Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to 'change my mind'.....?

129 replies

whatsthepointinwasps · 13/04/2016 22:10

Ok so this is my first ever post but I've followed some of the other AIBUs so here goes....
My youngest is 18yrs old so not technically a child (oh yeah right hahaha)
I'm off work with a nasty chest infection and feeling pretty
grotty but not totally incapacitated (can still move about, just slowly with lots of rests)
I was lying on my bed with Nflixs when my son (said 18yr old) came in and asked me what I wanted for tea, I was touched and surprised he offered so I asked for tinned soup and banana sandwich.

He asked me if I wanted it now so I said 'yes that'd be nice thanks' and he went downstairs.
He put on his music and there were noises from the kitchen.
Fast forward nearly two hours .....no food appearing....
I ventured downstairs to find him in dining room on his laptop with the remnants of his meal beside him. 'Er I thought you were going to do my food too,' I said......'Oh yeah, I'll do it now,' he replied.
Another half an hour passed.....he appeared at door of my room....
'Can you just do your own tea as I don't feel like doing it now,' he said.
'But you said you would, you offered to do it in the first place' I answered.
He said 'I know but I've changed my mind now.'
The thing is I wasn't expecting him to offer to cook for me but the fact that he did then was so blasé about his 'change of mind' actually hurt me.
I feel this is dragging on so I'll cut to the chase (thank god finally I hear you all sigh)
Would it be unreasonable of me to wait till the next episode of 'Mum would you...' or Mum can you....', initially agree, make him wait a while then say 'Well actually I've changed my mind now'?
Is that petty? I had been planning to rustle up the soup/sandwich myself before he asked anyway.

Should I just forget it? Put it down to 'He's a teenager and it's better to pick your battles'?
Sorry about the length of this but if anybody who has struggled through to the bitter end would care to comment I'd be most grateful

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 00:04

I would do it.

And then say "You know how you feel now? Thats how I felt when you offered to make me something to eat because I was ill and then couldnt be bothered"

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and its better that he learn from that selfishness has consequences than when he is older and with people who would be less forgiving.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 00:04

from you

Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 00:09

"Halfcooked"?

At 18 I was a parent. I was young but I was capable. My own 18 year old didnt just make food for me when I was last ill, she took herself to the kitchen and made dinner for everyone without being asked. She saved a portion for her stepfather too for when he came in from work. When I questioned what she was up to she just said that she was doing dinner because I was ill. DD2 decided she was looking after me, I was "looked after" to the point where I wanted to be well so she would stop, bless her :o

MidniteScribbler · 14/04/2016 00:09

People need to stop thinking 18 is an adult, they are still half cooked beings.

Of FFS, once there were 18 year olds dying in trenches, now we're expected to excuse their twatish behaviour because they'd rather play video games. No wonder the world is so fucked up.

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:12

18 year olds or no longer required to fight in trenches thank god, 25 was too young, if at all for that.

I consider 18 as still being very young in the whole scheme of life, most haven't even finished school by then or just about.

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:12

*are, not or

Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 00:13

Exactly midnite

At 14 my grandfather was out earning money to support his mother and 4 siblings. I am not saying that we should go back to that, but we should stop infantilising young people in the way we are. This is why we have fully grown people (often men but not always) who think that sitting on their arses playing XBox is a valid choice over looking after their own children.

If the MIL/Manchild threads now are bad, I dread to think what they will be like in another 10 years.

Bogeyface · 14/04/2016 00:16

18 year olds or no longer required to fight in trenches

No, but they are going abroad with guns in their hands and dying in wars. The method is irrelevant, the end result is the same.

If someone is man enough to fight for his country then why is another not man enough to make his mother a fucking sandwich because he would rather play a videogame where he pretends to be a soldier?!

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:17

18 is not an adult and never was..

18 was made to have responsibilities before they should and look how that turned out? I don't know many "men" that are mature at 50 so not sure where you're coming from here.

I have time to teach my 18 year old (half baked adult) for a few more years how to act.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2016 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 14/04/2016 00:19

My 10 year old would do better than this, can provide tea, micro meal or a decent toastie! YANBU! In fact, you did not raise hell at the time, you are being too reasonable!

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:21

I never said your 13 year old would think it wasn't shitty. I also never said it wasn't. I told the OP that it wasn't uncommon for this to happen.

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:22

I tell my DS to buck up when he's ill and he does the same Grin

Firstlawofholes · 14/04/2016 00:26

I wouldn't accept that level of selfishness from my 10-year-old, never mind an 18-year-old!?!

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:27

Anyone with an 18 year old on here by any chance?

MidniteScribbler · 14/04/2016 00:30

18 was made to have responsibilities before they should and look how that turned out? I don't know many "men" that are mature at 50 so not sure where you're coming from here.

Oh good grief, stop making excuses. This is why there are so many threads about husbands not helping out at home, being upset that they have to 'babysit' their own offspring and MIL's condoning the behaviour by babying their adult sons. Parents who ring universities and want an extension because their precious is feeling about bit stressed because they're confronted with a deadline for the first time in their cloistered lives.

MammaTJ · 14/04/2016 00:31

I brought a 32 year old and a 21 year old through 18, so I do feel qualified to comment! My10 year old would still do better, even my 9 year old would bring squash and make a basic sandwich! Even both the older girls in their most difficult times would not have lost their empathy!

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:32

Do you have 18+ kids Midnite?

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:34

Did they have empathy for you at that age or others Mamma? Im guessing others. Just because some have a "empathy" failure doesn't mean they grow up to be arseholes.

grumpysquash3 · 14/04/2016 00:36

No way. My 9 year old DS made me a cup of tea when I was off work sick and in bed all day and he had come home from school. It wasn't the nicest tea TBH, but it was thoughtful and much appreciated.

I am actually a bit horrified that an 18 year old would offer a meal, then change their mind two hours later having not done something that would take ten minutes.

If he had got distracted, that would be one thing, but the fact that he got his own meal and didn't consider you even after offering to make yours, or think about how you were upstairs and didn't have anything....that is what I have an issue with.

Basically he is competent to prepare food, he just chose not to bring yours. I am really sorry about that.

Hope you are starting to feel better.

Firstlawofholes · 14/04/2016 00:37

And I'd be very worried about him if anyone could still consider him a "half baked adult" at 18 - ffs! Of course he'll always be my child - and I'll still do anything I can for him even when he's much older - but at 18 they're fully grown adults with legal rights and responsibilities and it's rather dangerous to pretend anything else!

Dutchess61 · 14/04/2016 00:39

OP, don't worry about him.

Teenagers are selfish arses.

They come right with great parenting.

MammaTJ · 14/04/2016 00:40

Did they have empathy for you at that age or others Mamma? Im guessing others. Just because some have a "empathy" failure doesn't mean they grow up to be arseholes.

Seriously? Their empathy was pretty developed at that age, it starts at around 8! They would have brought anyone ill some food and drink, offered and followed through!