. I pay rent for me and my 2 year old dd to live with my parents. I paid for our rooms to be decorated and i keep them clean. I even decorated them myself as i didnt want to ask my parents to help as it was 'my choice'. Our washing gets washed with everyone elses as its easier and probably cheaper. My mum cooks the dinner as we all eat the same thing most days and some days i will cook everyones dinner.

MaureenMLove · 19/04/2016 19:44

I don't include DD in dinner plans unless she's in when the cooking starts. If there's some left, she'll eat it, if not, she does her own.

You've got to stop doing everything for him! He'll soon realise that his cushy life isn't so cushy without you picking up after him and cooking for him all the time!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 19:47

I only cook for him I don't tidy his room or clean his bathroom. He does his own washing.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 19/04/2016 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Woodhill · 19/04/2016 19:53

But the rent he pays is probably quite minimal and he would pay a lot more in a private rental plus not get meals, favours etc.

I had to give up my room when grandparents stayed and paid a small amount of housekeeping to dps.

Otherwise he can have the box room and OP can keep the ensuite for guests how she wants it.

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 19:54

So how much rent does he pay OP And what is his wage?

Couchpotato3 · 19/04/2016 19:56

I would sit him down and have a calm discussion with him. Say that you have paid for an en suite for guests, and he gets the benefit of it most of the time, and you insist that he looks after it properly. If he is unwilling to do that, then you will move him to another room in the house, and you or a sibling will have the attic room. He is paying rent to have a roof over his head in the family home. It doesn't give him the right to abuse your goodwill and expect everything to be done for him. If he isn't willing to muck in and do his fair share of the chores, then he can find somewhere else to live and see if he prefers that.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 20:00

He pays a 1/3 of his wage as he is contracted to zero hours so the good weeks even out the bad for he and I.

He should still be in FTE so when he chose to leave I lost maintenance from his father and child benefit. So I said I was not prepared for him to live here and work and for me to take a financial hit. I could make 3 times what he pays me with a foreign student (I don't view him as an income obvs but I have bills I have to cover).

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/04/2016 20:00

Think it's time to set a deadline for him to move out.

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 20:05

" So I said I was not prepared for him to live here and work and for me to take a financial hit." Confused