To cancel my wedding because of my future in laws?

[MidnightAura]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

My fiancé and are I due to be married this summer. Venue is paid for and everything is booked. My partners family have thrown a few spanner in the works already. My future brother in law, let's call him Adam was upset he didn't get to pick his own best man suit and called up my DP saying it was a waste of his time going for a fitting as he "didn't have any say in the clothes" We found out through Adam that future father in law was unhappy because he wasn't wearing the same suit as his sons and in his words "he would look a spare prick at the top table" but we resolved that only because the man at the suit hire said that the father of the groom should not be identical as he didn't want them all to look as if they were in a marching band and most importantly the groom should stand out. My future mother in law won't tell anyone what colour she is wearing. I had to ask because my mum is getting a corsage and the florist said it should match the colour of her outfit. But my Dps mum won't tell me the colour. But she is miffed that then she may not have a corsage that matches. I don't know why she won't tell us, she says it's a surprise for the day of the wedding. I only mention this to avoid drip feeding!

So that was a few weeks ago. The maximum numbers we have for the wedding is eighty but our numbers are nowhere near that high. We only have 20 people we want there in total. We don't want a big wedding. We have sent out save the date cards. We had to contact father in law to be about getting addresses for some of the family on my DPs side. Dps dad asked for a copy of the guest list, without thinking I gave him it, we got the addresses, save the dates went out. Last night DPs Dad texts him and says he has booked hotel rooms for his cousin (so my DPs second cousin) and father in laws best man. Not my DPs best man, his dad's best man from his wedding 40 years ago who to our knowledge he doesn't see much of.

I realised right away that they weren't invited, checked the list and DP called and spoke to his Dad. We haven't invited these people. We have never met father in laws best man and in the eight years DP and I have been together, he's seen his dad's cousin twice. Both at funerals. There is no contact in between.

DPs dad started to get very upset on the phone, saying the hotel was booked already. DP hates confrontation and hates upsetting people but to give him his due he told his Dad that we hadn't invited these people, two of them we have never met and the other we see rarely. Our decision not to invite his fathers cousin is simply we don't want a big wedding with all the extended family there. None of my aunts and uncles will coming and certainly none of my parents cousins are coming. We want a small wedding.

So father in law to be puts DPs mum on the phone, the whole conversation is then repeated. She says his dad is devastated not to have the whole family there, they just assumed his dad's cousin would get an invite automatically as a second cousin is "immediate family" So even though none of these people had a save the date, DPs parents took it upon themselves to invite them and book them all hotel rooms. His Mum said we would have to do something about it and we then have to call them back. I don't feel we should have to fix this ? We haven't invited any of these people and it's not our fault they booked hotels without asking us if they could come?

So anyhow DPs mum starts to get upset and then she puts Dps brother on. Again we have to go through the whole thing again, dos brother lays on the guilt saying his parents are in tears, we should invite the whole family as they are never altogether and it isn't fair. He also said that Dps Dad will not come to the wedding if father in laws cousin can't be there. He also said we could add on these people as extras and they will pay. They are quite annoyed we have said no and have said its a matter of principal, it's our wedding day we decide who gets an invite, it's not for DP's family to turn it into a big family affair without asking and it's not what we want.

DPs brother *Adam messaged me this morning saying that four guests from their side won't be coming can we please Invite father in laws best man and his cousin? They just want to have the family there as the all the family only meet for sad times and they just want a happy family event. Why can't they just accept no means no?

It upsets DP and I that they are trying to turn our wedding day into a big family affair. I guess we are also a bit baffled because we hardly see DPs family. We seen them twice last year. They stay a 45 minute car journey away and they all drive but they just aren't interested in DP. We invite them round, we get told no. When we moved house and needed help with the move and for some things after, we asked for help and got told no.
Dps parents are retired and very wealthy. If they want big family get togethers they could have one any time, but they don't see much of the extended family either. It just feels like they want to use our wedding to have a big reunion (which is fine if that's what we wanted) and they seem intent in making it about them. It actually feels like they want to pretend at this wedding that we are all really close when the reality is completely different. We haven't seen DPs parents since Christmas!

So now I'm ready to throw the towel in. That how upset I feel about it. The day doesn't feel about us, it feels about DPs parents and their wishes. We would lose a lot of money to cancel and elope but I'm starting to think it will be worth it.

Adam is really pushing us (no doubt on his parents orders) to invite the best man and second cousin. We just don't want to and I fear that by giving in on this occasion there will be something else down the road I.e they aren't happy the relatives are only getting evening invites, Adam isn't happy his girlfriend of a month isn't on top table. I just don't want any more of this hassle. I just want to get married and Dp and I have those we want there to celebrate it with us. Is that unreasonable?

Do people genuinely not sit down with both sets of parents and ask them who they want to invite, then? Dh and I had our list, and checked with both sets of parents who they wanted to invite, added them to the list, (despite not knowing them from Adam) and got on with it. It's basic courtesy, isn't it? Thank you for raising me for the last twenty odd years, and I understand that you might have people that you want to share your baby getting married with?
I just figure that in ten years time when/ if any of my teenagers get married, they will understand that a wedding is a life experience for the whole family. The B and G are obviously driving it, but to dictate the guest list and rule out relatives (particularly as the parents have offered to pay for their additions) just seems a bit bridezilla.
I honestly didn't give a monkeys who came to my wedding. They were all periphery. It was about my relationship. Sure great auntie Glad can come if it's important to you, mil. Why would it matter? All this angst about 'what I want' is just bizarre. It's 4 people, who won't even notice on the day, unless you have decided to stuff yourself full of simmering resentment and ruin it yourself. I don't even remember who was at my wedding lol. It really wasn't important. Just background detail.
This would all have been so much easier if dp had checked who his parents wanted to invite in advance. You have turned a very straightforward 'oh, sorry, I didn't realize. We are a bit skint and hadn't budgeted for these folk, can you pay?' into a 'cancel the wedding it is imperative that I have my own way' drama. What a shame.
I hope you manage to salvage something. You are probably better off cancelling now in any case as you have tainted the whole day. A new plan would at least allow you to start over, although folk will be boggled that all the drama was caused by 4 utterly inconsequential guests who could have been managed with a shrug.

But Divathecat 4 guest out of 20 is 20%. Would you not notice if almost a quarter of your wedding party were strangers?

We will lose money but equally if we go ahead with it we will spend a lot more money on the day with things that need paid for nearer the time. Money isn't the object, it's our fear that if we give in to this there will be other battles down the road. One will be reception invites and ceremony invites, his family sre hiring a mini bus to take everyone from their side as our wedding gift. despite the fact they all stay within 10 miles if the venue and we don't

That says to me they probably assume all these relatives are being invited to the ceremony when they aren't. BIL randomly kicked off demanding why his save the date didn't say and guest. I don't know if you are meant to put and guest but the invites haven't went out, just the save the dates. I know and guest goes on there. We may have made a mistake on that but it was a rather odd time to stick the boot in.

He's seeing a new girl and wants to invite her- fine - he will demand she's on top table- not fine. It's scenarios like this that I know will happen. I know them far too well.

They didn't ask us if we wanted the people in question- they dictated to us and booked them accommodation. That's what bothers us. And they refuse to see they are wrong.

Hire a bouncer to only let those who you have sent an named invite to into the wedding?

Mad woma- we did check his father had the guest list, that was his opportunity to ask if so and so can come. Instead he invited him and booked their hotel without our knowledge. It's a small, intimate wedding with family we know well. Us not wanting people we don't know at all there I think is normal. But if that Makes me a bride Zilla I actually don't mind.

With most weddings, there's some sort of drama. In your case, you just need to stand your ground and tell them no. Call up this second cousin and say "I heard that FIL invited you to our wedding, however he had no authority to do so. We are having a very small wedding with only immediate family and close friends, so we will not be able to accommodate you at the wedding. I apologise on behalf of FIL but we truly are baffled as to why he took it upon himself to invite extra guests that we cannot accommodate."

Do not compromise on anything with PIL. Give an inch and they'll take a hundred miles. Tell them it's no longer up for discussion and if they no longer want to attend, that's their decision to make.

If they don't attend though, THEY are the ones that will look like stupid idiots. Why didn't you attend your son's wedding? Oh because he wouldn't let me invite my cousin. Everyone will think he's a bloody twat.

I don't think you should cancel your wedding. Just go ahead with it in the current venue. At this stage, it makes no difference if they attend or not. I would also shut down any further discussion on your wedding plans - if they start throwing toys out of pram, keep saying it is not up for discussion.

I would love that cody but my parents couldn't afford to come and I accept that in eloping both sets of parents are invited.

Omg, what a pita!

FWIW, I wanted to elope, pull two witnesses in off the street. DH agreed with me, but then there were so many compromises until we had the wedding someone else wanted. I have regretted it and don't think about it at all. When it comes into my mind it tends to be tinged with sadness.

Elope. Leave all family behind. Tell no one. Invite parents (both sides), and maybe siblings, for nice dinner sometime after when you tell them and wave your rings around.

When I married over 25 years ago now, I was very much of the opinion that it was 'our' wedding. I was upset by both sides of the family inviting guests I didn't know!

My father gently took me aside and explained that when a precious child gets married it is the joy of their parents to invite those they would like to celebrate with. It is the father giving away his daughter. The invitations historically go out from the father of the bride inviting the guests. He had also asked my future husbands family who they would like him to invite.

I'd never considered it that way before and it helped me understand where the older generation was coming from. My father funded the wedding as was traditional at the time.

Having said all this, now weddings are funded usually by the bride and groom and not the father of the bride, maybe the etiquette has changed somewhat.

I understand you being upset over this, I certainly was. Our wedding was for 40 people max and I had to decide which of my friends could attend as places had been taken by guests I had not met in some cases.

This is very unfair on you. Tell them it's your way or the highway. If they don't agree with your guest list they don't have to come. Saying that, i'm sure your other half really wants his parents there but they are making it very difficult and stressful at a time that you should be glowing with happiness. What a shame they can't see past themselves and realise they are spoiling your big day. I really hope you get something sorted.

"They won't speak to DP at the moment on the phone. They are sending BIL to do their dirty work"
Two can play at that game. You and your DP can refuse to speak to anyone bar his parents.

Why the save the date cards?

Is it a time when a lot of people might be on holiday?

Could you just change the date & send out invitations?

"Do people genuinely not sit down with both sets of parents and ask them who they want to invite, then?"

We showed the list that we had drawn up, mainly to check addresses & to see if we had inadvertantly missed anyone off, not so that they could invite their guests, especially.

Presumably they did that at their own weddings!

Be firm . Send an email to Fil briefly & politely explaining that you wanted a small wedding , inviting who you wanted and that it is not up for discussion . If FIL wants a big family do let him
Organise one at a later date .

It's your wedding , me & dh were very firm about who / who not to invite as my family is enormous and we chose to invite a mix of friends and family who we see regularly rather than rarely seen Relatives , friends of parents .

My father gently took me aside and explained that when a precious child gets married it is the joy of their parents to invite those they would like to celebrate with. It is the father giving away his daughter. The invitations historically go out from the father of the bride inviting the guests. He had also asked my future husbands family who they would like him to invite.

You see, I would have considered this incredibly old-fashioned even 20 years ago! Nearly 30 years ago, when my sister got married, my mother was fussing about inviting various elderly connections of her family, many of whom we younger ones had never even met. She and my sister were arguing about it, until BIL, who is lovely and normally astonishingly patient, told my mother than unless the arguments ceased, he and my sister were eloping.

My mother backed down. To this day I don't know what got into her. These were people my mother hadn't bothered to see in years!

I am going against the grain here, and am going to suggest that you come to a compromise with them. Its a long road ahead as a family.

If it was me I would:
Meet up this weekend and thrash it out. Have bullet points written down....
Say "I don't want a big crowd at the wedding, its causing me anxiety" (there can be no argument with that)
Continue, "We are going to have a small wedding in "insert far away venue here" that only has room for less than 10 people. Our parents are welcome to come and be witness and have a meal with us afterwards. That's what is happening."

Then say "If you wish to have a party on the original date of our wedding, we will come to that party dressed up, but you are paying for it. All of it. You can arrange what you want and invite who you want to that."

Does that sound like something you could live with? I think your original plan for the wedding is unfortunately ruined, so I need you need to move on and come up with something that you can live with. I am sorry your dreams were shattered, but come up with another plan and I hope you can make the most of it now.

I got married 20 years ago, when (I think) it was more common for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding. I wanted a smallish wedding but my DH wanted a large wedding, and that's what happened. My parents invited quite a few people I'd never met before; so did my DH's parents. Having said that, I really enjoyed the day and all the people I'd never met before were lovely.

BUT you are paying for your wedding yourselves and so you shouldn't have to put up with all this 'second cousins are immediate family so let's invite all 20 of them' bullshit. The problem isn't that your ILs want everyone there; it's that they won't take a telling. I think you're right to worry that this is about power and control rather than wanting a family party. Your ILs haven't understood that times have changed. They also haven't realised that their son is an adult whose decisions should be respected. And they clearly don't care at all about disrespecting you.

It's maybe a bit of a shame that your own parents would balk at the idea of a proper elopement, just the two of you with random witnesses, because that does seem like the best solution. Anything that involves your DP's parents will also involve some disappointment. I hope you find a way to have the wedding you want without all the displays of dominance from your DP's family.

I couldn't care less who anyone (and I mean ANYONE) else thought should be at our wedding other than myself and my husband to be.

If dh and I are in the position to be able to contribute financially to the dc's weddings then it will be given without conditions and not used as a form of control.

Elope. Unquestionably. Because something will happen on the big day to cause a scene. They will moan about who isn't there or the people they want will just turn up regardless in these hotel rooms they've booked (and will no doubt refuse to cancel).

And I'd happily tell them that their behaviour means they won't see their son get married.

The parents of those marrying now had a lot more parental input into their marriages. I had second cousins at mine I had rarely met. However my parents were paying for a considerable part of my wedding so it was only fair they invited people important to them. Some of my generation haven't realised times have changed. My children will have to pay for their own weddings with a little help from us. They will pick their own guest lists. I do hope however that they will think about elderly relatives and friends who have been important part of their lives and if it is possible invite them.

If canceling now means losing some money, but nowhere near as much as canceling closer to the day, or going through with it and hating every minute, then do it. Don't let one of the most special days of your life be ruined.

Do people genuinely not sit down with both sets of parents and ask them who they want to invite, then? Dh and I had our list, and checked with both sets of parents who they wanted to invite, added them to the list, (despite not knowing them from Adam) and got on with it. It's basic courtesy, isn't it? Thank you for raising me for the last twenty odd years, and I understand that you might have people that you want to share your baby getting married with?

I agree with you, but seems as if I'm in the minority.

What an awful situation OP. I don't envy you at all. How many things have you booked already? Is it just the venue or is it other suppliers - cake, hair/make up, photos etc?

Would it be an option to elope on the day of your wedding and still get the benefit of the suppliers already booked so you weren't losing all your money? Or sound out a few suppliers to see if they'd be willing to change to another date? If you eloped or had a wee registry office ceremony midweek the suppliers might be willing to help you out as they may be able to rebook the original date if it's bang in the middle of wedding season? Obviously you won't be needing a cake for 50 people but maybe you could negotiate a smaller cake and then another one for your anniversary next year or something? Photo needs would be different - could they just do the ceremony and could you do an outdoor shoot in your wedding gear before or after as well? Suppliers may be willing to help out - it would be worth sounding them out I think to se hat thy could do for you.

Did you watch the US Office? I'd be tempted to do a Pam and Jim - elope and have the ceremony just the two of you (get a humanist and they can do a beautiful ceremony just the two of you somewhere special to you) then make use of your original venue booking and have a blessing for everyone to see and then have the party afterwards. Do it on the same day or do it another day before your original date (and then you get to wear your dress twice). That way you still get your venue, you still get the ceremony you want and all the drama about who sits where, wears what won't matter quite so much as it's not your special moment being ruined - you'll already have had that with just you and DH.

All this angst about 'what I want' is just bizarre. It's 4 people, who won't even notice on the day, unless you have decided to stuff yourself full of simmering resentment and ruin it yourself. I don't even remember who was at my wedding lol. It really wasn't important. Just background detail.

True.

OP, read the whole of Madwoman's post. She is spot on.
OK, it's harsh, but there's a lot of truth in it.