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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think "no, not again" and not offer her a stay here

66 replies

TubbyTabby · 16/04/2016 19:23

i live in a tourist city abroad and just had a friend stay with me at my place for 10 days.
generally, it went ok and we had a laugh. but she is very untidy and her stuff was everywhere. her health is poor and she is very, very overweight so she took to the heat pretty badly and complained about various ailments frequently. she was barely able to walk by the end of her stay.

she went home last week but wants to return for a week in june. it will be very, very hot here and it will be ramadan too.

i haven't offered her stay at mine this time. i feel rotten but i don't think i want her here to stay here again. i will be at work al ot of the time while she's here but i feel i've done my share of hosting for now. i had already made up my mind that i would not holiday with her again. would i be a meanie to say no?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2016 20:19

She can angle all she likes. You don't have to take the bait. Ignore.

Arfarfanarf · 16/04/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 16/04/2016 20:38

don't say you are away with work, that just sounds like a completely empty flat you "won't mind" her staying in and a car not being used...

Next time she mentions it say you really wouldn't recommend anyone visiting between May and September because of the heat, there's a good reason the flights and hotels are cheap! Say that you'll be very busy at work and keeping unsociable hours due to ramadan (this doesn't need to be true!), it's unlikely that you'll be able to meet up, and will just want to veg when home so you hope she understands you won't want any houseguests when you are that busy/stressed, but gosh, you hopefully will be back visiting your home town in XXXX and really look forward to meeting up then.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 16/04/2016 20:38

Say you just started seeing someone and he spends a lot of time at your place lately - your reckon by next month he ll have moved in!

NickiFury · 16/04/2016 20:41

The weather in Dubai in June is unbearable. Does she realise this? Confused

MatildaTheCat · 16/04/2016 20:41

Keep it definite but vague. "I'm afraid I've got lots of family visiting at various times so I can't commit to anything. I hear hotel X is nice though you might be better off waiting until 2025 it's a bit cooler."

CrookedTiara · 16/04/2016 20:42

Someone who deals badly with heat is voluntarily planning to go to Dubai in June???

GoodtoBetter · 16/04/2016 21:17

JUst say, "Oh, I'm afraid that won't be possible". Nothing else, no excuses, just that. End of conversation. If she pushes, "No, that doesn't work for me, sorry".

Rainbunny · 16/04/2016 21:40

Why does she want to come back so soon when it's even hotter which she'll clearly find even less bearable? 10 days is far longer than I'd want guests staying. I would just say that unfortunately you really can't have her stay at your place this time and add that you'll be very busy with work during that period (if you want to dissuade her from coming).

Fauchelevent · 16/04/2016 21:48

The thing with people who are brazen enough to invite you to host them is that, ime, they're brazen enough to get around all your polite hints until you're backed into a corner. Lying about being away or having people stay can be easily found out and can cause a lot more unnecessary ball ache than being as honest with her as you can without hurting her feelings.

Original poster
TubbyTabby · 17/04/2016 03:20

she knows no-one else is coming to visit in june because i had told her. and she knows i can't take annual leave then either. i wouldn't have mentioned either if i'd had any inkling that she might be coming back within 10 weeks.

i've only just got my place back in ship shape since she left. there was a smell when she was here and it was a bio-hazard. she created a lot of mess and i had to deep clean. one of my friends called round while she was staying here but was at the pool at the time, and when she saw the mess she commented: "its hard having visitors isn't it?". yeah it was, a bit.

she loved staying here because it was free so she had more money for shopping. she also had the use of the resident's pool which she loved.

i will say she was very appreciative but 2 long stays within 3 months is too much for me. i wouldn't even be able to put the air con on much in the heat because she says it gives her migraines. my place and everything in it, including me, will be destroyed with the heat.

anyway i made no offer to her last night before i went to bed so hopefully that will put her off.

Fml.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2016 03:23

If someone told me I couldn't put my a/c on in 40 degrees I would bury them under the patio, never mind not have them stay. Why on earth does she want to come in June?

LadyB49 · 17/04/2016 03:32

Just tell the truth.
Say that you've realised that you're not good with guests staying and really need your own space, you find it too stressful, regardless of who they are.
But if she wants to stAy in a hotel you'd be glad to meet up a couple of times.

Original poster
TubbyTabby · 17/04/2016 03:59

i don't really know why she wants to come back.
she doesn't have much of a life back home and i suppose she saw the good life out here. everything was laid on for her and it was a cheap getaway.
flights in june are cheap and i think she thinks she can just pop over again.

she is very stubborn and its nigh on impossible to change her mind when she gets an idea into her head. i don't think she realises how unmercifully hot it will be here. the sweat was visibly rolling off her last time and she was very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
CrackerChops · 17/04/2016 04:07

Wow, I used to work in Dubai and I can remember how unbearable the heat was in June - especially when the A/C broke down.

You say she is stubborn - well two can play at that game. Put your foot down, OP!

bittapitta · 17/04/2016 04:47

What's the Mumsnet phrase: "No is a full sentence"?

You should definitely go down the route pp have suggested of saying it'll be lovely to meet her for dinner near her hotel. Don't budge on it, don't feel obliged. she can holiday elsewhere, she only just had a stay with you, you don't owe her any more hosting. Yanbu at all.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 17/04/2016 04:57

OP I met a lovely woman and her teenage son on a cruise 18 months ago. They are the nicest of people and by not seeing past their very excessive weight other people missed out on a lot. We've since met up in various locations quite a few times even though they live in Europe and I'm just down the road from you. They were here for a day a couple of months ago when it was cool, they arrived off a cruise, and I met them. . We had a great time but as the day wore on they struggled badly which is why Im struggling with not being able to nip up the road next month and have a week with them in Dubai. I will be away on holiday elsewhere. I honestly don't know how they're going to manage and I'm kind of scared for them. And not just for their health. Theyre going to attract attention as well. And I think that's what's bothering me the most. That my lovely friend and her son will notice people staring at times.

Anyway on the back of this thread I'm going to try and give her some hints on how to avoid chafing and not so sweet smelling breasts after a day in a bra which as you know are things even people at a good weight have to think about here at times.

Re your friend - I woukd just say I don't recommend that you come here in the middle of Ramadan, let alone a summer Ramadan, but if you Are going to go ahead with it then let's try and meet up for dinner one evening.

I think if you say that she might not come and if she does it will probably be her last holiday out here as she'll get the message that it can be a very lonely place to be anyway, let alone if you're hindered by something and going solo.

We get loads of visitors but if you don't live by my standards you'd not be invited back so I wouldn't have her back either to be honest.

TheMaddHugger · 17/04/2016 06:08

I know that kind of heat well. And I am roughly as round as I am High/tall.
She's Not thinking clearly about this, at all

Just say NO. If you try to explain why Not, she will take it as an opportunity to negotiate.

OzzieFem · 17/04/2016 06:18

She can't afford a hotel, but can afford two return trips from UK to Dubai in two months? Who is she trying to kid?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 17/04/2016 06:53

There's a reason why flights are cheap in June ...

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/04/2016 07:01

Is she aware of eating/drinking in public restrictions during Ramadan? If not, I'd tell her, and lay it on really thick.

We lived in the Gulf for many years and I would never have dreamt of having guests from the UK other than in winter - December was the favourite for everybody's folks to visit - lovely weather. The summer months were often murderous, terribly humid at times, as well as stinking hot. We wouldn't even go to the pool till 5 or 6, and it was too hot to walk barefoot on the beach. And we were used to it!

It would have been May or June, but I once left a little dd in the car for just a few minutes while I charged back into her school at lunchtime, for something she'd forgotten. When I came back you'd have thought someone had dunked her in a swimming pool - soaked with sweat.

People who haven't lived with that sort of heat have no idea. I would tell your friend firmly that only people who absolutely have to, visit that part of the world in summer, and that's why so many Gulf nationals who can afford to, clear off to cooler climes for a few months.

leelu66 · 17/04/2016 07:14

I think you need to be prepared to say no to her. She may invite herself regardless of the fact you haven't invited her.

You're not obliged to have her stay every year either. If she's making your place a bio hazard, I would never let her through the door again.

It's sad she doesn't have much of a life but she is taking advantage of you.

Vaara · 17/04/2016 07:15

Don't bend. I had this when I lived in a tourist area abroad. People would no way ring you if you lived in the the uk and invite themselves for weeks at a time - it's rude.

Tell her you've got to work and won't be available to ferry her here there and everywhere either.

Esspee · 17/04/2016 07:55

I lived in the Caribbean for 14 years so am used to heat but will only go to Dubai up to the middle of April. The time I was there for my birthday at the end of April it was verging on unbearable unless you were going from Hotel to car to destination and I am guessing your friend will not be driving. (you haven't mentioned she has a death wish). Holiday packages are cheap during the hot months so if she really wants to go back you can warn her of the pitfalls and agree to see her one Friday during her stay. It will be her last visit.
As to shopping being cheap she must be buying Chinese knock offs. I was last there in February and everything is more expensive than the UK except petrol.

Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 08:01

Honestly you have more than extended your hospitality, you do NOT need to feel guilty.

You don't have to say 'no', you just have to resolutely not invite her. If she gets to the point of directly asking you say 'So sorry can't do it this time due to various boring reasons, like work etc'