To cancel my wedding because of my future in laws?

[MidnightAura]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

My fiancé and are I due to be married this summer. Venue is paid for and everything is booked. My partners family have thrown a few spanner in the works already. My future brother in law, let's call him Adam was upset he didn't get to pick his own best man suit and called up my DP saying it was a waste of his time going for a fitting as he "didn't have any say in the clothes" We found out through Adam that future father in law was unhappy because he wasn't wearing the same suit as his sons and in his words "he would look a spare prick at the top table" but we resolved that only because the man at the suit hire said that the father of the groom should not be identical as he didn't want them all to look as if they were in a marching band and most importantly the groom should stand out. My future mother in law won't tell anyone what colour she is wearing. I had to ask because my mum is getting a corsage and the florist said it should match the colour of her outfit. But my Dps mum won't tell me the colour. But she is miffed that then she may not have a corsage that matches. I don't know why she won't tell us, she says it's a surprise for the day of the wedding. I only mention this to avoid drip feeding!

So that was a few weeks ago. The maximum numbers we have for the wedding is eighty but our numbers are nowhere near that high. We only have 20 people we want there in total. We don't want a big wedding. We have sent out save the date cards. We had to contact father in law to be about getting addresses for some of the family on my DPs side. Dps dad asked for a copy of the guest list, without thinking I gave him it, we got the addresses, save the dates went out. Last night DPs Dad texts him and says he has booked hotel rooms for his cousin (so my DPs second cousin) and father in laws best man. Not my DPs best man, his dad's best man from his wedding 40 years ago who to our knowledge he doesn't see much of.

I realised right away that they weren't invited, checked the list and DP called and spoke to his Dad. We haven't invited these people. We have never met father in laws best man and in the eight years DP and I have been together, he's seen his dad's cousin twice. Both at funerals. There is no contact in between.

DPs dad started to get very upset on the phone, saying the hotel was booked already. DP hates confrontation and hates upsetting people but to give him his due he told his Dad that we hadn't invited these people, two of them we have never met and the other we see rarely. Our decision not to invite his fathers cousin is simply we don't want a big wedding with all the extended family there. None of my aunts and uncles will coming and certainly none of my parents cousins are coming. We want a small wedding.

So father in law to be puts DPs mum on the phone, the whole conversation is then repeated. She says his dad is devastated not to have the whole family there, they just assumed his dad's cousin would get an invite automatically as a second cousin is "immediate family" So even though none of these people had a save the date, DPs parents took it upon themselves to invite them and book them all hotel rooms. His Mum said we would have to do something about it and we then have to call them back. I don't feel we should have to fix this ? We haven't invited any of these people and it's not our fault they booked hotels without asking us if they could come?

So anyhow DPs mum starts to get upset and then she puts Dps brother on. Again we have to go through the whole thing again, dos brother lays on the guilt saying his parents are in tears, we should invite the whole family as they are never altogether and it isn't fair. He also said that Dps Dad will not come to the wedding if father in laws cousin can't be there. He also said we could add on these people as extras and they will pay. They are quite annoyed we have said no and have said its a matter of principal, it's our wedding day we decide who gets an invite, it's not for DP's family to turn it into a big family affair without asking and it's not what we want.

DPs brother *Adam messaged me this morning saying that four guests from their side won't be coming can we please Invite father in laws best man and his cousin? They just want to have the family there as the all the family only meet for sad times and they just want a happy family event. Why can't they just accept no means no?

It upsets DP and I that they are trying to turn our wedding day into a big family affair. I guess we are also a bit baffled because we hardly see DPs family. We seen them twice last year. They stay a 45 minute car journey away and they all drive but they just aren't interested in DP. We invite them round, we get told no. When we moved house and needed help with the move and for some things after, we asked for help and got told no.
Dps parents are retired and very wealthy. If they want big family get togethers they could have one any time, but they don't see much of the extended family either. It just feels like they want to use our wedding to have a big reunion (which is fine if that's what we wanted) and they seem intent in making it about them. It actually feels like they want to pretend at this wedding that we are all really close when the reality is completely different. We haven't seen DPs parents since Christmas!

So now I'm ready to throw the towel in. That how upset I feel about it. The day doesn't feel about us, it feels about DPs parents and their wishes. We would lose a lot of money to cancel and elope but I'm starting to think it will be worth it.

Adam is really pushing us (no doubt on his parents orders) to invite the best man and second cousin. We just don't want to and I fear that by giving in on this occasion there will be something else down the road I.e they aren't happy the relatives are only getting evening invites, Adam isn't happy his girlfriend of a month isn't on top table. I just don't want any more of this hassle. I just want to get married and Dp and I have those we want there to celebrate it with us. Is that unreasonable?

First of all, sorry to read you're having this drama at that moment when you should be happy and enjoy yourself.
My short answer will be - No.
I've had a similar situation on my own wedding.
Regarding the uninvited guests - all the families are different and they stay in contact with different people. So I guess they are more friendly with some of the cousins and family than others regardless of who is first, second or third cousin.
This is to point out that if your family is not inviting second cousins, your partner's family may prefer to invite second cousins rather than first, so to speak.
I would proceed with that as you do with uninvited kids on kids birthday parties - just be prepared for a + - 5.

Regarding the colour coordination - bear in mind that you are inviting the people you will be in contact with and who will be your immediate family for the foreseeable future. They are real people with own personalities (which makes them who they are) and not movie extras to be put into uniforms and told how to act. Although I agree that looks good on photos.

The day will be so much more about how you and DP feel rather than how the things and people look. I can guarantee you that on the day you won't be even noticing things that are not going to plan.
So I'd say - compromise about the things that are not of utmost importance to you and negotiate for the things that you feel important until you get a mutual agreement with your in-laws.

It is a common misunderstanding that future newlyweds do - we try to control everything as we want it, because it's our day - but later I've realised that it is more of a family affair - it's the day you parents' and your DP parents' children are getting married and that is an equally big deal as your own wedding. So I guess the best option is to try and make sure all these levels of people have 'they' day together.

Al last, if you can go through the wedding planning without much damage on both sides, then congratulations - you've just passed your test for a successful family living :)

All the best with the rest of planning.

Take time out to be clear what you really want.

Then do it.

All the rest - including all the money you have already spent or committed to, and all the arrangements you have made - is mere detail.

Today may be the last time you get to say, "I love you" to someone important, so make your life count! :)

Chances are this 'best friend' of the dad will be there whether invited or not. It is just their pride.

Whether you cancel the wedding - it depends how attached you are to the money /time spent already or whether you can let it go. Personally I would just let the money go.

I would personally tell them you have cancelled the wedding because of the stress they put you under. Then go ahead and have your wedding anyway and tell them you changed your mind - the day before.

My mother tried to force me to have the ceremony in her church rather than my church. My mother 'helped me' with the invitations and had her church printed on all of them. At first I just conceded, but a month before the wedding I changed my mind and paid to have all the invitations reprinted with my church. My mother initially refused to go to my wedding, I told her it was her choice. She came anyway and in the end it made her respect me more.

My mother also respected my invite list, but she insisted on hosting a party the day after inviting all her relatives/friends. I bought a special dress and had a fun lunch. Perhaps tell you PIL that they can host their own party in honour of your wedding and invite whoever they want. and that you promise to make an appearance.

We are taking our time about moving forward.

We accept we will no doubt piss people off whatever we do. We are going to upset people.

I agree with Cleo flips we go ahead with the original wedding DPs family won't be happy as they aren't getting their way, it will almost feel sham like because if we roll over and say "fine for the sake of relations invite them all" this will not be the last issue they phone us in tears over. When we look around on the day and see people we don't know and pretending for a photographer we are one big happy family it will feel ridiculous. This has caused massive upset with them. If they even attend the wedding. Well they would if they control the guest list. Any excitement about that venue is gone, their call two days ago has really spoiled things.

But if we step back and make the wedding back to being about us? Well it's a much much smaller affair, In Laws will be pissed off and probably not come. My parents will sulk in the short term (as they did with some things with our original plan) but they will get over it because they know this isn't for anyone else. I don't doubt my parents will be there if we ask them, they may not like all of it perhaps but they will come and be happy for us. I can't say the same for DPs family.

I wouldn't elope personally but stand my ground. It doesn't matter what the in laws say it's your wedding. Get your mother in law to call the florists and tell them her colour so it can match her outfit. She doesn't have to tell you. Hold firm, like someone said above, if you give in imagine the dramas when you have children... They will be picking the names for you j

Is there a halfway option which would involve contacting all the suppliers for your wedding and saying that you have decided to get married in 12/18 months' time and that you would simply like the arrangements to be transferred to that date? They may charge a rebooking fee but that should be manageable.

You can then write to your save the date list and say that you have rescheduled.

Go on holiday with your OH this summer instead and let the dust start to settle.

Unless you have a v pressing reason to marry on the original date, you may as well wait until things feel more comfortable.

YANBU! HUGS

Trying to be practical about this as with luck you won't see them much after you get married. We had two weddings. One "big family" one and one small one. Get married early and celebrate your way. Then let your in-laws pay for the big one.

I've been married over twenty years and the one thing I've learnt is that marriage involves a lot of compromises. Might as well start the way it will be.

I think it's very freeing to accept that some people simply cannot be pleased. For instance my H is very weird about presents, no matter what I give him for Christmas/birthday it's not good enough/doesn't show enough thought/is too cheap/doesn't suit him. For years, decades even, I would feel bad and try harder the next time but eventually I realised that it's him and not me. He is dismissive and scathing about every present he gets (although it's only me that he tells, he at least thanks other people). The only presents he ever values are the ones his Mum gives him (and tbh she gives him some dreadful tat). So now I save myself hours of worry and searching and just buy him anything, and when he complains I point out that there is nothing I could buy that would be good enough so I don't want to hear it.

Sorry, long story to point out that your PILs won't be happy no matter what you do, so do what you want and pay no attention to them.

Avoid Gretna, it's the antithesis of romance - all car parks & wedding tat.

What's to stop the IL's highjacking the elopement in some way if you give them advance notice & invite them?

DP should tell his father to 'Behave'.

And that 'your family are distinctly unimpressed.

If push comes to shove & you elope make it a lovely wedding. Send a car for your ILs on the day to collect them so it's a surprise destination to go with MILs 'surprise' dress.

OP seriously! get married abroad, just you and your DP on honeymoon. On a beach/a mountain/park wherever.
The weekend after you come home have a party, at a pub where you hire the venue for free/at your house/your parents/in-laws. You can wear your wedding dress, nieces can wear their outfits etc.
This sounds a lovely option and win win. I'm surprised your mum is forcing eloping with the whole family. Eloping is just you two. Go on, do it.

I totally sympathise with you and elements of this sound familiar, although our dramas were less prolonged. I caved. Should I have? Yes, and no. For me it was about preservation of the longterm relationship I'd have with my in-laws. So when they asked to invite 10 extra people, that were their friends, and that they would pay for, while I was FURIOUS, I relented when my fiancé joined them in trying to convince me. And that was despite my having just 15 family members, compared with over 65 of his... I have a small family that I love and see regularly. The same cannot be said about his family beyond the immediate. I started out wanting a small, intimate wedding of approx 40. It ended up being 100 in total. My day was brilliant, but I didn't do as was asked and be sure to meet and greet all of his family. And I will never forget what they asked of me for my wedding day. Did it set the tone for our relationship going forward? No.

Ultimately you make the right decision for you for the day, and that you can live with beyond it. If neither of you are bothered about the relationship being damaged, irreparably or otherwise, then stick to your guns, have the wedding that you want at the venue you want, and invite who you want only. But if you want to be the better person, my advice would be to bend a little, but not a lot! As per the advice above, ask your mother-in-law to be to contact the florist and explain why. Do something else that's positive in meeting them halfway, but don't back down on what really matters to you, be that venue, numbers, specific bums on seats. It's your wedding, your day. But it's also your relationship with your other half, so whatever you do, don't let the family arguments taint that in any way at all.

Weddings, especially the planning of them, are stressful. It's hard to keep sight of why you're doing it when you get bogged down with other people's concerns. The seating plan is a right hoot. Your brother-in-law to be needs to be on your side, perhaps keep him on side in order to fend off the dreaded in-laws?!! Good luck. x

Wow.
The first question would be... Are they helping to pay for the wedding? If the answer is yes then I would just let them invite the extra 4 people, it's not a lot of people.
If however you are paying for your own wedding then tell them in no uncertain terms that this is your wedding, your deciding everything and if they don't like it then they don't have to go. They will likely sulk and try to throw their weight around a bit but eventually I would imagine they will just realise it's not up to them and go still.

Good Luck!

We don't want to postpone our wedding. Our honeymoon is booked and postponing it for months just doesn't feel right.

We want to get married. Somewhere along the road we have lost our way a bit.

I just want to say though that the outfits aren't a big deal to us- To DPs family it was. We want FIl to be able to wear a different suit to the groom so they don't have a uniform. That offended him as he wanted the same. DP wanted to stand out, the staff member agreed he should stand out as the groom. FIL can wear what he likes. As for MIl she can wear a string bikini for a I care! I don't give a damn what she wears, it is a bit attention seeking clouding her outfit in secrecy but I don't really care what she wears, I've told the florist it's dark blue and black.

Right now we are prepared to lose the money for the wedding. That's how serious this is.
If we are to have ceremony with parents only and informal drinks after, to be honest I don't think it will change my feelings towards my in laws. I'm not their biggest fans at the moment. But to be honest no matter what wedding we have we won't see them again anyway for months. That's just how they are.

Who is paying? That would make the difference I think. Call their bluff and tell them in all seriousness that you are close to cancelling and see if that sorts them out. The marriage so way more important than the day but I do sympathise. it's your DP's family so he has to handle. Have a plan B for the day. Good luck

Take a step back and think!
What do you actually want. Do you want to get married or have a party?
For me I just wanted to get married to my DP. We contemplated a small wedding (which we would be paying for) got to about 25 guests of people we would "have to" invite and decided that we didn't want to pay for people we didn't really want there so went for a secret wedding. We had 2 best friends as witnesses and the 4 of us had a lovely day. No-one minded us not telling them except for 1 friend who was planning her big wedding day. On her Wedding day she actually told me "This is so stressful, I wish I had done what you did."
Decide what you actually want - marriage or party.
You can have a party whenever you like and make it informal so doesn't cost so much.

oh you poor OP you must be truly fed up of this now and this ever continuing MN thread. I would just disappear now and give us all an update in a month's time.

Good luck with your decision and the day
x

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. This is yours and your partners day and it should be exactly how you both want it.

My Father was not at my wedding because I have no relationship with him and absolutely hate his wife because she was a troll to me when I was young and treated me like a piece of crap on her shoe when I was growing up.

Do not cancel your wedding, tell them all in no uncertain terms that the wedding will be what you and DP want and if they don't like it then they do not need to attend. Simple.

What you must consider is your future relations with your in laws. If this is what you get in arranging your wedding what more drama is there to follow. Given it's 'in laws' I suggest your intended needs to sort it out - tell them its your wedding and your choices etc - and if he can't or won't do this then you know exactly what your getting in to. Your in laws will not change their behaviour. You do get to choose how to respond to it.

We are paying for the wedding.

All we want is a small ceremony at a nice venue and maybe have a small gathering in the evening if any friends wanted to join us. I suppose if im honest I don't want to say get married at 12:30, come out half an hour later, take my dress off and go to the pub.

We just don't want anything large or anyone telling us who has to be there.

OP I feel so sorry for you. We had a big wedding, and I remember FIL saying he didn't understand why we couldn't just go to a registry office. I said "We could, but we're not going to". That was the end of it. I think your in laws need to be told firmly that you're not having strangers at your wedding, and if they're not happy about it, tough. If they don't turn up, then so be it. It's an invitation not a summons, and you only want guests who want to celebrate with you. I hope it all works out for you both.

I think yabu,all weddings have dramas do you would probably regret eloping. Why not invite the four people they want as you have had four regrets, and let your in laws pay for them. Tell MIL to call florist to advise them the colour of her dress. Then keep them out of the planning as much as possible.

YANBU this is yours and your DPs day. We had similar issues with our wedding from my DHs side and we stuck by your guns. We had a wonderful day at our wedding, your DPs parents are being completely unreasonable and very unfair to their son. Don't enter in to any more discussion about it. If his dad doesn't come then it is not yours or DPs fault. For some reason wedding a seem to split family and friends. I lost my best friend who was meant to be a bridesmaid and I still don't really know why! Do it your way, it's your wedding, you and DP are the only ones who have to like it xx

the OP doesn't WANT to elope. she uses the term, but she wants her parents and her DP wants his parents.

her mum wants her sister and nieces/nephews to come too
BIL expects to come with gf
PIL has invited randoms. that is the crux of the problem.

OP i really don't know what you can do. I think i'd cancel the wedding. go on honeymoon as a lovely holiday. Come back, book a small venue for september, invite those you want there at the last minute. They'll be so relieved that you didn't get married on holiday and that there is actually a wedding they're invited to they may just keep quiet. (spring it on them at last minute, they will all think you have secretly got married when abroad anyway).
At least this way you keep in control .

This is outrageous! Definitely elope.