To cancel my wedding because of my future in laws?

[MidnightAura]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

My fiancé and are I due to be married this summer. Venue is paid for and everything is booked. My partners family have thrown a few spanner in the works already. My future brother in law, let's call him Adam was upset he didn't get to pick his own best man suit and called up my DP saying it was a waste of his time going for a fitting as he "didn't have any say in the clothes" We found out through Adam that future father in law was unhappy because he wasn't wearing the same suit as his sons and in his words "he would look a spare prick at the top table" but we resolved that only because the man at the suit hire said that the father of the groom should not be identical as he didn't want them all to look as if they were in a marching band and most importantly the groom should stand out. My future mother in law won't tell anyone what colour she is wearing. I had to ask because my mum is getting a corsage and the florist said it should match the colour of her outfit. But my Dps mum won't tell me the colour. But she is miffed that then she may not have a corsage that matches. I don't know why she won't tell us, she says it's a surprise for the day of the wedding. I only mention this to avoid drip feeding!

So that was a few weeks ago. The maximum numbers we have for the wedding is eighty but our numbers are nowhere near that high. We only have 20 people we want there in total. We don't want a big wedding. We have sent out save the date cards. We had to contact father in law to be about getting addresses for some of the family on my DPs side. Dps dad asked for a copy of the guest list, without thinking I gave him it, we got the addresses, save the dates went out. Last night DPs Dad texts him and says he has booked hotel rooms for his cousin (so my DPs second cousin) and father in laws best man. Not my DPs best man, his dad's best man from his wedding 40 years ago who to our knowledge he doesn't see much of.

I realised right away that they weren't invited, checked the list and DP called and spoke to his Dad. We haven't invited these people. We have never met father in laws best man and in the eight years DP and I have been together, he's seen his dad's cousin twice. Both at funerals. There is no contact in between.

DPs dad started to get very upset on the phone, saying the hotel was booked already. DP hates confrontation and hates upsetting people but to give him his due he told his Dad that we hadn't invited these people, two of them we have never met and the other we see rarely. Our decision not to invite his fathers cousin is simply we don't want a big wedding with all the extended family there. None of my aunts and uncles will coming and certainly none of my parents cousins are coming. We want a small wedding.

So father in law to be puts DPs mum on the phone, the whole conversation is then repeated. She says his dad is devastated not to have the whole family there, they just assumed his dad's cousin would get an invite automatically as a second cousin is "immediate family" So even though none of these people had a save the date, DPs parents took it upon themselves to invite them and book them all hotel rooms. His Mum said we would have to do something about it and we then have to call them back. I don't feel we should have to fix this ? We haven't invited any of these people and it's not our fault they booked hotels without asking us if they could come?

So anyhow DPs mum starts to get upset and then she puts Dps brother on. Again we have to go through the whole thing again, dos brother lays on the guilt saying his parents are in tears, we should invite the whole family as they are never altogether and it isn't fair. He also said that Dps Dad will not come to the wedding if father in laws cousin can't be there. He also said we could add on these people as extras and they will pay. They are quite annoyed we have said no and have said its a matter of principal, it's our wedding day we decide who gets an invite, it's not for DP's family to turn it into a big family affair without asking and it's not what we want.

DPs brother *Adam messaged me this morning saying that four guests from their side won't be coming can we please Invite father in laws best man and his cousin? They just want to have the family there as the all the family only meet for sad times and they just want a happy family event. Why can't they just accept no means no?

It upsets DP and I that they are trying to turn our wedding day into a big family affair. I guess we are also a bit baffled because we hardly see DPs family. We seen them twice last year. They stay a 45 minute car journey away and they all drive but they just aren't interested in DP. We invite them round, we get told no. When we moved house and needed help with the move and for some things after, we asked for help and got told no.
Dps parents are retired and very wealthy. If they want big family get togethers they could have one any time, but they don't see much of the extended family either. It just feels like they want to use our wedding to have a big reunion (which is fine if that's what we wanted) and they seem intent in making it about them. It actually feels like they want to pretend at this wedding that we are all really close when the reality is completely different. We haven't seen DPs parents since Christmas!

So now I'm ready to throw the towel in. That how upset I feel about it. The day doesn't feel about us, it feels about DPs parents and their wishes. We would lose a lot of money to cancel and elope but I'm starting to think it will be worth it.

Adam is really pushing us (no doubt on his parents orders) to invite the best man and second cousin. We just don't want to and I fear that by giving in on this occasion there will be something else down the road I.e they aren't happy the relatives are only getting evening invites, Adam isn't happy his girlfriend of a month isn't on top table. I just don't want any more of this hassle. I just want to get married and Dp and I have those we want there to celebrate it with us. Is that unreasonable?

It wasn't so much the run up to my wedding that I was worried about but more the bitching during as in 'ooh call that a dress' or 'ooh I wouldn't have had this food' or the having to leave early because the food made them ill.

So we told no one and we popped down to the Registry Office with our two children as the witnesses. Even that saved upsetting any family or friends over the choice of witnesses

Op - start as you mean to go on. Do not back down - they accept this or you cancel the wedding.

If you do go ahead I hope her corsage clashes madly with her outfit!!

*Your PIL don't want to see all these relatives, otherwise they would. As you say they have the time and money .

It's not about family and friends to them. It's about power and control. They want to be in charge of everything and you ( quite reasonably ) won't let them.

MIL dress and the corsage is a good example. It would cost her nothing to say " my outfit is royal blue " . But she wants it to be a secret / suprise because the BRIDES dress is usually a Suprise.

They don't want to see FIl best man. They want to be the hosts who choose the guest list .

It doesn't matter where you compromise, they will push you further. If you add the 4 extra guests, it will be something else .

They just want control. If you don't stop this now, they will control your marriage and your kids.

Put your foot down now . Whether that's saying no two extra guess, eloping or having a different wedding, that's up to you.

It won't be fun and there will be collateral damage. But if you want your marriage to succeed ( as opposed to having a nice wedding day ) you will have to stand up to them or get them out your life*

This is how I feel. Thank you!

If you offer them the means to get there (paid-for taxi) then they have the choice to come. If they choose not to, then it was totally up to them. They have the outfits already, after all. So whether they come or not, it's no longer something you have "done to them", it's in their power to witness your marriage gracefully or stay at home.

What is this parents getting to invite who they like stuff about?
Is this an actual thing?

If fil wants a photoshoot opportunity with his whole family, he can bloody well organise exactly that and not try and take over a wedding.

Just elope with your witnesses. Have a wonderful lunch somewhere you absolutely love. Do t tell anyone who will kick off in any way. Just have witnesses to this bit.

Ask family to a bbq at a later data.
Say you've cancelled the wedding as crashers were escalating the costs beyond the budget.

Stick to your guns and have a lovely small registry wedding, on your own terms.

My DH and I eloped with two witnesses and had a fantastic lunch.
We had a garden party 6 months later for family. It was lovely. We also had the ever growing guest lists from the MiL who "owed" invites to all and sundry.... Not my problem.

We had a lovely day. Enjoy yours: you'll remember it forever, so make it one you want. Only have those there who are absolutely there for you, and if that means no family there at the registry office, so be it.

Btw, I say this as someone who is actually usually firmly in the camp of "weddings are family occasions all about getting together with distant rellies and celebrating wider family and relationships". But in your case, I would damn straight just elope.

Matilda that is a good idea about going to see them. assuming they let us

They won't speak to DP at the moment on the phone. They are sending BIL to do their dirty work even though he says it's nothing to do with him he's more than happy to stick the boot In. We have been polite but firm and said we appreciate they want a family knees up- we don't. And because they took it upon themselves to invite people and broke them hotels that has really annoyed us. I wonder who else they have invited?

They expect DP to roll over and play dead as he's did that before, they hate the fact he's grown a pair and told them no. I don't doubt I'm the cow of a soon to be daughter in law but that's ok, I'm over that.

With the corsage I honestly thought she would tell me the colour, I mean no disrespect but I don't care what she wears as long it's not a white dress and veil! I expect her corsage will be white.

I asked FIL if he wanted to do a reading he said no so we asked someone else. Truth be told I didn't expect this from DPs family, this is the crap I expected from mine!

My in-laws are a weird bunch so in order to avoid this sort of scenario, we just went ahead and got married at the venue of our choice with just two witnesses. So, you could still have your wedding where you'd like - just without the troubling relatives there. We told them about it afterwards. They weren't happy, but they weren't going to be happy whatever we did. So, you know, whatever. My family were more sanguine and happy for me if that's what made me happy. And it did.

DH and I eloped. There were many reasons, but issues with parents on both sides were a big factor. We told our parents and siblings in advance, but we didn't invite any of them - we just had two mutual friends as witnesses at the register office, went out for a nice lunch with them afterwards, and then flew out that night on our honeymoon.

There was a lot of drama for a few months, and telling them in advance didn't soften the blow - in retrospect, I would have just done it without telling them. But we had a fantastic day, and it was just what we wanted - about us, making a serious commitment to each other, not everyone else's issues and expectations. We had a big party a few months later, which was great as we had some wedding-type elements, but really just did what we wanted. Already being married took significant pressure off that day, and it was a lot of fun.

In your situation, I think I would elope as soon as possible, completely on your own, then tell them all afterwards. Given the way your PILs are behaving, eloping with them wouldn't eliminate the biggest problem, which is them! They will be upset, but they'll get over it. I would keep the venue for the date you'd booked for your wedding, and just make it a reception. Everyone should lighten up as it's not the wedding, and you will be more relaxed about it all if you're already married.

We did that too pippistrelle. Tell them afterwards. They'll suck on lemons, but at least it will be what you want- a lovely relaxing day where you declare your love for your partner and he his to you.

Elope aura! Don't negotiate and see your bil and go through hoops of torture.

Just elope!

If you do decide to cancel, then perhaps you could write to ILs and explain why?

"We have decided to cancel the wedding we'd arranged, as it has become a source of conflict rather than an occasion to celebrate our marriage. We have tried very hard to plan a day that would be intimate and special to us, but feel that by being pressed to accommodate everyone else's requirements, the day has become too much of a circus. We don't want our wedding to be remembered for all of the arguments and upset that have happened recently.

We'll re-schedule the day in due course, but to warn you this will be a far, far smaller affair, with no more than a handful of guests.

We're sad that this could have easily been avoided, but hope you understand that the disagreements were overshadowing the day we had dreamed of. "

If you got married without any family and had a couple of witnessness from the venue/street then of course your family would be sad for a while but ultimately, wouldn't they want you to be happy?

ArmfulofRoses if this is a thing I don't know it either! But then we aren't having a big wedding (although it's starting to feel like that )

That's what bugs me, FIl could have this jolly family bash anytime. But he won't. He just pretends they are close when the truth he hasn't seen them Since September and before that it was 2013. They have just assumed all cousins are going and invited them!

I really like your idea NoSquirrels and it's one I will look into if we do cancel ans elope. I hope his parents come even though I hate them because it will hurt my DP if they don't.

When DP speaks to BIL get him to say that - "Aura has been in tears about all this, she is so upset that no one is listening to us and what we want on our wedding day".

If they can play the upset card, then so can you.

If you had a weekday ceremony, you could still stick to your original venue for the reception/party etc, but it would have less emotion invested in it.

If ILS decide not to come, you will have to let the venue know final numbers for the catering at some point, so they can't just decide to turn up in the end. They will have shot themselves royally in the foot in that case.

hugs - you poor thing sounds very stressful.

Hope it works out whatever you choose. I'd tentatively suggest - go out with DP, have a few drinks, do something daft and stress releasing: karaoke, clubbing, folk dancing, wild kinky sex; and see how you feel in the morning.

If you want to elope you can elope. If you want to keep your wedding just as you planned you can do this.

It might well be the case that this drama is not actually about you, they've got issues and are finding a reason to weep. Or they've found bullying and weeping has always worked for them until now to get what they want and its a learned response. Either way giving in isn't going to make them or you happy. Advice for crazies, alcoholics and manipulators is always ' detach with love' ; let them holler, let them cry and argue, and then ignore them and do what you want.

I have been upset but I'm not shedding any more tears over them. They aren't worth it. I think I want to elope now. It feels if we have the wedding we will end up being forced into having so and so there so his parents faces are straight. This will get round his family and we will be the unreasonable ones. And by we I mean me because they will not blame DP. They believe that he wants to have people there he's never met!

When DP speaks to BIL get him to say that - "Aura has been in tears about all this, she is so upset that no one is listening to us and what we want on our wedding day".If they can play the upset card, then so can you

This assumed that they are nice people who will care about your being upset . They are not. They don't give a flying fuck for your feelings . In fact they don't even accept that other people have feelings at all . It's all about THEM.

Trust me, this is what they will say in reply to such an letter

" OMG I can't believe that you are treating us like this . After every thing we have done for you DS. We sent you to grammar school / bought you a pony / sacrificed ourselves for you and this is the thanks we get.

Your mother / father / grandmother is beside herself with the stress, she's been having chest pains / we think the cancer is back . We didn't want to tell you because all we care about is Your DAY. You know it's been my dream for my whole life to see you walk down the aisle with my dearest lifelong friend [ best man ] beside me.

Your mother has spent months looking for an outfit , she's hired her own silk worms to make the silk for the dress because she loves you so much she just wants the very best for you .

And this is how you treat us . I never thought I'd live to see the day when a son of mine would behave in such a selfish way. We have even offered to pay for these guests so it wouldnt cost you a penny, but still you are determined to hurt us like this .

It's that woman isn't it ? you neve acted like this before you met her, I always knew she was bad news , she has turned you against your own flesh and blood.

Well I may not even make it to your wedding after the news I got from the doctor last week "

< dramatic pause , while father slowly sinks into a chair clutching his chest >

This happened to us. It was awful. We cancelled, eloped! Best thing we ever did.

Your day, your way.

Op could you tell them the guest list is final but you understand about wanting to see their family at joyous occasions - therefore, if they'd like to host a celebration party for your marriage where they can invite whoever they'd like you'd be happy to come?

Have you booked a honeymoon OP?

Kr1stina That is funny. But it's also true and that's actually quite sad.

The sad thing is DP maintains they love me. Even though they ignored my significant birthday this year, criticised our house the first time they came to see it (6 months after we moved in ) and criticised my engagement ring to my face. It's like now we have moved in together (after 8 years together) the worm has turned. Maybe they don't like that DP moved out his home town and moved to be with me?

Before that things were fine! I just don't understand this. This is just about control for them? I expect they are used to getting their own way- certainly with their sons.

I expect though my ears are burning in their house. DP says just cancel wedding.

Yeah Cody honeymoon is booked. How come?

My MIL asked for some people to be invited, I explained that we were limited to numbers due to the venue, however we added them to the back up list and invited them when we had declines come in. I didn't see the issue tbh, it was 4 people including MIL's bridesmaid who I had never met.

Up thread someone suggesting allowing the extra guests but making it a big deal and not budging on anyone else. On my wedding day I was so busy with everything that I wouldn't have noticed/minded my FIL's cousin being there.

Presumably you will lose your money on the venue if you cancel now?

If you cancel this wedding and elope with his parents and your parents aren't you just missing out on your day? if you elope without your parents will they not be upset?

.

Friend got married abroad - they had it videoed - then a party with the video being played whilst we ate -

Can you marry on honeymoon???