Should I tell them our side aka the truth?

[justkeepongoing]

This is very difficult to post but I really need to off load and get some advice...here goes!
My F is currently in hospital suffering with a stroke and dementia as a result. Sadly his long term partner has also passed away, very unexpectedly, this week. We've had limited contact over the years primarily of his doing but also because of the way she treated myself and my siblings and also my mother, verbally and in writing.
To cut a long story short we believe that my father led his late partner to believe that our mother had chucked him out without anything to his name. The reality is that he left my mother ( wasn't consistent in seeing us, his children) and lived with another woman for a further 8 years, whose daughter called him Dad, who threw him out with nothing(my mother actually put him up at this point but due to his bad behaviour-drinking/inappropriateness asked him to leave as I felt uncomfortable). He told my brother many years ago, when he first got together with partner, never to tell partner about OW!
He then took up with my grandmothers neighbour and they've been together until she passed away. We've always been incredibly close to his sister my Aunt as is my mother. He has actually distanced himself from his whole family.
Now the problem my sister, brother and I are having to deal with matters ( brother is sole executor) and their neighbours who have been 'their rocks' - their words are being very cool with us. F has obviously spun them a tale over the years but his inability to support my siblings or I has left us feeling very upset. We know all the facts they know his version.
My dilemma despite it being a difficult time do I enlighten them?
I'm prepared for people to say no but I'm now in my 50's and I feel that we are the ones who should feel aggrieved having had a shit childhoods!
Incidentally the neighbours were added to an amended will at the beginning of the year. In all honesty everything will now go on his care as is the right thing and we've never had any help from him so why start now!
Thank you for reading.

Oleo yes you're right.
We've always said that we would never lower ourselves to instigate such a conversation, but obviously, we're articulate enough to defend ourselves should we be provoked.
All I'm asking in AIBU is should I defend myself if the need arises. I know that it's a no brainier but I'm essentially a people pleaser and cannot bare the thought that people think untruths about myself and my family.
I feel incredibly fortunate to be so close to my F immediate and extended family. I think that this speaks volumes.

Special wind your neck in.

Your situation is not the OPs situation, wanting to not be judged and asking if she should tell the neighbours that the story they have heard is not the whole truth, doesn't make her as bad as a man that left his family and lied about it. It doesn't make her a bad person at all!

I'm sorry about your situation, but you are extraordinarily naive if you think that being elderly and ill immediately changes the way you think about a person that has wronged you.

Anyway......

OP I don't think you're wrong to want to get things off your chest, if you do I would say something now just in case the neighbours are the type to wait and then start accusing you of all sorts. I would also not go into details - it's not their business, all they need to know is that the charming man they knew was not the man you knew as a father. He was barely a father.

I don't think anyone is honour bound to support their parents through illness and old age just because they are their parents. As a parent you very much reap what you sow and if you have failed to be a supportive, loving and ever present figure in your children's lives then you can hardly complain when they are not falling over themselves to build bridges in your old age. If he's vulnerable and needs to OP and her siblings now that's hardly the point, is it?

There's a big difference being going out of your way to punish an old man or get revenge on him for past behaviour to just remaining civil but distance and no more involved than you need to be.

Between not being

I think QuerkyJo is right. You may know it to be the truth and your father's version lies, but if you tell them they are quite likely not to believe you. And then how does it affect their opinion of you? They'd (a) think you were a liar and (b) possibly judge you very harshly for saying negative things about a man who can't defend himself. For some people it's almost taboo to speak ill of those who are at the end of their life or passed away.

You have every right to feel aggrieved about your experiences with him. I know it is horrible to feel judged for something you're innocent of, but they don't know about your upbringing, it shouldn't matter what they think. Your dad is their friend, it's normal and understandable that they believe their friend and stick up for him - it's what friends do. It doesn't invalidate your own experiences of your dad. You've seen a completely different side to him, you know him better - fine. But imagine if a good friend of yours was very ill and her daughter started telling you what awful things your friend had done in the past. How would you react to that? Who would it help?

Stick to a one-liner about closed doors as PP have advised.

OP, you could ask for this to be moved to Relationships where you'd be less likely to get argumentative responses.

It isn't shit stirring ffs special, I agree with previous posters you need to wind your neck in.

Why on earth should op have to put up with people being rude or looking down their noses at her because of lies her father has told them without being able to defend herself?

Correcting people's misconceptions isn't shit-stirring at all. It's a difficult time for her and her siblings too, they'll be having to face conflicting emotions and past feelings brought on by their father will be brought to the surface for them to live and deal with again. It will be much easier to do this without their fathers 'friends' looking down their noses and making them few uncomfortable about (untruths) of how they treat their father.

They are well within their rights to correct people and point out that what they have been led to believe is wrong and their is two sides to a story. Who the hell are you to tell them they aren't and berate them for not want to live the rest of their lives being wrongly painted the devil?

OP I hope you're okay, the vast majority of the thread thinks that you are entitled to say something. Don't let one rather odd perspective drown out the majority of reasoned posts.

Wishing you well in a difficult time.

Aside from the emotional questions about how to deal with the neighbours I do think you and DB need to seek out some legal advice, particularly as the family was estranged.

As your DF is not dead the fact that your DB is executor of the will is neither here nor there at the moment. You may not legally be entitled to represent or deal with DF's affairs whilst he is still alive, particularly if there is a property to sell. Did the long term partner of your DF have a will or any family?

With due respect, the neighbours may be concerned that decisions about your DF's future are not in his best interests. It does sound like you are trying to do the right thing, but as you have not been part of his life for a long time it would be sensible & caring to include neighbours in what is happening, particularly as they are the beneficiaries to the will. They could potentially litigate if things haven't been handled properly and your DF dies soon.

My DH and our DS believe that his partner was also possibly a victim of his duplicitous lies and that is why she behaved towards us as she did.

Special you say the father is vulnerable and has no way of defending himself blah blah. How exactly were the OP and her siblings able to defend themselves against whatever bullshit the father was saying about them to the neighbours? This is their chance for a right of reply if it comes up.

And talking of vulnerable - young children with a shitty dad and disrupted home life are pretty vulnerable too.

OP - YANBU at all to tell the neighbours your side of the story if the opportunity arises.

I've been in similar situation OP and I couldn't not say anything. It put the cat among the pigeons but was the right thing to do in my case, and I can't see any reason why it wouldn't be in yours either.

I did not get the impression that the Op is suggesting to have it out with her father, is she? confused

Your correct. And it was obvious from the opening post it's not what she intended to do but I guess Special just can't help herself. She's on a roll and that's it.

Is Special the alcoholic with the H in hospital? I've seen her being nasty to OPs on quite a few threads probably drunk

I agree it's ironic in the face of the support she's received.

At 18 I started a professional training. At the time I needed lots of books etc. DM had no money so I asked my F. who had just started this shiny new relationship for a little help. I got a letter back from his partner telling me never to ask for anything again but at Christmas or birthdays. Well needless to say I've never asked or expected anything. In the end my Saturday job colleagues clubbed together.
Don't know why I'm telling this but it just gives the bigger picture.

Yes, respond with the truth. However, don't expect them to believe it. If they've never had to depend on your df then they won't have seen how irresponsible he is and sadly, people can''t bring themselves to believe how neglectful some parents can be. I think that little bells will be ringing for them in their minds but they'll be ignoring them and choosing to believe the easier version - the one where he was wronged. Not the truth.

It can drive you a bit crazy thinking how much you all hurt and struggled due to his neglect, but he gets away scot free. However, he has not got away with it. You have risen above it and done the right thing by him. You have shown him compassion. He on the other hand has shown little compassion and as a result missed out on having the joys of fatherhood. He probably had issues all through his lifedue to his irresponsible and selfish behaviour. One of the consequences is that now his neighbours may hear the truth about him. That's his fault, not yours. You should feel no guilt about the truth, because it was a circumstance forced upon you by his behaviour. Neglect and abandonment are forms of child abuse and so you are feeling shame, guilt and probably just want his love - the one thing you'll never be ableto have because he is not able to give it.

It's frustrating, but after he has gone you shouldn't have anything more to do with these people as they aren't relatives. Just tell the truth and if they refuse to believe it, which is highly likely, continue to rise above it.

If they say anything to you then do correct them. I had a similar situation last year when complete strangers felt it acceptable to chastise me for not visiting my father when he was dying. He was a wonderful neighbour by all accounts, helpful and friendly and apparently could always be relied on when someone was moving a sofa or building some furniture.

They didn't see he violent alcoholic side of him that I did. They don't see a mark on their hand every day from an injury he deliberately inflicted when I was 5 or 6.

People can airbrush the past for themselves if they wish, or believe the sad stories of abandoned parents, but the children have the right to correct wrong assumptions if they wish.

It's not revenge to correct untruths.

Tell the truth if there's an opportunity to tell the truth, but equally I'd welcome the neighbours help and support - they obviously want to see him and have done a lot for him in the past, so it's nice that they want to continue to be involved with the tough stuff now.

That doesn't mean you have to sit there and accept any side-eye from them though! and yes, keys back.

And take care of yourself and your siblings. The way you write about them is lovely and this is obviously drawing you even closer together - I hope that's a small comfort during this tough time.

Special NonOperations, you are bang out of order!

I had very similar with a hideously abusive father and neighbours he played the "poor little old man" with. Tempting as it is, I wouldn't bother saying much as folk like this will have created their own narrative and almost certainly won't listen anyway

You must get he keys back, however ... or even better, change the locks. If you want an easy way out, tell them you're not sure who else he's given keys to and you need to ensure security

It depends why you want to do it, if it's out of spite for him being a liar and generally a shit dad and a shit husband then don't, it won't make you feel better and you'll probably regret it. If it's to clear the air, help you move on etc then do it but in the right way. Don't do it just to prove he's a git

Hmm difficult one. Don't go looking for a fight with the neighbours but absolutely stand up for yourself!

I don't know where you're based but a couple of things you might want to consider (having been in a similar situation in the past):
-Power of medical attorney: is your F able to make medical decisions for himself or has his stroke left him unable to do this? If he cannot make medical decisions for himself then I would strongly recommend that your brother applies for this. This means that absolutely nothing can be done without your brothers permission unless it is a medical emergency. It also means that you can ask the doctors to not discuss his treatment with anyone other than those who hold the power of attorney.
-the amendment to the will: again it will depend on where you are based but as you said most of this will go to your F's care. Neighbours could fight against it but it's highly unlikely they would get anything from it considering the circumstances. Might be worth getting a legal opinion on it though.

Hope every goes as ok as can be expected in this situation.

I would be honest with them.
But I think it would be very wrong to cut out his neighbours. They are in reality the people who seem closest to him, so of course they should be involved.

I don't think the neighbours are really the issue; they're incidental and I wouldn't bother explaining unless it becomes relevant. The issue is your shit father has left you clearing up his mess and you'll never get what you'd really like from him now...acknowledgement of his failure to you and your siblings. I can sympathise. Do whatever you need to and try and let the rest go.