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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope an adult might have noticed

99 replies

QueenofLouisiana · 15/04/2016 19:15

That DS sat and ate an apple and a buscuit for lunch. No drink, no lunchbox as he'd left them at home.

He didn't want to make a fuss so didn't ask for a school dinner or ask the office to contact me. He found some fruit in the classroom and a friend gave him a biscuit.

I'd realised he'd forgotten his lunch and rung school to tell them he'd need a lunch and that I'd drop the money in that afternoon. It was only discovered he hadn't eaten when I tried to pay.

He's in yr6, so yes it is my/ his fault- not the school's. However, no-one noticed a complete lack of food. Are they missing children for whom this is an everyday event- not a one day cock-up? Would you flag this up?

OP posts:

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/04/2016 19:39

Valuable lesson before starting high school in September. Staff cannot check that every individual child is eating at all times; maybe the times a supervisor looked at him he was eating (i.e. his apple and biscuit). The fault, if any, lies with whoever you spoke to on the phone who didn't pass the message on. Ultimately, Y6 children need to take a bit of responsibility for themselves... no school would have left him under if he'd spoken up.

lostscot · 15/04/2016 19:39

I really would have expected yr 6 to speak up and let someone know. I try to keep a eye on the older ones and cast a eye over most of them to make sure they have had enough to eat but to be perfectly honest we are usually pretty tied up sorting out under the younger ones.

redcaryellowcar · 15/04/2016 19:40

Firstly I think it's odd that having called they didn't fag this with the ds, then if I at say sighting light heartedly that if turns out the 'lunchbox police' are not quite as vigilant as we had imagined!

ilovesooty · 15/04/2016 19:43

Surely water is available so he didn't need to go without a drink.

wheresthel1ght · 15/04/2016 19:44

I think some people are being a bit harsh here. My Dss is a very shy boy and lacks confidence for a variety of reasons and had he done this he wouldn't have had the wherewithal to tell anyone.

Your ds has a very kind friend to have shared some of his lunch and whilst the school won't have take notice because they are older kids and expected to be able to manage.

My biggest concern would be that when you rang no one from the office thought to go an tell him and that it what I would be raising with the school!

Slarti · 15/04/2016 19:44

YANBU

I understand what pp have said about it being his responsibility to ask but considering the OP rang the school and asked them to provide a lunch you would expect them, as the adults and loco parentis, to take the lead and at least let him know that they will do so. To not really follow up the OP's phone call at all is a bit lax.

Jofo · 15/04/2016 19:50

Lovely that a friend shared a biscuit with him but I would have expected a child in year 6 to take responsibility and ask an adult.

PoodlesOfFun · 15/04/2016 19:51

A child who was repeatedly coming in without a lunch would probably be noticed.. but a child who is seen eating (even just an apple and a biscuit) isn't going to be noticed. They aren't going to monitor how much one child is eating. If you are watching a room full of children and you glance and notice one boy eating something at some point you won't know what else he has eaten or not eaten.

A lot of children might not choose to eat more than a biscuit and an apple anyway so probably not unusual.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2016 19:54

No one noticed a complete lack of food. He had an apple and a biscuit, so to anyone glancing his way he was eating something .

Not an ideal lunch, but what do you expect school to do - rummage through each kid's lunch box to make sure all the five food groups are represented? If he cared enough he would have said something.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 15/04/2016 19:55

How will he cope in mainstream secondary if he can't speak up to solve a simple problem in a small school he's been at for years?
Why didn't you know he'd not got his lunch? Don't you check his stuff for school; water bottle, coat, PE kit, homework?

But yes, of course. Pass the buck, flag it up with the school and maybe he can sit with the reception children and have his lunch monitored with them.
One hour to feed everyone in school, and a minimum number of staff who tend to concentrate their attention on the youngest or neediest.

Original poster

QueenofLouisiana · 15/04/2016 20:04

Ok, I am being unreasonable. I haven't said anything to school- although there was some squirming in the office when I tried to pay for a lunch he hadn't had.

I did point out in my OP that it was my fault he didn't have his lunch, but clearly no-one on MN ever forgets anything, except me.

OP posts:

yumyumpoppycat · 15/04/2016 20:06

I think the office staff should have passed on a message to your child via the teacher to ask for school dinners but I prob wouldn't flag it re the lunchroom staff tbh - they cant possibly monitor what ll the children eat to that extent esp if he was eating something during the lunch (apple and biscuit) they prob have kids that regularly have an unsuitable lunch and they would be the ones they monitor esp by year 6 your son would be off the radar I imagine.

NotJimbo · 15/04/2016 20:06

YABU - which other adult's responsibility is this? He's old enough to take some responsibility for this, also, it will have done him no harm to miss lunch just once.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 15/04/2016 20:07

Of course we all forget stuff, but we also take responsibility for it rather than looking for someone else to poke with a sharp stick.
But seriously, what are you going to do to help him deal with secondary? Because he really sounds in need of support.

GrumpyOldBag · 15/04/2016 20:10

That's nothing. On his first day in his new school DS, in Year 2, completely missed lunch. The kid who was supposed to be looking after him just left him behind in the class room. No-one noticed, least of all the class teacher. And I didn't find out until 4 years later when they joked about it at the leavers' assembly.

Still furious.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 15/04/2016 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 15/04/2016 20:12

What he doesn't eat will be noticed even less in secondary, so it's important that he learns things he can do to fix a problem like missing lunch.

Not giving you a hard time. I was a dinner lady too busy to keep eye on what big ones ate... & I had kids who barely ate anything if they could get away with it.... and I forgot DS sandwich once, too.

Original poster

QueenofLouisiana · 15/04/2016 20:16

What are we going to do when he goes to secondary school? Fuck knows. We've finally got an appointment to get a few 'niggles' checked- auditory processing and tracking for a start. We've spent a long time being told he's fine and he'll grow into having a memory (but mine's not great).

He tends to think that he'll get into trouble if he asks for help with stuff like that or that he can 'sort it out' somehow. Long term there's been no problem- I'm hoping it might stick in his head next time he realises he's forgotten his lunch.

And yes, before anyone else piles in to tell me- iabu.

OP posts:

gpignname · 15/04/2016 20:23

Honestly, please let it go. Sometimes kids or parents (or even the busy office staff who took the call) forget things - he will learn from this, by being less likely to forget next time and by you encouraging him to talk to someone about what to do if something similar happens again. He had an apple and a biscuit - to be honest that is all some kids have some days anyway so it is not the end of the world just for one day. I would say to him well done for finding some fruit, and give him something (nice biscuit or piece of cake or whatever) to take in tomorrow to thank his kind friend.

wavingnow · 15/04/2016 20:23

Gosh people are being horrible here. I'll say no more except they are.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2016 20:25

Why does he think he'll get into trouble if he asks for help? Are you working on this?

TheSolitaryWanderer · 15/04/2016 20:30

How about doing some work with him on 'What If?' scenarios?
So you give him a theoretical problem, and you help him work out what he could do to solve it, within his parameters. If he doesn't want to talk or ask an adult, which friend could he as to speak for him?
If he forgets things, or find it difficult to remember and organise, what about checklists and reminders? Physically recorded, so he can use them independently?
He's got a term to build up strategies to help him cope in a strange school, with children and teachers he doesn't know. Please don't waste it.

SquidgeyMidgey · 15/04/2016 20:36

I don't think YABU. I've forgotten things, and yes your DS needs to learn to pipe up, but if you called the office and they said they'd take care of it then it's not U to be annoyed if they didn't. It is a bit unrealistic to expect what is probably a skeleton lunch staff to notice he didn't have his usual lunchbox, they would have picked it up if he was sitting with nothing, but he wasn't.

MyQuaterLifeCrisis · 15/04/2016 20:39

It's easy to forget things sometimes. Bless him for not making a fuss. At our school they use parentpay (cashless system) so if you forget, the child is always able to get 1/2 days of school lunches no problem. I sometimes send DC with lunchboxes though - once DS 'couldn't find' his (he prefers to have school meals like his friends) and the teacher said 'oh well, you'll have to have a school lunch today!' so doubt they would let your child go hungry.

MadSprocker · 15/04/2016 20:41

Do you know, they actually learn really quickly how to cope with difficult scenarios, once they get to secondary, I have a ds in yr8, and part of yr7 was about asking for help (in tears) when he realised his bag had gone missing, and what to do if his credit ran out for lunch. Though I did write a snotty email, when he hadn't had lunch one day because of a change of music tuition. The only time I've done it though!

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