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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy a dog against DH's wishes?

69 replies

OneKidney · 14/04/2016 16:37

When we first got together I told DH of my intentions to buy a dog when we moved in together. He agreed. When we moved in together he changed his mind and said no. Now he won't even consider or discuss it. I've brought it up numerous times, I'm so desperate for a dog and he won't hear any of it. Now to rub salt in the wound he and his ex wife had a dog and he never told her she couldn't have one. In a discussion about something else I asked why he'd done something when he didn't want to (regarding his last marriage) and he said "well you have to compromise in a marriage don't you, I couldn't expect to have everything my own way" yet with me he does??
When I've brought up the fact that he had a dog with his ex he simply says "that was different, I wouldn't want a dog tying me down now".

I'm feeling quite bitter about it. AIBU to say that this is something he's going to have to compromise with ME on? I would take 100% responsibility of it. Surely I should be allowed to make these types of decisions too? It's starting to feel like he respected his ex's feelings and decisions much more than he does mine.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 14/04/2016 17:08

He doesn't sound very nice. Leave?
Or volunteer for Cinnamon Trust. Dog walks but no ownership.

CauliflowerBalti · 14/04/2016 17:08

Get the dog. Leave the man. He sounds like an arsehole.

GooseberryRoolz · 14/04/2016 17:09

He sounds like miserable company.

Roseberrry · 14/04/2016 17:09

How much do you like him? Get a dog and lose the husband.

Seriously though you would be very unreasonable to get a dog of that size without his consent. I bet he'd come round to a fluffy little thing though.

fruitlovingmonkey · 14/04/2016 17:10

Get rid of the husband and get a dog. A dog will love you more.

GoneClubbing · 14/04/2016 17:10

YABVU

hollyisalovelyname · 14/04/2016 17:11

If I were you I'd dump the OH, get a dog and enjoy the rest of my life. After all you only get one shot at it - it ain't a rehearsal.
Does your partner ever consider YOU ?
How you feel?

Eliza22 · 14/04/2016 17:11

I've always wanted a golden retriever. DH didn't want another dog (had them with ex). He eventually agreed on the understanding that it is MY dog. I am responsible 100%. One year on, he meant it! It doesn't matter.....we all love her and can't imagine life without her but.....DH has stuck to his guns. He doesn't "do" the dog, in any fashion. I haven't had a lie in in 10 months. When it's throwing it down at 10pm, it's me who takes her for her last round the block walk. I'm the one who plays/feeds/walks/brushes/trains/cleans up after, her. However, it was DH who allowed her onto the sofa (and occasionally, the bed!).

And she is so, so worth it!

cuautepec · 14/04/2016 17:12

German shepherds are among my favourite dogs, but they have such a bad problem with their hind quarters, I would never want one. Personally I'd go for a nice mutt in the hope of avoiding genetic problems. Totally misses the point

Lumpylumperson · 14/04/2016 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milkbottle · 14/04/2016 17:16

Please just ditch DH and get a dog. Dogs are so much more rewarding than men. And your man sounds like a bit of a dick anyway.

HidingUnderARock · 14/04/2016 17:21

What sort of dog did he have with his ex? If it is a fear of big dogs then maybe he will admit that and you can both compromise.

Otherwise, I do agree with Liney, he lied to you when you made clear you would want a dog when you moved in together.
Ditch him and get the dog.

Stormtreader · 14/04/2016 17:23

What would happen if you said "Im feeling that we dont interact much at the weekends or in the evenings, and I've decided I need that to change. Would you rather help make plans for us interacting more, or shall I get a dog to give me something to occupy me while youre on the computer or out at the weekends?"

Because essentially thats the reason you want a dog by the sounds of it - you need more interaction and his choices are him or the dog providing it.

Hillingdon · 14/04/2016 17:24

I get the impression you have never owned a dog or been brought up with dogs. You are doing what lots of people do, get a dog you like the look of! I was not brought up with dogs and we had no pets when growing up.

My DH always wanted a dog and I agreed so 20 years later we have a rottie. We both love her and when she goes upstairs we will get another one, however they are a real tie. When DH is away its me that goes down at 0500 to let her out because she is now old and cannot last all night. She scratches at the doors. She smells a bit funny. She drools and she has a rottie stare which some people find unnerving!

GSD's are beautiful dogs and so intelligent but they are often 1 person dogs. What if the dog took a dislike to your DH, or she wasn't good with other dogs meaning she had to wear a muzzle? Have you got children?

In some ways they are like children except they never grow up and always need you every single day of their lives.

Goingtobeawesome · 14/04/2016 17:25

Have you told him you've changed your mind and want a boxer?

Hillingdon · 14/04/2016 17:26

Sorry, it looked like I said we waited 20 years to get a dog. Not true. When we got married we got a small dog (lived 10 years) and now we have a rottie (is 11 years old).

daisychain01 · 14/04/2016 17:27

I would sort out your relationship with your DH first, before bringing an innocent third party into it

If your DH disengages with you so much you need a dog for company, then that's a red flag in your relationship a dog cant fix.

ScrumpyBetty · 14/04/2016 17:28

I recently adopted a rescue dog and my DH agreed although on the understanding that it was my responsibility. I love it but it has been hard- as another poster said, you never get a lie in, and you can never have an early night, as you have to take them out for their night time wee! I was recently poorly for a week and it was the worst, having to walk the dog not just twice a day, but take her out morning, afternoon and night- when all I wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep! So it is hard work having a dog and having complete responsibility, have you considered how hard it will be doing everything yourself, never sleeping in, having to walk the dog when you are ill etc?
Ultimately though, of your DH doesn't want a dog then you have to respect his wishes I'm afraid.

Hillingdon · 14/04/2016 17:28

Boxers are clowns until they go to Rainbow Bridge. Bundles of energy and such comical faces. They just make you want to smile too but honestly - your house will never be the same again

SpareCrust · 14/04/2016 17:28

Could you possibly compromise on the breed and go for a boxer? That way you will have both compromised together. They are fantastic and extremely loyal dogs. (They can be stubborn and go through a very lively puppy/adolescent stage though so you need to be able to cope with that.)

Hillingdon · 14/04/2016 17:30

I have a friend who got a dog because the children begged for one. Needless to say they have lost interest. The husband was totally set against the idea and said if they got one he wouldn't help, take responsibility for it or walk it.

1 year later he has been as good as his word...

SpareCrust · 14/04/2016 17:31

Hillingdon agree they are best kept, er, where there is plenty of space!

TattyDevine · 14/04/2016 17:33

I don't like the way he changed his mind the second you moved in together. If the agreement was that you could have a dog when you'd moved, then you should be able to have one. If he'd said no before you moved in together, you may not have moved in with him.

Would you be willing to move out and get a dog if he doesn't relent? i.e, which is more important? If it's him, fine, but then you will still have resentment because he moved the goal post.

shockthemonkey · 14/04/2016 17:33

Definitely don't like the sound of your DH, but agree it would be unreasonable to bring a dog into a home where the DH seems likely to kick him while you're not looking.

The suggestion above does seem a neat solution.

TheCrumpettyTree · 14/04/2016 17:36

You've got much bigger issues here than the dog. Which YABU about.

You need to sort out that your dh doesn't want to spend any time with you. Or ditch him and get the dog.

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