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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to arrange to have a phone conversation / Skype at a specific time that suits me?

25 replies

lottielou7 · 14/04/2016 21:13

I know this is AIBU but please try to be a little gentle - I think this is the appropriate topic.

To give the backstory I have AS and i get hurt and fed up sometimes with people thinking I'm weird or getting frustrated with me and it's hard for me to understand why because I don't think like NT people. I have 3 children and two of them have SEN so I have very little time to myself.

So, I was talking to a guy on Tinder and were provisionally arranging to meet. I orignally suggested we have a Skype conversation and I asked him if we could do this at 7pm the next day because my children would be out and it would be quiet. After this he got really annoyed and told me I'm 'weird'. So my immediate response was ok, goodbye then.

I am the same with phone calls and meetings. I like things to be arranged in advance, whoever it's with. Is this unreasonable ? I'm not sure whether NT people do things on the spot more than me.

OP posts:

PPie10 · 14/04/2016 21:15

I think tinder isn't the right place for you.

Paintedhandprints · 14/04/2016 21:20

I don't really like unexpected phonecalls and would prefer to plan a specific time for skype calls. Especially now I have young dc. Prefer to text really because then I can choose when/how to respond.
I think you may have had a lucky escape with tinder guy if he's calling you wierd however.
I don't have any sen as far as i know either, just antisocial.

Lazyafternoon · 14/04/2016 21:21

YANBU.

My friends, siblings, sometimes even my mum I'll WhatsApp or text and ask if it's ok to call at a particular time. I have always hated long phone calls unless I know about them. I'm always worried if I phone someone for a catch up it's not a good time and they might be in middle of dinner, or things need to get done etc. I much prefer to plan around them and make sure it's convenient!!! Maybe that's why I've lost touch with some friends, I don't do spontanteous phone calls.... but my good friends know what I'm like! They might think I'm weird for texting to ask if it's ok to phone. But that's the way I prefer :-)

redexpat · 14/04/2016 21:21

No not UR. Especially at work. You can get all the right documents etc ready and gather your thoughts. But not everyone is like that. Did he know your have children?

Original poster

lottielou7 · 14/04/2016 21:23

Oh yes, he knows the situation about my children - I explained it to him.

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 14/04/2016 21:23

Yanbu I'm not AS, I don't think any way, but I like things to be arranged and Woe betide anyone who is so much as a minute late.

TattyDevine · 14/04/2016 21:24

I'd definitely want a bit of advance time for a Skype call with a Tinder bloke. I'd want to make sure the lighting was flattering for a start!

And I am NT. (Though almost definitely weird)

Original poster

lottielou7 · 14/04/2016 21:26

He wanted to have a Skype conversation at 10pm one night when one of my daughters was stressing and crying about her exams. I told him this and he just didn't understand.

I end up thinking its me . It's so stressful.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottielou7 · 14/04/2016 21:41

Btw when you say tinder isn't the place for me what do you mean?

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 15/04/2016 00:54

I don't think he was the right match for you.

Isn't Tinder more for people wanting quick hook ups? Perhaps some of the other more traditional online dating groups might be a better option for finding someone?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/04/2016 01:00

It's not you. He's being pushy, it's making you doubt yourself. He's not the right guy for you.

80sMum · 15/04/2016 01:02

Not at all unreasonable, OP. I would feel exactly the same in those circumstances.
I don't actually like answering the phone, even when I can see that it's my mum or one of my DCs calling; I just don't 'do' spontaneous at all, I like to know in advance what's happening and when.

Itinerary · 15/04/2016 01:30

YANBU. He's ruled himself out, so now you can find someone more suitable

CwtchesAndCuddles · 15/04/2016 08:25

It's not you!!! Be thankfully you're found out what he is like so early on and before you waste any more time on him.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/04/2016 08:31

Your request was completely normal and reasonable. Sounds like he is too selfish to accommodate someone with children.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/04/2016 08:46

With situations like your Dd's upset and much else, the other person doesn't have to understand, they just have to believe you. I think that's quite an important principle.

Sometimes, often, spending time and energy explaining a situation or feeling to someone else is not a good use of anyone's time, they just need to accept that it is real and important to you. They should want to spend their energy thinking about how to accommodate your need - not seeking to understand the issue at an inconvenient moment. Especially if their purpose in wishing to do so, is to judge whether your response, your stated need, is acceptable, with the possibility of dismissing it if it isn't.

Of course, in general, it's nice to be understood and to spend time with people willing to try. But in a spirit of supportive curiosity, not one of judging whether your needs and feelings are acceptable before being willing to act to support you.

Ameliablue · 15/04/2016 08:57

No Yanbu and if someone responds this way, he is most likely not some one you would want to meet up with.

curren · 15/04/2016 09:00

Yanbu. But I don't think this has anything to do with you having AS. It's about him.

I find Skype calls have to be arranged. I would not sit somewhere public skyping someone on my phone.

The fact that he got annoyed when you were dealing with your child and couldn't Skype. Suggests he is either a knobhead, who won't ever be happy with your kids coming first or just doesn't get what life with kids is like.

Either way, doesn't sound like he is the man for you.

Personally, i see tinder more as a 'hook up' site. Rather than a relationship or dating site. People I know on there aren't looking for anything more than someone to sleep with.

If you want to online date, you need accept there are a lot of knobheads about.

PPie10 · 15/04/2016 09:19

I meant that I don't think you are going to find understanding people on tinder op. This guy clearly showed you very quickly his true colors.

gandalf456 · 15/04/2016 09:25

I think he's the weird one. I am NT but I hate the way some people are with the phone. The phone in my house is for me and I decide when it's convenient to take calls from it. Same goes for Skype, mobiles, Facebook whatever. With all the technology at our disposal, people still act as if it's 1970 and you have to answer the phone there and then because you don't know who it is and, short of calling round or posting a letter, you don't have any other way of messaging people.

Certainly, if you work and have children to put to bed or cook for, you do not want a Skype conversation coming crashing into it. Why would anyone want to talk to someone who is clearly busy and can't give you their full attention anyway??

Having a pre-arranged time (because we can do that now in 2016) is sensible and it means you can enjoy the conversation and talk for as long as you want without interruptions.

ClopySow · 15/04/2016 09:28

He just sounds like a typical pushy online dating bloke. I don't think your requests were unreasonable, not even a little bit.
He's absolutely the wrong match for you if he can't understand that your children are more important than skyping him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/04/2016 09:30

Your right op he's wrong whether your or anyone else is on a spectrum you asked for reasonable he gave you attitude.

BuunyChops · 15/04/2016 09:33

TOTALLY NOT YOU!!

The fact that you put your daughter needs over some randomers wants makes you a good Mum and his not able to see that makes him a prick.

2016ismyyear · 15/04/2016 09:51

Tinder is full of people wanting casual hook ups. If that not what you want then maybe it's not the best place for you.

Original poster

lottielou7 · 15/04/2016 10:40

Thank you for your support. I feel a bit better now that I found out what he was like before meeting him. I always end up second guessing myself.

OP posts:

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