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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think "no, not again" and not offer her a stay here

66 replies

TubbyTabby · 16/04/2016 19:23

i live in a tourist city abroad and just had a friend stay with me at my place for 10 days.
generally, it went ok and we had a laugh. but she is very untidy and her stuff was everywhere. her health is poor and she is very, very overweight so she took to the heat pretty badly and complained about various ailments frequently. she was barely able to walk by the end of her stay.

she went home last week but wants to return for a week in june. it will be very, very hot here and it will be ramadan too.

i haven't offered her stay at mine this time. i feel rotten but i don't think i want her here to stay here again. i will be at work al ot of the time while she's here but i feel i've done my share of hosting for now. i had already made up my mind that i would not holiday with her again. would i be a meanie to say no?

OP posts:

BabyGanoush · 16/04/2016 19:25

If it is not reciprocal, you are essentially being used a bit.

Do you stay at hers, ever, does she take you out when you're back in the UK?

Some people suck up your energy, avoid, just say it is not convenient.

Original poster

TubbyTabby · 16/04/2016 19:27

no - there's no need for me to stay at hers, because we're from the same town and i stay with my folks.

OP posts:

UpsiLondoes · 16/04/2016 19:27

"I've got a once-a-year max hosting policy, sorry."

FishWithABicycle · 16/04/2016 19:34

Like Upside says but a bit less like you are confirming she can come next year. How about "sorry it will be someone else's turn next time I have the energy to host someone's holiday" - that way it's obviously not her turn again until everyone you know has had a turn (could be at least 100 years!)

misswrite89 · 16/04/2016 19:38

YANBU. It was very kind of you to put her up for 10 days, there's no obligation to do it again particularly if you didn't enjoy it.

IamCarcass · 16/04/2016 19:38

Wondering why on earth she wants to come back? Suggest she goes on holiday to alaska!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2016 19:39

"It will be lovely to see you. Let's meet up for dinner one evening when you are here. Maybe we could eat somewhere near your hotel so you don't have to travel too far in the heat during Ramadan."

ChangedToday · 16/04/2016 19:43

You say you 'haven't offered' but is she actually assuming she'll stay with you? You might have to make it really clear that she's not by saying something like Rabbit suggests.

TitaniumSpider · 16/04/2016 19:44

OP, perhaps you are hoping to get a last minute holiday in June that is preventing you from making any firm commitments?

Original poster

TubbyTabby · 16/04/2016 19:48

well..... she's saying she wants to stay at a hotel but doesn't have anyone to share the cost with her. that's true. she's single and none of her other friends are available to travel at that time.

i know she's angling towards staying here with me. i haven't made any offer for her to stay here.

i think she's mad wanting to come back here again so soon. and in summer! it'll be 40 degrees plus here.

she says she wants to do more shopping and see some sights that actually we've already just been to.

OP posts:

GrumpyOldBag · 16/04/2016 19:49

Are you in Dubai?

Original poster

TubbyTabby · 16/04/2016 19:51

yeah - its dubai.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2016 19:54

Just say no. You'll be away / busy / not available can I come instead?

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2016 19:54

Don't elaborate btw - that'll just give her an in to find a way round your excuses

Taytocrisps · 16/04/2016 19:55

I wouldn't stay with anyone for 10 days. It's too long to be imposing on someone. If I was going away for a week or two, I'd stay with a friend/family member for athree or four days and then book into a hotel or guest house for the remaining period.

If the heat affected her so badly , I' m very surprised she wants to come back in June.

Gide · 16/04/2016 20:03

Does she want to melt?? Bonkers going back in June. I think she's taking the mick, actually, to ask to come again/angle for it. Not your problem if she has no-one with whom to share costs, she's only mentioned that to guilt trip you. If she chooses to come to your town, she cannot expect you to host, particularly when you're working.

I had this when I first moved to London, friends coming and dumping off their DCs while they swanned round seeing the sights! I mentioned that I was going to start charging like any other hotel (joking! wouldn't have minded the money for buying all the extra food for 2 adults and 2 kids!) and oddly, they stopped expecting it.

Sunnyshores · 16/04/2016 20:06

Oh dear, that is really awkward, but i wouldnt be able to be so blunt as some people have suggested ( unless she'd really annoyed me )

Id say something to the effect , unfortunately you cant guarantee you'll be around as you're hoping to afford a trip back home, or a holiday to x, or waiting for a friend (that she doesnt know) to confirm their visit, or something suitably vague and non argueable. But If by some chance you are around, then yes you would love to take a trip with her to x. I hope shes a reasonable person and would not push you any further.

abbsismyhero · 16/04/2016 20:08

you have someone else staying that week?

TendonQueen · 16/04/2016 20:10

I think work have been talking about sending you off on various business trips during June, so you just couldn't commit to hosting anyone as you don't know whether you'll be there or not.

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/04/2016 20:11

Dubai in June?! Crazy woman. NO.

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 20:12

IT sounds like she just wants a free holiday....

NanaNina · 16/04/2016 20:13

For all the reasons others have said I think you should put her off - 10 days is a ridiculously long time to stay with someone, especially when in poor health and not coping with the heat because of her weight. Just be straight and say you're sorry but it won't be convenient for her to stay in June. You could say the heat will be 40 degrees and you don't think she'll cope etc, but I'd keep it simple, sorry but it isn't convenient, and hopefully she won't ask again.

leelu66 · 16/04/2016 20:16

Will she be fasting during Ramadan? Crazy to go to Dubai in June if she is.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 16/04/2016 20:16

Tell she's barking mad to want to come any time after May because of the heat and to talk to you again after October. Then in October just say you have too many other commitments/guests and you can't put her up until at least Feb or March.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2016 20:17

Just say you're unavailable.

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