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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to 'change my mind'.....?

129 replies

whatsthepointinwasps · 13/04/2016 22:10

Ok so this is my first ever post but I've followed some of the other AIBUs so here goes....
My youngest is 18yrs old so not technically a child (oh yeah right hahaha)
I'm off work with a nasty chest infection and feeling pretty
grotty but not totally incapacitated (can still move about, just slowly with lots of rests)
I was lying on my bed with Nflixs when my son (said 18yr old) came in and asked me what I wanted for tea, I was touched and surprised he offered so I asked for tinned soup and banana sandwich.

He asked me if I wanted it now so I said 'yes that'd be nice thanks' and he went downstairs.
He put on his music and there were noises from the kitchen.
Fast forward nearly two hours .....no food appearing....
I ventured downstairs to find him in dining room on his laptop with the remnants of his meal beside him. 'Er I thought you were going to do my food too,' I said......'Oh yeah, I'll do it now,' he replied.
Another half an hour passed.....he appeared at door of my room....
'Can you just do your own tea as I don't feel like doing it now,' he said.
'But you said you would, you offered to do it in the first place' I answered.
He said 'I know but I've changed my mind now.'
The thing is I wasn't expecting him to offer to cook for me but the fact that he did then was so blasé about his 'change of mind' actually hurt me.
I feel this is dragging on so I'll cut to the chase (thank god finally I hear you all sigh)
Would it be unreasonable of me to wait till the next episode of 'Mum would you...' or Mum can you....', initially agree, make him wait a while then say 'Well actually I've changed my mind now'?
Is that petty? I had been planning to rustle up the soup/sandwich myself before he asked anyway.

Should I just forget it? Put it down to 'He's a teenager and it's better to pick your battles'?
Sorry about the length of this but if anybody who has struggled through to the bitter end would care to comment I'd be most grateful

OP posts:
hesterton · 14/04/2016 01:36

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Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 01:43

A teen of any age is just that, boy or girl.

I remember being 18 and having to leave home. I was far too young, luckily I had a good head on my shoulders but I swore I'd never put my child through that.

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 01:44

I think you will find that the brain does have to almost start again as a teen Guilty.

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 01:47

You lot sound like one of "those" who say I had a baby at 18 and it never harmed me. I got smacked and it made me stronger. 18 is still a teen and no, they aren't full adults.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 01:49

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DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 01:50

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Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 01:57

Dixie because I had DS at 17 and it hasnt done me or him any harm!

Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 02:02

Duchess just because you were forced to do something that you werent ready to do doesnt mean that your child should be treated like a baby.

It seems that you dont respect him, that you dont trust his abilities to act for himself and by himself. If you truly wanted the best for him then you would let him try his hand and let him fail if thats what happens, because it is only when we fail that we learn. By not allowing (and yes, in some cases, forcing) our children to stand on their own two feet then we are failing them as parents.

When baby birds are ready to leave the nest, Mummy bird doesnt pull them back or string up a net, she lets them fly.

GuiltyPleasure · 14/04/2016 02:03

Yes Dutchess there is research that supports your suggestion that related to early teens/puberty, but I wouldn't think this was a credible argument in relation to a fully developed 18 years old.
Also would love an answer to what Dixie asked, because I noticed it too

GuiltyPleasure · 14/04/2016 02:06

Apologies Dutchess x-post - you answered the question. FWIW I think Bogey was spot-on with her reply

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 02:07

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NightWanderer · 14/04/2016 02:08

The OP should have told him to get off his arse and make her sandwich now. He promised to do it, he should have done it. There's no point in having words later about it.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 02:10

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Canyouforgiveher · 14/04/2016 02:56

18 year olds by far and large are selfish, its not unusual. I was.

I'm sure you were if you say so. I wasn't. Nor was dh. nor were most of my friends.

I have an 18 year old and if he told me he treated me badly when I was sick because he couldn't deal with me being weak, I'd laugh at him for a sad attempt to get out of his guilt at acting like shit.

If it were actually true, I'd worry a bit about how I had reared him and then sit him down and tell him he was now an adult and needed to be more aware of people around him and not just his own reaction to the people around him.

Couldn't imagine even my fairly pedestrian, unimaginative 18 year old feeling like that though. It is fairly up your own arse to say "I can't deal with your illness because I need you not to be ill" at age 18. at age 8 I could understand it.

I wouldn't want my child to have a baby at 18. I would think you could not have a baby and be a bit empathetic all at the same time though. I managed it and it didn't seem like a juggling act at all.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 02:56

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MidniteScribbler · 14/04/2016 03:05

18 is still a teen and no, they aren't full adults.

The law disagrees with you. They can vote, drink, and marry, join the army, move out of home. You are doing your son no favours by treating them like a child, and I have no doubt he will play the staring role in a future thread on Mumsnet about a DH who is lazy and won't manage their responsibilities.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 03:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 03:19

Dixie PM's can be reported, I suggest that you do.

AyeAmarok · 14/04/2016 04:51

Christ. I completely expect to see Duchess's son to be the subject of a "is my DP being unreasonable?" in a few years and his partner getting a resounding "He's a twat, LTB".

BarbaraofSeville · 14/04/2016 05:58

Next time he is feeling ill, ask him what he wants for dinner and then go off and piss about on here for a couple of hours.

If he asks where his dinner is, say you couldn't be arsed doing it. That'll learn him.

BarbaraofSeville · 14/04/2016 06:01

I see that was in your OP, so yes YANBU.

anyone who thinks that production of tinned soup and a sandwich within a few minutes when they offer to do it is too much for an able bodied NT 18 YO is bonkers quite frankly.

PPie10 · 14/04/2016 06:25

Agree with bogey and her kids sound absolutely lovely and caring, and raised properly.

Op your son is incredibly selfish and I would be ashamed if mine treated me that way. You came across as begging him to be a little kind to you when at 18 he should have figured that out already. He clearly hasn't as he didn't think twice about telling you he changed his mind.

I disagree that 18 is young and this example should be excused because of his age. If he hasn't learnt to be kind by now then that's a shame.

Savagebeauty · 14/04/2016 06:34

He sounds a thoughtless fucker.
And needs that pointing out to him.

Savagebeauty · 14/04/2016 06:36

Dutchess's sounds like a complete bellend. But then, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 14/04/2016 06:37

So what if 18 year olds aren't old enough to be fully formed adults?
They are old enough to have basic consideration for people in their family who are ill. They are old enough to understand that when you offer to do something you do it. They are old enough to understand that you don't only do things when you feel like it.
If your 18 year olds think it's ok to behave like the one in the op - you've fucked up as parents. My 7 year old would know better than that.