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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a dog against DH's wishes?

69 replies

OneKidney · 14/04/2016 16:37

When we first got together I told DH of my intentions to buy a dog when we moved in together. He agreed. When we moved in together he changed his mind and said no. Now he won't even consider or discuss it. I've brought it up numerous times, I'm so desperate for a dog and he won't hear any of it. Now to rub salt in the wound he and his ex wife had a dog and he never told her she couldn't have one. In a discussion about something else I asked why he'd done something when he didn't want to (regarding his last marriage) and he said "well you have to compromise in a marriage don't you, I couldn't expect to have everything my own way" yet with me he does??
When I've brought up the fact that he had a dog with his ex he simply says "that was different, I wouldn't want a dog tying me down now".

I'm feeling quite bitter about it. AIBU to say that this is something he's going to have to compromise with ME on? I would take 100% responsibility of it. Surely I should be allowed to make these types of decisions too? It's starting to feel like he respected his ex's feelings and decisions much more than he does mine.

OP posts:
Quimby · 14/04/2016 16:40

Dog lover here.
I think that while frustrating it's completely unreasonable to bring an unwanted pet of that size in to the house against a partners wishes.

So I think yabu but get why it sucks

DonkeyOaty · 14/04/2016 16:40

Yabu sadly

Costacoffeeplease · 14/04/2016 16:42

Yabu - you should never bring a dog into a household where not everyone is on board with the idea

Original poster
OneKidney · 14/04/2016 16:42

Thing is on a weekend DH doesn't want to know me. He busies himself in the garage or spends time with his adult kids and basically I find myself wandering around the house bored wishing I just had a dog to take out. Same on an evening, he just sits at the computer all night. On my days off in here alone bored. It would mean so much to me and he doesn't care.

OP posts:
RNBrie · 14/04/2016 16:42

Sounds like he learned from his dog mistake in his previous relationship... I don't think you can bring a pet into a household where one of you is totally against it. I'd leave my dh if he did that to me.

I'm not sure how you compromise either, you either get a dog or you don't, you can't half get a dog.

I guess you need to talk more about it and then work out which is more important to you, the dog or your dh....

GinAndColonic · 14/04/2016 16:43

Yabu I'm sorry Sad

GinAndColonic · 14/04/2016 16:44

Could you become a dog boarder with a company and dogs could come on holiday to you? The way you are not tied down Flowers

curren · 14/04/2016 16:45

Yabu.

I had a dog. I adored my dog.

Would have another. I don't want the responsibility of it.

Just because he compromised with someone else over this, doesn't mean he will make the same mistake again.

Sounds like the relationship has a few issues. Stop comparing your relationship to the one he had with his ex wife.

LineyReborn · 14/04/2016 16:45

Ditch the DP, get the dog.

It sounds like a bit of a crap relationship tbh.

curren · 14/04/2016 16:45

wouldn 't have another

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/04/2016 16:47

I doubt it's about respecting the ex's feeling more than yours. Far more likely to be about having direct experience of what's involved and realising it's not something he wants to do again.

Original poster
OneKidney · 14/04/2016 16:47

Thing is I suspect it's the breed of dog I want. Because I have my heart set on a German shepherd (have always adored them) he says no outright. When a friend was going on about her puppy boxer dogs and I jokingly asked if I could get one he asked how much they were etc and seemed to be considering it

OP posts:
MLGs · 14/04/2016 16:48

Sounds like you have more problems than just the dog if he doesn't want to know you on weekends.

BarbarianMum · 14/04/2016 16:49

So he does his own things evenings and weekends. Are you OK with that? Sounds like the dog would be a sticking plaster.

Delacroix · 14/04/2016 16:50

Ditto what Liney said.

He ignores you, doesn't want to spend time with you, lied to you by initially claiming you could get a dog, now feels he can condemn you to weekends of lonliness while he sits smugly thinking 'I win'.

Ultimately you can only have the fibbing, distant husband or a dog, and the dog sounds like better company.

FreshHorizons · 14/04/2016 16:51

YABU
A dog deserves to be wanted in the home.
I would look to your relationship, that seems to be where the problems lie.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2016 16:52

You 'never see him' of a weekend and during the weekday evenings he's sat at the computer ignoring you. And you're with him because……..?

Frankly, you'd get more out of a relationship with a dog than you're getting with him. That being said however, never bring a pet (of any kind) into a home where everyone isn't on board. It's a recipe for resentment and possible mistreatment of an innocent animal, even if that mistreatment is 'just' yelling at it or shoving it away.

Do you work and have you considered how the dog will be cared for when you're not home? You won't be able to expect your 'd'P to do diddly-squat.

airside · 14/04/2016 16:55

You say you would take 100% responsibility but that can't really happen. He would have to interact with it and it would affect him if you had to be home at certain times to feed or walk the dog. Holidays mean kennels or friends being helpful and last minute getaways become problematic.
You also seem to want a dog for evenings and weekends. They need care and attention the rest of the time too. And lovely as any dog can be, they don't fill a hole in a relationship.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/04/2016 16:56

If he can't be bothered with you at weekends get a dog and dump the husband.

He sounds shit. Dogs are better.

pigsDOfly · 14/04/2016 16:58

Does sound like you're the one making all the compromises here OP. If he's never around what difference is a dog going to make to him?

At least with a dog you'd get a bit of company.

Agree with pp sounds like you're problems are deeper than the dog issue and it sounds like you're lonely. I know what it's like to be lonely in a marriage, it's horrible.

I'm much happier by myself with just my dog.

InlandTiger · 14/04/2016 16:58

YABU

A dog is a member of the family, you can't force one on him in his own home if he doesn't want it. Particularly a big dog like a German Shepherd!

I like dogs but wouldn't want to live with one. They make the house smell, create mess, shed hair, make holidays difficult, use up your time etc. Insurance and food are expensive. They're a big commitment and everyone in the family needs to be in agreement.

Also do you have DC? I wouldn't trust a dog around small children, particularly a GS.

It sounds like you are lonely/bored and want a dog for companionship and something to do.

Will he compromise and consider another pet instead?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/04/2016 17:00

And you are with him because????....
Seriously?
He doesn't spend any time with you.
From the sounds of it he won't discuss or compromise on big decisions with you.
What is the point of him?

How about suggesting a smaller dog.
A German Shepherd is a big dog and can have big problems later in life.
People are often scared of them and he may be.

Suggest a smaller dog and see what he says.

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/04/2016 17:03

He sounds horrible.

Ditch the husband and get the dog!

BastardGoDarkly · 14/04/2016 17:05

I second getting rid of him in favour of a dog, you're never lonely with a dog Flowers

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 14/04/2016 17:06

I agree, swap the husband for the dog, it'll be better company!