To wonder when life got so... bleurgh?

[fatflaps]

Mid 30s, 2 DC under 5, married, work FT.

I'm not sure if it's apathy or depression or what but life feels a bit flat and like I scowl quite a lot.

I get frustrated easily and don't laugh very often. I guess I'm pretty uptight. I feel lazy and complacent and tired.

DH and I often rub each other up the wrong way. We haven't had sex for ages, like a year or something. I love him dearly but feel quite distant from him. I think he feels the same.

I have very little patience with the children to the point where today I've just put them in front of the telly so I can just switch off a bit. Then I feel guilty as I'm at work all week and, when I took this full time job, had intended to make the weekends all about the kids...

My parents are close by but I'm ashamed to say I'm not very tolerant of their set ways. I suspect DM is borderline narc so think I'm dealing with facing that too.

The house needs a lot of work and the work we have done is half finished.

I've just started a new hobby but I can feel the excuses to not bother going creeping in.

I find my friends hard work. Not particulate close geographically or emotionally to my siblings.

On the face of it, I've got noting to moan about (lovely family, good job paying well, nice house). Yet I am moany. There's not much joy in anything at the moment and I don't really know why. But it's not that I'm unhappy - just not specially happy either.

And i feel super brattish too as I'm fully aware that loads of people have proper/real/big/serious/devastating/tough shit going on and here's me moaning about, well, er, nothing really.

Is this normal? Does everyone else with small children feel a bit zombie-ish? I'd like to go and live a simple life on a desert island, or do something really adventurous that will really ignite some excitement. But alas, there's washing to be hung out and I need to magic something up for dinner................

I can totally relate to this thread. DD is 9 and high maintenance. DH is lovely. We both do jobs that we hate. I have anxiety and take medication. Life is good on the whole, and I have much to be grateful for, but I miss quiet time inside my head to day dream, read, just be. Life is a whirl of housework, homework, extra-curricular activities etc. Even worse not to have it, but oh goodness, the constant worry about their health, happiness & development is so boring!

I agree I think we - and society - expect far too much from ourselves now.
My mums generation mostly didn't work outside the home. They had groups they belonged too, whether that was a church group, or mothers group, they usually lived near family and had help, communities were closer and more friendly....although I realise I might be a bit older than some of you! :)
I am a child of the 1970s and I simply do not remember my mum ever playing with us. Ever. We were expected to entertain ourselves. In the summer out from 9-6 with a quick trip home for lunch (mum had no idea where we were but there was a big gang of 12 of us!)
No having to be perfectly groomed at all times or have the physique of a professional athlete for her!
Food was usually from a tin or packet (1970s was the age of smash and vesta curries) so no beating herself up about cooking from scratch and not being able to make gourmet food from dust and hairspray!
Mum and dad went out rarely but when they did we were left with babysitters...do people use babysitters anymore?
No trips to museums, galleries, theatre, cinema....we didn't have the money.
Ditto holidays.
But everyone we knew was in the same boat so it didn't feel odd.
My mum has told me more than once she is glad she is not a parent now.
I think we need to stop pressuring ourselves to the the " perfect" anything...wife, mother, daughter etc
Good enough is good enough.

Hello, may I join you all? It's reassuring to find you all here but terrifying. I work PT, have one DD (3) and feel like I'm at the bottom of a dark preschooler pit, the house is always a mess, the washing basket is usually overflowing, there's always washing up hanging around the sink. DH helps out but I'm responsible for delegating and nagging reminding. I just feel that there is no space or time for me and even if there was I'd be too flipping knackered to do anything with it.

Oh... and I'm pregnant, which I'm very happy about, but the light at the end of the drudgery tunnel seems a very very long way off.

to all fellow posters on this thread. Please feel free to divy up my share of the wine!

I miss quiet time inside my head

YES!!! I go for days without even being able to think in whole sentences for people constantly needing me.

Even whist typing this I've got DD pointing things out to me in the Next catalogue & DH wanging on about the weather forecast (which has next to no impact on anything we're doing next week).

I have no siblings so was used to having an abundance of 'me time' and I find it so incredibly hard when I don't get any.

DH used to work shifts and have a very active social life. Now we both work school hours term time only and he probably goes out twice a month. He also plays a sport every week but that time is earmarked for visiting my parents and woe betide me if I try to rearrange that.

This thread has at least inspired me to make the most of my forthcoming week off

• I had kept thinking to myself about all the things I should do and all the things I wanted to do but couldn't justify the time/expense, but f*ck it, I'm going to make the most of every minute!

I thought it was the menopause - there is nothing really wrong with my life except 3 DC starting puberty but I feel so cheerless.

I have to say I don't have any social media (apart from MN ) so no Facebook or Instagram etc. Due to my illness I have (inadvertently as well as deliberately) culled my friends/acquaintances to two very very good friends.

I'm sure that despite it seeming perhaps counter intuitive, this has made me happier.

On paper it seems that I would be unhappy - money worries, serious ill health/disability resulting also in the loss of my career, DC with SN, DH who is a carer for me as well as working a hard and physical yet insecure job so knackered, problems with various family members etc etc. I was saying to DH the other night I feel like being ill has made me quite self centred, all you think about some days is yourself. Yet I think the dropping away of all the external stuff has also enabled me to spend so much time just with myself that it has actually made me much more content. I'm certainly calmer than I used to be. I appreciate wanky stuff like leaning on the windowsill watching the cat in the garden.

For obvious reasons, I wouldn't recommend serious illness as a cure for people feeling stressed and unhappy and "treadmilly", but I think it echoes PP points about a lot of us being defined by external rather than internal issues.

When I rule the world I would make a law that all adults must have at least 30 mins a day completely and utterly all to themselves, and parents of small children have an extra hour each weekend. I really think it would help.

It has been such a relief to find this thread

Oh god, I thought it was just me who felt exactly like this. I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm depressed (don't meet classic criteria), just have a negative personality, or there's actually something wrong in my life I could fix. I suspect the 2nd really, but don't know how to change it. I have two wonderful DCs (5&2), a DH who is kind and supportive. a nice house (although needed completely redecorating - am 2years in to doing it all myself in painstakingly small bites during evenings and DC2's naps). Money is a worry, but it's not that that really makes my heart so heavy, it's just the crushing reality of every day life. Advice on becoming a glass half full person appreciated...

I know some people will hate this idea but when mine were younger we still needed routine at weekends
So Saturday morning I worked 9-1, dh took dcs to tesco not thrilling but necessary, the afternoon was film and pizza night
Sunday he took them swimming while I did housework , had a long bath
Then roast and more films

They're now 12 and 9 and it's a teeny bit easier but we still try to have some routine to get them off screens and out of the house

Glad I found you all, sometimes I worry I'm just miserable.

2 DCs (3yo, 1yo, SN), DH is lovely, no great inequality of effort between us, yet I still get that feeling of no let up, and drained on the weekend when I imagined we'd be off out early mornings, lovely lunch, relaxing in the afternoons etc Instead we have a lot of bleary eyed, several cups of coffee, whilst I cram the umpteenth load into the machine, if we're not out by a certain hour it's not happening, and then everywhere is busy because it's the weekend, and expensive because reasons.

I am trying to make more effort to do things as a family, like go out one day, but there's added work because of SN.

Before I was working FT I found it all MUCH easier.

But it's not just the physical effort of keeping all the plates spinning, it's the constant low level working about the kids and their needs. It's just a bit joyless at times. I agree with those who've mentioned that needing "me time" is a recent idea, but knowing that doesn't stop one yearning for more of it!

I feel so similar. I feel torn apart trying to meet everyone's needs. My own children (3 and 1), my husband's, the children in my class, my Dad's, my friends', etc. I feel soooo resentful of time taken up by random events which I then feel guilty about.

I feel like my soul has been chopped up. It just never stops. I can't pee alone or sleep alone. I had no idea that children would need my body in such a primitive way. I'm glad I managed to bf but it has been a real struggle since my mat leave ended. I long for a night's sleep.

Bloody meal planning. Takes me fucking hours. Days!! DD2 is allergic to dairy, eggs, soya, nuts and bananas. DD1 is allergic to nuts and pineapple. I spend hours scouring recipes trying to figure out what we can all eat.

I miss my second mat leave so much. I felt on top of things but I'm finding work such a challenge.

I don't feel depressed. Looking forward to things, able to plan stuff, functioning on a daily basis. I wonder if it's anxiety. I just feel overwhelmed.

It does get better. My children are 12 and 13 now and I'm generally really enjoying life. I have far more freedom to be me and do what I want again, within limits. I really wasn't good at the relentlessness of very young children, who you had to think about and tend to all the time. That and the hideous lack of sleep. I was pretty unhappy for a few years, but it's been getting steadily better starting from when they were both school age and it's pretty good now. I know people say the teen years are tough, but I find it very hard to believe that for me they will be harder than when they were 2 and 3.

Another one who can relate to so much of this. I'm not exhausted or ultra stressed, just worn down and can't be arsed and lacking oomph. And don't laugh nearly often enough. DSs are 8 and 5 and high energy. Relationship with DH pretty crap. Job intense and not going well.

I often think of this book by a lovely woman I once knew through work. It is tragic as she died young but quite beautiful - it is all about identifying meaning and purpose and the things that really matter to you deep down.

Late Fragments book

For me I've clung onto two things - reading and running - and doing everything I can to pursue them. Set up a book club with DS class mums, and entered a 10k and then later on, a half marathon. It's a bit fragile (I injured my ankle earlier this year which sent me into a downward spin) but it does give me something beyond the everyday, and it fits into my life, just.

What I know I'm missing is a good number of really strong relationships. I've let a lot of friends go as work and kids have intruded, and I don't see my own parents as often as I should. This is something I really need to work on but haven't made much progress yet.

I think dh has just learned why I can't do bloody everything. I booked the wrong sodding week for our summer holiday!!! We're staying in two places and I completely messed up the booking for one week.

Aaargh. Two upset dc and a pissed off h.

We've just booked somewhere else that looks equally good but aaaaaaarghhh.

I heard a thing on the radio where the speaker, an author I think, described how women suffer from "the fragmentation of mental energy" (she was talking about working mums), and it just really resonated with me. I don't have the time, opportunity or energy to finish a complete thought in my head, and I think that feeling of not doing ANY part of your life well really adds to that meh feeling. Op I totally feel for you and feel the same!

Parenting young children is so hard at times. I adore DD but things can feel like a real drudge. I think a lot of my friends feel the same but there is almost a stigma where you "cant" talk about it. This is why we are sticking at one DC, in my heart I would like another but fear for mine and DH relationship/my own wellbeing if we did.

to everyone out there doing their best

Can relate so much to this!

Sahm, 2 DC under 5. No family nearby. DH does at least his fair share when home but out at work 50 hours a week.

DS2 breastfeeds every hour all night long. DS1 only sleeps 9 hours a night and is very hyper/high needs/?ADHD. I am constantly tired, sometimes too tired to even face leaving the house. No one wants to socialise with us because of DS1's behaviour. No time for me, or at least so irregularly that I can't do anything useful with it. House a total tip.

I have 2 degrees and used to have a professional job, lots of hobbies, have written a book! Now I only exist to do things for other people.

I keep thinking I'll look back and regret not enjoying these years, which then adds guilt on top of everything else. But maybe they AREN'T the best years for everyone, not if you have no sleep and minimal help and children who constantly lash out and trash the place no matter what you do?

I don't have young children but am a single parent of young adult DC who still need support of a different kind
My parents are elderly and need help, I work full time in a demanding job, which can also involve some working away from home
My DP has MH issues, although we don't live together I am there for him in all sorts of ways
I have my own health issues, money is also another problem
None of these things are desperately bad individually
Sometimes I just feel like everybody wants a piece of me, but it doesn't get returned often enough
I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I'm tired of being tired and fed up of being fed up! I struggle to feel joy excitement or even anticipation much
Going on holiday soon which I really need but am not counting down like I would've once done, researching things to do, planning etc am just a bit bleurgh myself

I found the baby/toddler years utterly soul destroying Tbh

to everyone out there doing their best

Made me well up.

Great thread.

Oh I've found my akin.

I work ft 6 days a week in finance yawn but my god being the parent at the same time is difficult. It's the constant battle against time.

Get up
Get kids ready
Get to work on time
Sort out appointments at work
Finish on time to
Pick the kids up
Make dinner
Sort laundry
Do homework
Do washing up
Get kids to bed
Fight with eldest to get to bed
Watch crap tv
Go to bed
Wake up and do it all again at 7am...

My dd's are 4 and 6.

I have zero me time or downtime.

I'm glad I found this thread, I recently had 2 weeks off work sick with stress as it got too much

Oh can I join please? I,ve only got one child, work part time, elderly mother and cat, but I, m rubbish.
Everything's a fucking compromise and I don't do anything well.

OH YES I ALSO HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE !

Well, am two weeks into redundancy and currently a SAHM. DCs both at school and neither DH and I care much about the house being particularly clean so I have loads of time to myself - way too much I have discovered and I'm doing directless drifting. I don't want to spend too much money as am aware of blowing our savings and have never been in a position before where I have to rely on DH financially on a month by month basis so that's taking a bit of mental readjustment. I need something to give my day a bit of structure but don't want to tie myself to anything with summer holidays approaching (Scotland so end June).

Kids moan about what they are given to eat every meal time even though what is cooked is always based around what we think we can get down them. Walking anywhere invites shrieks esp from DC2 but I don't want to have to shell out for the bus unless we are actually going a reasonable distance. DC2 can't ride a bike yet so that's no option. The DCs have a couple of friends locally but if they are not around it's a constant battle to get them outside/off the iPad.

Basic activities like eating and moving just seem so much hassle and it's getting me down.

Can relate to a lot of this.

I've got a 16 year old with complex mental health needs, an anxious 12 year old (result of 4 years of utter horror with 16 year old) and a 10 year old with HFA. DH's job full on, and he helps care for his 82 year old dad. I work p/t but my job is self-employed and can be quite intense mentally. Work about 15 - 25 hours a week.

My big issue at the moment is my shit-tip house and garden, which I'm completely overwhelmed by. I need to find more work so I can earn a full-time wage to pay for stuff to be done in the house,, but can't imagine how I''ll cope wit f/t work, when I'm holding stuff together now in any way I could describe as acceptable. I am a massive, useless clutz.

I spend so much time every day fretting about my children being underachievers in education and trying, and mainly failing, to get them to take school seriously.

I feel really gutted that my 16 year old is so poorly educated - the result of her spending pretty much her entire time at secondary fighting with teachers, bunking off, or being in internal exclusion. She is so, so bright, but so, so ignorant.

Audio books are saving my life at the moment. I only spend a small proportion of my time in the real world.