To cancel my wedding because of my future in laws?

[MidnightAura]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

My fiancé and are I due to be married this summer. Venue is paid for and everything is booked. My partners family have thrown a few spanner in the works already. My future brother in law, let's call him Adam was upset he didn't get to pick his own best man suit and called up my DP saying it was a waste of his time going for a fitting as he "didn't have any say in the clothes" We found out through Adam that future father in law was unhappy because he wasn't wearing the same suit as his sons and in his words "he would look a spare prick at the top table" but we resolved that only because the man at the suit hire said that the father of the groom should not be identical as he didn't want them all to look as if they were in a marching band and most importantly the groom should stand out. My future mother in law won't tell anyone what colour she is wearing. I had to ask because my mum is getting a corsage and the florist said it should match the colour of her outfit. But my Dps mum won't tell me the colour. But she is miffed that then she may not have a corsage that matches. I don't know why she won't tell us, she says it's a surprise for the day of the wedding. I only mention this to avoid drip feeding!

So that was a few weeks ago. The maximum numbers we have for the wedding is eighty but our numbers are nowhere near that high. We only have 20 people we want there in total. We don't want a big wedding. We have sent out save the date cards. We had to contact father in law to be about getting addresses for some of the family on my DPs side. Dps dad asked for a copy of the guest list, without thinking I gave him it, we got the addresses, save the dates went out. Last night DPs Dad texts him and says he has booked hotel rooms for his cousin (so my DPs second cousin) and father in laws best man. Not my DPs best man, his dad's best man from his wedding 40 years ago who to our knowledge he doesn't see much of.

I realised right away that they weren't invited, checked the list and DP called and spoke to his Dad. We haven't invited these people. We have never met father in laws best man and in the eight years DP and I have been together, he's seen his dad's cousin twice. Both at funerals. There is no contact in between.

DPs dad started to get very upset on the phone, saying the hotel was booked already. DP hates confrontation and hates upsetting people but to give him his due he told his Dad that we hadn't invited these people, two of them we have never met and the other we see rarely. Our decision not to invite his fathers cousin is simply we don't want a big wedding with all the extended family there. None of my aunts and uncles will coming and certainly none of my parents cousins are coming. We want a small wedding.

So father in law to be puts DPs mum on the phone, the whole conversation is then repeated. She says his dad is devastated not to have the whole family there, they just assumed his dad's cousin would get an invite automatically as a second cousin is "immediate family" So even though none of these people had a save the date, DPs parents took it upon themselves to invite them and book them all hotel rooms. His Mum said we would have to do something about it and we then have to call them back. I don't feel we should have to fix this ? We haven't invited any of these people and it's not our fault they booked hotels without asking us if they could come?

So anyhow DPs mum starts to get upset and then she puts Dps brother on. Again we have to go through the whole thing again, dos brother lays on the guilt saying his parents are in tears, we should invite the whole family as they are never altogether and it isn't fair. He also said that Dps Dad will not come to the wedding if father in laws cousin can't be there. He also said we could add on these people as extras and they will pay. They are quite annoyed we have said no and have said its a matter of principal, it's our wedding day we decide who gets an invite, it's not for DP's family to turn it into a big family affair without asking and it's not what we want.

DPs brother *Adam messaged me this morning saying that four guests from their side won't be coming can we please Invite father in laws best man and his cousin? They just want to have the family there as the all the family only meet for sad times and they just want a happy family event. Why can't they just accept no means no?

It upsets DP and I that they are trying to turn our wedding day into a big family affair. I guess we are also a bit baffled because we hardly see DPs family. We seen them twice last year. They stay a 45 minute car journey away and they all drive but they just aren't interested in DP. We invite them round, we get told no. When we moved house and needed help with the move and for some things after, we asked for help and got told no.
Dps parents are retired and very wealthy. If they want big family get togethers they could have one any time, but they don't see much of the extended family either. It just feels like they want to use our wedding to have a big reunion (which is fine if that's what we wanted) and they seem intent in making it about them. It actually feels like they want to pretend at this wedding that we are all really close when the reality is completely different. We haven't seen DPs parents since Christmas!

So now I'm ready to throw the towel in. That how upset I feel about it. The day doesn't feel about us, it feels about DPs parents and their wishes. We would lose a lot of money to cancel and elope but I'm starting to think it will be worth it.

Adam is really pushing us (no doubt on his parents orders) to invite the best man and second cousin. We just don't want to and I fear that by giving in on this occasion there will be something else down the road I.e they aren't happy the relatives are only getting evening invites, Adam isn't happy his girlfriend of a month isn't on top table. I just don't want any more of this hassle. I just want to get married and Dp and I have those we want there to celebrate it with us. Is that unreasonable?

My sister eloped, mainly because of interference from his parents. They had the owners of the B&B they were staying in as their witnesses, then phoned up and told people. It really upset my parents, I assume it really upset his - but they made an effort and got on with it after expressing their opinion. I think everyone realised they had been driven to it.

To me, eloping is something you do in secret, it isn't a way to have a small wedding. It sounds like with your families, whatever you do is going to annoy people, so to echo other posters just do whatever you both want.

I think you can simply just cancel the wedding celebration, and go to the Church/Register office as planned and just let whoever wants to come come. Dont invite anyone. Parents and siblings will naturally show up. Others may not bother if there is no booze up/free meal. Then afterwards, you and your new husband go for a meal and the rest can bugger off as far as you are concerned. No invitations, no guest list, no presents. Just you and your dh getting a marriage, and get on with your lives.

Your mum gets to see you in a dress, the page boy and flower girl get to do their stuff, the people who think they should be there could come, and you just do your thing and go. THEN you elope, to your honeymoon.

We had something similar in my family: my nephew and his girlfriend wanted to get married very young but the girl never got on very well with my SIL. (My brother is 16 years older than me btw)
SIL is a total control freak and took over big time.....huge family etc. A wedding was arranged for August which was growing by the minute thanks to SIL who had taken over. But on a Sunday morning in June nephew turned up with his new wife and announced they had got married the day before. Now they didn't really elope but had a full white wedding without my brother and wife or us, my mum etc etc. Nephew couldn't even invite his own brother such was the secret. So painful and hurtful. I had to disinvite them to my own wedding that summer to avoid the upset.

The repercussions and misery are still going on today (it was 1993!) All parties are now reconciled thanks to my Mum who kept channels open but life is really hard and nothing is the same: their kids look at the photos and ask where are gramps and Nana? My SIL hates her DIL to this day.My nephew is deeply ashamed but his wife and my SIL say nothing.
If it were me, I would suck it up. let them drag along these rellies. Don't lose loads of money. the repercussions 20 years away of it all being fractious and unhappy are not worth it.
If we hadn't experienced this and I hadn't seen how long the misery will last I would be the first to say tell them to get lost.
PS we are invited to a wedding this year by Mother and father of bride. I hardly know the daughter but we are their friends and there it is!
good luck

First take a deep breath. ask your partners mum and dad round, explain how you feel and say its your day, you will have it your way otherwise you will cancel and have a small ceremony with just future hubby yourself and two witness. Be firm, dont give in to hysterics and above all keep calm. Sounds like Adam is stirring it, blow him out completely.

good luck and enjoy your day

It feels to me that by cancelling you are still letting them influence what you do on the day. Eloping doesn't feel like the answer because if you really wanted to do it, you would have chosen it in the first place.

I like IAmNotAMindReader's idea, though

All I can suggest is that if DP is truly with you on this, then he needs to step up and tell them what's what. Coming from you it just won't be the same.

Hopefully it can all be resolved well, good luck :)

Other people will just have to like or lump it! My concern is about you. How will you feel about the day now, after all this has happened? If your in laws do come, will that be really stressful for you?

After what happened, I was really upset by their presence. They are not easy to be around - even their sons feel harrassed and ill around them. To be honest, it did put a dampener on the day and definitely on the run-up to it. I was very tense, and I worried a LOT in the run up about how they would behave.

I also just felt confused about what I wanted, because I had this wedding in mind that was my idea of the day, and then it had to be changed... and I wasn't ever sure how I felt about the changes. Part of me resented being forced into it. I'm still not sure how I feel, tbh. I'm glad I got married - absolutely no regrets there- but the ceremony itself just became something to get over and done with.

I don't look back at the photos with any real delight - I didn't do any real preparation, I didn't even like the totally bog standard office-shift style grey dress I got on sale to wear, I didn't feel right, the day itself was freezing cold, the registry office was horribly formal and municipal, the meal afterwards was just in a standard restaurant where we just showed up. My parents stayed in our house afterwards. All in all, everything I wanted had been compromised and if I am honest, I do feel I missed out. I'm not at all your fairytale-princess wedding type either: I'm the least person 'like that' that I know. I wasn't ever going to have a florist or a big dress or anything.

OMG, sounds just like my in laws. Cancel the wedding and elope. My wedding 19 years ago was the most stressful ever, from the day I met my in laws (a year prior) till about 4 years go when we moved away. Mil would call and tell us which venue to book and which date etc. She shouted at my Mum in front of everyone on the day. Complained about the food. Insulted my family. It was awful. I shared my wedding reception (the next day) with my sil's 6th wedding anniversary.

To this day I regret not cancelling it. We don't celebrate our anniversary - why would I want to remember one of the most horrific days in my life? Sod the money.

Who is paying for this?

I think if your parents and/or in-laws are paying for it then to some extent you should let them have a say in what kind of wedding it is going to be and who is going to be invited. My boyfriend and I were invited to a childhood friend's wedding last year as the bride's guests, and my parents were invited separately as the bride's mother's guests, because she was paying for half of it and thought it was her right to be able to invite some of her own friends. (Fair enough, tbh.)

I get that some people are saying that weddings should be a family occasion, but I don't think that's necessarily true. It should be about what the couple want. And above all, it should be a happy occasion. There is no point spending a lot of money on a nice venue and meal if no one is going to enjoy the day and everyone is going to be stressed because of all the arguments.

If you and your fiancé are paying for it yourselves, it's your money, your wedding, your choice, and you can do what you want.

But if you do elope, don't go to Gretna Green because it's the UK equivalent of Vegas! (Unless you like that idea, in which case, go for it!)

I don't think it's really just the four extra people. It is all the rest of it: The moans about what the men are wearing, the fact that "Adam" wants his new girlfriend on the top table, and so on.

Just another idea: If you do go ahead, why not just have champagne (or other drinks) and canapes instead? My sisters and I all did that. Caterers will usually suggest 6-8 canapes per person, but if you have about 14 per person then everyone will have more than enough. Make sure you have a mixture of hot and cold and they are really good ones. Finish off with tiny eclairs, lemon tarts or similar, or even small bowls of strawberries and cream.

That way you don't have to sit at the table seething and you can mingle with your own family and friends and leave his lot to get on with it.

How many times does the OP have to go over the same points!

OP and her fiance are paying.

ILs have created a problem by not respecting bride and grooms wishes to have a small wedding.

They have invited randoms and booked accommodation for them.

ILs are not close to their son, don't bother to visit despite being invited.

OP wants her parents their and will tolerate ILs.

They don't want siblings there because it defeats the object of keeping it small and low key.

ILs have ruined it by wailing and sobbing over not getting their way, why should OP give in to their demands, they will only move on to the next thing when they have got their way over this.

People need to read the OPs responses before asking pointless questions. She has had to repeat herself so many times. Highly an OPs posts and then you don't even need to read everyone else's posts.

OP I feel for you, have a cuppa, we're all wading in now and you've got more to think about. Fwiw I'd tell in laws that you and DP are coming round to talk about the wedding and to ensure BIL is there too, then tell them it's your wedding, your invites and that's it. They invited people, they must uninvite them, if they won't, you will uninvite them (if you have to ask for phone numbers it shows how much you don't know them, hence you didn't invite them) and say if any of the 4 turn up on the day they will not be allowed into the wedding party meal etc. Complete foot down, look them in the eye and that should be the end of it. if they want to be funny about attending themselves after that it's up to them. You can still have your day at your dream venue.Good luck with whatever you decide, the great thing that comes through is that you and your DP are firmly together and although a wedding is lovely, your relationship with each other is so much more important and it looks good from here.

highlight an OPs posts ffs.

Oh dear. You have rather backed yourselves into a corner here.
Your stbPiLs have been unreasonable in inviting some of their friends to the wedding.
Your Mum should be supporting you through a difficult decision making process: she isn't. she's encouraging you to butt heads with your ILs while giving her everything that is important to her in your wedding.
So, you find yourselves in a situation where one set of parents will melt-down if someone they want on the guest list isn't included, and another set of parents will do the same thing over a different batch of guests.

Having a much smaller more intimate wedding is out because your Mum will cry. Having the wedding you planned won't work because your FIL will cry.

I'd suggest you either set about enraging both sets of parents or neither:

1. Have your initial wedding, accept ILs additions (making them pay)...just let it go (it won't be the only thing on your wedding day that doesn't go to plan and if you make peace with it in advance you'll be OK). It is just one thing.
2. Sod em all, fly off to the Caribbean and get married with random witnesses. have a party when you get back that they can all invite whomever they like to.

If you are paying for the wedding, it's your choice who attends.

My auntie had split with her husband but rather than admitting that to my Mum, she came out with every excuse under the sun not to attend our wedding.

Firstly she told us it "had to be at the start of August as her children would be at University in September (when we'd originally thought of getting married). Told her fine, so arranged it for August to suit her family.

Next, said all her family HAD to stay at my brothers 2 bedroomed flat (there was 5 of them!) for the duration of their stay.

Said they could all stay at our house while we were on honeymoon but couldn't accommodate them before that time and brother didn't have enough room for them all to fit in (he was going to purchase an extra bed as it was but that the flat was simply too small to fit all of them in without my brother having to move out).

Gave them different options including their son staying at my brothers and the 2 girls at ours with the aunt and uncle at my parents house.

Said NO CHANCE.

Now, these weren't little kids but 20 yr old adults so perfectly capable of being away from mummy and daddy for a couple of days before the wedding then they'd all be together for up to a month while we were on honeymoon (we were also going to buy an extra bed for them so they'd all fit into our house).

But, trying to help I looked into b&bs / caravan sites / hotels in the area with varying price lists so they could remain together but was told - NO, either your brother moves out of his flat and we stay there or we're not coming!

Two of my cousins were meant to be the bridesmaids but no way were we being blackmailed into that as brother said he wasn't moving out of his own flat (we told him what they had said but put him under no obligation to offer them anything)

Told them fine, if they didn't want to come that was their choice.

Auntie then bitched saying her daughter's didn't like the colours of the dresses as they were "hideous" (a light turquoise and not garish as had even sent samples of materials and asked them to pick which one they liked or pick a colour they would prefer). So to be told they hated the colour THEY had agreed on was laughable.

Then sent me a nasty email (supposedly from my cousin but writing style was all my auntie) saying they wanted nothing to do with our wedding as suggesting they stay in a caravan was "galling" and disrespectful and that I was being a selfish bitch for not helping them in any way.

Well, this selfish bitch decided, sod them. If that's how they feel then so be it.

I asked another relative to be my bridesmaid.

On my parents request we sent them invites but never heard anything back and they didn't come.

Several years later other relative said they been telling everyone that "we didn't get invited" My Mum told them ALL the other invites (including California) managed to make it safely and was their choice not to attend but her sister still tried to blame everything on us being "unreasonable".

Do not bow to pressure. Tell them either they shut up and accept YOUR decision or not attend. That while you'd like them to be there, you will NOT be blackmailed into inviting people you neither know nor want at your wedding. If they don't like it, tough!!

They might boycott the wedding (like my aunt and cousins did) but that was their loss not mine. I had a fabulous time without them and their drama.

Aunt finally admitted she didn't want my mum to know she'd separated from her husband that year and would have struggled financially for the family to attend.

Had she been straight up with us at the start we'd have tried to help them how we could but she was looking for an excuse and wanted someone else to blame so she could tell her friends and neighbours etc that it was us that had been so nasty to her!! (the poor little me, so hard done by attitude)

Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore (save a Christmas card) and want nothing to do with her spineless kids either as not one of them attempted to contact us to find out what was happening and why suddenly they weren't going to our wedding. Simply can't be bothered with that - Life is too short and all that.

It's YOUR wedding so you decide who is and isn't going. My brother was an usher on the doors at ours and turned the parents of a friend (who had been invited) away as they didn't have an invite! They stormed off but the venue could only hold a limited number and had "presumed" they'd get in for the ceremony even though it was a private venue!!

Same mum at her own daughters wedding then made a snide remark about wanting it to be extra special and not "hoytie toytie" like other weddings her daughter had attended (get the dig in there Mrs). Just smiled sweetly and said every wedding is special as its the BRIDE AND GROOM that matter the most and NO ONE ELSE!!

...or 3) just grasp the bull by the horns and say no to your ILs. It will cause ill feeling but you will have got what you wanted....your Mum gets what she wants and you don't see the ILs much anyway.

Good on your DP for sticking by your decision and to have wedding you both want - men sometimes find it hard to go against their family. I would stand your ground, it's unfair on your family if they invite second cousins and family friends and your family can't or are willing to respect your wishes. It's your wedding, your decision to have the wedding you both want.

Out of interest, who's paying for the wedding? I do think that when family contribute, they feel they are then entitled to have a say on how the day should be.

Good luck

I agree elope! I let my mil get away with murder for our wedding, if you back down now they will always expect it. I'm the only one in our family that says no to her (apart from my bil - (their sil) who pinned fil up - but that's a whole other story) but be prepared for hysterics/crying (fainting even?!) but if you don't see them that often go for it!
Reading the original post i was getting so cross on your behalf!!!!!

Hope you have a magical wedding where-ever and however you do it xxx

Why can't your DPs mum not order a Corsage for your mum that way her secret stays lol. But it sounds to me like you should cancel and elope. Its your day and you sound so miserable!!

What you are talking about isn't eloping. It is a change of venue with an even shorter guest list.

What exactly have you gained by that?

Is it just that you won't have to phone the extra 4 guests and tell them they aren't invited?

I can't see that it solves any of the other problems.

Everyone is crying and kicking off whatever you do. You have stress whatever you do.

All you've done is swapped one set of hassle for another, while losing money and guests that you actually wanted there (those in the original 20).

Why not just stick to your original guest list, make damn sure everyone else knows they are not invited, make sure they are not allowed into the venue on the day if they turn up (ushers and best man can take care of that)?

Be fierce about absolutely enforcing what you have decreed. Refuse to discuss it with anyone at all. It is what it is, like it or lump it. No more of this bloody endless negotiation with everyone.

If you are paying, you should definitely have the final decide.

It all sounds horribly complicated and stressful. I am with the "elopes". As a compromise, could you not suggest your prospective in-laws have a separate larger family get-together to celebrate your wedding (after the elopement or a possible small registry office do?).

Wedding arrangements can often bring the worst out and open up all sorts of family grievances. Important thing is you and your partner. Sometimes it can be hard to remember that. Tell a few white lies if you have to, but don't be bullied. Take a break. YANBU but with these types of things it is easy to lose perspective!

Just seen someone complaining about asking the same questions again and again. So scrap the bit about who's paying.

To everyone's defense, it's hard to read all 550 odd responses to find out what has and what hasn't already be asked or said before, but I can understand it's annoying for those that have the time to do so.

Thankyou Aspie

We can have the wedding with just us and parents and friends over after. As I said my mum will sulk, feel resentful towards my In laws but she will get over her sulk, put on a smile and attend our day.

DPs parents may choose not to come at all because we aren't playing ball with them.

As Cleo says we are not backing down to DPs parents about them inviting people we don't know, because there will be other issues.

If we have the original wedding and don't back down DPs parents will have a face like a slapped arse. They are already threatening not to come!

I don't think my mum is encouraging us to butt heads with the in laws, if anything I think she wants us to have original wedding because then we aren't rolling over to them and also my family will still be there. And of course she was looking forward to it. Which I understand.

I really like the idea of telling in laws they can have a wedding celebration at a later date and we will go and they can invite everyone they want and we will go and play nice. If and when they speak to us again I will suggest it. But as they will be paying for it, I don't see it happening. They want the big family bash at our expense.

So sorry you are having such a nightmare - that's the funny thing about 'your special day' unless you elope or do it on the quiet it is never just about you. I have amazing parents but wedding planning brought out the worst in them. For example I gave my father the order of service to proof read and he criticised the font!!!! It is a very stressful time for all concerned and yes everyone wants a bit of it.

You keep talking about small wedding but if they are so upset about a couple of people I would be inclined to let them have them as replacements for the ones not coming. Be magnanimous - life is hard enough without these issues being allowed to fester and you have the space. Yes it is not ideal but be the better man/ woman - these people may turn out to be the life and soul and will at least keep the outlaws from moaning their way through what will be a happy day despite everyone's best efforts. You could also give your parents the choice of an extra couple should any more not be able to attend. Despite all best plans some people (including one of our ushers) don't turn up.

In terms of the dress / corsage let your MIL talk directly to the florist so she gets a matching corsage but keeps her secret. Also let FIL wear same if he wants to just say wanted to make him feel special but if he wants to blend in then so be it but let him sort it out with the hire company.

Sorry the wedding won't be exactly as you wanted it but it will be your wedding and so many of us have been there. You are marrying the man not the family but you will have to deal with them and as someone with very tricky outlaws the best thing you can do in the words of the madagascar penguins is
'smile & wave boys, smile & wave'

x

The original post mentioned that the FiL-to-be had gone ahead and booked hotel rooms for the extra family, which sounds like a ploy to force invitations. If it was me I'd turn that around and say "Oh, fantastic - you can instead all get together the next day for lunch. Phew, problem solved! Cup of tea, anyone?" ;)