aibu to think this vasectomy advice is a bit off?

[ifiseeonemoresock]

My dh had a letter today after asking for a vasectomy the letter included this paragraph

"DIVORCE - it is wise to consider the differing needs for fertility of husband and wife. The wife is she should remarry will rarely desire more children. The man will often remarry a younger woman and they may have a strong desire to have children."

Aibu to have been a bit surprised by how this sounds?!

Fully prepared to be told I am

Alma - our gp didn't ask dh any questions at all just refered him. I assuming as he knows we already have a large family?

How do these men support all these families they have with their new models?

Expat I have no idea ! My dh always says (jokingly!) that we can never split up because he would end up working 24 hours a day to cover his part of paying for our kids plus a while separate house!

I suppose the sad fact is that in many cases the mother is left supporting them with small or no contribution from the father and his (according to our vasectomy leaflet) young wife

livewyre

"while happily expecting women to shoulder the burden."

I didn't say that women should shoulder the burden, I stated that one in ten was not a low risk.

I am all for a male pill or some other form of male contraceptive, but as has been said on the threads on here about the male pill, the majority of women wouldn't trust men to take it, and when there are threads about men wearing condoms whilst their DP is on the pill, some say that the men should trust their DP.

You can't have it both ways, in the same way that you can't say that one in ten is a small risk.

Boney - can I ask what the complications 1 in 10 have are . The info I have is way lower than that and googling I can see anywhere near this number?

Low risk of severe complications. Sorry.

The risk of 1 in 10 you quote is for long term testicular pain, which is rarely worse than 'mild'- I'd say comparable to the breast tenderness most women get monthly, or would get with the pill etc, and are expected to put up with.

The risks of infection etc are similar to the LARCs GPs have to suggest to women at every contraceptive consultation. How often do GPs suggest vasectomy?

Boney is talking about long term testicular pain. Which the risk is 1 in 10, with the vast majority being occasional, mild pain. Rarely it can be more severe, and require surgery.

Again, compared to pissing yourself every time you cough post-childbirth? Hmmm.

Ah I see well I have quite a few long term "niggles" after 9 pregnancies and 6 births . And I put up with 3 years of almost constant bleeding and spotting on mirena before actually getting pregnant. So a little mild pain for dh seems worth it.

When DH spoke to a urologist (who he was seeing about something else) about vasectomy, he was told that he shouldn't have one because "when you divorce, your wife will go on to have more children, but you won't be able to. She should be sterilised, not you."

Actual quote.

DH has not had a vasectomy, on the basis that he refuses to let this lunatic anywhere near his nads with surgical instruments.

I am in full agreement with this decision.

As someone whose partner had far more than mild complications, I hate the way the risks are dismissed or ridiculed.

That's what they should talk about during the consultation.

I wouldn't dismiss them or ridicule them.

But they are low.

If when you went to get the pill, the GP went on and on about the increased risk of breast cancer, or the risk of stroke, you'd probably either get annoyed, or think the pill was not safe. It is taken safely by many many women. But it has risks.

Vasectomies are had by many many men. They are not without risk.

I don't think we should use the risk to put men off one of their only two methods of contraception, should they wish to use them. I think comparing that risk to the risk society feels it's acceptable for women to tolerate is fair.

My STBEH had a vasectomy 3 years ago. At the time his Dr tried to talk him out of it, saying that if something happened to me and our 3 children then he would lose the chance to have a family again! He also mentioned how STBEH might want another family if we divorced.

Nonetheless he went ahead.

We are now in the process of getting divorced and I feel incredibly guilty that he won't ever get the chance to have more children if he meets somebody else :( I would have been sterilised instead but my dr said it was too risky with the kind of gynae problems I have.

Men can walk on the moon, but women still can't get an adequate, safe contraceptive

livewyre
"I don't think we should use the risk to put men off one of their only two methods of contraception, should they wish to use them. I think comparing that risk to the risk society feels it's acceptable for women to tolerate is fair."

Are you saying that we shouldn't give men the full information?

Or that we should play down the risks to encourage men to have an operation?

frankly either view is vile

Neither.

I don't think we should overplay the risks in a misguided "must protect the men" type thinking.

Ex DH refused to have another baby but refused to have the snip. I now know that it's because OW was already on the scene and he promised her babies. Shoulda snipped him myself

And as for the question about how they support new kids, mine just doesn't bother supporting the old ones

I think it's crudely written but, there's a lot of truth in it.

Women could walk on the moon and men still don't have a reversible safe form of contraception Christina. Your point is???
I think the point in the letter is pertinent.
The NHS gets a lot of requests (which it usually refuses) from men who had a vasectomy then got divorced and met someone who wanted children.
It isn't an unusual scenario.
I agree that the woman didn't need to be mentioned in the letter and some women do seem to go for a child from every relationship.
If a man is sure he wants no more children then the letter shouldn't be a problem.

Infertility forums are full of couples having to reverse vasectomies to conceive so it definitely is something to be made aware of - probably not quite like that though.

'I feel incredibly guilty that he won't ever get the chance to have more children if he meets somebody else sad I would have been sterilised instead but my dr said it was too risky with the kind of gynae problems I have.'

Why on Earth do you feel guilty? This guy already has three kids to support, and he chose to do this. His body, his lookout.

Me and DH talked about having 2 DC. After they were born, I decided I wanted a 3rd. DH was on board. I then decided that 4 was my magic number. It took him a while before he decided that he wanted one last child so I am now pg with dc4.

After this pg he is going for the snip. If he doesn't want another child with me (which he has already stated he doesn't) even though I would maybe have another, why does he get to swan off and have another baby with someone else when he didn't want to with me. Especially as I will have had that decision taken away from me by then as I am getting older.

DH agrees with me and is more than happy to have it done.

Is the doctor foreign, op? Sounds like it was written by someone with English as a second language.

He isn't but it wasn't written by him anyway it was a letter sent with the appointment . So a general advice sheet I suppose.

www.bems.uk.com/pdfs/Pre-Vas%20Pt%20leaflet%20-%20Oct%2014.pdf

"Do not consider having the operation unless you and your partner are sure you do not want children or further children. It is wise not to make the decision at times of crisis or change, such as after a new baby or termination of pregnancy. It is best not to make the decision if there are any major problems in your relationship with your partner. It will not solve any sexual problems."

This^^ is a fair way to put it, and a quick google has most being similar.

The passage in OPs letter is just yuk.

Interestingly, many of the leaflets give 1 in 50 for the risk of ongoing testicular pain, not 1 in 10.

I think it's fair enough although maybe a bit clumsy. DH considered a vasectomy after DC2. It was actually me who raised the 'what if' questions with him.

It's a discussion that needs to be had between partners IMHO. Maybe if more people talked honestly, it would reduce the number of men seeking reversals.