Should I tell them our side aka the truth?

[justkeepongoing]

This is very difficult to post but I really need to off load and get some advice...here goes!
My F is currently in hospital suffering with a stroke and dementia as a result. Sadly his long term partner has also passed away, very unexpectedly, this week. We've had limited contact over the years primarily of his doing but also because of the way she treated myself and my siblings and also my mother, verbally and in writing.
To cut a long story short we believe that my father led his late partner to believe that our mother had chucked him out without anything to his name. The reality is that he left my mother ( wasn't consistent in seeing us, his children) and lived with another woman for a further 8 years, whose daughter called him Dad, who threw him out with nothing(my mother actually put him up at this point but due to his bad behaviour-drinking/inappropriateness asked him to leave as I felt uncomfortable). He told my brother many years ago, when he first got together with partner, never to tell partner about OW!
He then took up with my grandmothers neighbour and they've been together until she passed away. We've always been incredibly close to his sister my Aunt as is my mother. He has actually distanced himself from his whole family.
Now the problem my sister, brother and I are having to deal with matters ( brother is sole executor) and their neighbours who have been 'their rocks' - their words are being very cool with us. F has obviously spun them a tale over the years but his inability to support my siblings or I has left us feeling very upset. We know all the facts they know his version.
My dilemma despite it being a difficult time do I enlighten them?
I'm prepared for people to say no but I'm now in my 50's and I feel that we are the ones who should feel aggrieved having had a shit childhoods!
Incidentally the neighbours were added to an amended will at the beginning of the year. In all honesty everything will now go on his care as is the right thing and we've never had any help from him so why start now!
Thank you for reading.

If you can't summon up compassion when someone has had a life threatening stroke and is confused with resultant dementia, lost their partner, then you are not the right people to help him.
The neighbors sound close, they are in his will. Perhaps with your inheritance secure, people who like him, might be a better option. He can't have been that much of a loser if he has anything to leave.

Naught I cried many times as a little child as I adored my F. My DB and DS both cried when he didn't turn up their respective weddings despite being invited . We all cried when he failed to turn up to see us despite promising ( I used to tell my DM to call the hospital as I thought he'd had an accident).

Special money does not make us man.

Don't you think there might be a reason why he did these things. If you can't forgive him, and get past your own pain, please don't be hurtful to him now. If you can't love him and be gentle, then leave him be.
He will be very confused.

I agree that there is no need to go out of your way to enlighten them, but if they say anything then you don't have to let it go by uncorrected.

Someone mentioned that the neighbours don't deserve anything for having been friendly with your dad. I agree, BUT if ever you end up clearing out his stuff one day, it would be kind to offer them some trinket of his to remember him by, or a photograph of him. You could remove everything of value and then invite them to choose something from what is left. I was once the neighbour, and was gutted that I had nothing to remember my friend by. She had been like a grandma to my children. I'd have been happy with any cheap little ornament off her shelf. We didn't even have a picture of her because she'd hated being photographed.

Um Special, way to go on the victim-blaming. What reason can you think of why a man might abandon his young children and have nothing to do with them, despite their apparent wish to still have him in their lives and clearly NOT holding a grudge? Or for that man to pretend to everyone else that he is the wronged party? Because I am finding it hard to think of a situation where anyone might want to justify the poor behaviour of an absent parent....

OP, I think you sound admirably forgiving and understand your wish to want to make sure people don't have the wrong idea about you and your siblings. I'd try to correct the wrong impression if it was me and I'd go with correcting people whenever anything was mentioned that needed to be put right.

Good luck.

Saracen yes it's good to offer possessions to those who have been close. We did this with my DFIL when he died suddenly in August. His neighbour was very touched.
Special don't worry I have no desire for any possessions and I'm not sure what spin he put on why he didn't go to the weddings.

I would certainly correct them if they said anything which was incorrect. I would also want to keys back.

However I'd want the neighbours to continue to be friends with your father, visiting him etc as that will be nice for him. You don't want him to be left with no friends.

just, you can say your piece calmly without it being driven by revenge.

Nothing good for the living comes out of lies being allowed to stand. I'd say it's wrong to allow someone to smear you without at least trying to correct the falsehood. You aren't a doormat.

I don't think you need to be vengeance here, and personal feelings of anger and hurt can be dealt with later on your own or with support. But stating what actually happened is the right thing to do, something on the lines of 'well what Dad told you isn't the full story, there was drinking, other women and he treated immediate and distant family in a rather different way".

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He can't have been that much of a loser if he has anything to leave.

How very naive. Some people get stuff to leave by being utter sods and ripping others off. If you think that having money to leave makes someone a success and a decent person, then that's a deeply distorted view.

Lies like this about family members can persist for years and blacken names with unexpected consequences. They are very hard to put right too. The OP doesn't sound like she wants to do this out of some vengeance, but from a justified desire to put the story straight

OP I'd ignore Special. If someone treats you like shit for years and years you are in no way at all to show them compassion. He was awful to you when you were vulnerable I'd do the bare minimum.

My father was a cheater, alcoholic who could not care less about his children. His alcoholic friends were his beneficiaries in his will which was fine by me and my siblings as we wanted nothing from him. None of us visited in hospital, called to see how he was etc as were just not interested in someone who had shown us no respect, love or care in whole entire life.

At his funeral a couple of hundred miles away form where we lived we did indeed let people know that he had been awful to us and especially our mum. This was only said after we had listened to his friends tell us what a great bloke he was blah blah blah. Our reply was 'he may have been to you but to us he was an abusive alcoholic who frequently cheated on our mother, drank our money away, leaving us without food, stole from our money boxes, and my mother had to work 3 jobs to keep us from starving'. I couldn't stand to listen to anymore of their bullshit about a man who was so selfish and awful.

I'd mention it when they start bleating on about how lovely he was as, I like you, could not stand the judgements placed on us having nothing to do with him as we had very valid reasons. I also think they thought we would try and get his money but we weren't interested he'd never provided for us in life and we wanted nothing to do with his money in death.

bake I agree. Incidentally even my DM has visited him in hospital in the past despite all he put us through!

Op, I think it would be more than reasonable to correct any misconceptions that come up in conversation with the neighbours - I do not see that as 'revenge' or spiteful in any way.

I did not get the impression that the Op is suggesting to have it out with her father, is she?
Good people suffer at times, and bad people suffer at times - most 'bad' people of course are simple hapless and self-centred and inadequate in taking other people's needs (often including their children's) in to account. That does not give them a get out of jail free card in term of what gets said about them.

I had a lovely childhood compared to many of the things I read on MN, and I have a fair bit of personal and professional experience with stroke and dementia - yes, I agree, the Op's father is now beyond recrimations, but equally she has every right to correct assumptions based to lies he told previously.

justkeepgoing, wishing you strength

I was disapproved of by people for a similar reason. After my lovely dad died my awful mother remarried. She spun this fantasy world to her new husband and his family about the life we shared together.

So many times I wanted to call her on it. Tell them what a shit life we had. My brother has had very little contact over the years, but I continued to be her whipping boy for another 40 years. We both suffered the disapproval from family and neighbours.

If you want to answer them, I would advise you not to go into any detail, Just say that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors'.It is unlikely that outsiders would believe you if there was proof. Keep your dignity and be very firm about not engaging with them. Also you do not owe them explanations.

As for them wanting to be involved in his care and making decisions about his future, that is not going to happen unless they hold PoA. The local authority will only speak to the relatives if the person lacks capacity to make his own decisions.

Special you do seem to be projecting an awful lot from your own current circumstances. I don't think that is at all helpful for the OP.

It's aibu, opinions are allowed here. In my opinion she is being very unreasonable.
If she doesn't want the money, can't be compassionate, then surely she can realize now is not the time for recriminations.

special believe it or not I would never say anything to my F. I believe that I am a person of compassion. The only people that I would correct are those that treat us with disdain for no reason as really there's even more to this which is very personal and has no place on here. Incidentally his DS was gutted that he didn't come to the weddings and was as hurt as my DS And DB.

Thank you Mnetters, there's two sides to every story and I've opened a very painful place in my heart to you all and appreciate your replies.

just It you sound like you are approaching this in a very measured and sensitive way. Despite all the pain you have been through and have currently.

yes, perhaps saying 'you don't know what goes on behind closed doors' but no details is better.

special Im sorry that you're obviously in a difficult situation but please don't go start accusing the OP of being vengeful and going in for character assassinations. That's a very weird view of someone whose father has abandoned her as a child, neglected her and badmouthed her.

She's still trying to ensure his experience of dying is as alright as it can be. If that isn't decent behaviour, I don't know what is. She -is- entitled to put her own side to stand against his misrepresentations!

Should read DSis

Special she really isn't being vengeful or vindictive, she's not bad mouthing her father she's just wishing that neighbours who know nothing about her situation as w child stop judging her and her relatives on a one sided story.

You say you've had to deal with an estate yourself resently don't you think the neighbours interfering and being cold towards her and her siblings is actually making the situation worse?! She just wants them to know why her family feel the way they do I think that's a reasonable desire. She's not bad mouthing her Father she's just explaining he's caused w lot of pain. You said she made you cry look at the ops reply to me I think it's perfectly reasonable that she should feel the way she does. This is not about forgiveness. Actually the people that are being unforgiving are the neighbours who clearly have judged her family and can't forgive them for something they or you tbh know very little about.

The property is not the neighbours therefore they should not be the only people with the key and they should not be involved in te care or should the worse happen the estate they have no legal right. Yet they've interfered and judged op. As have you.

Before the stroke the right time to go and do this. Not now.
What will it achieve to put her side across at this particular point in time?
Whatever his sins were, why does it benefit anyone to bring up his past failings at the end of his life, when he is not able to defend or explain himself.

I'd say nothing but if you need to say anything I'd say please don't judge us, you only know one side of a very long story and leave it at that!

Special You have been shown endless compassion and tolerance on your own thread. Can you not try to offer similar to the OP here? Stating your opinion gently rather than being so critical and harsh? Or at least read her posts carefully enough not to accuse her of things she has not even suggested doing.

I'm sorry for being too harsh, and guess I was personalizing.