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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope an adult might have noticed

99 replies

QueenofLouisiana · 15/04/2016 19:15

That DS sat and ate an apple and a buscuit for lunch. No drink, no lunchbox as he'd left them at home.

He didn't want to make a fuss so didn't ask for a school dinner or ask the office to contact me. He found some fruit in the classroom and a friend gave him a biscuit.

I'd realised he'd forgotten his lunch and rung school to tell them he'd need a lunch and that I'd drop the money in that afternoon. It was only discovered he hadn't eaten when I tried to pay.

He's in yr6, so yes it is my/ his fault- not the school's. However, no-one noticed a complete lack of food. Are they missing children for whom this is an everyday event- not a one day cock-up? Would you flag this up?

OP posts:

Bragadocia · 15/04/2016 20:43

In Reception, I think it was in the first term, DS dropped his lunchbox - when he unzipped it, his yogurt was over everything and he had nothing to eat. There were only 80 kids in the dining hall, and no one noticed. It was very upsetting to know that he hadn't eaten that day.

I feel for you, because it's horrible to realise that your child has gone hungry, but I think the response from the school would be similar to the responses on this thread.

mouldycheesefan · 15/04/2016 20:53

Secondary school?

If your child won't tell someone he forgot his lunch,, how would he ever tell someone he was being bullied? You desperately need to work on his confidence.
And no, I would not expect adults at secondary school to notice what individual children are eating. It's not 1-1 supervision and plenty will on.y eat an apple and a biscuit on a normal day.

Help your son develop the confidence skills he needs.

Outcomesthebunnyofdeath · 15/04/2016 20:55

I think you're having an unnecessarily hard time over forgetting a lunchbox OP, surely we've all forgotten things? I've had to go back a few times before with lunchboxes, coats etc. We're not all infallible like many posters on this thread clearly are.

YABU to think the school should have noticed.

YANBU to expect your son to have been told he could have a school dinner after you realised and called up and explained.

But yes, your son could have said something. Bless him, I remember being scared to "make a fuss" when I was younger. He'll get better at it!

paxillin · 15/04/2016 20:55

I would expect the school to notice with really young ones, but not Y6.

That said, you are right, it is worrying that kids for whom this is an everyday occurrence might be missed. I imagine such kids become even better at hiding it because by 10 or 11 they might be embarrassed by their parents' inability to care for them.

soapboxqueen · 15/04/2016 20:58

Lunch tables are generally crowded and it can be difficult to tell at a glance who has what when they have packed lunches. So if he was actually eating something, I wouldn't expect the lunch staff to pick it up. However, I might have a word about the office staff not passing the message on. Question is, did they know that he didn't know? They may have assumed you'd told him about the change in arrangements on the way to school so assumed he'd just get the lunch.

EweAreHere · 15/04/2016 21:03

He's 10 or 11 years old, more than old enough to take responsibility for himself at school and tell someone if he was hungry.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/04/2016 21:03

Yanbu.

Given the not insignificant amount of attention being given over the last few years to issues with neglect and other things with over 8's (no more than under 8's but it's an age group that for years have been missing attention from services for these sorts of issues) one would think that an establishment with a duty of care towards every single child registered and a responsibility for reporting potential safeguarding issues would notice something like that.

How many child who don't have lunch where the parents don't contact the school and the child is programmed not to speak up are being missed by the very people who are meant to raise concerns.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 15/04/2016 21:05

How many MNetters get frothy over the lunchbox police?

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2016 21:08

What a load of pompous nonsense, Needs! The child missed one lunch; except he didn't really because he managed to forage some fruit and biscuits...
How much one to one pampering do you imagine Year 6's need?

RoosterCogburn · 15/04/2016 21:08

I teach Y6 and if they didn't tell me I wouldn't pick up on the fact a pupil hadn't had lunch.
They are dismissed from class and toddle off to lunch - we have two sittings I don't monitor them.
If, however he had told me I would have organised food for him.

My class are such a bunch of nosy parkers someone else would have come to find me and ask me to sort out lunch even if the child concerned didn't want to.

Wellthen · 15/04/2016 21:14

needs you are continuing the theory 'this child wasn't noticed' to an absurd conclusion. A child who regularly has no food is far more noticeable, it flags up thoughts in your mind:
Every time I see him, he's eating and apple...I wonder what else is in his lunchbox.
Why does she never have a sandwich?
How come it only takes two minutes for her to eat?
Etc etc. Teachers and MSAs do notice this stuff. To suggest they dont because a usually well fed and happy child had less food than usual and wasn't immediately swooped on is hugely insulting to people who's job it is to care for children. They probably did notice and thought 'that's odd, i'll look out for it another time'

Oh and also, the ridiculously fucking obvious: a child not having much lunch ONCE is NOT a child protection concern. THAT'S why it wasn't 'followed up'

I can't stand mn sometimes
Thread 1: no one noticed my child's bruise/lack of food/cough/sadness - what if they were being ABUSED?!
Thread 2: A teacher noticed my child has bruises/no lunch/is sad - they will probably go and contact social services, idiots, don't they understand not all parents are perfect!

SquidgeyMidgey · 15/04/2016 21:17

Schools do notice when something is wrong. A child in my school is given a (large) hot lunch daily. Note the word given. No fuss just done.

cleaty · 15/04/2016 21:28

I was very shy and would not have said anything to a teacher at this age. My mum would have told me it was my fault for not saying anything. Because she did not swoop in, I had to learn to speak up.

Agadooo · 15/04/2016 21:30

Def agree with mouldy cheese-needs to learn to speak up as almost at secondary school and I'd worry he would find it difficult to speak up if it was something important

5Hearts · 15/04/2016 21:31

I wouldn't be concerned about this, especially as he did have an apple and biscuit, he is in year 6 and I presume finished school at around 3 pm and could eat then.

My son came home from school very hungry at age 10/11 twice having had no lunch (different reasons) and in both cases he has the opportunity to do something about it and chose not to. He learnt from it and it hasn't been repeated since.

Ameliablue · 15/04/2016 21:43

Well the kids that age at my dd's school are allowed to take their lunch out to the playground, in which case I would think it highly unlikely that an adult would notice. However, if you have rung in with a message, I would have expected your son to be told.

Alexa444 · 15/04/2016 21:51

Makes me laugh though that they don't notice things like that but if someone has the audacity to bring a sweet or cake, they're like bloodhounds.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/04/2016 22:24

How do they know it is not a frequent occurance? someone shouldn't need to have something happen lots and lots before they are asked

Aducknotallama · 15/04/2016 22:56

At my school this would be noticed but we are a very small school and teachers undertake lunch duty so sit with the children.

Witchend · 15/04/2016 23:07

My lunch at that age was a drink and a digestive biscuit from my choice. Very glad the school didn't decide I needed more as I struggled to eat that

MedSchoolRat · 16/04/2016 15:53

DS had a long spell of refusing breakfast & sometimes lunch, too. What was anyone supposed to do to make him eat? I decided that unless he fainted with hunger then it really didn't matter. Why give him more attention for it? He started eating plenty again.

GoblinLittleOwl · 16/04/2016 16:25

But he was eating; he ate an apple and a biscuit.
He didn't want to draw attention to himself and make a fuss.
Good for him.
And I bet he won't forget his lunch again.

Mousefinkle · 16/04/2016 16:52

He won't die. He's 10/11. It'll teach him a valuable lesson, bet he never forgets it again.

curren · 16/04/2016 17:01

Yabu but you know that. He is almost ready for high school where people won't notice if he doesn't eat his lunch everyday.

He was seen eating. He wasn't seen without anything in front of him. If anyone looked. He was eating.

If you think he has extra needs, make an appointment at the secondary he is going to.

I don't expect a school to ensure year 6 have eaten all their lunch.

In reality, he wasn't going to starve or get ill because he had a small lunch.

LazyMilk · 16/04/2016 17:11

I would have expected the office to maybe pop to him and let him know a dinner had been sorted for him, how else was he supposed to know?

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