This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!
My fiancé and are I due to be married this summer. Venue is paid for and everything is booked. My partners family have thrown a few spanner in the works already. My future brother in law, let's call him Adam was upset he didn't get to pick his own best man suit and called up my DP saying it was a waste of his time going for a fitting as he "didn't have any say in the clothes" We found out through Adam that future father in law was unhappy because he wasn't wearing the same suit as his sons and in his words "he would look a spare prick at the top table" but we resolved that only because the man at the suit hire said that the father of the groom should not be identical as he didn't want them all to look as if they were in a marching band and most importantly the groom should stand out. My future mother in law won't tell anyone what colour she is wearing. I had to ask because my mum is getting a corsage and the florist said it should match the colour of her outfit. But my Dps mum won't tell me the colour. But she is miffed that then she may not have a corsage that matches. I don't know why she won't tell us, she says it's a surprise for the day of the wedding. I only mention this to avoid drip feeding!
So that was a few weeks ago. The maximum numbers we have for the wedding is eighty but our numbers are nowhere near that high. We only have 20 people we want there in total. We don't want a big wedding. We have sent out save the date cards. We had to contact father in law to be about getting addresses for some of the family on my DPs side. Dps dad asked for a copy of the guest list, without thinking I gave him it, we got the addresses, save the dates went out. Last night DPs Dad texts him and says he has booked hotel rooms for his cousin (so my DPs second cousin) and father in laws best man. Not my DPs best man, his dad's best man from his wedding 40 years ago who to our knowledge he doesn't see much of.
I realised right away that they weren't invited, checked the list and DP called and spoke to his Dad. We haven't invited these people. We have never met father in laws best man and in the eight years DP and I have been together, he's seen his dad's cousin twice. Both at funerals. There is no contact in between.
DPs dad started to get very upset on the phone, saying the hotel was booked already. DP hates confrontation and hates upsetting people but to give him his due he told his Dad that we hadn't invited these people, two of them we have never met and the other we see rarely. Our decision not to invite his fathers cousin is simply we don't want a big wedding with all the extended family there. None of my aunts and uncles will coming and certainly none of my parents cousins are coming. We want a small wedding.
So father in law to be puts DPs mum on the phone, the whole conversation is then repeated. She says his dad is devastated not to have the whole family there, they just assumed his dad's cousin would get an invite automatically as a second cousin is "immediate family" So even though none of these people had a save the date, DPs parents took it upon themselves to invite them and book them all hotel rooms. His Mum said we would have to do something about it and we then have to call them back. I don't feel we should have to fix this ? We haven't invited any of these people and it's not our fault they booked hotels without asking us if they could come?
So anyhow DPs mum starts to get upset and then she puts Dps brother on. Again we have to go through the whole thing again, dos brother lays on the guilt saying his parents are in tears, we should invite the whole family as they are never altogether and it isn't fair. He also said that Dps Dad will not come to the wedding if father in laws cousin can't be there. He also said we could add on these people as extras and they will pay. They are quite annoyed we have said no and have said its a matter of principal, it's our wedding day we decide who gets an invite, it's not for DP's family to turn it into a big family affair without asking and it's not what we want.
DPs brother *Adam messaged me this morning saying that four guests from their side won't be coming can we please Invite father in laws best man and his cousin? They just want to have the family there as the all the family only meet for sad times and they just want a happy family event. Why can't they just accept no means no?
It upsets DP and I that they are trying to turn our wedding day into a big family affair. I guess we are also a bit baffled because we hardly see DPs family. We seen them twice last year. They stay a 45 minute car journey away and they all drive but they just aren't interested in DP. We invite them round, we get told no. When we moved house and needed help with the move and for some things after, we asked for help and got told no.
Dps parents are retired and very wealthy. If they want big family get togethers they could have one any time, but they don't see much of the extended family either. It just feels like they want to use our wedding to have a big reunion (which is fine if that's what we wanted) and they seem intent in making it about them. It actually feels like they want to pretend at this wedding that we are all really close when the reality is completely different. We haven't seen DPs parents since Christmas!
So now I'm ready to throw the towel in. That how upset I feel about it. The day doesn't feel about us, it feels about DPs parents and their wishes. We would lose a lot of money to cancel and elope but I'm starting to think it will be worth it.
Adam is really pushing us (no doubt on his parents orders) to invite the best man and second cousin. We just don't want to and I fear that by giving in on this occasion there will be something else down the road I.e they aren't happy the relatives are only getting evening invites, Adam isn't happy his girlfriend of a month isn't on top table. I just don't want any more of this hassle. I just want to get married and Dp and I have those we want there to celebrate it with us. Is that unreasonable?