To wonder when life got so... bleurgh?

[fatflaps]

Mid 30s, 2 DC under 5, married, work FT.

I'm not sure if it's apathy or depression or what but life feels a bit flat and like I scowl quite a lot.

I get frustrated easily and don't laugh very often. I guess I'm pretty uptight. I feel lazy and complacent and tired.

DH and I often rub each other up the wrong way. We haven't had sex for ages, like a year or something. I love him dearly but feel quite distant from him. I think he feels the same.

I have very little patience with the children to the point where today I've just put them in front of the telly so I can just switch off a bit. Then I feel guilty as I'm at work all week and, when I took this full time job, had intended to make the weekends all about the kids...

My parents are close by but I'm ashamed to say I'm not very tolerant of their set ways. I suspect DM is borderline narc so think I'm dealing with facing that too.

The house needs a lot of work and the work we have done is half finished.

I've just started a new hobby but I can feel the excuses to not bother going creeping in.

I find my friends hard work. Not particulate close geographically or emotionally to my siblings.

On the face of it, I've got noting to moan about (lovely family, good job paying well, nice house). Yet I am moany. There's not much joy in anything at the moment and I don't really know why. But it's not that I'm unhappy - just not specially happy either.

And i feel super brattish too as I'm fully aware that loads of people have proper/real/big/serious/devastating/tough shit going on and here's me moaning about, well, er, nothing really.

Is this normal? Does everyone else with small children feel a bit zombie-ish? I'd like to go and live a simple life on a desert island, or do something really adventurous that will really ignite some excitement. But alas, there's washing to be hung out and I need to magic something up for dinner................

Ahh Mini seriously when I'm reading ( half a chapter before I'm asleep,if I,m lucky) is the only time my brain feels "still".

Last year I just lost the ability to read kept starting then putting them down. Dismal.

Rolling I know exactly what you.mean re losing the ability to read. It's always been my therapy but I really struggle to get engrossed in anything these days.

My main source of stress atm is more elderly parents than DD although she has SATS and secondary school transition looming and DH and I have just been through a very rough patch.

I thought writing about being part of the 'sandwich generation' might be a good way to offload so I started a blog at the beginning of the year.

I haven't had time to update it yet...

Ava and Rolling

I also can't read paper books (too tired), but I can listen to audio books on my phone when I'm driving, walking the dog, shopping, and doing repetitive work around the house. It takes a bit of practice to start with but you soon get to be able to concentrate.

I spend a lot with audible but I've recently discovered Borrowbox. It's a free app some local authorities are using so you can borrow audiobooks from your library. Lots and lots to listen to now.

You're not alone....I felt the same for a while and was really frustrated that I lost part of myself....I didn't pick up a book for years which was really depressing.

I cut out wheat and alcohol for a health issue and started doing really early nights....9pm....after a few weeks I was really refreshed. I really believe that gluten can affect mental state...it does for me.

I am laughing again and off the ADs....although cringeing as I write as I'm sure this sounds like neurotic craps to most of you!

I really identify especially at the time of my life when the children were small and I was working full-time. I have recently been made redundant and although I loved my job it has made a massive difference to the pace of life and getting the house organised and kids' school stuff. I am not rushing round at a million miles an hour any more. When I was working I would literally run from the house to the car in the morning, trying to save seconds wherever I could. Shopping was a smash and grab.

I agree it gets slightly easier when the children get older because they don't physically need you so much eg taking them to the toilet, supervising everything. There is more downtime when they start using technology but then you have the battle with screens and getting them outdoors (still easier than the toddler years.)

I also agree with the pp who said that parenting was different when I was a child in the 70s. I played outside literally all day in a big gang of kids and this was the norm in my area from the age of 4. My mother didn't work or drive (did later in life) and had the best part of the day to herself as we were never there.

I also identify with the lack of reading. I haven't had the concentration for years and find even a film hard going these days. How people manage the netflix boxed sets I don't know as I don't have the commitment or headspace to sit down and watch anything.

Audiobooks!

It's better than meditation for me.

I take your audiobooks and raise you podcasts.

I cut out wheat and alcohol for a health issue and started doing really early nights....9pm....after a few weeks I was really refreshed. I really believe that gluten can affect mental state...it does for me.

When you're struggling to find time for yourself, paradoxically, one of the few things that can faithfully bring you enjoyment (wine!) can at once steal hours from you, because you need more sleep.

Such a relief to find this thread! Just knowing I am not alone in feeling the way I do about my life makes me feel instantly better.

The mention of "fragmentation of mental energy" that was mentioned upthread, as well as the overwhelming sense of expectation that we pile on ourselves a lot of the time (and that life piles on us the rest of the time) are the two things that resonate most closely with me.

"I think that feeling of not doing ANY part of your life well really adds to that meh feeling." ( missanneshirley )

Yes. That. I'm adequate. I'm an adequate mum, an adequate partner, an adequate friend and an adequate student. There's nothing I excel in and it's shit. I just want one damned thing that I'm super at.

I gave myself a goal to improve in something even if it's just keeping on top of the laundry for a longer stretch before it swamps me. So far my record is a fortnight, but we're coming in for winter so it'll be a challenge.

It's the procrastinating that's the problem... Whenever I have an hour to myself I'm so overwhelmed with tasks that I have no idea where to start.. So I naturally drift to cleaning the kitchen / unloading the washing machine. Which isn't 'me-time'... And is of course very unsatisfying.

The little projects I would like to do... I feel as though there's no point starting something (else) I can't finish... So I don't bother....

I need some inspiration!

Audiobooks sound great but too much child distraction going on to focus... When is a good time to listen to audiobooks??!

I can relate to some of this.

I've always needed a lot of time to myself, due to being a natural introvert, and with 2 preschoolers that is difficult to achieve a lot of the time, even though I'm so grateful that even the 4 year old still naps daily. Also before we had DC we had exotic holidays and travelled, and I had interesting experiences before I met DH eg working abroad. When you have a monotonous daily routine with young DC you lose your personal identity a bit it seems.

Some good suggestions already on this thread. Sometimes it only takes something small to shift your mindset and make you feel lots better. I've read that book Late Fragments, bibble, and it was pretty humbling- at least I've got the chance to watch my DC grow up.

Music- I find that when I listen to music I enjoy, especially while doing chores, it really lifts me and makes the chores far easier. Especially music from my youth!

Keep life simple- by lowering expectations and if you can afford it, outsourcing jobs. My mind boggles reading the washing threads. I really CBA to spend half of my life chained to the washing machine so until my 4 year old had just turned 4 I kept her wearing a long sleeved bib most meals to protect her clothes and mostly let her get a second wear of them, and use the look and sniff test to see if our clothes are actually dirty before washing them. Bedding only washed fortnightly, same for towels. We are honestly not mingers as bath or shower daily.

We have a cleaner once a week who irons DHs shirts (we don't iron anything else) and does a basic clean of the rest of the house, so I never need to hoover etc, just maintain what she's done. I appreciate that we are fortunate to be able to afford this and not everyone can, but I'd give up a lot of other things before the cleaner.

Cooking- I spend a couple of minutes a week doing a simple meal plan, and do Tesco online shopping which takes 5 mins and avoids wasted time in supermarket. We use the slow cooker for a lot of meals which is a godsend, on work days I chuck the ingredients in the night before and put in fridge ready.

Reading - even novels are good escapism, but I also like other books that shift my mindset and make me feel more positively about my life. I've just finished Lessons from Madame chic and its motivated me to organise more social events, just a BBQ for one set of friends and a simple tea party for another set. I defo can't be doing with the stress of a full on dinner party. It's nice to have things to look forward to and I feel on a high after catching up with friends and it doesn't happen often enough as we are all too busy to arrange things. It's also made me want to declutter and see mealtimes as more of a special event like the French do, so I will get a new tablecloth and some flowers for the table.

Sometimes I'm guilty of wishing the time away and wanting my DC to grow up but then I remember they are so sweet and affectionate now so I need to make the most of it, won't be many years until they refuse me seen out in public with me!

I try not to wish the time away, but I have 2 DC under 5 and quite frankly I can't wait until DS hits 4. DD is not precisely easy, but at least she is starting to eat more meals with less arguing, spills less, can entertain herself for hours with colouring/dolls/dressing up/Disney films. DS is 21 months and cannot entertain himself at all - unless it's by destroying something. I don't exactly expect him to - he's only little - but I can't help noticing how much easier life will be when I can reliably stick him in front of the TV or a craft or something and count on even half an hour's peace. He is utterly adorable but also utterly relentless, and has started having screaming tantrums now too, to add to the mix. The only peace I get at all is when he's asleep - thank god for naps - and then I have to start doing the dishwasher/cleaning something/hanging washing out, FFS. I also work full-time hours over 4 days (as does DH) and have no other help. DH and I are just both bone tired all the time. I cannot comprehend how it can possibly be worse with teenagers. At least they don't cling to your neck, screaming, when you want a pee in peace. Or come and howl outside the door because they waaaaant you. And they don't scream in the car or the supermarket or beg to be carried because they see you carrying the littler one. And they lie in and don't wake up at the stroke of 6, or get in bed with you in the middle of the night. And if they are upset with you, they go and sulk in their own rooms! Brilliant! And you can leave them in the house while you go for a walk/run/nip to the shops etc.

I read a lot (in snatches), solidly in the evenings once they're in bed. That helps. We are going on our first holiday since the kids were born in 5 weeks and it has lifted my mood so much you would not believe! I am halfway convinced that something is going to happen to prevent us from going now, I've built it up so much. I've also taken up a new hobby and I love it. Like someone said upthread, it's something I'm actually good at and it feels great!

Podcasts, oh yes.

True crime preferably. Tune in to some horror rather than an gating about the domestic horror that is my bathroom

"I cannot comprehend how it could possibly be worse with teenagers"

In the case of my teen spending a full 2 years with a hard fist of anger and fear lodged in my stomach every single day was infinitely worse than the drudgery and boredom of the early years.

Domestic abuse where LTB isn't an option. It's the fucking pits. I'd do the baby/toddler days 10x over than relive the last four years with dd.

I'd join in with this thread if I could be bothered.

Pfft. Whatevs.

Just STFU all of you.

Sorry to hear this mini. I have a teenager (a young one - 13.5). It's emotionally draining at time but nothing compared to the heavy lifting of toddlers IMO.

I want to empathise... I felt the same for a good couple of years. My kids are young and I found the baby years very hard. I missed my work but was in such a hardcore career that when I went back I got very stressed out managing it all (I am now back PT in a different job). I felt exactly what you describe as not feeling any joy... I felt like I was going through the motions.... Logistics rather than fun. I felt guilty as we have no money or health worries. I spent a lot of time talking to my GP as I found myself away on a fabulous holiday but not really enjoying ANYTHING. I just felt flat and low. I didn't feel depressed. I just felt "meh". I have been taking a low dose anti depressant for 3 months now and it has made a massive difference. I stress less about the "list" - I was always overwhelmed by having so much to do all th time - and now I just take things s they come a bit more and I find I am able to just let the logistics go a bit and just have some fun with the kids (mainly at weekends, admittedly). I also outsource as much as I can. I am lucky to have a cleaner and I get get to come twice a week rather than one long stint, and she does loads of laundry each time. The food shop also comes when she is there so she unpacks that. I try to keep one list of all th admin jobs, rather than doing things as I think of them (which meant I was dealing with those tasks all the time). I don't iron things - my husband takes his work shirts to be washed and ironed near his office. I don't pressurise myself about amazing home made meals. We eat simply and healthily but some nights the kids have a ham sandwich for dinner and that is ok. I try to plan to do something just me and my husband 3 times a month - dinner usually, so we can chat. Our evenings at home are so practical and he is away a lot. One thing I have started doing at weekends is something spontaneous. I have always been a "planner' but find everyone enjoys it if, out of the blue, I say "let's go to the pub for our tea, right now, and ride our bikes there". It helps break the routine and we enjoy the spontaneity. Hang in there. It will change. I am sure of it.

Young children and ft working is hard.

I read a similar thread on here about 3 years ago, and someone recommended a book called how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It has really helped me. I don't use all the strategies he mentions, but pick and choose what works for me. I am much more content as a result. It makes you focus on that which is most important to you.

Those who are also finding the early years hard might find this thread interesting/?uplifting too: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/2613733-So-what-age-is-the-easiest?pg=1&order=

This thread (link below) has completely undone me. I'm sobbing. It sums up why I feel totally evil and a failure to my DCs about my frustrations and resentment. If I had to suffer anything like this I think I'd spend the rest of my life feeling as if I'd, wasted precious time and failed my beloved DCs. And yet I struggle to find joy ...

AIBU to grieve the loss of my child in this way?
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/2617545-AIBU-to-grieve-the-loss-of-my-child-in-this-way

cakey I think you are being too harsh on yourself, that thread is very sad, but I don't personally think you should compare yourself too much with others. I have to live with ever present life-limiting illness (not mine) and you can't live every day as if it is your last, it doesn't work! You still have to get up and do laundry!

I have found having independent children who can entertain themselves makes a huge different, this kicked in when mine were about 6 and 4 and that was the worst over for me. I hate constantly 'entertaining' children all the time, love spending time doing activities but I don't then, 10 hours in, want to do finger-painting. Once they were old enough to play together without getting into huge trouble/needing watching, it was like magic. Then they get their own independent interests and now they are pre-teens they can even call for other people round their house, or my eldest goes into town with her friends. We can do family things like eating out/in or watching a movie, taking one child shopping. It's just much easier.

This is hugely liberating in terms of personal time.

Mini I hesitated to write the above as it seems the teen years have been awful for you, and with MH problems, which is the worst destroyer of peace of mind and an easy life. I'm so sorry for that, hope you have some support on MN and elsewhere.