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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy a dog against DH's wishes?

69 replies

OneKidney · 14/04/2016 16:37

When we first got together I told DH of my intentions to buy a dog when we moved in together. He agreed. When we moved in together he changed his mind and said no. Now he won't even consider or discuss it. I've brought it up numerous times, I'm so desperate for a dog and he won't hear any of it. Now to rub salt in the wound he and his ex wife had a dog and he never told her she couldn't have one. In a discussion about something else I asked why he'd done something when he didn't want to (regarding his last marriage) and he said "well you have to compromise in a marriage don't you, I couldn't expect to have everything my own way" yet with me he does??
When I've brought up the fact that he had a dog with his ex he simply says "that was different, I wouldn't want a dog tying me down now".

I'm feeling quite bitter about it. AIBU to say that this is something he's going to have to compromise with ME on? I would take 100% responsibility of it. Surely I should be allowed to make these types of decisions too? It's starting to feel like he respected his ex's feelings and decisions much more than he does mine.

OP posts:

summerdreams · 14/04/2016 17:37

I agree dump the guy, buy a dog.

merrymouse · 14/04/2016 17:38

Neither of you need compromise. You can have a dog and he can not have a dog. You just can't live together.

SpareCrust · 14/04/2016 17:40

Gosh, we adopted a rescue dog a year ago and although it was really wanted more by dh than me it had to be a joint decision. (I got to choose too!) And although it turns out that dog is a bit of a bloke's bloke and has thoroughly "latched on" to dh (even though I spend more time with him as I'm the one at home -I'm not bitter oh no) , I wouldn't dream of not doing my share of walks etc. In fact I do the majority when dh is away (which he often is!).

Can't believe that there are husbands out who refuse to pitch in, particularly when their other halves are ill .

And anyway, I think potential issues with aggressiveness and guarding can sometimes develop in households where the relationship with the family dog is very unbalanced ie the dog becomes loyal to one main person and starts "defending" that person from the other members who don't interact with it.

Really feel for you op. Really unfair of your dh to go back on his word.

elementofsurprise · 14/04/2016 17:53

YABU to buy a dog.

Adopt one that needs a loving home.
Listen to PP's about the 'D'P...

BMW6 · 14/04/2016 17:55

YABU - but you should ditch the DH.

Seeyounearertime · 14/04/2016 17:57

I never quite get the "I'll take full responsibility for it" attitude towards pets TBH.

you can't have a living, breathing, drooling and dirty thing in the house without everyone noticing, same goes for the dog.
But even if it is your dog, a dog lives almost 20 years, what if you get ill? what about holidays? what about vet bills that can run into 1000s
I honestly don't think you could keep a dog without it impacting on every person in the family and not just the house. iyswim.

glasg0wmum · 14/04/2016 18:00

This isn't about a dog.

This is about you being unhappy in your marriage.

wonderingsoul · 14/04/2016 18:06

Wow... there are some reall men haters on here...

Hes horriable you should ltb all beacuse he doesnt want a dog...

So what he had a dog before.. thats a moot point.

Hes allowed to change hed mind too.

Ny exh did this.. just brung a dog home.... after i had said no i was livid but hey what did my feelings ir thoughts matter..

I get that its disapointing but shit happens. Can you dog walk.. or even at a push see uf your dh will foster dogs so the responsibility isnt all hes/yours

ABetaDad1 · 14/04/2016 18:10

I grew up with many dogs. We had 40 at one time!

My parents never went on holiday. I have friends with dogs and they have huge problems with boarding kennels, vets, grooming, who takes it for walks, etc.

I would not have a dog even though my wife and children mention from time to time they would like one. I know what a burden they can be and I know I would be the one dealing with it. My DS2 really adores dogs but as he never tidies his room and spends all day chatting to his mates and gaming and if not that then sport and school he would never have any time for it after the first 6 weeks. DS1 is likewise engaged in other activities and is terrified of dogs. DW doesn't like touching dirty things or mess of any kind.

All in all its a bad idea unless everyone is on board and a dog is like having a permanent toddler for 15 years.

I have to say its also my thinking you might want to get some friends, an outside of home hobby and go out more and leave DH to himself. It does not sound much of a relationship and a bad idea to get a dog as a cure.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/04/2016 18:12

I would not bring a dog into this household. I would, however, leave this household and set up my own (and then maybe have a dog).

Your problems are not whether to have a dog or not. Your problem is whether you have a relationship or not. On what you have said so far on this thread, I don't think you do. Or at least not one worth a damn.

What are this man's good points? You mention his adult children, what about you? Do you have children? Children with him? How financially independent are you? Are you in a place (mentally) where you are willing to think deeply about your life now and what you want from the rest of your life?

greatscott81 · 14/04/2016 18:14

Have you seen the website Borrow My Doggy? Might give you the chance to get out with a dog but maintain your relationship. Similarly, Guide Dogs for the Blind often look for walkers. It may also give your DH the chance to see that dogs aren't so bad after all . . .

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 14/04/2016 18:26

"I told DH of my intentions to buy a dog when we moved in together. He agreed. When we moved in together he changed his mind and said no"

That's not very fair is it. Has he explained why his "yes" turned into "no"? And have you explained how unhappy you are that you feel ignored a lot of the time?

Tightywalterwhities · 14/04/2016 18:26

Relationship issues aside if you stay with your DH you will either have to come to terms with not having a dog or compromising on the breed of dog. YWBU to get a dog despite him saying no.

It does however sound like you have some serious issues in the relationship and it sounds like the dog would be a 'band aid' to make staying in the relationship more bearable for you.

FurryDogMother · 14/04/2016 18:33

Why not foster a dog - there are loads looking for temporary homes, so you'd be helping out your local dog rescue at the same time as having the experience of living with a dog, without the long term commitment. It could change your DH's mind, or yours :)

MyLocal · 14/04/2016 18:51

I was on your side until you said you wanted a German shepherd. Big dogs, lots of excercise, house could be a bit whiffy, very tying, need an experienced owner etc etc. i would be more sympathetic to a smaller dog, rescue, needed less excercise, easier to find care for at holiday time, less likely to give you a dog smelling house, etc etc to me, animal lover with dog and cats here, and Alsatians next door. There is a world of difference between a whippet cross and a German shepherd.

Greyhorses · 14/04/2016 18:55

I would rather have the shepherd than the man

SabineUndine · 14/04/2016 18:55

Can you borrow a dog to walk at weekends? It's not the same as having one of your own, but as a cat lover, I can understand the space you have in your life.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/04/2016 18:59

I'm with element - definitely don't buy one!

Ditch the man, rescue a dog and be happy.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2016 09:20

Hes horriable you should ltb all beacuse he doesnt want a dog...
Wonder have you actually read the OPs updates!?
This is not just about the dog.

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