Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think "no, not again" and not offer her a stay here

66 replies

TubbyTabby · 16/04/2016 19:23

i live in a tourist city abroad and just had a friend stay with me at my place for 10 days.
generally, it went ok and we had a laugh. but she is very untidy and her stuff was everywhere. her health is poor and she is very, very overweight so she took to the heat pretty badly and complained about various ailments frequently. she was barely able to walk by the end of her stay.

she went home last week but wants to return for a week in june. it will be very, very hot here and it will be ramadan too.

i haven't offered her stay at mine this time. i feel rotten but i don't think i want her here to stay here again. i will be at work al ot of the time while she's here but i feel i've done my share of hosting for now. i had already made up my mind that i would not holiday with her again. would i be a meanie to say no?

OP posts:

FishWithABicycle · 17/04/2016 08:11

OP you are giving the impression that you are hoping that "making no offer" will be enough to communicate that she isn't going to be staying with you. You are going to need to be explicit.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2016 08:32

Yanbu at all, you don't have to host her. Just say oh that's nice, will love to meet up for lunch/dinner, just let me know. I can give you a list of hotels if you like. And leave it there.

Original poster

TubbyTabby · 17/04/2016 14:07

yes if she brings it up again, i'll say that i'll meet up with her a couple of times when she's here. and that's it.

we have a mutual friend here. she was the one who suggested that she come visit and then fecked off home for the whole time she was here. perhaps she can go stay with her...

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 17/04/2016 14:18

Has she stayed with the other friend previously? Suggest she stays there.

sonjadog · 17/04/2016 14:18

Well, there's your get out. You can say that having a visitor really doesn't suit you at that time but if she really wants to come, then she could ask x instead.

MrsMainwaring · 17/04/2016 15:10

I got tetchy having visitors so I refused to have them as I didn't want to spoil my friendship
Just tell her . It makes everything much clearer and saves the hassle of it coming up again
She's using you btw anyway

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/04/2016 18:19

On reflection I would tell her firmly that June is out of the question. If she found it hot previously then the June heat will prove quite unbearable and very make her ill.

Tell her it's like when you open the oven door to look at the roast - that is honestly what I'd liken it to in summer, but again, people no haven't lived with it have no idea. They think it'll be like e.g. Greece or Spain, only a little bit hotter.

MardAsSnails · 17/04/2016 18:25

I'd be partially honest with her. I've had to do it with someone who did the same. Melted in the heat in January when it was fucking raining and wanted to do July. Away from the nightmare houseguest scenario, July just isn't a time for visitors!

Lay it on thick about Ramadan - no live music, no water in the mall, no booze in the day no brunches.

Or tell her it's mutual friend's turn now.

I can't be doing with presumptive visitors!!

MillionToOneChances · 17/04/2016 18:33

Perhaps you could say that she won't find anywhere - your place included - that isn't running the AC 24/7 at that time of year...? And if she still seems keen just flat out say it's too soon after the last visit.

There is no way in hell I'd be doing without AC in that heat just to give someone another cheap holiday.

PestilentialCat · 17/04/2016 18:35

I thinks she already assumes she's coming to stay with you. she's probably booked the flights already

Be firm now - make sure she knows the air con is not negotiable in June, migraines or not. Make sure she knows how much hotter & sweatier & more uncomfortable she will be. Make sure she knows how restrictive Ramadan will be.

Tell her - don't negotiate.

DinosaursRoar · 17/04/2016 18:47

I think you do need to spell it out ot her before she buys a flight ticket.

How about speaking to her and saying that you wanted to make it clear as you think she's planning to come back in June that you've thought about it and you want to be honest, you really struggled last year in the summer with the heat, you struggle to cope day to day yourself and really don't want any guests then. If she is staying in a hotel or with friend XXXX, then you'll try to meet up with her, but it's a time you find it hard to be sociable, that it's also ramadan, which means lots of shops, bars and restaurants will have restrictions, so it's a hard time to be a tourist.

Make it about you struggling with guests, all guests not her.

DoreenLethal · 17/04/2016 18:47

'Ha ha love - nice one. Are you on glue?'

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/04/2016 18:50

"i know she's angling towards staying here with me. i haven't made any offer for her to stay here."
Doesn't matter that you haven't offered - until you make it EXPLICITLY and ABSOLUTELY clear that she will not be staying with you, she will assume she is. 'Because, well, she hasn't said no, and surely she would if she didn't want me to stay?' Seriously, that's what she'll be thinking. You need to say the word 'no'. Possibly several times.

And it would only be concern for a friend, no matter how stubborn a friend, to point out the heat in June, Ramadan and what that actually means in practical terms, and that there is no way your flat (or anywhere) is not going to be running the air-conditioning 24/7 in that heat.

AyeAmarok · 17/04/2016 18:52

I think of its brought up again you need to say no quite quickly as the longer you leave it the more backed into a corner you'll feel.

Can you not email her and say "are you sure you it's a good idea to come on June? It's Ramadan and so most places will be closed, and it's boiling hot and even the locals find it really uncomfortable. I won't be available in June either so maybe you should reschedule to a time when you and [friend] are both free so the hotel isn't so expensive and you have some company, and it won't be so unpleasantly hot"

Thefitfatty · 17/04/2016 19:05

Search www.trivago.ae and find some cheap hotels. For she can't afford Dubai during Ramadan when the prices are a quarter of what they usually are she never will. Explain to her that she can't eat and drink in public and remind her that she found it hot now, when the weather has been bizarrely wet and cool, there is no way she will cope in June.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 18/04/2016 06:05

LOL about not having the air con on because it gives her migraines. Let her try staying in Dubai with no air con in June.

Flip

1 2 3