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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think this vasectomy advice is a bit off?

101 replies

ifiseeonemoresock · 17/04/2016 19:30

My dh had a letter today after asking for a vasectomy the letter included this paragraph

"DIVORCE - it is wise to consider the differing needs for fertility of husband and wife. The wife is she should remarry will rarely desire more children. The man will often remarry a younger woman and they may have a strong desire to have children."

Aibu to have been a bit surprised by how this sounds?!

Fully prepared to be told I am Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ifiseeonemoresock · 17/04/2016 23:26

That way of putting is is A LOT better. Although I would really like to know who expects it to solve sexual problems and what sort of problems they have Grin

Maybe the same people who need to do not eat warning on the cream I have for excema ?

OP posts:
livewyre · 17/04/2016 23:27

Not worrying about unintended pregnancy can make sex a lot better!

Original poster
ifiseeonemoresock · 17/04/2016 23:28

Mint - I don't think it is a discussion for partners. We have decided we don't want more children. He needs to think alone about whether he would like the option to have children with other women as at that point by definition it is no longer my concern .

OP posts:
MintChocAddict · 17/04/2016 23:28

summer

What if it's you who decides in the future that you don't want him, rather than him swanning off?

Because your fertility is naturally declining and your options for more children are reduced, his fertility has to go too??

Seems harsh.

Original poster
ifiseeonemoresock · 17/04/2016 23:29

Live - this is a good point a worry my dh has never had. (Listens to the snoring of many children - looks accusingly at dh)

OP posts:
MintChocAddict · 17/04/2016 23:36

ifisee I disagree.

I don't think it's for doctors to point out the obvious. My DH hadn't given it any thought until I raised scenarios with him, and being open and honest was a positive thing for us.

We together decided not to go ahead as he has unrelated chronic pain and the low risk of testicular pain wasn't a risk either of us were happy to take. He maintains that he has no interest in more children with anyone and nor do I, but the finality of a vasectomy didn't sit comfortably for me for many of the reasons already mentioned.

KittyKrap · 17/04/2016 23:43

I know a guy who's wife talked him out of a vasectomy, they had two DCs. Turns out she was shagging some other bloke and wanted DH to have more children if he remarried. He did and had more DCs too.

Anyway, sorry, I thought the OP was going to be how they put on weight and lick their bums like an old ginger Tom in front of the fire afterwards.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/04/2016 06:27

livewyre
"I don't think we should overplay the risks in a misguided "must protect the men" type thinking."

Nor should we underplay the risks in a misguided "men must get vasectomies" type thinking.

2rebecca · 18/04/2016 08:27

I think a lot of the sexual problems men are hoping it will help relate to lack of sex with fear of pregnancy/ the pill hormones supposedly affecting sex drive used as an excuse. Some men have a vasectomy hoping it will rekindle the sexual side of their relationship and when it doesn't realise the relationship is the problem not the birth control.
I've known several relationships fall apart a year or so after a vasectomy for this reason with men feeling it's hardly any sex ever again or move on.

Daffodil90 · 18/04/2016 08:36

Interesting that this leaflet is trying to put you off vasectomy.
I got a leaflet after giving birth of various methods of contraception (apparently getting pregnant again would be the worst!) And sterilisation was casually in the list. I was a bit Hmm

LurkingHusband · 18/04/2016 08:37

"The Wife" ??????

I will bet a pound to a penny that was written by someone for whom English is a second language.

Maroonie · 18/04/2016 08:45

are vasectomy different if your not married?
Surely 'the man' and 'the woman' would be a more appropriate way to put it.

Headofthehive55 · 18/04/2016 09:25

When it first became available divorce and remarriage and second families were not as prevalent as they are today.

Strawberryshortcake40 · 18/04/2016 13:20

Expat - why do I feel guilty? Because I know he would like more children. Even though he never seemed keen on those he has i think he would like the chance to start properly again with somebody else.

He had it carried out as I was absolutely terrified of getting pg again and was struggling to find suitable contraception that didn't make me unwell. I felt our family was complete and it would be exactly what we needed. Sadly on the morning of his surgery he had sex with me without my consent because he felt he needed to before the op. And we never did it again after that. So he never got to see any benefits of it.

Owllady · 18/04/2016 13:25

Strawberry that's shocking. Are you still with him? :( you know that's rape don't you?

Strawberryshortcake40 · 18/04/2016 13:27

No in the final process of divorce. I do know what it is, I just prefer not to use that word.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 13:34

He raped you, he's an abusive git. I really hope you get some help to realise that the world is a better place if people like this man don't reproduce anymore. He's manipulated you so badly you feel your own children aren't good enough for their own father.

Owllady · 18/04/2016 13:35

Strawberry have you spoken to anyone about this?

Strawberryshortcake40 · 18/04/2016 13:39

I'm fine about it really. It must be over four years ago now and I've spoken with a counsellor about it. And this is somewhat hijacking the thread, sorry.

I think my original point was however clumsy that op letter is worded, it still is an important consideration that men should think of.

StrumpersPlunkett · 18/04/2016 13:45

Dh had to have an in depth conversation with the nurse before they would do his.
They covered our children being killed and us wanting more they covered me being killed and him finding love again and the wanting more.
It was quite intense
However dh just kept saying I can't live my life everyday as if all these things might happen or else I would never cross the road or drive a car just incase.

Fwiw. He has an amazing almost pain free complication free vasectomy and we have never looked back.
The only pain he felt was the local anaesthetic going in before they started.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/04/2016 14:12

Clumsy wording but a very sensible consideration.

I know loads of people who have encouraged a permanent form of contraception towards the tail end of a relationship usually to attempt to prevent a second family occuring.

TheFuzz · 19/04/2016 00:01

Does the advice mention 1 in 10 men get chronic long term pain from the snip ?

Bet it doesn't. More crap advice coming out from the NHS. It's seriously misleading.

EarthboundMisfit · 19/04/2016 01:47

DH had a vasectomy 18 months ago. My period is a week late and I've been sick the last two mornings...

StrumpersPlunkett · 19/04/2016 16:09

Earthbound, did he. Follow up with sperm samples?
If he did and there was no dead or live sperm it was successful and it will be something else.
If he didn't then hey congratulations 🙃

EarthboundMisfit · 19/04/2016 17:03

Yes he did...just really paranoid now. This is NOT the time for DC4!

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